How well do you "fit in" w/ your inlaws?

[dancar3]

Ok, let me first start off saying I don't want this to be a poor me thread I really do want to hear from others about their own situations. I have 1 set of inlaws (2 in total)that I just have never really felt like I fit in w/ them and it makes me sad. My dh and I have lived away from family for about 8 years when he got out of the military and was offered a job in his parent's home state........mine live about 18 hours from here. Anyway, we've been living here for 10 years and you'd think by now I would feel comfortable around them, but most of the time I don't. I know a big part comes from just not feeling welcomed most of the time......maybe it's my imagination but I really don't think so. This family has 2 daughters (dh's sisters, they're half but were brought up pretty much altogether) that are a little younger than me and my inlaws lives are completely devoted to them and their lives even though they are out on their own married w/ kids. They are super close w/ is great (the daughters are over there pretty much everyday), but when we are all together, it's all about them and I just feel like they have no interest in our lives at all. It is sad for me and I know dh feels the same at times but tries to put it out of his mind. For me it's particularly tough because all my sisters, parents, and the rest of the relatives live so far away and I see them every 2 years or so, but my dad (mom has trouble travelling) comes down for a visit every year. I miss that stuff that I see them doing w/ each other and it is a reminder of what I won't have from now on. Moving closer is out of the question. I try to make the best of it because of our kids, I want them to know their grandparents even though it's pretty clear how their daughter's children run the show around there. Our kids are older and theirs are really little so I realize it's that cuteness factor. I do my best in keeping up w/ the conversations and do try to talk about what we do. If they were mean hateful people, I could easily stay away from them, but they are fun and are pretty good w/ the kids. Please don't suggest talking w/ them because that won't help.......dh has done it already. So this is basically what we are dealing w/ and like I said it is so hard when we are with them but at the same token, what would the kids really have if we stayed away. As it is, even though we live within a few miles of each other, we only get together every few months or so........like I said, they are completely absorbed in their daughters' lives......that's another story though! Yes, I wish it was different and they made us feel more welcomed but it is what it is and we've accepted that. I guess I'm not really looking for advice since we've already done all that we could, but I would like to know how are your relationships are with your inlaws? Does anyone experience anything like this? I want to thank you in advance for reading all this since I didn't realize it was going to be so long when I started writing!

[MommyBliss]

Aw, sweetie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. My husband's parents are the ones we do the most with, but I give them a lot of credit, they come down to visit us, they are very involved with the kids. My Mom has chosen not to be, so it leaves me feeling like a 5th wheel when we get together with my inlaws, because I feel everything revolves around my hubby and the kids. Though lately, I think they try to take more of an interest in me.

For years I felt like everything revolved around SIL and her son and husband. About the time we moved and just decided to stop trying so hard things changed. We have 4 kids and one is a toddler, it had been a long time since my inlaws had to deal with a little one like that, being that our nephew is now almost 13/14. Our kids are 9,7,6, and 3. I also know that my SIL is very close to her parents and my hubby kind of took a step back from being close to them.

I hope things do get better for you.

[Darlene]

Sorry you don't have your family closer.
It sounds as though his family do care for you. Do you think some of it is how you perceive them or maybe you yourself feeling somehow not good enough? Maybe if on your next visit you didn't think of anything being negative and just go with the attitude that it's just spending time together and not have any expectations.
When I married Jack I felt not quite as good as "them" because I didn't have all the education they did or come from a "normal" family. Once I finally let go of all that and realized that I was special and important in my own right things were fine. I did have things to talk about & knew many things they didn't, lol.
Don't know how my first paragraph "sounds" but I hope my second explains it.
Maybe cultivating other relationships old & young outside the family will enrich your own and become like family.
Wishing you my best.

[favesis37]

i fit in pretty well, we live next door to dsil and we spend alot of time together

[Momto2Boyz]

It sounds like we have much the same issues! DH has two sisters, and I tried to get close to them, but to no avail. In-laws lives revolve around the girls and so we get little to no attention, and the gets get stiffed on attention too.

When DH and I first got married, my in-laws were fine. Then DH had a "falling out" with my Dad (my Dad's issue, but they've worked it out since then), and as soon as my Dad was a jerk to their son, they totally turned on me.

I have just given up on having any type of relationship with them. They get to see the kid's when they want (which isn't very often) they are about 4 hours away, so we only see them a couple of times a year, which is fine with me.

It's not that I don't like them, I just don't agree with a LOT of aspects of their lifestyle. They feel that showing love is through expensive gifts, and things, which we don't believe in. I think I hurt my MIL's feelings when I asked her to stop buying gifts for the kids every single time she came to visit. (I was nice about it, but I still think it hurt her feelings).

The way I see it is this: You can't change other people and their actions. You can simple control your reaction to it. I have since resolved not to get worked up when she makes off-handed comments, I just don't let it bother me. It actually has done wonders for our relationship. She thinks she is getting in a "dig" at me... but it can't be an insult if it falls on deaf ears, right?

I hope you guys work out a situation that is best for everyone. Just try not to stress on it, and worry about it. You can't change 'em.

[freebs]

I havent ever gotten along that well with my inlaws. Dh and I have been married 17 years. We have lived away from them for 5.5 years now and they just came to visit a few weeks ago. I did my best to stay away from them and just let dh and the kids spend time with them. When dh and i first had kids they threatened to call cps to get them taken away, this happened more than once so i was so glad to move FAR away from them. Now my MIL is very ill and i guess i have a hard time really caring.

[baxjul]

The only person we have living down here is FIL, and I try to avoid him. My MIL lives in PA, she is okay... My SIL's and BIL, are okay, but make sure that I don't fit in too well.

[iida]

My inlaws actually hate me. They are very odd. My DH is their only child and our kids are their only grandchildren. Still, they never ask about them if they meet DH. They know I have cancer, yet they never ask how I am doing. We live quite close to them, only five kilometers away, but they haven´t seen me or our kids for over a year now. About a month ago my Dh called them and said that we were going for a walk and would it be okay to visit them just briefley. My DH was welcome but I wasn´t. So we didn´t go and DH hasn´t talked to them since.
They put money to our kids accounts though. 20€ each month and 200€ for Xmas and birthdays.

We are very close to my parents and brothers ,and we meet my aunts and uncles and cousins who live 200 km away from us more often than we meet my DHs parents.

I wish things were not this way, but I really can´t help it.

[geckoace]

my ILs were initially very rude to me (i will not get into it) it has gotten better but we can never really be close.

my DHs family is odd and his moms life tends to revolve around my SIL who likes to start trouble so even though she lives literally around the corner we dont see my MIL that much, we spend more time with my family

[Starlight9803]

I'm lucky in that I get along well with my in-laws. They have their fights and tantrums, but Dh and I just stay out of it and watch the drama from the sidelines. They always pull together at the end. Unfortunately, it's my family (except for my grandparents that raised me) that we just can't be around.

[FrugalWitch]

My first set of inlaws were the best! They treated me as if I were their own child, and I loved them dearly. I was the primary caregiver to both of them until they died.

My current set of in-laws: I loved my FIL, he died 2 years ago, I loved his wife (my step-MIL?). She returned to Thailand after FIL's death, I love her and miss her.

My MIL is proof that Evil Never Dies. I am the only DIL she has never slapped. Does that tell you something?

She has been warned that I have an extremely explosive temper when provoked and that anyone slapping me will not need an ambulance, but the Coroner's wagon. So far she's not pushed her luck. (If I ever correspond from jail ya'll will know the old b!tch had it coming.)

MIL runs everyone else's business (except mine), she made both of her ex-husband's wives miserable, three of her four sons hates her, (DH included). I'll stop there before I get myself too worked up.

I'm just glad that she heartily dislikes me (because she can't push me around) and lives in a different state.

[Frugal Nurse]

Yikes-
I was going to go with what Darlene said... and what momto2boyz said. (btw.. look at her avatar... doesn't it look like she's intent and really listening to you? Imagine yourself as you sit there and tell her your story. She looks like she's enjoying the conversation too.. and she has words of wisdom- love that Sarah!)

I wonder if you are projecting your feelings and you think that it is they that are distant.

It happens. It may just be one of those back and forth things. Yes, it's been ten years.. but don't forget - they're reading you too and probably feeling like you don't like them. So they don't open up - then you read that and don't warm up and they read that and you read this and back and forth it goes.
>>>FF ten years: Family thinks you hate them. LOL

So.. read and think positive things. This is super hard to do. But it's super easy to trick the brain.

Start saying things like
I love your parents
I love your SIL
Wasn't that so nice of SIL to give her kids a kiss and a hug like that! We're getting deperate here.



When ever a negative thought creeps into your brain.. replace it with a positive one. Can't think of ANYTHING positive? Are you sure? If you must write a list of positive things about your in-laws. Refer to them in memory when you need it.

You will see a dramatic change. Report back.

[magnolia]

I have some of the same issues as you do with my inlaws. They are nice people and I get along well with them, but it seems to me that MIL cares much more about her daughters' kids than her sons' kids. The females in that family are very cliqueish and if you happen to be a wife or a child of one of the sons, you are just not as important and not included in all the fun outings and such that the women of the family and their children do.

Heh. Funny you should post about this as my SIL (husband's brother's wife) and I were just discussing this very thing the other day. We have known each other for almost 20 years and the subject has never come up before.

I guess maybe that could be a whole other thread... "Are most mothers closer to their daughters' children than to their sons' children?" Seems to be a common thing....

[zakity]

Well, I love my in-laws. Well, the ones we see. DH's parents passed away already. DH has a sister and a brother that he never sees (their choice, not ours). But, the brother that he does see, is great. They are more like friends than brothers. They go do things together all the time. In fact, they went out to breakfast on Father's Day.

He has an Aunt and Uncle and Grandpa that we go down to see at Thanksgiving every year. We have a blast down there. We look forward to the trip every year. We had planned a vacation to go see them this summer, but, with the price of gas, that got canceled.


Now, DH's in-laws (my family):

When DH finally met my parents, I was informed by him that his children were not allowed to be left alone in a room with them. I totally agreed with him, but I loved the "his children" part.

My grandmother and sister, well, let's put it this way, I am the black sheep. Whatever I do is wrong, no matter what it is (even if it is the right thing to do). He hates it that they can't accept me for who I am and our choice in lifestyles. Apparently, having a simple, frugal, homeschooling lifestyle is a bad choice.

Oh yeah, side note:
My sister has two boys and I have three boys. Sis's youngest is a total brat. No one wants to be around him, even her. My three boys are polite, mannerly, helpful, and courteous. And, I am the bad parent... (You just have to giggle over things sometimes.)

You know, some people just have issues. Someone else (don't know which previous poster) said it well, that you can't change their reaction, but you can change how you react to them. I chose a long time ago to not let my family bug me, that is just how they are and I can't change them. I changed my reaction to them (I just don't care what they think anymore, DH has never cared what they thought). It has done wonders for our relationship. I go there and they can say whatever they want. I just sort of do the "yeah, sure" or "noted" and then go do what I want.

[Iansmommy]

We don't get along with inlaws (dh parents) at all.. We haven't seen them in over a year. They refused to come see DS when he was born last August and they still haven't seen him. We called and invited them 3 times. We pretty much have no relationship at this point with inlaws and from what DH says, he doesn't want to see them again.