parenting teenagers question

**YankeeMom** · 05-05-2008, 12:20 PM

For those of you with teenagers....

What are the consequences for when your teenagers get smart mouthed? Both of my girls (almost 16 and 13) are getting exceptionally mouthy and disrespectful. Especially with dh. I usually just ignore it unless it's quite blatant. But dh cannot. He gets REALLY mad, yells, swears, and I feel like I'm caught in the middle because I hate the yelling & swearing and REALLY can't abide by the disrespect (rightfully so).

They've had no computer for the last month, aside from syncing their iPods.
Dd15 has a cell phone but doesn't use it. Pretty much the only "currency" they have is access to their iPod. They occasionally have friends over, but even that has been suspended because of their mouthiness lately. What to do? Do I clear their rooms of everything and make them earn it ALL back? There's not much, they don't have tv or internet in their rooms. They each have personal DVD players (w/ the screen) and Dd13 has her Nintendo DS.

I am at my wits end.

**lwlynch** · 05-05-2008, 12:25 PM

Well my 16 year old is always mouthy and very sarcastic. And lately a few dirty words. Hey I just take on the spot. First I start with their savings. A dollar a word. Then for the big show outs I turn it all off. Pull the plugs for a week. Then I take driving priviledges.. then when all that fails and I am to the point of just holding my head and screaming.. I tell them to just wait they will won't something soon.. pretty much I just wing it and pray that this toooooo shall pass...lol.... I am no help...

**happimommi** · 05-05-2008, 01:41 PM

My DD15 is a nightmare sometimes. Depending on the situation we have taken her cell phone, Ipod, stereo, ect and sent her to her room until she can act like a human again. Although, if it is PMS time, I try to ignore her!

**PrairieRose** · 05-05-2008, 01:53 PM

You know, I never tolerated much back talk and never allowed any disrespect. I normally handled it with a stern look and 'that's enough!' and that was all we needed. I think if I were you I'd try 'talking' to the girls during a calm period, in private. Find out if there is some reason they seem to be disrespectful to your dh. Maybe they don't feel respected themselves...? I don't have any idea but sometimes a very little comment can cause all sorts of resentments. If you can resolve the root of the problem it might really help. They are teenagers and they will have the little outbursts of rebellion. I'm not sure that there is any way to avert it completely. I jokingly tell my friends that this is nature's way of preparing our hearts to let go of them in only a couple of more years (in your case). It really is a time of asserting their independence.....I know it's difficult for you

**mommy4ever** · 05-05-2008, 03:27 PM

We had an episode with our ds. We took everything from him. He had books, and stuff for school work. He had NO home alone privileges anymore, no music, no mps, no cd player, only his clock radio. No computer, no ds, no phone, and worst of all, no door. He was also "the maid". He had extra cleaning chores during this time. As his attitude improved, he earned back some privileges. It was harsh, but nothing else was working. He loves music that is his 'thing', so taking it all away really hit the spot, with the door. Your own bedroom(biggest in the house) unshared, in the basement away from your parents isn't a right, but a priviliege. I told him, that if it didn't improve he'd be moving upstairs. He'd have a dress in our room, and an foamy to sleep on. Now space of his own. It wouldn't be considered abuse as he's provided iwth a space to sleep that is warm and safe.

Needless to say, he shaped up really quick. He didn't earn all his privileges back right way. He didn't get home alone privileges for almost 9 months.

**wannabedebtfree** · 05-05-2008, 03:28 PM

Fortunately I have not had this problem (yet) with my 15 y/o dd. (Behavior is another matter). I could probably give her "the look" and she would know I was mad and she would apologize. If that didnt work, I would take her Ipod and that would punish her for sure.

**Its_Donna** · 05-05-2008, 03:28 PM

Teenagers - strange creatures they are.

I have a 17 y/o and boy oh boy can I relate to this. The stern look and making my feelings known usually gets him to zip the lip but the hatefulness and sarcasim is still there.......this too shall pass.......when.....not sure....but I hope it hurries up!

We usually take away the fun things in life but it's just the nature of the teen beast. Hang in there!

**jamie79** · 05-05-2008, 03:29 PM

Yep letting them know the limits is good. If they continue to push the limits then start taking the IPODS etc away,
Also have a conversation with your dh. Hes not being the least bit respectful and the kids are seeing that. They learn what they live

**dianne9106** · 05-05-2008, 03:45 PM

I know we all have certain expectations of our children and we expect for them to live up to our standards. It sounds like your girls are way in the depths of puberty and a guy that is not their father telling them what to do is just grating on their nerves. Is it right - NO, but it's real. Teenagers KNOW IT ALL! Mine does and everyone else's does as well. Speak to them about what is going on at school - they could be having issues with peer pressure or someone really getting to them there. You are the boss and set down the rules - but taking every single thing is not going to always make them better children. They just learn to resent you for "hurting them". When they start getting mouthy - ask them what their problem is. If they don't want to talk about it in front of DH -then take them aside - they know you will share with him in the end. On the spot correction is the best thing - mine usually gets over it within 30 minutes, but I do get knee deep in his behind. Get DH work with you as a team - allow him to mediate some issues - even if it does make you look like the "bad guy". My husband saves me from myself often when I fly off the handle. It sounds like the reverse with you and DH. You need to make it clear that they WILL NOT behave like that in your home - and if that means getting in there face -then so be it. If you and DH team up hopefully you can bust up their tag team action. Good Luck!

**cab54** · 05-08-2008, 02:30 PM

Is what you're doing right now helping? Taking away the priveleges and techno-stuff? Do they seem regretful and sorry about their behavior? Or are they like---so big DEAL?

Why do you think they do this more with dad? (just curious, cause my sons never tried ANYTHING with dad

, only me, cause I was fair game--meaning I wouldn't kill them----dad would have put them in military school, LOL.)

As frustrating as it is, sometimes it just takes hanging in there and being consistent with it--much like you do with toddlers, LOL.) If they seem truly repentent after punishment, and ready to try and be civil to mom and dad again, then what ever you did, you know it was the right thing. They will try you again, though. Teens don't give up easily.

I like Ms. Louise's idea of handling it on the spot--calmly and cool-ly. (this may be tough for dads though--they seem to only know how to scream). I would say to my sons--(in a soft calm voice) "That sounded really smart-alecky and rude!---wanna try wording that differently and taking it down a couple of decibels? Like I'm your mother and not your worst enemy?" That usually made them realize how they sounded and they calmed down.

I don't envy you. Tough road.

**YankeeMom** · 05-08-2008, 03:28 PM

Originally Posted by cab54

Is what you're doing right now helping? Taking away the priveleges and techno-stuff? Do they seem regretful and sorry about their behavior? Or are they like---so big DEAL?

Why do you think they do this more with dad? (just curious, cause my sons never tried ANYTHING with dad

, only me, cause I was fair game--meaning I wouldn't kill them----dad would have put them in military school, LOL.)

My oldest is being the biggest pain about it. Whining and complaining BUT no more sass/disrespect. The younger one is more eager to earn her stuff back as quickly as possible lol.

What they are doing is mostly talking back. When they're told to do something it's "hold on" or "wait a minute" which really wouldn't be a big deal esp if they are in the middle of doing something. BUT it never gets done after the "minute" is up. They have to be told again and when we get irritated with having to tell them over & over they get defensive and end up copping an attitude. It's not like they're swearing at us or yelling at us. Mostly it's the talking back "but I don't want to", but this, or but that. Or "so & so doesn't have to" or whatever.

They do do it with me, but I nip it in the bud or just ignore it if it's mild enough. Dh doesn't ignore any of it. He's old school and retired a retired first sgt. After 24 yrs in the Army telling people to jump and they do, it's difficult for him to have them defy him lol. They get a rise out of him. He gets mad, yells, etc. I don't. It's just not my way of handling things. I just say "this is the way it is" and that's that. There's no more discussion. At least not from me. They may grumble about it, but I don't respond to their grumbling and they just do it anyway. Dh doesn't feel he should have to listen to ANY grumbling. He thinks he should be able to tell them to do something and they just do it. He needs to understand they aren't soldiers, they're children. They may be tall and have grown up bodies, but they're still kids.

Plus, he's their step dad. He's their "only dad" because their bio dad died 10 yrs ago and this dad has been with them since they were 7 and 5, it's still different than if he were their bio dad. For them anyway.

Who knows what teenagers think anymore lol.

It is getting better though.

**cab54** · 05-08-2008, 03:58 PM

Sounds like you've got the right idea (IMO) telling them 'this is how it is' and then just ignoring. Mine were pretty easy kids, But they did try some mouthy stuff. They usually would get p!ssy with me, because they were mad at their dad, as he was tougher on them. I recognized it as a way of letting off the steam SOMEWHERE. They were just p!ssy and smart-alecky, not too rude, and no swearing at me. Ever. Sounds like yours are pretty easy too, just going through the usual teen hormonal/power-struggle roller-coaster.

The procrastination (In a minute, when I get done with....) is SOOO normal. I'm not sure they even realize that they are doing it in hopes that you'll forget you ever asked them. It becomes second nature to them after awhile, to say something to stall. Normal, although not acceptable for most parents. I wish I had a dollar for every time I said, "NOW, Mister!!"

And like many have said here-----my kids are great men now. Normal well adjusted college/grad school guys who love their momma

and IM me occasionally. It WILL pass.

I found humor to help (at leats it helped ME) me get through the teen times somewhat. I don't think my boys appreciated the humor though. One of the biggest things that even I thought the kids should have was an early enough bedtime to get the rest they needed for schoolwork etc. Like when they were 16-17, they had friends (and I found out this was TRUE, not a made up story) who didn't have to go to bed on school nights if they didn't want to. Some were up all night playing games and others would conk out at 3-4 am. Might I add that their grades and behavior showed it! I would get "I can't believe we have a bedtime, our friends don't have one! (true, I checked with the stupid parents)

I would say back (shocked, pity-ing look on my face) "Oh that's HORRIBLE! It must be so awful to have parents who don't care about you! Poor Nate!" And walk away..........

**Jamauk** · 05-08-2008, 04:33 PM

Ok, I don't have teenagers (my kids are 5 & 2), but it sounds to me like maybe their feeding off DH's reaction? You mention that you hear a little bit of grumbling, but they get the message and ultimately do what you ask, right? That sounds pretty normal....if they grumble a bit and DH flies off the handle, maybe they get on the defense and feel they have the right to fly off the handle, too?

One thing that is starting to work in our house - again our kids are younger - but it makes the kids look at things a little differently. Instead of telling my kids "Don't talk to daddy that way" I tell them, "I'm sorry, but I can't allow anyone to speak to my husband like that" My husband uses it too "No one gets to treat my wife that way"

It helps the kids to understand that I'm not just "Mom", but I'm also someone's wife. My DH wouldn't tolerate some random person talking to me like that out on the street, and he won't tolerate our children talking to me like that either.

I'm eager to hear what works - I'll keep it in my arsenal for my when my kids do become teenagers!

**YankeeMom** · 05-08-2008, 04:47 PM

Originally Posted by cab54

One of the biggest things that even I thought the kids should have was an early enough bedtime to get the rest they needed for schoolwork etc. Like when they were 16-17, they had friends (and I found out this was TRUE, not a made up story) who didn't have to go to bed on school nights if they didn't want to. Some were up all night playing games and others would conk out at 3-4 am. Might I add that their grades and behavior showed it! I would get "I can't believe we have a bedtime, our friends don't have one! (true, I checked with the stupid parents)

I would say back (shocked, pity-ing look on my face) "Oh that's HORRIBLE! It must be so awful to have parents who don't care about you! Poor Nate!" And walk away..........

Omgosh we have the SAME conversations!!

The girls go to bed at 9pm. Lights have to be out by 9:30pm. This gives them time to lay out whatever they need for the next day, get the jumpies out, do the bathroom thing, etc. before going to bed. They *always* moan & groan about their friends not having a bedtime. Teens need almost as much sleep as infants, so I really don't understand the reasoning behind parents not giving their kids a bedtime. Just what are they going to do when they have a job & have to get up early for it? Jeesh!

One thing that is starting to work in our house - again our kids are younger - but it makes the kids look at things a little differently. Instead of telling my kids "Don't talk to daddy that way" I tell them, "I'm sorry, but I can't allow anyone to speak to my husband like that" My husband uses it too "No one gets to treat my wife that way"

It helps the kids to understand that I'm not just "Mom", but I'm also someone's wife. My DH wouldn't tolerate some random person talking to me like that out on the street, and he won't tolerate our children talking to me like that either.

Jessica, that is a great idea. Just last night dh & I were goofing around at the dinner table. We were all joking and dh said something like "stuff it" or something (with a grin on his face) and youngest ds (6) said "you don't talk to your WIFE that way" lol. He gets it! Even though dh was only joking with me lol.

**MomK** · 05-08-2008, 06:35 PM

My mother always says, "If they stayed cute and sweet, you'd never let them leave home. Adolescence is God's way of getting parents to let go."

Still...what to do in the meantime??

I believe that if DH is really angry, and you are ignoring it, maybe you should step in and say something to support DH in front of the girls. Then in private, tell him you will support him when the girls get a smart mouth, but you think he needs to tone down his temper.

That way, you are supporting him, & letting the girls know you support him. You and DH stand together as a united front against the teenage smart mouths.

As far as punishment, whatever you have found that works with your kids: grounding usually works at our house.