DH mismanaging the funds

**geckoace** · 12-30-2006, 12:59 PM

okay i need some advice on how to get DH to hand over the financial management to me. here's some backstory

DH has always been sort of oblivious to money management when we both worked I didnt worry so much cause I always kept a little something stashed for emergencies and managed my own affairs. now that we are married and parents and I am a sporadic part-time working SAHM, I am in a panic. For the past 3.5 years I have basically been developing a ulcer as I watch my husband overdraft and forget bills on an almost monthly basis. He wont even acknowledge that is a problem or tell me when he can't pay the bill I usually find out by getting the next statment and seeing the late charges.
When he is confronted he gets angry (and i know i am handling it wrong but i am just so frustrated) but he shaped up for about a month and then its back to his old ways.
Often he is so clueless but when the late charge bill comes in he pays both months bills plus the late forgetting he already paid it.
I asked him to set up an automatic deduction to help us fund the EF and he picked and arbitrary percentage (jsut to shut me up) to go into the account but its so much he now can't make the bills and has to go get money from the EF and put it back into this checking. (of course he didnt tell me this)
This month he wrote checks on money he didnt have yet and didnt realize that he didnt have enough coming in to cover it, but the checks are out and he is trying to beat them to the bank with money from another savings account.
i had a secret EF in joint with my mother but i recently had to dip into that to pay for some emergency house repairs. so my stash is depleted and he is running us into the ground.

HELP i need some advice on how to get him to listen before he ruins everyones credit (some of this stuff is in my name) he says he has to learn so he wants to keep doing it, but i am to the point of tears trying to keep the boat a float behing the scenes. I am working on getting a good paying part time job but it will take about a month or so for the training and interview process. my other parttime job is catering and we are in the slow season.

**suzysaver** · 12-30-2006, 01:42 PM

Can you offer to do it together ??
Maybe set up a weekly time when you both sit down and decide were and what needs to be done and kind of show him how to organize it???
It sounds like he gets overwhelmed with it all. I have one of those huge desk calendars that I hang on the wall...with all the due dates posted and paydays marked...this may help him see clearly what is coming up. Just a suggestion, hope he will let you help him out. I would explain that it worries you and you just want to help him with it.

**Valerie in WA** · 12-30-2006, 01:59 PM

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I do want to say that I think you're doing the right things. Keep communication open between the two of you and do your best to keep communication non-confronational.

I once took a communication class where they taught us this little 'recipe'.

When you..... I feel..... I want.....

So maybe: "When you scramble to cover outstanding checks, I feel frightened of financial disaster. I want to have a bigger part in managing our money." And then be specific as to what you want to do.

Try to use 'we' a lot. "What can we do to reduce the number of late fees we pay?"

If he insists on maintaining control of the finances, you might try, "What can I do to help you? Should I keep track of due dates and remind you to write checks?"

Also, see if you can get more of your bills set up for automatic deduction from your account. The only check I write every month is for electricity, everything else is automatic (mortgage, insurances, phone, cell phone, cable tv, etc).

HTH! You're in a tough position.

**geckoace** · 12-30-2006, 03:43 PM

im trying to work on how i talk to him about it. i need to take a deep breath and get un-angry. come up with a solution and present it to him and somehow convey the importance of this.

in the past we've actually sat down to discuss the money and he just nods his head in agreement and says he will do certain things and doesn't do them. when we were saving for the house he was able to get a handle on thingsand we saved money like crazy, i wonder if we come up with a clear goal that he can latch onto if he would work with me. Im working on automatic deductions he was afraid of them up until recently but i explained to him that some loans give you a percentage discount if you do it, and that sold him a bit. The problem is i can't trust him to have the money in the account for the deduction maybe we could set them up to come out ON payday.

**AmyBoz** · 12-30-2006, 03:49 PM

Okay, I don't have advicde for the whole thing, but I would run, don't walk, to the bank and change the automatic deduction to an amount that makes sense.

**nuisance26** · 12-30-2006, 06:35 PM

~My DH wasn't too good at bills either and did the whole defensive route when I made suggestions. I also tried the do-it-together thing too. Always ended up arguing. I ended up taking him to the bank to get the account turned to a joint account and I started managing our money. DH drives by his bank on payday and deposits it. Turns out, months later he tells me that he was incredibly bored by doing the bills. I can suggest that you get him in a good mood first (ie nice dinner and a beer), then praise his ability to bring home a paycheck and then ASK if you can take over paying all the bills. Men react really well to this method! Whatever you do don't remind him of his blunders or suggest that you can do a better job. Tell him you find writing checks and doing math relaxing. It worked for me!~

**Jenna** · 12-30-2006, 06:44 PM

i explained to him that some loans give you a percentage discount if you do it

I did receive a deduction in the APR for my auto loan by setting up automatic payments.

Not trusting that my checking account would always have the appropriate funds (due to writing checks & using the debit card) I set up a separate savings account to pay the car note. I simply made sure I deposited enough into the savings account to cover the payment.

**frugalfriend** · 12-31-2006, 05:06 PM

My husband and I took a Larry Burkett financial management class at our church and we learned so much. One of the things he stressed over and over is to have the spouse with the best bookkeeping skills do the books. Whoever was better at it should be the one to do it. It doesn't mean that person makes the decisions alone about how the money is handled, just is the one who pays the bills, keeps the checkbook up to date, etc. The couple together make the decision as to how all of their money is to be spent.

I would try talking to your husband (when he is in a good mood!) and reassure him that you will make all decisions together as to how the money is spent, you would just like the chance to be the bookkeeper for awhile and take that weight off him.

**Michelle68** · 12-31-2006, 07:09 PM

Have you ever seen the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" when Ray took over paying the bills from Debra then put off all the bills only to find that he had to borrow money to keep have them keep turn the electricity back on? Well, many years ago when we were first married that happened to us. In fact, I think they wrote that show about us.

Seriously though, my DH, as wonderful as he is, is just not organized enough to keep the bank account and bills straight. He thinks it's a royal pain to have to write every entry into the check ledger and he figures that if it cuts us short today, we should just put it off until tomorrow. I, on the other hand, am nerdy enough to actually ENJOY budgeting and managing money. I'm just more detail oriented. I now write the checks and the budget, although we always look it over together before it goes into effect .

I believe there are many marriages like that. There's usually one spouse who's better at that sort of thing than the other spouse is. I'm with Constance on this one. Try to set up a nice, relaxing dinner, compliment your husband on what he contributes to the finances (letting him know that you don't think he's a failure because budgeting and money management are not his strongpoints), and then gently suggest that perhaps you should have a shot at being the money manager. Who knows, in the end he might even be relieved to have you take the reigns. Good luck!

--Michelle

**Michelle68** · 12-31-2006, 07:15 PM

Oh wait! I just reread my post. Do NOT let him know that budgeting and money management are not his strongpoints! That'll definitely be a red flag to his ego. Scratch that remark.

--Michelle

**geckoace** · 01-01-2007, 11:31 AM

I love that episode of Raymond its funny cause it hits so close to home. But I think you guys are right I have to change my approach I need to do it before I get pissed off when nothing specific is going wrong. We just need to sit down and come up with some very specific goals and get things in order. In the meantime I keep a my little stash going just in case.Thank you guys for your support it helps me to know other people have been through this and come out on the other side.

**banana** · 01-01-2007, 01:06 PM

Best of luck to you.

**tigo** · 01-02-2007, 10:14 AM

My ex was clueless also. When I approached him with the angle that I would like to handle it and it would free up more of his time for things he wanted to do, he went for it. After I left (July 06) it was only September before he got into trouble.
I agree with letting the one with the time and interest handle the bills. I also think it sounds good to keep a seperate EF for yourself.