I need some encouragement

**sarcophagus** · 05-30-2006, 05:51 PM

Hi everyone...I'm having a moment and need some encouragment.

We live in a very cheap area of the city, however, our rent was just raised and we're having troubles.

One major problem is DH, he seems to think that if we have the money in the bank, it can be spent. Now, I know I'm not perfect, I give into temptations (clothing and shoes mostly) but I've stopped spending recently. I only wish he would to. He doesn't see the bills, well he does, but ignores them because I seem to be the one who understands finances better.

I'll give you a list.

We spend roughly $60 on pets (one cat and 2 ferrets, that includes food and cleaning supplies)
We've been living off our pantry but normally we spend about $200-$300 a month. DH refuses to eat sandwiches or leftovers for lunch and ends up taking his meals out of our savings...$10 a day, 5 days a week really adds up.

We have cellphones because we can't have a landline in our apartment, so they cost roughly $150 a month because DH calls longdistance alot before 5.
Our Cable/internet bill is $100 dollars a month, I've been trying to convince to get rid of the cable, but to no avail.

We both have credit cards, mine is maxed out due to an unforseen incident, and his has about $300 on it.

Gas is expensive and DH commutes, so that's about $80 a month.

Our insurance is about $250.

Our rent is $880 a month.

DH also thinks its likely to have $150 to do whatever we want with, but that just doesn't work, but its spent anyway...

We have student loans. His is about $9000 but he hasn't paid it for 3 years...Mine is about $27 000 and I'm still in school (last year). Our credit is so bad, we can't move, or get any kind of help...we desperatly need new furniture so we went to a place, tried to get financing and was denied, we bought our stuff a goodwill instead. I'm sick of living like this, I want to get our debts paid off and move out of this crappy place but it seems impossible!!!

If you have any helpful hints or suggestions, advice....Anything!! It would be so appreciated!!!

Thanks

**Telephus44** · 05-30-2006, 06:13 PM

I'm not sure I have any real advice for you, but I wanted to offer a big hug

and let you know that you're not alone. And it is especially hard when you and DH and not on the same financial page. If you think he's responsible enough, maybe you could try letting him pay the bills for a bit. That's one thing I did when my DH and I moved in together, and even though he wasn't that good with his own money at the time, he never let "joint" suffer. I think it also taught him a lot about paying on time and how small purchases can really add up.

I would also suggest a program like MS Money or Quicken. That way you can pull out lots of charts and reports.

But the bigger issue is one of attitude. As long as he doesn't mind being in debt, then he won't make any effort to change.

**AmyMCGS** · 05-30-2006, 06:29 PM

Can you do anything about your cell phone plan? If your DH uses a lot of long distance, maybe there's a plan that would better fit your needs?

I agree with Sara's suggestion of putting your finances into MS Money or Quicken or another computer program. I'm a very visual person, and seeing things spelled out that way really helps me.

Would your DH agree to a budget, an "allowance" each week for his lunches? $10 a day seems like a lot to me, but that's just me. (I eat fast food lunches at work for about $5 or less a day, and only work two days a week!) Maybe he could start slowly cutting back-- say, to $40 a week at first-- as a way to save a little money.

I'm sure others will have some good suggestions for you. Hang in there!

**Start-Living** · 05-30-2006, 07:34 PM

I agreed with "Telephus44". You should let him handle the bills for 1 to 2 months.
I did this with Boyfriend, and it changed him. Now, he only spend what I told him he can. And he's helping me cutting back on spending.

I tried a few of the computer softwares, and don't like them. Some people do, some people don't. If you're going to use the computer software to track your expenses, I suggest you buy on EBAY, it's cheaper there than the store.

As for me, I prefer to write everything down. I get reciepts for everything. Every day, I take about 2 to 3 mintues to write down all the purchases for that day.

(You should keep track of every penny spend, do this for a month, and show him, maybe this might help)

Good luck, and keep us update.

**Lyn5** · 05-30-2006, 08:08 PM

Goodluck. I don't have any advice, but I hope your DH sees the light and things get better.

**homesteadmamma** · 05-30-2006, 08:15 PM

Sending

I would sit down with your dh and show him every expense you have. Write it out on paper or put it on a good computer program, showing him the incoming and outgoing. See if he is open to having an allowance, giving him a specific amount (and yourself too) and once that is spent, no more until the next month.

If worse comes to shove, I would open up my own account and work from there. At this point, he isn't showing responsibility when it comes to finances. It looks like you are going to have to do it.

Look at your highest interest cc and start paying it off. Even a couple dollars extra a month will cut the amount of interest you pay. Once you have one cc paid off, snowball that amount to the next cc.

As to new furniture, don't. Going further into debt by buying more isn't going to help the situation, it will only worsen it . Always remember, this is but for a season if you can get control of your finances now. Once your cc are paid off and you've saved some for an emergency, then you can save to pay cash for new furniture.

I'd also look at your cell phones. Can you get a good long distance plan? You don't say how many cell phones you have. Is there a possibility you can get out of one contract if you have more than one cell phone.

Wishing you the best as you work to get out of debt.

bg · 05-30-2006, 08:17 PM

I don't know what your DH is like, but talking to him may help. I've asked my DH how he would rather me discuss things that are important to me. For me it was a matter of figuring out how to talk to DH. He wants a logical explanation of why things need to get done. For example, not doing dishes will attract mice. Mice don't make a home feel welcome.

As for money, perhaps you could lay out the debts on a big sheet of paper/poster board and stick it on the living room wall? And then the income next to it? I've never done this, but running calculations on my little spreadsheet has worked wonders with my DH.

Additionally, I always tell DH how much interest he earns from his various savings and bond accounts - that inspires him to save more. His goal is to earn enough interest that the interest will allow him to buy a case of beer.

Hope my rambling has helped a little bit

**frugalfarmwife** · 05-31-2006, 12:06 AM

Sending you hugs from here too, it's tough when couples don't see eye to eye on finances, hubby and I have been there, wouldn't go back to that for anything!

I would be leery of turning the finances over to him, it might work fine or it might turn into a NIGHTMARE (I know it would be a nightmare for us!

One thing I do is keep hubby updated as to where we are all the time! For instance this month alone we had a $125.00 bill for fencing for the garden, $115 emergency vet bill and $177.00 hay bill because we ran out, that really set us back for the month so no extra money for ANYTHING AT ALL

Not fun but that's life on the farm as they say.

Patience, men can't be changed overnight (OHH, did I say that?) Baby steps, try for cutting back what he spends on lunch by 5-10 a week, go from there.

Oh, and your hubby would STARVE here, lol, sandwiches and left overs are MANDATORY here!

kj

**Puffy** · 05-31-2006, 05:13 AM

Maybe hubby would be more receptive to making changes in his financial life if he had a financial goal. Is there something he wants to buy but can't afford? Guys don't usually care about furniture but I think it would be wise to work that way and see how quickly his attitude towards money can change. A new car or house? He's not going to change as long as he is happy with his current condition and lets face it, saving is boring unless you're interested in it. Once he realizes how saving towards a specific goal can snowball it may change his attitude. Not paying his student loan is a HUGe no no. I used to be a collector for student loans and the finance charges imposed for late payments and going to collections are insane and will hang like a very dark cloud on your credit report.

**Seraph** · 05-31-2006, 05:17 AM

I have to agree with everyone else here. You need to SHOW him the financial situation in black and white (and even red!). When the Husband and I first got married he was in the Navy. This left me alone and 100% in charge of the finances (and everything else) a good part of each year. When he was home, I was shocked to see the dwindling balances on the bank accounts and started using MSMoney. While I hate that program with a passion now, it's good for someone starting out or for someone wanting to print "budget reports"... and that's what I did. I printed a monthly budget report and presented it to him every single month with his expenses highlighted. Even on months when he was completely out to sea, I printed them and mailed him a copy while keeping the original in a binder for his review when he returned. After a while he got tired of looking at them and told me to stop. My response was "When you stop throwing cash around, I will. I do this so you can see where all the money goes and know it's not me spending it..."

Fast forward 14 or so years and I still have to take the ATM card away from him sometimes and simply refuse to agree to certain purchases or activities due to lack of funds. I don't do reports for him anymore, but if there's something he wants or wants to go do, he asks "Do we have the money for this?" first. Most times. And there are times I throw out yellow and red flag warnings to him to say "Ok... enough with the spending, already. Things are getting tight..." or "Enough. If you spend another unbudgeted $10 there won't be enough to cover the bills. At all."

Also? I would be VERY wary of just handing him over all the bills to pay. I tried that several years ago because he was being fussy over the way I was doing things and I threw a fit, handed him over everything and said "...fine... you do it" and walked away for three months. Not. One. Single. Thing. Was. Paid. Not rent, not any of the utilities, not credit cards, nothing. But the money was spent, and he had no clue where he'd spent it.

Good luck.

**Darlene** · 05-31-2006, 06:28 AM

I agree with what's been said and if your dh insists on having things his way when he wants & how he wants I think he should get a second job. His mom must have let him get his way often, no way would that "I won't eat this" work here. Not with my kids & certainly not with my husband. They learned a long time ago that everything doesn't have to be our favorite, you just be thankful you have whatever in the first place. Some people don't.
Being part of a team or a family sometimes takes sacrifice and it's not just rough times it sharing in the good times too.
I'd write it all out in black & white and sit him down. Time for him to be a grown up and a team player & help get you both in a better situation.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh or disrespectful, it's not my intent, I'm sure he's a great guy it's just this part...it irks me when someone is acting selfish. jmo
I hope you can get him on board and wish you well.

**AmyBoz** · 05-31-2006, 07:25 AM

**Lorelei** · 05-31-2006, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by bg

Additionally, I always tell DH how much interest he earns from his various savings and bond accounts - that inspires him to save more. His goal is to earn enough interest that the interest will allow him to buy a case of beer.

That is funny!

Sarcophagus, you've gotten some good advice. Looking at all your expenses and seeing where you can cut will help. Your DH's lunches are really high, even for eating out (unless you live in a very expensive city). Maybe you can cut the cable bill since he's not willing to let it go. We went down to basic cable and saved quite a bit of money. Try looking at each expense and see where you can reduce it. $5-$10 here and there add up quick.

I mentioned this on another thread about children, but bringing up costs in conversation helps others to "see the light". Not a lecture or anything, but mentioning that dinner only cost $2 or $4 (for example) for the two of you on a fairly regular basis may help him see that restaurant meals are very expensive and he'll start cutting down himself.

Would your DH read any books on money? David Bach writes the "Automatic Millionaire" series and talks about the "latte factor" basically, throwing away money on small things that if you didn't do it could add up to big money. That might be a way to get him to change his attitudes about money so it can be his idea that you save rather than you telling him to do it. Also the advice about finding a goal he wants to save for will help motivate him.

Good luck! It's rough having different views on money. Just remember, people can change; it takes time, effort & desire. Help him to want to save, and it will work out.

**banana** · 05-31-2006, 08:35 AM

I also would write down all your expenses and show it to him.

Everyone here gave you some great advise! Best of luck to you!

**canadian gardener** · 05-31-2006, 09:23 AM

Hugs, good advice already, nothing to add except I totally agree with the chorus line here.

You are doing the right thing, pausing to think about the problem and how best to attack it.

Blessings.