Are you kiding me, my inlaws have to be a joke

**Dancing Lotus** · 05-20-2008, 11:10 PM

What do you have to say to someone to get them to understand you don't want to know them?

It all started with my Brother in law. He is a big fat looser, drug addict, Alcoholic, selfish , car thief. Oh and he has been charged with a million other crimes. I disliked him from day one. He actually gave me the creeps. Good thing I had already fallen for Dh before I met him otherwise I would have told him I wasn't interested based on his brother....

The Bil then gets a girlfriend who gave me creeps as much as he did. I never even spoke two words to her. She then got herself knocked up and he married her. Big mistake. I hate her, she gives me the creeps to this day. And in the last 15 yrs I have said very little to her.
They have been separated and living with other people for a few yrs now.About a yr ago she just simply ran out of people to use and started calling me. I have told her not to call me, we are no longer related and therefor have no reason for contact. So Then why ,oh Why on Gods earth did she call me tonight to give her a ride somewhere tomorrow? I am not a Taxi.

And in the very same night , Bils new girlfriend calls me at 9:30 to pick her up from the ER because my bil is too drunk to come get her.Not sure how he was going to get her anyways, he can't drive. The state took his license when he wasn't even old enough to drink. I don't wanna be her friend either but by God I can't shake her. And before you think I am being insensitive, this is the 4th time in as little as 6 months she has called me late at night to get her from the ER. There is nothing wrong with this girl, she just uses the ER like a walk in clinic because she can. She is only 30 and claims to have had two heart attacks. Yet she has no regular doctor , has no prescriptions or diet to follow.
Oh she also told me she has cancer , yet in the last yr I have seen her take no meds nor see any doctors about any treatment. And she has had two miscarriages in the last yr.

Anyways if you have read this far, thanks. My point is that both dh and I have made it perfectly clear that we do not wish to have contact with the ex-sil and dh won't even speak to his brother. YET they just won't go away.... What on earth do I have to do?

**Lady_V** · 05-21-2008, 06:04 AM

Don't you wish there was a button on the phone to send electroshock to the caller???

Short of that, changing your number is an option, an inconvient one, but an option all the same.

Another easier option is the power of NO. When they call... No *click*

It can be a difficult dance when you are related to the person, but you are under no obligation to cater to the whim and needs of their 'friends'.

**Dancing Lotus** · 05-21-2008, 07:17 AM

Another easier option is the power of NO. When they call... No *click*

In theory that should work, but no. Trust me , these people either just don't get it or they just don't care. That might get rid of them that time but they will always come back..
We literally moved to get some distance and they followed us.

**Darlene** · 05-21-2008, 07:23 AM

Did you go get her? If you did, that's why they keep calling. Even if you didn't go get her you know too much about her "story" Don't listen to anything they say. If you listen, they have an audience.
Just say no and don't give in, ever. Never ever.
When they call and you recognize the voice, don't even let them get the sob story out, immediate no and hang up. All done with no guilt on your part what-so-ever.

**Dancing Lotus** · 05-21-2008, 07:34 AM

How do people have the heart to be that mean? I guess what I am asking is how do I toughen up without feeling like a heartless person.

And I have told her no plenty, but I guess she figures there is a 50% chance I might say yes.

The thing is if my ex-sil is calling me, I know she has no one else to call. She is scared to call and accidentally get dh on the phone.
She needs a ride today to see her new probation officer

( now do you see why I don't wanna know her ) If I don't take her , she can't go and if she doesn't go she will be put in Jail for violation. I would feel awful if she went to jail because I refused to give her a ride.

**Lady_V** · 05-21-2008, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by AnnK

If I don't take her , she can't go and if she doesn't go she will be put in Jail for violation. I would feel awful if she went to jail because I refused to give her a ride.

Wow... they spring probation check-ins at the last minute, leaving people scrambling at the last minute? ... Wait, no they don't... people know ahead of time when they are due in!!!

She broke the law. She got in trouble. She is on probation. She knew she had to go. She had time to plan transportation. She had time to call you and try to guilt you in to taking her. She had time to call a taxi. If she doesn't have the money for a taxi, I'm sorry, that's her problem. She had the money to support the reason she is ON probation in the first place, she can afford to keep her backside out of jail... isn't the saying "don't do the crime if you can't do the time'?

I don't view myself as 'mean' or 'cold hearted' but I do put my family first. I have a neighbor who has active warrants on her. She asked me for a ride to court. I said no. 1) I have to bring DD to school... 2) I don't know if she will be in my car 'riding dirty' (with drugs on her... my responsibility - my car). The LAST thing I want is to sit in a cell while they straighten things out.

If you get wrapped up in their problems, it takes its toll on you, your family and your sanity. It will stop being 'their problem' and become 'your problem' when you are sucked in too deep.

**Darlene** · 05-21-2008, 07:49 AM

You aren't being mean, you told them not to call & they could care less about your feelings. What you would be doing is called self preservation. They bring stress and unhappiness to your life and you don't need nor deserve that.
If they have noone in their life to help them it's because they made bad choices & need to change. You can't help them with that.
They know you have a kind heart and "use" you for it. They will continue to call you if you don't take a hard stand. Time for them to grow up and stand on their own 2 feet.
I know it's not easy, call it tough love if you want but you need to let them find their own way.

Edited to add that I've had to do this with my own family & had to "toughen" up my sis to do the same. She was like you, worried about other people's feelings. They aren't worried about yours and will somehow get by without you. Now she has peace in her life without these invaders bringing their drama into her life. It's OK to let go & let them be whatever they want to be. I told her only people who show you & yours love & respect deserve a place in your life. Life is too short & sweet for anything less.

**mom21ofeach** · 05-21-2008, 08:06 AM

Do you have caller ID? I just wouldn't answer if they called. You may have to start screening your calls. If a call comes from an unknown number, let the machine get it and call back if it's someone you want to talk to.

I agree with the person who said they keep calling because you keep going to get them. You have to stand firm no matter what the sob story.

**PrairieRose** · 05-21-2008, 08:20 AM

I absolutely echo what mom21ofeach says. I was gonna type that out myself.

Tell the important people in your life why you're screening your calls and then just do it. If you give her a ride today, make it clear that you won't be her taxi service anymore. She must learn to take care of herself. I know it's not easy.....but you have to do it or be stuck in this mess for.ev.er.

**Ceashels** · 05-21-2008, 08:23 AM

It sounds as if you have already used the "no" approach and they haven't gotten the message. I would use avoidance next and start screening my calls. If they don't get you on the phone in the first place there isn't the pressure on YOU to do their bidding when they "need" you. They will eventually stop calling your machine if they don't get anything out of it. (Unfortunately, they will continue to call you if they get to talk to you personally.)

**Dancing Lotus** · 05-21-2008, 08:29 AM

Don't hiss at me but I am going to give her a ride today. But only so I can tell her Face to Face I can not and will not help her again. I am going to look her in the Eye and tell her. I have never said it to her face before only on the phone. Then I might change my phone number to an unlisted number when I get home.

I just needed to read your supportive responses to build me up and give the courage to do what should have been done a long time ago. I feel like super woman now and I gotta go get her before my steam runs out. LOL

**Cricket1** · 05-21-2008, 08:52 AM

Ann--she would not wind up in jail because you won't give her a ride, she would wind up in jail because of her own stupidity and inability to plan.

I'm not hissing at you--believe me, we have "them" in my family, too. But, your word is your word. It won't matter to her if it was given over the phone or eye to eye, if you said "no" and "never" before and then you give her the ride, you're teaching her that you will eventually cave in and that next time, she'll just have to beg a little more and/or try a little harder.

Good luck and big hugs!

**carlitasway** · 05-21-2008, 09:23 AM

Ugh, what a pain. Sending you strength vibes. Good luck and hopefully she gets it this time. If you have caller id or voice mail screen your calls.

**Darlene** · 05-21-2008, 09:28 AM

Yep strength vibes from me too.
You deserve to have positive people in your life. Helping someone who really needs it is one thing but to help someone who only thinks of themselves and does nothing to change themselves or their situation is another.
You CAN do this!