Blended family question for summer time

**Palooka** · 05-06-2008, 02:11 AM

My husband and his ex-wife has 50/50 custody of their daughter. They both work full time and I am a SAHM. For the last 5 years I have watched my step-daughter because I was not 'working' (ya know not gettin paid *sigh*)

Now her mom just quit her job and is not planning to go back to work for a long time. So here lies the question that is going to be weird for me...

When she is out of school this summer, do you think it is my responsiblity to watch her 50% of the time (because of the divorce decree that I had nothing to do about and wasn't there when they had sex) when my husband is at work and her mom is at home??? Why should I take care of my step-daughter those days when her mom is availible? I think she might resent me for that and her mom does like to take advantage of me. It is sad.

To make a long story short and I hope I make sense and not trying to sound snotty, but should it be my responsiblity to watch her half the days of the week so her mom can tan and shop and also so my husband can 'mantain' his rep of being there for her 50/50 because of the court agreement.

They worked it out before when I wasn't in the picture...

Anyone have advice or understand? Looking at either party for fairness...

**mmy2grls** · 05-06-2008, 02:20 AM

I have no experience but shouldn't she be with the dad when he was home from work and then the mom the other time since she won't be working anymore?

**Palooka** · 05-06-2008, 02:41 AM

Originally Posted by mmy2grls

I have no experience but shouldn't she be with the dad when he was home from work and then the mom the other time since she won't be working anymore?

Bingo, yes! That would make perfect sense, huh...But I guess they both keep score about the 50/50. My husband gets paranoid sometimes because of their past and afraid of the child support thingy...even though this has been the same for 10 years and uh..she is not a nice person..I really try to get along with her...

But...I don't think it is fair that I get taken advantage of when them two can't work it it out. I always have to pick up the peices. I feel that this has taken a toll on me and my step-daughters relationship. She is 10 now.

She married a rich guy now. She is a gold-digger.. in so many ways. I am all for child support for the single parent and all, but not to use your child as a pawnd. I hate being caught in the middle.

No matter what I do, it always seems to back-fire. Blood is thicker than water, I guess.

<<
So I am trying to be the right step parent and know my boundries and responsiblities. I ain't finding it on google..

**Lady_V** · 05-06-2008, 07:24 AM

Eh... I will be the one who rocks the boat...

They have 50/50 custody. That means she is with Mom 50% (and if mom is working, she needs to provide for childcare during that time) and with Dad 50% of the time (again, responsible for childcare while at his house).

If the Mom was asking you to watch her during Mom's week so she could kick back and sunbathe, I'd tell you to politely hand her a map with a long walk of a short pier. You are asking if you should be responsible for watching her while she is in YOUR home, with YOUR husband, her father. Is there a reason you don't want her around this summer while she is at your house?

You weren't there when they created her, but you married her father and became a part of the family, even if only extended.

**smk0817** · 05-06-2008, 08:58 AM

Do they have a set schedule of visitation? We used to go through this with my stepson and yes, it caused lots of resentment on all parts. I look back now that he is grown and realized I should have just "sucked it up" and been there for him with a smile and open arms. Look at this as an opportunity to get closer to your step-daughter.

Stephanie

**YankeeMom** · 05-06-2008, 09:15 AM

Originally Posted by Lady_V

If the Mom was asking you to watch her during Mom's week so she could kick back and sunbathe, I'd tell you to politely hand her a map with a long walk of a short pier. You are asking if you should be responsible for watching her while she is in YOUR home, with YOUR husband, her father. Is there a reason you don't want her around this summer while she is at your house?

You weren't there when they created her, but you married her father and became a part of the family, even if only extended.

I agree 100%

You shouldn't have to watch her during the mom's time. But if it's your husband's time, yeah. She's part of the family. To ask your husband to find alternative care for his child while he's at work during his 50% of the time is a bit...well, cold.

**Palooka** · 05-06-2008, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by YankeeMom

I agree 100%

You shouldn't have to watch her during the mom's time. But if it's your husband's time, yeah. She's part of the family. To ask your husband to find alternative care for his child while he's at work during his 50% of the time is a bit...well, cold.

Well no, I would never ask my husband to find someone else to watch her. That would be cold. I've always watched her and taken care of her from day one.

It would seem different for me to have her a week at a time when her mom could be with her more now since she is not working. I'm sure her daughter would enjoy that. But it is not really up to me though. We also live about 3 minutes apart from each other so that part works out well. I seem a little resentful about it because I have been taken advantage before from her mother when she didn't want to watch her when it was her time and I did.

Anyways, it gets confusing and hard to explain because of things that have happened in the past. My husband and her fight alot so I am caught in the middle. The 50/50 thing changes alot and I don't think they always work it out very well.

Thanks for the input.

**emily_hope** · 05-06-2008, 06:22 PM

How does the 50/50 work? I have a client and he shares custody with his ex. He has his daughter one full week and then the Mother has her one full week. Of course, they help each other out if needed. I don't think his ex asks him and his new wife to keep her while she relaxes and sunbathes, however, if she did he would just be more than happy to have more time with her.

I have my own children and two stepchildren. I knew DH had children when I married him. I try to treat my stepchildren as if they are my own. And I do think that if you are available to care for your stepdaughter when it is your husband's visitation time, that you should care for her. Now, when it's the Mother's time, I would hope that she would want her daughter with her. If not, then I guess the choice is yours as to whether you have the time to watch her or not. The wisest choice, IMHO, is to put the child's feelings first.

**perSue** · 05-06-2008, 06:28 PM

Honestly, this is something you need to discuss w/your dh.

it's technically between him and his ex wife.

IF you want to have your dsd - tell your dh that you want here there.

otherwise, it depends on what the settlement says. and you have to follow that. it can be revised if you and your dh want it to... but that's a whole 'nother can of worms.

but this is something to be decided between dh & his ex... with dh understanding what YOU want.

good luck

**FrugalMomof3** · 05-06-2008, 06:48 PM

I guess I would be called the mean one but...

YES she is your DSD but it's not YOUR responsibility to watch her, the Mother and Father need to work out terms so the time she is with the dad is when he is home, etc. If the Mother is home all day and doesnt work she should watch the DD and make sure she is available and ready for the Father when it's his turn to visit.

If your DH isnt home and the visitation is with him and her, why should you have to change your plans, that is unless you want to but personally and legally... it's not your responsibility.

Maybe they need to change visitation to something easier and when the dad is home... like every weekend or every other weekend, after school or when DH get's home to a set time approved by both parents. Days that dad is off from work, something to make it an even 50/50 custody but not putting the burden on you.

I am a step-mom and the agreement was made between the Mom and Dad when you werent around, how did they manage before you came into the picture?

Have you spoken to your DH about this? Let me tell you if you dont stand up to him and tell him how you feel, you will become the pushover and nothing will change and you will regret it and start having harsh feelings, sounds like right now your the father at this point since your the one taking care of the DD while he is at work.

My DSD always ask my DH to watch our grandson or for this or that and he ALWAYS says yes without consulting with me, I resent it so now when they call sometimes when I see their # on caller ID I dont answer it because I know what they want.

**Palooka** · 05-06-2008, 06:58 PM

First let me state again that I am the one that takes care of her when it is dh's time.

I think the week on and week off is a good way to make it work, but her mom doesn't. A couple summer's ago we did this and it worked out great and I do think it is best for the child. It seems her mom is happier having her bounce back and forth and that causes problems.

How they do it now gets confusing to both party's. Like back and forth like one day or two, like maybe 3 nights she is here and the next week different. They call to exchange times and so it does not always work out 50/50. They don't always follow the divorce decree. Of course the weekends our with us and then her. So during the week nights it changes all the time. neither one of them have mon-through-Friday jobs either so that is where it gets hard for them to work out their schedules.

My point is that now it should not have to be this way for the summer since her mom will be home. I think that would be the best for her. Of course I am still going to take care of her. I also feel my stepdaughter would want to spend more time with her mom because she used to work all the time and now she can be there more for her. I treat her just like my other kids, I just think it only makes sense for the children to be with their parents as much as they can.

I have talked to my dh and he agree's with me. So we will see how it goes as far as exchanging her. Of course I only have a certain amount to say because this is what was set up in the courts when they got divorced.They just don't always follow it..So I am always there. I am not sure if I explained that well or not.

Thanks.

**emily_hope** · 05-06-2008, 09:38 PM

JMHO, but it also seems to me that your DSD needs more stability. She really doesn't have any sort of schedule it doesn't sound like. I think it would be easier on everyone if there were some sort of set visitation schedule.

**Palooka** · 05-06-2008, 10:02 PM

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

I guess I would be called the mean one but...

YES she is your DSD but it's not YOUR responsibility to watch her, the Mother and Father need to work out terms so the time she is with the dad is when he is home, etc. If the Mother is home all day and doesnt work she should watch the DD and make sure she is available and ready for the Father when it's his turn to visit.

If your DH isnt home and the visitation is with him and her, why should you have to change your plans, that is unless you want to but personally and legally... it's not your responsibility.

Maybe they need to change visitation to something easier and when the dad is home... like every weekend or every other weekend, after school or when DH get's home to a set time approved by both parents. Days that dad is off from work, something to make it an even 50/50 custody but not putting the burden on you.

I am a step-mom and the agreement was made between the Mom and Dad when you werent around, how did they manage before you came into the picture?

Have you spoken to your DH about this? Let me tell you if you dont stand up to him and tell him how you feel, you will become the pushover and nothing will change and you will regret it and start having harsh feelings, sounds like right now your the father at this point since your the one taking care of the DD while he is at work.

My DSD always ask my DH to watch our grandson or for this or that and he ALWAYS says yes without consulting with me, I resent it so now when they call sometimes when I see their # on caller ID I dont answer it because I know what they want.

Thank you Tracy for this post. If any step parent acts like it is a cakewalk being a stepmom or stepdad then I feel they are not really being honest.

There was a time when I was a total pushover but not anymore and I know exactly what you mean. Even when I worked full time, I still was taken advantage of. It's not so much like this now, but when I found out she is not working anymore, I wanted to get this taken care of and know what is expected from me, ya know. Any decision they make affects me, because I am the one that picks up their peices and caught in the middle. Maybe if her mom was not so up and down and difficult, I would feel different. Me and my dh have worked a lot through it in the past.

Also a step child will resent the step-parent if they are the ones always taken care of them, especially when they know their real parent is available.JMHO.

I try to turn the table and put myself in their situation. Ya know what. My daughter has a stepmom and I respect her so much and would never drive my daughter to her dads house and 'dump' her off on her stepmom when her dad was not there...just so I could have a break. I know it is not her responsibilty, but me and her dad to raise her. I would feel like a horrible parent if I did that.

I know everybody's situation is different, but this is mine.

Thanks.

**Palooka** · 05-06-2008, 10:05 PM

Originally Posted by emily_hope

JMHO, but it also seems to me that your DSD needs more stability. She really doesn't have any sort of schedule it doesn't sound like. I think it would be easier on everyone if there were some sort of set visitation schedule.

I agree. Trust me I have tried to work this out where it just makes common sense. But I can only do so much.

**annymoll** · 05-06-2008, 10:49 PM

I do not have a blended family, but if I married a man with a child I would be happy to watch the child while I was home. My home would be the childs home as well. I would not care what the mother was doing. Let her go where ever.The child is the most important person.