Curfews?

[emily_hope]

My DD18, who will be 19 in 23 days, says I don't treat her like she's almost 19. Her curfew, up until she was 18, was midnight. Our town has a curfew of midnight for teens under 18. We were both fine with this. And pretty much, until the last month or two, we still were. Now, all of a sudden, she wants to just stay out and come home when she is ready. You know the story... "All my friends stay out. They don't have curfews." I'm not one to let my DDs do things just because their friends do it. And, truly, I don't have a problem with her being out late. All I ask is that she let me know where she is. Last night, we went to a DFriend of mine's sons graduation party. We left at 11:30 and she had to take a friend home. On our way home, I told DD17 to call her and tell her to be very careful that it was really foggy. She did and DD18 told her they were going to stop at McDonald's and get some food. (I couldn't see how they could be hungry, we just left a party full of food, but ok.) Now remember, this is at 11:30. At 1 AM, she wasn't home. I sent a text to her and she said they were just about to leave McDonald's. She still had to take her friend home. I was angry. I felt that she could have called and let me know they were gonna hang out at Mickey D's for awhile. I took it they were gonna grab some food and it might be 30 minutes, I mean it is FAST food. LOL. She didn't understand my anger. Mostly, it was worry releasing itself as anger. She is a good kid. She doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs. I just want to know she is safe and not have had an accident. Am I treating her like a little child?

[FrugalMomof3]

I dont think your treating her as a child in a "sense", because she IS your child. BUT I am the same way... my son will soon be 19 and he is home for 3 months from college, his curfew is 11:30pm on weekends and 10:30pm on weekdays, he does ok but complained to me yesterday about staying out longer during the week to 11:30, I told him I had to discuss this with his father.

I always say "Just because so-and-so's parents let him do that, dosent mean I will" I am not mean just protective and SO ARE YOU! With the crap happening all over the place these days, we are just being a parent, to them we are just meanies.

[lwlynch]

Mine is just 17 and is starting to want to go out and stuff. It is really hard. I know how bad it is out there, but she is a good kid. She has a habit of not giving me all the info. She has to call from place to place and keep in touch all times. And I believe as long as they live under my roof. They will be in by midnight, unless something special. If that is too tuff then so be it......

[Jamauk]

I remember, my curfew was midnight on the weekends/10 pm during the week.

...then I went to college. When I came home for the summer my mom wanted to impose the same curfew, but I had grown accostomed to no rules.

She always claimed that my curfew was because she couldn't sleep if I wasn't home & she didn't want to stay up half the night (9 times out of 10 she was sound asleep on the couch when I got home - even at curfew! )

Anyway, we compromised. If I was going to be out later than curfew (midnight), I had to call NO LATER than 11pm. If I missed the 11pm check in time, I had to meet curfew - no question about it. If i called, I was allowed some wiggle room - usually what I was doing/where I was determined my new curfew.

(and these were the days before cell phones!! )

[Frugal Nurse]

Moooooom!!!! you're not being fair!


Come on!. Listen.
One of the reasons teens get into accidents is to meet the curfew.
Please! She's EIGHTEEN! she's NOT a child!!!

You've raised her with a good head on her shoulders. She's NOT out partying. She's having clean fun.. just like people at her age should be doing. Creating memories.

You have no legal basis to put a curfew on her. She's an adult now. Treat her like one.

You may feel that.. 'as long as you're living in my house..... " thing... but that WILL drive her away. She needs to de-identify with the family. It's ALL part of growing up. You're not helping her to become the adult she should be by holding her back.

Although I do beleive she should respect the home and say when she'll be home.. or even if whe WILL be home. Remember, she's an adult now. (i was living on my own and paying rent at that age)

Of course this is coming from someone who said to each child at age 16.5 when it was car driving time.
"For the first 6 months you must come home for the curfew 9 pm on school nights, 12 on weekends. If you come home and show respect for the family by abiding by this for six months, you will then be able to set the time you will come home."

Yep that's radical and go ahead and call me a bad parent for it.. but this is what happened.

My children have maintained all the same friends throughout their childhood. I know the parents, I know where they go, I know what they do. So, why would I force them to hurry home for that curfew and potentially kill themselves and their friends in the process?

I feel as though I raised them with high standards. These are kids on the honor roll.

I taught them responsibility at a young age. I have a feeling you did too.

And yanno what! When they set their own time to be home.. it went like this.. (no fighting, no wars, no anxiety... PEACEFUL EXISTENCE among teens... imaging that concept!!) "I'm going out with Dave- we'll be going to the gym then to Bill's - I probably will be home around 1 or 2." And that's when he came home. Intact, drugfree and sober and wearing his seatbelt.

Today at age 18, 21, 21, They are ALL alive, enrolled in great colleges, 2 are living their own apartments (subsidized by me until they graduate), drugless (I'm sure they had a few hits though- I'm NOT naive), and have lots of memories that they all live to tell about.

What I am saying is... let go of the apron strings (and the texting!).
There's no need for it. She'll be just fine. If she needs you, she'll call you. And for goodness sakes! don't call her in the middle of her night out unless it's an emergency!! That's so embarassing!



Just my opinion. Don't hate me.

[LynnLC]

I second that Frugal Nurse!

[leezza]

I guess I am going against the majority on this one:

"She lives in your house, she lives by your rules, Period".

If she want to do her own thing and make her own rules she needs to move out and pay her own way!

JMHO,
leezza

[Frugal Nurse]

I guess I am going against the majority on this one:

"She lives in your house, she lives by your rules, Period".

If she want to do her own thing and make her own rules she needs to move out and pay her own way!

JMHO,
leezza

I think you went with the majority on that.
I went against the majority. and I'm sure I'll pay for it.

But I just want to make sure I understand something.
Does the daughter live there? Then it's her house too. It doesn't just belong to mom. It is home to all who live there.

Twenty three days shy of 19 years old is well.... an adult. I don't think anyone can argue that. Any psychology book (and Dr. Phil) will explain that this is the time the parent stops the parent-child relationship and enters into an adult-adult relationship where there is respect for each other.

DDalmost19 is an adult, she should be treated like one so that she can fly the nest. That's what parents do. Get their children ready to be on their own. Let's not coddle them. Get a move on now.

DDalmost19 is trying to tell her mother that she is ready to transition to the adult-adult relationship. It's okay to let her grow up. We're not dealing with a hormone-crazed-thirteen-year-old who needs that parent-child relationship to be maintained. We're talking about an adult.

Not giving an adult child the ability to be an adult .... is well.... I'll be nice and say... not doing them any favors.

However, as part of being an adult there are certain responsibilities that come with it. For instance, if you're not a FT student you pay room and board or move out, show respect for those in the house, do your share of the chores, let someone know where you are and when (if) you'll be home. Things like that.


hope I don't get eaten up. But I feel strongly that young adults/children shouldn't be coddled. It is how the GenY'ers got a bad name.

[jamie79]

I agree with FrugalNurse to a point. I think since you pay the bills then she needs to come in at a reasonable hour that is agreed upon by the both of you. Thats respectful.
I am going thru this right now with my 19 yr old son. He is home for the summer from his first yr of college. He has a job, he made deans list at college and doesnt drink or do drugs. He pretty much comes and goes with the point that he tells me hes going out with his friends and if he is going to be very late then he calls, out of respect to let me know.

[zakity]

I think that you two should have an agreement of when she should be in by.

She should also give you a rough idea of where she is going, who she might be with, what time she thinks she might get home, and what stops she thinks she will make along the way.

Our extended family has a "rule" that we always let the others know where we are going if we are going on a day trip or out of town. We let someone know when we might be back too. It is mainly so that no one will worry and to give them an idea of where to look if we don't come home. I think that is a rule that every family should have (hence the part where she should leave an idea of who, what, etc).

[emily_hope]

One of the reasons teens get into accidents is to meet the curfew.

I agree. I have two DDs. The other is 17. They've always called to let me know they were gonna be a little later, so that I wouldn't worry. And I've told them many times, just call, don't drive fast trying to get home. A girl a few years younger than me in school got killed in a car accident this way. So we have always had an understanding about this.

You've raised her with a good head on her shoulders. She's NOT out partying. She's having clean fun.. just like people at her age should be doing. Creating memories.

You may feel that.. 'as long as you're living in my house..... " thing... but that WILL drive her away. She needs to de-identify with the family. It's ALL part of growing up. You're not helping her to become the adult she should be by holding her back.

Although I do beleive she should respect the home and say when she'll be home.. or even if whe WILL be home. Remember, she's an adult now.

I agree. She does have a good head on her shoulders. And I trust her. I just want to know when to expect her home, or if she is staying the night with a friend, so I don't stay awake worrying about her.

My children have maintained all the same friends throughout their childhood. I know the parents, I know where they go, I know what they do. So, why would I force them to hurry home for that curfew and potentially kill themselves and their friends in the process?

I feel as though I raised them with high standards. These are kids on the honor roll.

I taught them responsibility at a young age. I have a feeling you did too.

And yanno what! When they set their own time to be home.. it went like this.. (no fighting, no wars, no anxiety... PEACEFUL EXISTENCE among teens... imaging that concept!!) "I'm going out with Dave- we'll be going to the gym then to Bill's - I probably will be home around 1 or 2." And that's when he came home. Intact, drugfree and sober and wearing his seatbelt.

My DDs have had the same friends throughout school also and I know most of the parents and where they go and what they do. I am thankful for this. What I would like is for her to say, "I'm going to so and so's house and we are going to a club and I'll be home around 1." When she says, "I'm taking so and so home", I assume she will be back shortly, not an hour and a half later. We just need to sit down and have a talk so that I understand where she is coming from and she understands my feelings.

Just my opinion. Don't hate me.

Would never hate you. I asked for opinions.

[emily_hope]

She always claimed that my curfew was because she couldn't sleep if I wasn't home & she didn't want to stay up half the night (9 times out of 10 she was sound asleep on the couch when I got home - even at curfew! )

I honestly do not sleep when they are out and I am expecting them home. LOL.

Anyway, we compromised. If I was going to be out later than curfew (midnight), I had to call NO LATER than 11pm. If I missed the 11pm check in time, I had to meet curfew - no question about it. If i called, I was allowed some wiggle room - usually what I was doing/where I was determined my new curfew.

(and these were the days before cell phones!! )

Sounds like you made a good compromise with your Mom.

[emily_hope]

I always say "Just because so-and-so's parents let him do that, dosent mean I will" I am not mean just protective and SO ARE YOU! With the crap happening all over the place these days, we are just being a parent, to them we are just meanies.

Just because so-and-so's parents let them has never been a good enough reason for me.

[emily_hope]

Does the daughter live there? Then it's her house too. It doesn't just belong to mom. It is home to all who live there.

Yes she lives at home.

DDalmost19 is trying to tell her mother that she is ready to transition to the adult-adult relationship. It's okay to let her grow up. We're not dealing with a hormone-crazed-thirteen-year-old who needs that parent-child relationship to be maintained. We're talking about an adult.

I was telling my DMother there was something different about her. My DMother said it was just a phase. Yes I guess it is. The phase in which she becomes a young woman. I guess I just needed someone to say that to me.

However, as part of being an adult there are certain responsibilities that come with it. For instance, if you're not a FT student you pay room and board or move out, show respect for those in the house, do your share of the chores, let someone know where you are and when (if) you'll be home. Things like that.

She is a FT student and has a PT job. Most of the time she does show respect for the rest of us. She does help me around the house. Some things she does without anyone asking, sometimes she needs to be prompted. I'm okay with that. And really what all this boils down to for me is that I want her to let me know where she is and when she will be home! If it's going to be 2 AM, just tell me.

[emily_hope]

And... sorry I've written so much.