sad on mother's day

**janelane** · 05-11-2008, 04:02 AM

Sorry to be a drag on a nice day, I realize this isn't an emotional support forum. I looked around and I guess family would be the best place to post this. I don't really hang out anywhere on the net, this whole forum thing and talking to strangers is new to me! But I figured as many of you that there are here, someone has experience with this, in the same boat, or could maybe lend some uplifing words?

I'm having a really difficult time with Mother's Day. It's 4am, I can't sleep, I can't sit still. I'm trying to stay positive, I really am. But I'm down, tired, frustrated, feeling awful about myself and my body. I'm questioning who I am and what I always wanted to be.

I had my second miscarriage at the end of March, into my 15th week. I guess I'm still mourning.

We were supposed to go out with my brother, mother, and her parents (it's my grandmother's 70th birthday as well) and I just can't bring myself to do it, I really don't want to break down in public, and I know I would at some point.

DH is being nice and supportive, but I'm not really telling him how bad it is, he's got work this weekend, I don't want to bother him. I'm hoping just letting it out here will help me feel better.

It gets better, right?

Sigh. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

**janelane** · 05-11-2008, 04:06 AM

meh, sorry, I should've put this in pregnancy, I didn't see "birth loss" under there. I'm still getting used the the categories. I'm just embarassing myself all over the place here today, lol.

**YankeeMom** · 05-11-2008, 07:49 AM

((((HUGS))) Janie

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you.

**Dancing Lotus** · 05-11-2008, 07:54 AM

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have miscarried and it was right before mothers day.Dh had already bought me a gift.

I would like to tell you that it does get better, but I now have children so that may be the difference. Try not to be so hard on yourself and if you need to talk to your dh do so. When someone you love "needs you " your aren't "bothering" them.

**Daisygirl** · 05-11-2008, 08:07 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarraige between my two chidren, and despite the fact I had a child, it did not take away the heartbreak.

I can only imagine how badly you feel right now. I too would skip the family function - that is just going to be too much. I agree with Ann, talk to your DH. It is important he know how terribly you are feeling, and he can't read your mind.

Another suggestion would be to speak with your doctor, sometimes we need professional help getting over such a terrible loss. After my miscarraige I was brefly prescribed anti-depressants when I couldn't shake the grief, and they helped a lot.

My thoughts are with you today.

**favesis37** · 05-11-2008, 08:08 AM

big hugs to you. we have lost 2 grandchildren and i know the parents are thinking fo them , they all have other kids now but i know it crosses their minds.

**TheRootedNomad** · 05-11-2008, 08:31 AM

I'm not a huge follower of the "take care of yourself first" before doing what family is expecting you to do mindset so I don't say it to others too often. Doesn't mean I don't believe it's true though or that sometimes I force myself to say "no, I need this". If what you need is to stay home and grieve today then that's what you do. If what you need is to be around other people and not let yourself stay focused on the grief then you go.

In another thread I thought you mentioned being "mom" to your brother. As I parented my sister for awhile I can understand that connection. I would probably go to enjoy the time with her. It is a different bond than the ones I have with my other siblings.

**Its_Donna** · 05-11-2008, 08:43 AM

Sorry for your loss, Big Hugs to you

**Lady_V** · 05-11-2008, 09:06 AM

Janie,

Happy Womans Day!

Do what feels right for you today, but also think about how you feel tomorrow if you didn't go to her 70th birthday.

I lost 7 children. I can not say it gets easier... but I can say over time, remembering doesn't hurt quite as much as it did the day before... it will take some time before every moment is not a constant reminder.

We are all here for you

**many houseapes** · 05-11-2008, 09:21 AM

Hugs for you...I can truly understand how much it hurts. We lost a little girl through miscarriage(first baby after my tubes were reversed)...and it is true that time is the greatest healer. You will never forget about your child,but the pain lessens over time. When we lost our child, I tried to keep as active as possible so I wouldn't think about it constantly.I am sure that your grandmother would be very happy if you could be with her on her birthday.....it will get better.

**AmyBoz** · 05-11-2008, 09:21 AM

to you Jane.

**dianne9106** · 05-11-2008, 09:47 AM

Janie -
I do feel your pain - I suffered two miscarriages within in six months and it was tragic. I can only imagine your pain right now. My husband took it as hard as I did and he still talks about how painful it was to this day! So do not discount your husband's pain - you love him thus you should share your feelings with him. Doing anything less would only be cheating him of his grief. My very best advice is to seek grief counseling - that will be the best time and money ever spent when healing. We went both times - my husband was deployed to Iraq when I lost our first baby, though he was home the second time around. Grief counselor know the best thing to say that will help you get through this. When you are ready to try again, I would see your OB before you even start and ask what can be done to make sure the pregnancy continues. I certainly would not give up nor rush into it again. You are in my thoughts and I wish you the very best. Also - if you can make and appearance at your family outing, if only to wish everyone the best. Take care.

**Darlene** · 05-11-2008, 09:51 AM

I'm sorry this happened. Along with Daisymom I think talking to your doctor would be a good thing, sometimes we need a little help and it's OK to ask.

Sending you a heartfelt hug and wishes that you do go to celebrate your Grandmother. It's a positive thing & you'll be surounded by people who love you, but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready.
Do call your doc though, ok?

**PrairieRose** · 05-11-2008, 09:56 AM

Jayne, like some of the other ladies I can say I truly understand where you're coming from b/c I've been there as well. I suffered a miscarriage and it was incredibly painful. As far as the day goes, well it's really just another day (a holiday created by the floral industry) but do what you need to do for the day. I think it would be a great idea to seek professional help as well. I would also recommend Joel Osteen's 'Your Best Life Now' book. It's wonderful.

**forHISglory** · 05-11-2008, 12:45 PM

Holidays are tough. While the public-face for most holidays involving family and love is a positive face, the private-face for those who grieve is most painful. We are led to think that there must be something wrong with us for being sad or down on Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Christmas, etc.

There is nothing wrong with us. God created us with emotions and that includes sorrow as well as joy.

I could not have children. And it reached a point that I could not bring myself to go to baby showers, christenings, and children's birthday parties. Mother's Day was especially sad as the whole concept centered around what I was not.

Was I being self centered? Probably I was to some extent. I was majoring on what I did not have and ignoring the many blessings that I did have. Nevertheless, the loss and hurt were there, and I had to deal with it.

We later adopted, but I have always remembered how I felt on those special days, and I try to be sensitive to those who do not fit the public-face mold.

Give yourself a hug from me. There are many of us here who care.