Baby fever....a rant

[rachelMcK]

No not a baby with a fever...I'm just really wanting to start a family. My friends have all made this step, aparently I'm the only one left who hasn't. I've always wanted to be a mother but I don't feel like it will happen at all. Dh doesn't want to think of trying until he's 30 (he's 25 now). That would make me 29 and I don't want that. I always wanted to be a younger mom because I grew up with an older mom and it wasn't great. She couldn't relate to me at all. He's laid down some conditions, like we need $5000 saved, his student loans and some of mine paid off, I need my license (soo close to that) and we need to own a house. I don't see any of that happening within 5 years. I think its unrealistic. I'm on the pill, so he pretty much holds the cards, when he says I can go off them. I can't be deceptive and just stop taking them, that's wrong, but I don't think I should have to wait until he says hes ready. He might never be. Whenever we talk about it, he says soon but not right now. Ugh. Its just so frustrating. I just watch my friends with all the happiness they so richly deserve, when's my turn??

Sorry for the rant...do you guys have any advice? i'm not too sure what to think...

thanks

[Rosebush3]

"Dh doesn't want to think of trying until he's 30 (he's 25 now)."

25 is still young and he can change a LOT in the next five years. Just because he said he doesn't want to consider it until he's 30 doesn't mean that is set in stone, he may well change his mind.


"That would make me 29 and I don't want that. I always wanted to be a younger mom because I grew up with an older mom and it wasn't great. She couldn't relate to me at all."

I was 25 when I had my son, 31 when I had my daughter. How you relate to your children has little to do with your age, seriously. You can be young and completely out of touch. Not a lot of benefit from being a few years younger, however- being a few years older is better. IMO. You do a LOT of growing up in your 20's. You think teens think they know it all? Those in their 20's are the same in that respect but get to go out and 'prove it'. How your mother raised you doesn't dictate the parent you will be. That is your call.


"He's laid down some conditions"

I don't think they are unreasonable, and maybe his way of ensuring that the topic doesn't come up for a while as a reality. On the other hand, if we all waited until 'we can afford them', many people would still be childless.


"but I don't think I should have to wait until he says hes ready. "

yes, you do. If the tables were turned and it were you who were not ready, how would you feel if he said it wasn't fair for you to make him wait to be a father? Forcing him into parenthood when he isn't ready is asking for trouble. Something like this should have been discussed prior to marriage, it is important.

Twice in the post you mentioned having kids because your friends are.

"My friends have all made this step, aparently I'm the only one left who hasn't."

"I just watch my friends with all the happiness they so richly deserve, when's my turn??"

When you have children should have nothing to do with when your friends have them. Please don't think I am saying I think you only want them because your friends do, I am not trying to say that.

I wish you both the best and hope everything turns out well in its time.

[santoria]

if we would have waited for all the savings etc...we still wouldn't have kids.

ask him if he wants to be able to chase his kids around, still be the cool dad in his early 40-50s at grad.

I dunno...

good luck!

(oh, I'm 30 turning 31, dh is 33)

[McD]

Zac and I are discussing having another. I want another baby really bad but Zac doesn't want to. The reasoning he gave is complete crap and I could understand ANY reason but the one he gave me...... sigh.

No advice. Just hugs.

[Frugal Nurse]

So.. wow!

I was going to say... It always seemd like it was never the right time to have a baby. Yet, when the baby came... it was the perfect time.

I agree with Rosebush.
You need both on board.

29 is not old these days.

You will be more mature and handle the children better the older you get.

Your husband is a wise man. He knows he wants children - he knows he wants to feel secure about it.
Wise man.

You've married a wise man.

[Momto2Boyz]

This is tough. And I know how you feel. I have 2 now, and DH and I really want a third, but it's just not gonna happen. It's just not the "right" thing for our family, etc.

But trust me, I know how hard the baby fever thing can be!

Our nieghbors just had a baby and they are in their early 30's, and I'll tell ay, they are just as enthusiastic about playing with her as we were in our early 20's.

I had my first when I was 21 and my second when I was 24. And let me tell ya, we did have some rough times financially. We had planned on waiting until our late 20's to start our family, we wanted some money put away and we wanted to buy a house first. And well, that didn't happen. But by the time our oldest one was about 18 months, we were buying a house and had money stashed.

So, it can be done, even if you do things "out of order". My advice to you is just to sit down and talk about it. Make sure he knows how important it is to you right now, and try to make sure he understands your reasonings.

Hang in there, you'll cure that baby fever eventually, one way or another. And when you do have kid's, it'll be the right time, no matter where you are in life!

[The Muse]

Do you really want a baby now, when you DH has clearly told you that he's not ready? What's the hurry? I could understand your frustration if he said "no kids, ever" and you really wanted them, but he hasn't said that.

Your husband sounds like a wise man. Instead of putting your energy into ranting about wanting kids now, why not put that energy into achieving the pre-baby goals your DH has set? It seems like you're already declaring defeat because you can't have what you want when you want it.

[JanieD]

DH & I discussed children before we married & agree to wait several years (3 or so) to get settled, then have children. We married young & have still time, but things changed for us. No door is ever completely closed & we openly discuss our decision (not to have children) to make sure it still feels right for us.

My point is that you both need to be on the same page. It can be done without all the piece in place, but wouldn't it help to have your DH on board. There will be many issues/responibilities that come along with just being married. Now is the time to strengthen your relationship through communication & compromise before the kids come along. Please work through this together to reach a decision you're both happy with.

[itlw8]

My mom was 40 when she had my youngest sister and they related very well age has nothing to do with it.

We had our 1st when I was 23 I was sure we were ready We did fine but really a few more years as a couple would not have been bad I see my sister who started her family at 29 and they were so much more ready than we were.

Everyone is different

[Darlene]

I'd work towards paying off some of that debt, getting that license and then revisit the topic with him. All those are positive things to do and things you want to do anyways.

[itsahumanzoo]

See, for me it was kind of the opposite situation. After we had our first, DH wanted to have the next one by the time DS turned two. I told him no way, I was not ready to have two little ones, and I couldn't do it that close together. I actually wanted to have a bit more savings, and possibly have our foot in the door to owning a house. While none of that happened, I did hold out an extra year, so this one will be born a little before DS turns 3.

So his mind may change, you never know!

[danimarie0820]

I know how you feel! I had baby fever bad for awhile and Brandon told me he never wanted children. It crushed my heart because I am big into family. I'd rather have a family than a huge house, new car, etc. Now that we are getting ready to buy a home and all of our finances are in order he told me he is finally ready and we are going to wait at least a year and a half. I know it is so hard and I give you props for not "forgetting" your pill. I know many girls who have done that and it is awful! Good luck with everything and hang in there!

[Marie78]

I can relate. I just turned 30 years old, and I get "baby fever" every now and again. My friends and I call it "baby rabies." Those moments come and go for me, I see many of my friends married, buying homes, and having babies. My fiance and I haven't made a decision yet on kids. Some days I think I want them and then I don't. My fiance definitely doesn't want any children yet, and I respect his opinion. I know he will want kids someday, we'll just wait until the moment is right for both of us.

29 isn't that old to have a baby, I'm 30 and won't have any for at least a few years. I always wanted to be a "young" mom too and I am glad now at 30 years old that I haven't had children yet, I think I will still be young at heart and I find I have more wisdom and patience as I grow older. I want to offer my future children the best possible me.

[rachelMcK]

Ok, so I was a little upset yesterday and forgot to mention somethings. Now I know that its completely dishonest, and really disgusting, to decieve your partner into having a child. I've seen it done. Its never good. But the thought will enter my mind, and then I push it away. I know I have to wait for him. I do. But the problem lies in this. He tells me, wait, but when other people, ie the inlaws, ask when, he says never, that he hates kids, doesn't ever want them. He later tells me he was "just joking". Is he trying to save face with me? how does he really feel? The whole reason that it upsets me is that I have absolutley no idea and zero control of the situation. I should also add that I have had 2 miscarriages. Yes, they were when I was much younger, but when you go through that, they idea of being a mom is still there. I do understand that affect that children have on relationships, on income etc. and I am willing to meet all his conditions, I'll have to anyway. He grew up experiencing a full childhood. I lost my childhood before I could claim it (no details though). As selfish as it sounds, I'd like to live vicariously through my child, live my childhood through them. Its something I've always wanted.
I just wanted to clear that up because I realize, I sounded like a whiney immature little girl in my OP. I don't want children because my friends have them, I have my own reasons and friends have nothing to do with it. Simply, I see my friends with their babies and I'm reminded of what I've always wanted.

[Jamauk]

I would talk to DH about your feelings and the fact that you feel he's giving out mixed signals. He may just be uncomfortable when family starts nagging him about babies - so he blows them off with his "jokes".

Gently let him know that you just need to know 100% where he stands and ask if he would be willing to have a written plan (pay x bill off by such and such date, have this much savings by this date, go off pill by this date, etc...)

You need to understand that writing out your goals doesn't set them in stone, and you may need to be flexible, but it gives life to your goals and doing this helps me stay focused. I have a list taped to the inside of a kitchen cabinet and everytime I feel like I'm missing out (new furniture, new clothes, etc...) I open the that cabinet door remember why we're doing what we're doing now...