Need Advice

[Preston]

I need advice and I don't really have someone I can really confide in about this so I figure that no one I know too well is on this forum so here goes.

I'm kinda in a big rut in my marriage right now.

There is no passion between my wife and I and it's to the point that we're just roommates anymore. I've tried to bring the spark back but she is unresponsive. It's been this way for a while.

Let's start with the basics. We work four days a week and we're off 3. In those three days she sleeps through AT LEAST an entire day. I try to get her up to do thing but she's stayed up all night on the computer. She gets her schedule all messed up by it for the work week. Often times I am dragging her to work to get her there on time because she's so addicted to the internet. I have considered cutting the connection but I use it for online banking and a few other things.

Whenever she is not on the computer, She is either waiting to use it right next to me or keeps lurking around asking me when I am going to get off of it.

When she is not on the 'net she sleeps through everything and doesn't do anything around the house. NOTHING. I was sick for a few weeks earlier this year and she was too lazy to do any dishes to the point that we ran out. She complained about it but did nothing. I am obviously very frustrated about this.

The apartment we live in is a mess. I am not free of fault, but consdiering I am the ONLY one who cleans the apartment, does dishes, cleans up the cat's litter box, takes the trash out, etc. SHE HAS DONE NEXT TO NOTHING FOR A LONG LONG TIME!

To further complicate things I KNOW she has a crush on someone at work. I don't know if the feeling is mutual but I have found some evidence (i.e. the 'daniel' play list on her i-pod filled with love songs)

I have recently made some major lifestyle changes. I am eating nearly vegetarian, I bike a lot and bike to and from work at least once a week (28 mile round trip.)

Since I am enjoying losing weight and getting fresh air I suggested she start coming with me. She told me it 'wasn't her thing.'

It's so bad that yesterday she was asleep I went for a 3.5 hour bike ride and she was still asleep when I went home. She had a denist appointment she needed to get ready for. I woke her up 3 hours in advance. I told her I would appreciate it if she'd walk (since she needs to be more active and to save on gas.) The dentist office is a half mile down the road.

I went to the store and came back a little over an hour later. She was on the internet. To make a long story short. She DROVE to the denist and WAS LATE.

I do not feel attracted to her anymore because she is putting no effort into our relationship but we are in debt and the last thing I want right now is more problems. Every time I try to confront her about issues she tries to pin stuff on me. Even if it's something I did in the past that I haven't done for a long time.

I do not want to cheat as I did make a vow to her but I am growing increasingly frustrated. Let's just say if I wanted to I would have a few options but I'm pretty set on staying faithful but I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't mean to be one to air my dirty laundry, but I'm down to the point of not knowing what to do anymore.

[Momto2Boyz]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. DH and I had a "lackluster" marriage at one point too. It was after having 2 kids and we just lost the spark. Honestly, it took some work on both of our parts to get our marriage back on track. We both realized that it took maintenance and effort to keep a marriage healthy and it really did take effort from both of us.

The only advice I can give you is to try to talk to her. I know it is hard, especially, if you don't feel close to her anymore, but talking is the first step in any direction in this situation. Make sure she understands that you are serious, and tell her much of what you told us here. Don't go in swinging...you don't want her to feel attacked. Tell her that you know the problems are mutual (as you said above), and that you'd like to seriously talk about some of the issues you have calmly and openly and hopefully you will get a response. It was the start for us. Once we talked about it, we were really able to identify where the problems were coming from in our marriage and we were able to fix some of them.

I hope things work out for you in the end!

[staciah]

So Sorry to hear about the troubles in your life. Marriage is tough and full of compromise. It sounds like she doesn't want to compromise. How long have you been married?

I am no expert. I have only been married for 9 years. I can relate to some as far as the spark, it's just not like it used to be. Sometimes I too feel like roommates with my DH. He has a very busy job but we do spend alot of time together when he isn't working. We enjoy the same things.

You talked about shutting down the net. How about you do that and you use the library for your Internet needs or spend a little on your self and get a laptop for yourself ( little expensive I know)

It sounds to me that she has already given up your marriage. I would really talk to her about what is going on between you two. I would tell her exactly what you said here. Tell her but don't complain to her. Sit her down and tell you two have to have a talk. Suggest a marriage counselor, if she refuses than that is your answer. You may want to separate for alittle while if she is unwilling to work on it with you.

I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us posted and how things are going.
Best wishes to you.

Stacia

[Russ]

Maybe she's up late talking to "someone at work" on the PC via chat rooms. Check the history. Or just stay up one night with her and see where she's surfing.

I would "cut the cord" for a week and see what happens. In other words.."FIX" the computer so it isn't able to connect to the internet.

[earthymom]

Sounds like you could use some expert advice (marriage counselor).

Has your wife always been uninterested in doing things with you or is this a recent development? The sleeping all day and staying up all night? Did this behavior come on all of a sudden or gradually? Do you think your wife might be "depressed"?

I congratulate you for making such positive changes in your own life-style and in expanding your interests and hobbies. It can be very difficult for spouses to recognise/understand when the other is "growing"/changing. Couple don't always grow together or in the same direction. Counselling may help you work some of this out.

Write a list of all the things you love(ed) about your wife when you were dating and first married. Then write a list of what has changed about both of you.

But the bottom line IMO is you both deserve to live a "happy" life in a stable and loving relationship. I hope the two of you can work it out.

[suki]

She sounds like she's suffering from depression. It can be debilitating and make a person not really care about much at all. She should be screened for depression. You can find some tools online and go through them from your perspective to see if you agree, but she needs to have her eyes opened to this. Can you talk to her about this? Do you have insurance that covers counseling... or, will your family doc consider prescribing anti-depressants and follow up with counseling?

Internet addiction is a real addiction... however, it is often a distraction for those suffering from depression (see above comments).

Cheating, having crushes on others... these are symptoms of problems in a relationship. There is something else going on that is causing her to look at another. (see above comments).

If you love your wife, and I'm sure you do even though you are frustrated, you will add things up to see that she is suffering from depression and it's an illness like many others. She cannot think her way into feeling happier. She cannot just decide not to be depressed. She cannot rationalize what she is thinking while depressed. She needs treatment.

[suki]

Do you think your wife might be "depressed"?

Just curious why depressed is in quotes.

[PrairieRose]

You know, under normal circumstances marriage can be really hard work and most long term marriages go through the duldrums at times. It takes both committed parties to work through it. I agree that it sounds like she's suffering from some sort of mental illness, most likely depression but it could also be some other form such as bi polar disorder, etc.... . I'd do my best to get her to see a dr., to have long heart to heart talks, do things together, etc...... . As far as the crush thing at work.....I'd be concerned as well. I also want to add, every story has 2 sides. Have you spent some time in contemplation about what her side might be?

[Greebo]

Preston,

My advice will be somewhat different. I am you, or rather, you are me, 8 years ago. My wife was working about 5 hours a week, and was otherwise on the computer, in front of the TV, or asleep. I even caught her cybering with someone online. The house was filthy. I was commuting 1.5 hrs ONE way to work, so I was gone 11 hours a day on good traffic days.

Get counseling. Get it for yourself, and ask her to go. If she won't go, you can't force her.

Prepare for the worst. I stuck it out 2 more years before I finally decided I could either go down with the ship, or I could save myself. I divorced her.

I'm sorry, there's so much more to tell, but its not a time of my life I wish to relive any further than I have already done in reading and replying to this thread.

My heart truly goes out to you. You are not alone. But bear this in mind: YOU CAN NOT FIX HER. Either she fixes herself, or you need to save yourself, or drown with her. All you can do is tell her where you stand, now, and forget the past.

Good luck.

[FrugalMomof3]

I am sooo sorry you are going through this and while I am currently having the same feelings as you I can try and give some advice.

First and foremost you MUST talk to her, find out what's going on and demand the truth.

2ndly, you cannot fix or change her, only she can change herself and it's only if she wants to.

3rd, cut off the internet for a short period of time and use the library to pay bills, come to FV, check emails, etc..

4th, dont cheat.... no way no how... this makes you stoop to her level.

5th, take a deep breath, come here talk to us or PM me privately if you want

[familyof3]

Depression was my first thought too. It doesn't sound as if she's just uninterested in you, but that she has no interest in anything.

I think you need the advice of a professional, whether she wants it or not. It may simply be that you've both changed and moved in different directions. It becomes to choice to deal with that or move on.

Also, I know many people come to the internet to vent or seek advice, but I caution you against saying too much here or anywhere. If I found out DH was spilling our personal business I would feel hurt and angry. Others may disagree, but it's something to consider.

Good luck. I truly hope you can find a way for you both to be happy.

[cissylu]

Preston ,It sound`s like she has depression. If you don`t know it is a chemical imbalance in the brain something she can`t help.
sleeping all the time she can, not wanting to do any thing, but most of the other thing`s in life are stress ful and she doesn`t want to deal with it.as for the relationship part with you that goes with the depression. all this goes with depression.
she does need to see a dr.
as for airing your laundry ,we`re here to help.
she may very well be telling her side to some one on the net her self.
you do need to talk to her about your feeling`s and get to the reason thing`s are the way they are.
I want to wish you luck and happiness.
I hope this has helped you some.
pm me if you need to talk
cissylu
jmo
she`s able to work because she has to.
getting on the internet is no stress for her.

[Kitten20]

What is she doing on the internet all night? I think you should definitely be concerned. Maybe she knows that you are not attracted to her anymore and is seeking attention elsewhere (co-workers, online)? I know that you are not attracted to her anymore because of her behavior, but it can turn into a vicious cycle.

Have you tried talking to her? Maybe marriage counseling is something that the two of you should look into.

I would say to go ahead and have the internet cut off and do your banking the old-fashioned way, or at the library, but she is an adult and is able to make her own deicisions imo. It should be her decision to want to make things right in your marriage -- not something that is forced upon her. That may only make things worse.

I know that it is probably hard to be kind to her (not saying you aren't) when she won't do anything, but maybe try going out of your way to be nice to her. Compliment her, etc. Ask her out on a date. If you want to save your marriage, someone is going to have to make the change first and it doesn't seem like she is able to do that right now. I am just thinking that maybe she is picking up on your feelings (upset at her for not cleaning or doing anything) and is re-acting (by laying around even more, etc.)

I hope this makes sense. Your post sounds exactly like the situation I was in during my marriage. We ended up getting divorced, but looking back, we could have saved our marriage. Good luck!!

[vigilant20]

I agree counseling is a good idea. It sounds like she's sunk in a depression (and maybe changing her habits to escape...do you live and work together?), and you've completely changed your lifestyle. It's time to work on finding a common ground again.

[JustMegan79]

I agree with the others, depression sounds like a real candidate as explanation for some of her behavior.

Counselling is a good option, if she is uncooperative, you should still consider it for yourself. It is a very personal decision, but since you said you really diidnt have anyone to talk to about it, I would at least think about it.

Greebo had some good advice as well...in that you have choices--to sink or save yourself if it comes to that.

One thing no one has mentioned:

My personal belief is that if you feel you would/could cheat on your wife, it would be better to step away now. I say this because cheating causes huge emotional scars that are a long time healing. Not tht divorce doesnt as well, but this is different kind of violation. There is no reason to cheat on your partner. If you are unhappy and are contemplating this, it is time to get out of your marriage if it cannot be saved.
Save your wife and yourself from this additional heartache.

Good luck and I hope you will keep us updated.