Need advice re: lack of school friends and meaness...

**kimmee** · 12-12-2004, 11:08 AM

Damon has constantly been the brunt of criticism and mean kids - actually Aimee and Ryan went through a phase of it too, but Damon continues to have this. And he is also "such the victim" I don't understand - I don't know how to help. He always plays alone on recess and he is not afraid to ask others if they will play with him - they say no - that he's weird and noone likes him - I got this from OTHER kids and from Aimee. At first I thought maybe he didn't play what they were playing but now I think it is something more. He has started sucking on his shirt (at the neck) - Ryan did this and it took me forever to get him to stop. He doesn't like to clean and brush his teeth - his breath is bad and I have bought him all kinds of little breath fresheners. He's started doing little nervous behaviors. I had a conference with his teacher Thursday and I asked her point blank how his social interactions were going and she said - Oh I don't see anything going on - after the conference I went out to get the kids (Playground) and Damon tells me just the day before he told the teacher about a group of kids telling him he was stupid and would never have any friends - she made them apologize

and didn't say a word about it when I had JUST asked her!! Damon tested higher then any other kid in the fourth grade for our state achievements - they wanted to put him up a grade - but Damon is a summer Bday and is already almost a year younger than some of the kids in his class. Plus I think he has some sort of fine motor skill development issue that I can't find anyone to notice or look at. Our school has no Gifted program. Damon is bored in school and all he does is read - he is scattered and disorganized and constantly loses his assignments. I am sure this contributes to him looking like a geek to the other kids who are rough and tumble and want to play all the time.

After the conference I told him when the kids say mean things to him he needs to say "if you have nothing nice to say, then I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" I told him he needed to control the situation and protect himself. Then he just got real upset and wouldn't go to school the next day (Friday) He claimed he had a huge headache that wouldn't go away with advil. I didn't force him cuz I don't want him to end up with some sort of anxiety disorder like I have (Ryan already shows symptoms - so I don't need to ruin Damon as well!)

I Just don't know how to help him. Any advice you have would be hugely appreciated!!

**mylittle4** · 12-12-2004, 01:07 PM

The only advice I have is not much What doesnt kill us will make us stronger. Lots of

though. It hurst so much to see our kiddos hurt. We just had the first he said she said big drama here and I think I cried more than dd.

I wish you all theluck in this and hope that things can work out. Sorry I'm not much help.

**PrairieRose** · 12-12-2004, 02:03 PM

Kimmee, I can relate to what you're saying about Damon. 2 of my own 3 dkids went through something a lot like this. Dd#1 (the oldest of our 3) was just in an awful class of kids. I mean, not all the kids were awful ofcourse but there were about 15 out of the 30 that were. They were mean, mean kids and it started the first day of kindergarden. I've had teachers tell me that they never saw a class, before or since like them. Dd was a victim there. She learned to make friends in other classes and as it ended up she was very popular as she got older. She still has scars b/c of though.
Ds was an end of August baby as well (like Damon being a summer baby and very young for his class). Ds still holds the testing records for our school as far as ACT and PSAT (he took these tests before he'd ever had any of the hard math classes as well). He is highly gifted, very disorganized and seems distracted much of the time. That is part of the gifted mentality. The down side to all of that brain power is it often makes the child stand apart socially. The best thing that I think you can do for him is to make your home a haven, where it's ok to be so different from other people. You can get him involved in a club or something outside of school where he'll have the chance to interact with other kids, possibly looking for something that would put him in touch with other gifted kids (great minds thinking alike sort of thing) so he might create some lasting friendships to weather the storms with.
It's terribly hard to see your child suffer. But the truth is he probably is different. That's a double edged sword and it's your job to rejoice in that difference without letting it go to his head (so to speak). We joke around here that it's always been our job to keep ds humble....

. Damon will learn to cope as long as you don't make a huge deal about it. I always have told my dk's that "everyone has these rainy days, you just usually don't see them". Meaning that we all have problems and shed tears, in private.
If it makes you feel any better both of our persecuted dk's did very well in high school. They got many honors academically as well as being chosen by their peers. They continue to do very well in real life as well. There is hope, he is NOT alone and neither are you.

Feel free to pm if you ever need to talk more about this. I also sooooo agree with what Angalee said "what does not kill you makes you stronger"....it's an undeniable law of nature.

**Dixie** · 12-12-2004, 02:24 PM

I agree with Lisa, I would seek out after school activities where he could meet like minded kids. I'll say a prayer for him and send big

**kaykwilts** · 12-12-2004, 02:49 PM

I don't know what to say to you except I was that child who was picked on by the other kids and to this day and I'm 52 I still have scars in that I can't trust people enough to let down my guard. I wish it wasn't so but it is. I suppose that there are a lot of people that went through the same thing.

Shame on that teacher for turning her back to kids being made fun of in her class. I had a couple of teachers like that.

**kimmee** · 12-12-2004, 05:52 PM

I wish there was more affordable after school stuff - he likes golf - but its so expensive and he was invited to join a mensa group but the fees are $150 per month ( Biweekly meetings!!) when Aimee was younger we had OM and scouts but they aren't out here. There is nothing but 4H and they don't really offer the courses he would like - I have offered to run it for him but he really wantss to go to another place to learn and I understand that - he can't always just have to have me or nothing. Ryan is so into his Playstation that he doesn't really seem bothered by the jerky kids at school all though they were hard on him last year - but it was nothing like what Damon goes through... Ryan has never been "alone" or an outsider...

I am just so frustrated - and to top it off he is the baby that daddy and Grandma wanted me to abort (because Bob only wanted two kids and Grandma thought I was ruining her sons life with all of these kids when he wanted to play sports), and then he turned out to be a redhead like my brother so they have always considered him a freak.(Oh hes mean because of that red hair - he's never going to have any friends cuz of that redhair - maybe you should dye his hair) Actually Damon's hair is a beautiful color and its nice thick hair but it is beginning to turn brown. I have always been a little more sensitive regarding Damon because of this - I hope I haven't created any of his problems... by babying him to much or something.

**guest2** · 12-12-2004, 06:57 PM

Kimmee

Damon sounds alot like my Jaysn did at that age. Could you approach the school about starting and coaching an OM group? Every state paticipates in OM and I'm sure you could find information on it. That really helped Jaysn to shine in the areas that he was good at and he learned how to work in a group setting since he was pretty much a loner (had 2 close friends, both of whom were considered "different" by the other kids). As for the grooming habits, well...you are just going to have to be on his case about that for as long as it takes. Jaysn is 17 now and it's only been within the past few years that he remembers to take care his teeth and bathe daily. I still have to remind the twins

.

**i.m.cheap** · 12-12-2004, 07:44 PM

Kimmee, here is a big

for Damon.
Molly had these kinds of problems in school too. Whenever I mention public school now, she always says something about "mean kids". If it is any consolation, I think the "oddballs" are usually very successful as adults. Think Thomas Edison. I don't imagine Bill Gates ran with the "in crowd" either.

**PrairieRose** · 12-12-2004, 11:53 PM

Had to chuckle Kimmee b/c my ds has red hair too. Yeah that must be it....

The grooming thing is laziness and boys are the worst about it. Just don't treat him differently, he gets enough of that. Expect him to be fine (or at least don't pet him b/c the kids are mean to him). He will certainly react to your reaction regarding things. You can be empathetic without going over board.