Teacher and Asperger's child..need advice!

**mystypooh** · 10-03-2011, 12:59 PM

Hello all, I don't post often but I have mentioned that I have a daughter with Asperger's Disorder. Well, the other day something disturbing happened and I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe get some input from you all. I didn't pick up my daughter the other day after school because her g'parents were down and they decided they wanted to do it. My MIL went to the classroom when the bell rang (she was supposed to go by the office for a pass and didn't know she needed one, although I told her too) and saw my daughter with "that look" on her face....meaning that she knew something was wrong. She said she wasn't crying but was looking like she was fixing to have a meltdown. She walked into the classroom and two little boys pointed their fingers at another boy and said "He did it"...meaning that this little boy was making "tsh, tsh, tsh" noises. He always does this to my daughter and if you know anything about Aspie's they hate repetitive noises like this. So my MIL went to the teacher and said "If you could make him stop then you'd have an easier time with "L"." The teacher went off on MIL. She said "she's too sensitive and needs to get over it! If you have a problem with that go to the principal, just go! I don't care. You don't even have a visitor's pass!" "He'd make that noise if he was in the next room!" My MIL said she wasn't being loud or rude with the teacher but the teacher was with her. She said some other things that I'm not happy about either. I had just had an emergency meeting with her, my daughter's SPED teacher, the art therapist, and the behavioral therapist, a week before. She knows that L has a disorder so why would she say that??? My MIL has left to go back home (another state) but I made her write down what was said by both parties. I have mentioned to the B.T. that I didn't think her teacher was right for her but I couldn't tell her why, it was just a feeling. But now I've almost convinced myself I was right. Should I go ahead and make an appointment with the principal or should I make one with the teacher? Obviously the teacher acted a bit unprofessional. Oh, she also said that she had 26 students that she had to worry about, that she couldn't worry about L's....Now I completely understand this. I know she has a tough job and that it can be tougher when you have a special needs student but this just doesn't seem right. I think I want her switched to another classroom. This is the end of the first nine weeks so it shouldn't be too much of a problem...I think.

Sorry this is so long but any advice would be appreciated :-)

**Nishu** · 10-03-2011, 01:08 PM

If you're set on getting her switched to another classroom, I wouldn't bother meeting with the teacher. I'd go straight to the principal. Otherwise I think it would be more appropriate to meet with the teacher first.

Sorry that happened to your MIL and your daughter. It's totally inappropriate to do something like that in front of a classroom of children, imo. Not to mention what was said about your daughter right in front of her and all her classmates. I'd probably ask to get her switched as well.

**mystypooh** · 10-03-2011, 01:24 PM

Thank Nishu, I wasn't, at first, totally set on changing her classroom. I wanted to give her time to get used to her teacher and classmates. It's a different school and different teachers for her this year so we have been having problems with L adjusting. Her routine is totally different and she's been "acting" out. It's always tough at the beginning of the school year for her. I was hoping she just needed time but after what the teacher said it makes me think twice. I hated to uproot L but now I feel like there's not another option. L has voiced that she doesn't like her teacher and before school even started, me, my daughter, the Behavioral Therapist, and her Sped teacher, all met because we wanted L comfortable with who we chose. Now I feel bad because it looks like we chose the wrong one. ARGHH! I guess I'm mainly confused by this verbal exchange. Why would a teacher act like that? Especially to somebody she doesn't know (MIL) and especially in front of a classroom of children? I understand if you're having a bad day but jeez! to act like that? I think I should go to the principal on this one and see if I can't get her switched. I hate to go over her head but I'm not sure I'm comfortable speaking to the teacher right now. I'm too mad and upset.

**mauimagic** · 10-03-2011, 02:25 PM

Hate it when things like this happen - and unfortunately they do - too often. Here's my suggestion to all parents who have concerns at school.......WRITE YOUR CONCERNS DOWN and submit it to the administration.

In our school system, parents are encouraged to work with the teacher first. In this case, I suggest you ask for a meeting with the principal first and then a meeting with both. Please bring a frined or parent advocate with you and ask if you can record the meeting.

If your child has an IEP (not sure if you live in the US), placement as to teacher is not specified in the IEP, but parental concerns about the safety and welfare of the child sure is. Our goal is to educate all children. Differentiated instruction provides the basis that each child gets taught in a way that works for them to be successful.

Please let us know what is happening. Teaching my special education students is my passion and privilege and I'll help all that I can.

**krbshappy71** · 10-03-2011, 02:28 PM

Go to the principal. The teacher should know better by now that students with disabilities and emotional difficulties do not "toughen up" and if she doesn't know that by now, then the principal needs to know what he/she has on their hands as a staff member. We're talking lawsuits if the wrong parent was involved instead of someone nicer like you who is willing to keep trying to get this resolved civilly. Best wishes, I work in a school district and hear similar stories, teachers get away with it (whether IT is being unknowledgeable or outright disregarding) up until they are put up against the wall by a principal and/or parents.

I work with computers, just because I don't know how to fix one doesn't mean I can take a hammer to it, either. Maybe it can't be fixed, maybe it doesn't need fixed and I just need to learn how IT WORKS DIFFERENTLY. But in the end, its MY JOB to figure that out. I am glad to work with computers instead of children, the damage I do isn't at the same level.

Hugs.

**Fuzzybunny07** · 10-03-2011, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by mystypooh

Hello all, I don't post often but I have mentioned that I have a daughter with Asperger's Disorder. Well, the other day something disturbing happened and I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe get some input from you all. I didn't pick up my daughter the other day after school because her g'parents were down and they decided they wanted to do it. My MIL went to the classroom when the bell rang (she was supposed to go by the office for a pass and didn't know she needed one, although I told her too) and saw my daughter with "that look" on her face....meaning that she knew something was wrong. She said she wasn't crying but was looking like she was fixing to have a meltdown. She walked into the classroom and two little boys pointed their fingers at another boy and said "He did it"...meaning that this little boy was making "tsh, tsh, tsh" noises. He always does this to my daughter and if you know anything about Aspie's they hate repetitive noises like this. So my MIL went to the teacher and said "If you could make him stop then you'd have an easier time with "L"." The teacher went off on MIL. She said "she's too sensitive and needs to get over it! If you have a problem with that go to the principal, just go! I don't care. You don't even have a visitor's pass!" "He'd make that noise if he was in the next room!" My MIL said she wasn't being loud or rude with the teacher but the teacher was with her. She said some other things that I'm not happy about either. I had just had an emergency meeting with her, my daughter's SPED teacher, the art therapist, and the behavioral therapist, a week before. She knows that L has a disorder so why would she say that??? My MIL has left to go back home (another state) but I made her write down what was said by both parties. I have mentioned to the B.T. that I didn't think her teacher was right for her but I couldn't tell her why, it was just a feeling. But now I've almost convinced myself I was right. Should I go ahead and make an appointment with the principal or should I make one with the teacher? Obviously the teacher acted a bit unprofessional. Oh, she also said that she had 26 students that she had to worry about, that she couldn't worry about L's....Now I completely understand this. I know she has a tough job and that it can be tougher when you have a special needs student but this just doesn't seem right. I think I want her switched to another classroom. This is the end of the first nine weeks so it shouldn't be too much of a problem...I think.

Sorry this is so long but any advice would be appreciated :-)

Hi.. I am also a mom of an aspie and I knwo what I would do, and have done. I would see the principle as soon as possible. This needs to be addressed. Your daughter is NOT too sensative, she has a disorder. Of all people the teacher should understand that. I am fortunate enough to have my son in a school that he is treated as equal, but understandingly with the other Children. Some of his classmates were with him in class last year which was a rough emotional year for him, and they still treated him amazingly well for children of that age. He is 8 now and on a new med which helps him tremendously. You should not ever question yourself when dealing with others and your daughter's situations. You are her advocate, and in this day and age it's sad, but true, you may be her only one in some schools. I am new to frugalvillage, just signed up today but I would be happy to be friends. It's hard to find other parents who are going through the same things.

**many houseapes** · 10-03-2011, 02:49 PM

I have a little boy w/Down Syndrome...if a teacher had treated my child like that, I would go over her head & meet w/ the principle & demand that he be able to switch classes. If your demands are not met, go before the Superintendant & the school board. What that teacher did was wrong - she isn't fit to teach.
This is another reason that we homeschool our children (that's just us)..where we are at, the educational system is terrible & I will not take the risk of any of my children becoming a target for emotional (or other) abuse. I hope that your situation will have a happy ending - your dd didn't deserve to be treated that way. *hugs*

**Uniwolf** · 10-03-2011, 03:07 PM

First off, let me say that I am sorry that this has happened to you and your child.
Then let me continue with this. This teacher needs to be ever so thankful that she is dealing with you and not me. ( I have a WEE bit of a temper and a sure fire way to light my fuse is to mess with one of my kids). I would go to the princapl (with a wittness), and if they did not want to deal with me, while I was in their office I would call the local newspaper and request an appointment with one of their staff writers. You would be surprised as to how this will motivate administrators to work with you as far as the health and welfare of your child.

Needless to say I never played nice as far as my kids were concerened.

**mystypooh** · 10-03-2011, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by mauimagic

Hate it when things like this happen - and unfortunately they do - too often. Here's my suggestion to all parents who have concerns at school.......WRITE YOUR CONCERNS DOWN and submit it to the administration.

In our school system, parents are encouraged to work with the teacher first. In this case, I suggest you ask for a meeting with the principal first and then a meeting with both. Please bring a frined or parent advocate with you and ask if you can record the meeting.

If your child has an IEP (not sure if you live in the US), placement as to teacher is not specified in the IEP, but parental concerns about the safety and welfare of the child sure is. Our goal is to educate all children. Differentiated instruction provides the basis that each child gets taught in a way that works for them to be successful.

Please let us know what is happening. Teaching my special education students is my passion and privilege and I'll help all that I can.

Thanks, Mauimagic. I feel like going to the principal is the only option now. Yes, L has an IEP and you're right, placement isn't on it but the counselor, B.T., and principal...along with me, brainstormed to get her the right teacher. Looks like we were all wrong. It's not too late to switch her though is it? I wouldn't think so especially since the second nine weeks is starting. Again, thank you!

**mystypooh** · 10-03-2011, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by Fuzzybunny07

Hi.. I am also a mom of an aspie and I knwo what I would do, and have done. I would see the principle as soon as possible. This needs to be addressed. Your daughter is NOT too sensative, she has a disorder. Of all people the teacher should understand that. I am fortunate enough to have my son in a school that he is treated as equal, but understandingly with the other Children. Some of his classmates were with him in class last year which was a rough emotional year for him, and they still treated him amazingly well for children of that age. He is 8 now and on a new med which helps him tremendously. You should not ever question yourself when dealing with others and your daughter's situations. You are her advocate, and in this day and age it's sad, but true, you may be her only one in some schools. I am new to frugalvillage, just signed up today but I would be happy to be friends. It's hard to find other parents who are going through the same things.

Thank you fuzzybunny! Would love to have a friend who knows what I'm talking about. I don't know anybody with a child that has AS. I do know a couple of people with children that have ADD and ADHD. My husband also has ADHD and AS, and my son hasn't been diagnosed yet but I really think he has some sort of social problem. Not on the same scale as my daughter but he definitely has something wrong.

Last year we had a horrible year and I had to go to the superintendent to get it resolved. It ended up with the assistant principal losing his job. long story. I've always taken the bull by the horns when it comes to my children and I've had the weekend to think if over and all it did was make me angrier. I just wasn't sure who to go to on this one. If I went to the teacher I'd just lose it. If I went to the principal I'd be going over the teachers head but I think the principal needs to know about this. Oh, you said the same exact words I did when I was told about this! "She's not too sensitive, she has a disorder!"

If I may ask but what med is your child on? I was afraid of meds but she's so "on edge", anything sets her off. I think I'm willing to let her try it. I just want her to feel peace.

**mystypooh** · 10-03-2011, 08:55 PM

Again, thank you for all the advice. I plan on calling tomorrow to set an appointment up for Wed. I have two very sick children right now and will no doubt be at the dr's office a few hours tomorrow. Then with the two hour drive I'd never have time to get them to the doctor and pick up my son after school if I tried to get it for Tuesday. My hubbie leaves for MI, at the end of the week, and I want him to go with me so the only time he'd be able to go is Wed. He was there when we were told about this....two heads are better than one, right? Plus I have what happened written down on paper, signed by MIL. I'll demand that she be switched! I'll let you all know what happens! Thank you!!!!

**mauimagic** · 10-05-2011, 03:26 AM

You know that we'll be here cheering you on. Please please write your concnerns down for the prinicpal and teacher before you go into the meeting - logically present the facts. That way if it does get emotional, you will all have your written concerns and your MIL observations to work from. Prayers and blessings my friend. While I do not have a child on the autism spectrum, I have them in my classroom year round. One year, out of 11 preschoolers, 8 were on the spectrum all with totally different forms of the disability. Her program needs to be built on her strengths.

**Telephus44** · 10-05-2011, 10:10 AM

I don't know if this is relevant to you, but is your on board with you? I just bring this up because I am also a parent of a child with autism. My MIL watches our son after school, and occasionally picks him up or drops him off. While she is absolutely wonderful with our son, she always wants to "fight" the school system. For example, last year the principal called because there was a safety issue with our son running the parking lot. I know my son, he does tend to run and he doesn't have the same awareness of cars in parking lots. My MIL insisted that the principal was LYING to us, and they just didn't like dealing with him because he wasn't doped up on medication. She continues to tell this story over and over at family gatherings about how "we need to stick up for our son" because of "how the school system treats him."

My husband and I have a great relationship with the school system, and they don't push medication. We have a great team and work together well, they certainly wouldn't lie to us. But my MIL has some kind of chip on her shoulder about the school system in general.

So - not saying that you MIL totally making it up, you probably have a totally different relationship than I do - but I would also check your gut when you have your meeting. If your gut tells you that the teacher is the wrong one for your child, absolutely have her moved. But listen to your gut first.