How would you convince your DH that you need to cut back on activities?

**Early Bird** · 11-27-2005, 08:55 AM

This is a bit of a whine/rant:

First off, I love homeschooling.

I especially love the days when the kids and I can snuggle up with a good book and read.

But I believe that they have to do their MATH first! And a few family chores.

That's all well-and-good. Seatwork first, then get the laundry folded. Read Alouds later.

But ... the activities.

So far, I've arranged to have this year's activities in the afternoons. That's okay, but some weeks we have activites on 4 days. Bummer. There goes my Read Aloud time.

And DH, although he is a smart guy, JUST DOESN'T GET IT about how time-consuming and disruptive the activites are.

HE KEEPS SUGGESTING NEW ACTIVITES!

In the past week, he's asked me if there's any chance of getting the kids into a Spanish class. (So far, I haven't turned anything up). And he pointed out an Ice Skating Class in the newspaper.

There is no way he'd take a day off work and walk in my shoes. ("Too busy. Got deadlines.") If I'm sick, we just cancel out of the activites for a day.

BUT HE NEEDS A DAY TO TRY TO FILL MY SHOES! A month would be better. To do seatwork, especially when the children are NOT cooperating. To get them to do a few family chores. To make meals and do laundry. AND to drag them to these ever-lasting activities!

Of course, I know that LOTS of people have more activites. But, this coming week, we have Library Book Chat; 3 music lessons; 2 speech therapy; DD#2's First Reconcilliation; and Library Paper Crafts. Oh! And I've got my mammogram one afternoon. And DH is off on Friday, so I lose Friday as a school day.

OF course, Spanish would be nice. Ice Skating would be nice. So would Swimming lessons, Soccer, Watercolor, and Homeschool Choral Group!

But I REALIZE that every activity means a sacrifice: Cut off current work, prepare for the activity, travel to the activity, travel home, decompress.

Somehow, DH, who gets frazzled and runs late when we're just getting the family ready for CHURCH every week, doesn't understand that the same concepts apply for these ^&*)%^& activities! And even more -- because for activities, you don't have another adult helping the process AND you need to drag along musical instruments or Speech Homework or swimsuits.

So, how do I convince a logical, optimistic, clueless engineer that I'm already overwhelmed with activites?

**Valerie in WA** · 11-27-2005, 11:31 AM

"Engineer" is the key word. Make out a schedule that looks like this:

7am - all rise
715 - eat breakfast
745 - kids dress & wash up while I shower
815 - breakfast dishes, scoop cat box, make beds, start laundry, thaw meat for dinner
845 - bible
900 - math with A, while B reads independently
...
etc. Down to:

230 - put away art supplies
245 - wash up, comb hair, put on shoes & coats
300 - leave for lesson
320 - arrive at lesson
330 - 415 lesson
440 - arrive home, begin preparing dinner
etc.

Show him where every minute of your day goes.

Also, how old are you children? If they are still early elementary, which I think they are, you can find some 'professional' arguments against multiple activities (such as in homeschooling books). Another suggestion for your dh would be to involve the children in the activities in succession, not concurrently. You know: speech therapy and music year round, swimming in the summer, soccer in the fall, skating in the winter, etc. That's still three activities at any one time, which is a lot!

Not only do these activities use up your time, they use up each individual child's time (including the child not attending the lesson), and they use up family time.

Another suggestion is to sit down with dh and establish (or renew) your goals for your children. When you look at your goals on the one hand, and how you spend your time OTOH, it often becomes obvious where some changes need to be made.

HTH! :hug:

**Early Bird** · 11-27-2005, 01:04 PM

Valerie, that is a BRILLIANT idea! When he sees the numbers, it'll make a lot more sense to him!!!!

And here I was stuck on the 'have him spend a day in your shoes' thinking!

You know, it's like having him spend a VIRTUAL day in my shoes!

Moderators, can we give Valerie a medal?

**Valerie in WA** · 11-27-2005, 04:00 PM

Aw, shucks...I'm glad to help you. It just sounded to me like he's kind of an 'idea man'. My dh can be like that: "Hey we should..." without thinking through the implications.

Also since he's an engineer-type, I thought he'd appreciate a well drafted report with lots of numbers.

**hollyhill** · 11-28-2005, 03:29 AM

LOL, I simply told my Dh that he was welcome to suggest anything at all, as long as he was willing to do it. He got the idea pretty quick, afterall I didn't go around suggesting ways that he could "improve" his job.

And I think you were implying me when you mentioned "others" have more activities. But I think my children are alot older than yours, right?

When my children were little I had only a few carefully selected activities. I also, started my children in them WAYYYYYY, older than many parents started their children. I just couldn't fathom spending $60/month on my 3 yr. old for ballet or music etc.
I am an advocate for the better late and when they are ready rule of thumb.
So Dd #1 had no regular weekly activities until she was 5.5 and then we began with piano, and then her 1st swimming lessons when she was 6 (one set once a year). Riding lessons with her aunt when she was 8 which she switched to gymnastics at 10. She now rides (next door) and does musical theater, instead of gymnastics. Her musical activities have expanded with her abilities......
The other 2 children had similar start ups etc.
While we did it this slow and steady way there were other homeschool parents that put their children every swim lesson set year round starting at age 3, music at age 3, gymnastics &dance at age 3 etc. They mean well, these are great activities and they wanted their children to have a "headstart". But for the majority of children this is too much too early and I saw too many children develop strong dislikes for certain activities because they were not "ready" for them.

What I am leading to is carefully weigh each activity, and determin how beneficial it is to the individual child. Exactly how much are they learning or how much skill are they developing? Is it worth your time? Also, are they the right age? Would it be better to do it when they are older?
No two children are the same....no two families.....no two ages......

I sometimes think homeschool families suffer from "the keep up with the Jones" with activities. Oh so and so is doing that and look how well their children are doing so we should do it too KWIM?
But what works for me and mine won't necessarily work for you and yours. You are the Expert with your family and situation.
So keep only what is worth your time. And drop the other stuff for now.

**Early Bird** · 11-28-2005, 10:41 AM

Oh, Hollyhill, I actually wasn't thinking of you! Really overscheduled families abound: I'm on a number of other boards, where the activity level makes my head spin!

We know one family, homeschooling one boy. He's in swim team (5 days/wk), Suzuki piano (once a week + daily practice), hip hop, scouts, and a few more activities that I don't remember! I think a day with only 2 activities is a LIGHT day for them!

But you do have a brutal schedule -- lots of evening activities, if I remember correctly.

My kids are 9 and 11, so old enough for activities. And the activities are worthwhile. I actually wish we had more opportunities for evening activities. (One scout troop meets in the evening, and DH takes DD!)

I think DH suffers from the 'Keep Up With The Joneses' Syndrome more than I do. After all, his co-workers talk about how their children excel in Karate or Swim Team or Gymnastics. And I'm just taking mine to a few non-competitive lessons. Well, mostly non-competitive. We do Battle of the Books.

And DH hates to have his repair projects put aside for weekend kids' activities. Sigh. This house needs lots of repairs; and we're fortunate that DH can do them.

Anyway, I'm thinking of showing him my afternoon schedule next time he suggests another activity!

**hollyhill** · 11-28-2005, 12:26 PM

LOL, well I am very busy, I am the first to admit it.
The other thing to point out to your Dh. Is quality is more important than quantity. You want your children to excel in a few things, not just to a tad of this and that and not do well in anything.

I know a few moms that have their children in "everything". They put in the child in anything that comes up and then many pull their children because the child doesn't like it. They feel they must try it "in case" the child might like it or be gifted in it etc. But I think thoughtful observance will let a parent know what would be suitable with out spending the money "trying" things out. KWIM.

I also find that unschoolers of older children tend to put their children in many activities "for education". They have a problem with electronic babysitting at home and a problem with setting limits so they use activities as their education.

I find getting reading is difficult sometimes too. What I have found is flexibility is the best tool. I try and do reading right after lunch but if that doesn't work it moves to late evening. And when Dh worked afternoons I read from 6pm tp 8:30 every evening (I miss that). Also, I sometimes set a side a holiday and spend a couple days reading.
Right now I plan to take a school holiday for all of Dec. I have learnt over the years that the children are just so busy in Dec. with recitals and shows that school becomes too frenzied. So I just take it off and call it a unit study on "Christmas" LOL. But I will use that time to read all the backlog on books i have as well as some fun selections too.

**canadian gardener** · 11-28-2005, 01:27 PM

hmm you mention the darling man is home on Friday eh?

Well if I were you, I'd schedule a day off for you, and a day homeschooling for daddy dearest.

And leave a GOOD list for him to follow of all what you have to get done that day.

Don't forget the housework, and chauffeur responsibilities, answering the phone, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and any errands that need doing.

IN addition, all subject matter due that day.

And go to the mall, where you can't be reached by phone. Kiss him as you leave, and mention how you are so looking forward to that meal he is planning.

THAT should do the trick

but hey I've got a cruel streak in me, heheheheheheheh

seriously, I'm in agreement with the above suggestions. They make a lot of sense.

HUGS!

**Early Bird** · 11-28-2005, 02:13 PM

Oh, Darling H WANTs to spend more time doing school with the children. In fact, he really loves reading aloud to them. Every now and then he'll teach a math lesson or go over their homework.

BUT: We selected his work schedule (It's called a 9-80 schedule: 9 long work days; every 2nd Friday off) because there are just so darn many house repairs ! And car repairs! And necessary visits to family. And runs to the hardware store ... and .... you know, the list is endless.

He's not relaxing on his days off. He's generally on top of a ladder (and I'm steadying the base) or he's under a car (and I'm handing him tools).

And it's usually something that NEEDS to get done ASAP. So, no opportunity to slow down and explain to the kids. When it's the last nice weather day, and you've GOT to put preservative on the siding, it's not a good time to explain the principles of the paint sprayer to your kids. Or when you've got till 6 o'clock to rotate the tires, assemble the shed, and unload the trailer.

DH is active in their scouting. For example, this Saturday night, he'll probably take both kids with the troop when they go to see The Nutcracker. I'll opt out -- and catch up on a bit of work around here.

It makes for a long school year, since I can't use DH's Fridays as school days. But that's okay; I like homeschooling. And there's a tremendous sense of satisfaction in getting a project done.

BUT, we're waaay too busy. I think life would be just right if we had one or two activities a week. And the rest of the time was spent reading books, doing seatwork, and doing projects.

You see, I see that the kids get a LITTLE benefit from a LOT of time invested in activities.

For example, when preparing for a sacrament, the children have extra religious ed on some Sundays. At least one parent must attend. [It's usually me, while DH splits wood.] So, DD and I leave the house at 2; class starts at 2:30. The leader says some prayers; and then they read the Gospel about the Good Shepherd. After that, the kids do a craft, gluing cotton balls onto a cutout sheep. Some questions-and-answers about The Good Shepherd. Class ends around 4; I get back home at 4:30.

Almost 2 and a half-hours invested to make a cotton ball sheep! It drives me nuts! I could have been doing read alouds! Or going for a walk with one of the kids! Or taking a NAP! Or helping DH rotate the tires! Instead, I spend a sizeable chunk of time accomplishing .... a cotton ball sheep!

That's how I feel about a lot of activities: Parents invest a lot of time for very little benefit to the student! Another example is scout fundraisers. DH and B (the other leader) take the troop to hold a cookie-booth sale. B works the booth from 10-2; DH and I work from 2-5. B and another mom do setup. In the meantime, the girls show up for 1-hour shifts. They giggle. They play. They yell out, "Girl Scout Cookies!" They might sell a few cookies, but mostly it's the PARENTS unpacking crates and making change! At the end of the day, DH and I pack up the booth, load up our truck, and deliver the booth hardware, leftover cookies, and the cash back to B. The girls and their friends giggle in the back seat.

I suppose some activities are worthwhile. Speech therapy, certainly. Music lessons also. And a lot of our library programs are great -- inspiring, and not time-wasting. But some of the activities are just plain frustrating!

**Early Bird** · 11-28-2005, 02:25 PM

BTW, I am an Idiot Savant about scheduling!

I always have been (modest grin). I remember my mom remarking how amazed she was at the way I worked my schedule, waaay back when I was in high school.

In fact, I did my thesis on Job Scheduling in Parallel Processing Computers.

Could it be that DH just realizes that adding another task is possible if you are a Master Scheduler? Nawww.

So, for kids' activities, I generally build off the critical anchors. That's mainly Speech Therapy. And then I browbeat their other tutors to adapt to my needs!

So, today:

1:30 leave home.
1:45-2:15 music theory class (DD#1)
2:15-2:45 violin lesson (DD#2) [same location for both music lessons]
3-3:30 speech therapy (DD#2)
3:35-4:30 library book chat (both kids)

Pretty good, to get DD#2 in 3 activities, and DD#1 in 2, during a 3 hour absence from home.

Thursday I'm even clustering MORE activities: piano lesson, speech therapy, library trip, confession, and evening Mass.

It's great to be an Idiot Savant!

**hollyhill** · 11-28-2005, 02:29 PM

Well, Early bird. Show Dh what you just wrote! It is PERFECT it explains it all so well!

Drop the church program (I am sure you do bible studies at home which aren't so twaddly). For scouts make other parents volunteer their time, too. So you are not doing all the fundraisers. I am fortunate that our Scout troop (Boys and girls) is a homeschool troop. ALL parents divide the work so no one parent does all! And our kids are EXPECTED to do the work (us homeschoolers are pretty tough on our kids Hehe). Camping is bliss with these kids! THEY do all the work, set up, cooking, cleanup even alot of the planning (but not all). Fundraisers are equally shared.

I think you are already thinking about the "worthiness" of the activities ie: amount of learning vs time invested.....so share that with Dh. Also, it might be more useful to get the children to "learn" life skills by helping your hardworking Dh fix things, change tires etc....those are very important learning opprtunities too!

**Valerie in WA** · 11-28-2005, 03:10 PM

Originally posted by hollyhill
I sometimes think homeschool families suffer from "the keep up with the Jones" with activities. Oh so and so is doing that and look how well their children are doing so we should do it too KWIM?

I've felt this recently. This year, the only activity the girls have is gymnastics, one day a week. We are not currently attending church. So that's IT.

When I took dd1 to her new therapist, during the intake, she asked about social activities (not because we homeschool, just in general). I felt really stupid when I said that she goes to gymnastics for an hour-and-a-half one day a week. We do not have regular playdates or anything. I don't know if my feeling stupid was justified or not, but I sure felt that way.

But I have to say that last year, we were over-scheduled (for us, at least). They had gymnastics Tuesday afternoons (which pushed slightly into dinner time), and children's choir Thursday evenings (which pushed right up to bedtime). We went to church on my weekends off and the girls and I also attended a Bible study on Wednesday mornings (for 2.5hrs). Dd1 and I both had homework and I also did all the music. I hated it.

Now I can easily spend 2 or 3 days at home, without going anywhere. I love that.

**Early Bird** · 11-28-2005, 06:08 PM

It's so nice to have all this support! Years ago, I read an article by Amy D about 'creative deprivation.' She talked about how a picture with space around it makes more of an impact than a picture crowded onto an overcrowded wall.

The same applies to activities!