he never wants children?

**kellydoeshair** · 06-19-2008, 08:12 AM

alright
this is going to be long, you might want a snack
*BIG BREATH*
alright
so friday, not quite a week ago, dh is acting funny
I kept asking him what was wrong and to talk to me about it
so with little to no ceremony he basically blurts out that he never EVER want kids
and never has, he holds NO affection for children at all...
he told me it was something he said... to make me "happy" so I wouldn't leave him
this has rocked my whole world in the worst possible way
those of you who know me know that being a mom is the ONLY thing I HAVE to do with my life
it's the ONLY thing he could ever say to me that I couldn't deal with
if it was cheating
or if he spent 50k behind my back
or goodness knows what else
I could DEAL with that
and I know that a lot of you here have a lot of faith
I unfortunately am not religious except in a very different way
so prayer will not work for me to work through this
if I thought he would be over this in 5-10 years
I'd be alright
upset, but alright
and I KNOW that he's AFRAID of kids, which to me suggests that if he is THAT afraid, there has to be some desire there, no matter how small... or else the fear wouldn't mean anything to him
but what I'm afraid of is
what if I stick around 10 years waiting for him to get over it
when he LIED to me about it
KNOWING how incredibly important it was to me
but anyways.... if I stick around 10 years *till I"m 34* and he hasn't gotten past the fear, based on my family history, I may only have another 3-4 years to have children as my mom, aunts and grandmother all started to go through "the change" at about 37-38
I hope this doesn't sound as horrible as I think it does
but I feel TOTALLY betrayed
we were planning *for about a year and a half* to start trying to have a family in january, so only 6 more months and then THIS
I was insanely broken and depressed for a few days, but now, I"m just angry
he KNOWS I would have never gotten married if I knew he didn't want them.... so he just lied, and in that respect, I feel like in a way he stole four years from me
I tried so many times to "give him an out" to tell me, without consequences the truth
the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach
and I never EVER thought that I'd be in this position
he totally mislead me
because he knows what would have happened
and now it has happened, and it's a MILLION times worse
it would be SOOOOO different had we started trying and he was physically unable
so much different
but it's the lie that is killing me
I feel like he's taking from me, everything I've ever wanted
everyone is telling me to "not rush into" anything
but I feel like I'd be lying to myself if I thought there was any way, even with counseling to get through this
for me, it would have even been different if he had wanted them, but then changed his mind, idk
it sounds so horrible
but I just don't know I'm soo upset and I wish there was just a straightforward way to deal with this
but there isn't
I'm heartbroken
betrayed
and so very angry
and more than anything I just wish he had been honest with me four years ago before we got engaged....
alright, I'm done...

**Darlene** · 06-19-2008, 08:20 AM

I am so sorry Kelly. What he did wasn't right at all and in legal terms it's fraud.
I am so sorry you have been betrayed and hurt. I want to say more but I think you know what options you have and are going to think long and hard on what to do about it.
Sending you a heartfelt hug.

**TheRootedNomad** · 06-19-2008, 08:21 AM

I'm so sorry

Betrayal by your partener, spouse, lover, of any kind is always the one that tears us up. Don't rush into anything but this is one where you need to make a definate choice. I don't think you can stay with hopes he'll change. How bitter will you be when/if he doesn't??? If you stay, you have to stay accepting his views as he is now.

**kellydoeshair** · 06-19-2008, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by TheRootedNomad

I'm so sorry

Betrayal by your partener, spouse, lover, of any kind is always the one that tears us up. Don't rush into anything but this is one where you need to make a definate choice. I don't think you can stay with hopes he'll change. How bitter will you be when/if he doesn't??? If you stay, you have to stay accepting his views as he is now.

that's how I feel
I'm pretty sure I could GUILT him into kids
but that's not what I want
he might turn out to be a crappy father
it's just not good enough
he said he was on BOARD and excited/ nervous
and I don't feel like I can accept anything less than that

**Darlene** · 06-19-2008, 08:28 AM

What you just said Kelly was very well said. You shouldn't have to settle.

**Jeanna** · 06-19-2008, 08:34 AM

I really can't endorse divorce but I think this is something that is a make or break. Did you and your husband discuss this before marriage? If so then I agree that he misled you. I think that you are right to want children and he is just self centered and only thinking about himself. Of course he is still young so he could change, but again that brings the question of how long you are welling to wait. You are in a very hard position and unfortunately only you can decide what is right for you. Just know that we are here for a shoulder to lean on when and if you decide to end it. Good Luck and even though you are not religious --God Bless and Keep you.

**TheRootedNomad** · 06-19-2008, 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by Darlene

What you just said Kelly was very well said. You shouldn't have to settle.

Well said.

Just an odd fact, not given from a religious perspective just a - even this conservative large group thinks-....The Catholic Church will give annullments for this easier than almost anything else. By getting married and committing to each other they are committing to "be fruitfull and multiply". If that is what you choose not to do then they'll annull it as if it never happened.

**MirandaK** · 06-19-2008, 08:37 AM

I agree!! You deserve to have children with someone who is as excited about it as you are! Not a situation where one partner has to be guilted. *hugs* I honestly cannot imagine what you are going through right now. CBG and I are planning to start trying in a few months and if he sprung this on me know, I'd be ill...just disgusted and shocked and overwhelmed.

Whatever you decide to do, you know you have a place here to come and vent. *hugs*

**Lady_V** · 06-19-2008, 08:38 AM

Kelly,

In a way I do know what you are going through... no matter how many jobs I had, or years spent in college... I was meant to be a Mom. The thought of living my life childless was just too hard to handle. We adopted DD, but that is another story for another time.

My ex said he 'wanted' kids when people asked, but when it came time for him to take certain measures to help with the infertility treatments... he didn't want any. He agreed to smile and nod when needed during the adoption... he said it was the least he could do for me since he didn't want/wouldn't have children (fast forward 7 years... he LIVES for her).

He was afraid to have children. He is an only child and has had his parents attention... he didn't want to NOT be the center of attention anymore. His parents have a habit of tossing money at problems in hopes they go away. His father paid for him to go to baseball camp when all he really wanted was for his father to play catch with him. "Familia" was foreign to that family... they are coming around now, I've had 12 years to show them, with additional help from DD for the last 7.

Maybe there is a reason he is afraid to want children? Lack of funds? Job security? Hereditary diseases? Did his mom have a lot of miscarriages? Maybe, like my ex, he just doesn't know if he can handle not being the center of the universe anymore.

No one can tell you the answers, we can only sit on the side-lines and hope you make the best decision for you.

Try asking him why he doesn't want them and go from there.

**nuisance26** · 06-19-2008, 08:39 AM

~Oh that's just awful. I'm so very sorry. I really really think you both need to book some time with a therapist. You need to talk this out with someone to moderate the discussion. And to be very candid, I think your dh needs to see a psychiatrist. Not wanting children ever isn't always an indication of a psychological problem but lying about it in such an extreme way is.~

**kellydoeshair** · 06-19-2008, 08:41 AM

Originally Posted by Jeanna

I really can't endorse divorce but I think this is something that is a make or break. Did you and your husband discuss this before marriage? If so then I agree that he misled you. I think that you are right to want children and he is just self centered and only thinking about himself. Of course he is still young so he could change, but again that brings the question of how long you are welling to wait. You are in a very hard position and unfortunately only you can decide what is right for you. Just know that we are here for a shoulder to lean on when and if you decide to end it. Good Luck and even though you are not religious --God Bless and Keep you.

I know
divorce just
seriously like I feel like I'm going to get sick RIGHT NOW
but if someone had told me I'd even be remotely considering it a week ago
I'd have slapped them in the face
I feel like SO MANY TIMES
people give up so easily
but I don't see this ever coming to a happy resolution
or even an amicable one
like I said in my original post
I'm terrified to just wait around ten years to see what happens
because if at that time he's still not having it
then I may only have a few years left...
it's soo scary

**kellydoeshair** · 06-19-2008, 08:45 AM

Originally Posted by Lady_V

Kelly,

In a way I do know what you are going through... no matter how many jobs I had, or years spent in college... I was meant to be a Mom. The thought of living my life childless was just too hard to handle. We adopted DD, but that is another story for another time.

My ex said he 'wanted' kids when people asked, but when it came time for him to take certain measures to help with the infertility treatments... he didn't want any. He agreed to smile and nod when needed during the adoption... he said it was the least he could do for me since he didn't want/wouldn't have children (fast forward 7 years... he LIVES for her).

He was afraid to have children. He is an only child and has had his parents attention... he didn't want to NOT be the center of attention anymore. His parents have a habit of tossing money at problems in hopes they go away. His father paid for him to go to baseball camp when all he really wanted was for his father to play catch with him. "Familia" was foreign to that family... they are coming around now, I've had 12 years to show them, with additional help from DD for the last 7.

Maybe there is a reason he is afraid to want children? Lack of funds? Job security? Hereditary diseases? Did his mom have a lot of miscarriages? Maybe, like my ex, he just doesn't know if he can handle not being the center of the universe anymore.

No one can tell you the answers, we can only sit on the side-lines and hope you make the best decision for you.

Try asking him why he doesn't want them and go from there.

he fears EVERY part of parenthood
job security
miscarriages
health problems
he has even thought up and feared every possible thing that could happen with a kid
ei what if the kid at 16 gets in a car with some kids who have been drinking
he also fears that addiction runs in both of our families etc
I mean EVERYTHING you can think of
he's afraid of
I want to go to counseling
but he's SOOOO afraid to talk about his feelings
the last discussion we had about it he was laying in bed having cold sweats...

**VanVivCam** · 06-19-2008, 08:48 AM

kelly...that sucks and I am soooo sorry you are going thru this. i was told by my dh that he didn't want to have any more children. although we do have one, it still hurts and is disappointing.

will be thinking about you

**Russ** · 06-19-2008, 08:50 AM

He needs to read this:

**nuisance26** · 06-19-2008, 08:52 AM

~Kelly, I really urge you to try to remove your feelings from the situation for just a second and try to view your dh as sick. I don't know what you vowed to when you married but love in itself demands that you view someone else's needs above your own. He knows how important this issue is to you and if you know he loves you he had no reason to tell you this so bluntly unless he was crying out loudly for help. Of course, if it turns out he's unwilling to be helped and not really 'sick', you can be sure he doesn't actually love you the way a life partner should. That's when you should start to consider divorce. Right now you are in shock and it's not a great time to make a decision that will unravel years of other decisions.((((Hugs))))~