Am I being too hard on the kids?

**SewCrafty** · 07-02-2008, 03:58 AM

Little background, I am watching my friend's 3 grandchildren, ages. boy 9, girl 6, and boy 3. She received full legal custody of them last year when her dd and sil gave them to her. They have some major drug poblems

. These kids were left alone with the 9 yr. old in charge. In the beginning it was REALLY hard, he fought me tooth and nail and then some. Now he is starting to listen to me, btw, he walks ALL over his grandma, mainly because she is so exhausted all the time, she let's him/them. She realises this and I am trying to set things right. I have made up chore charts, reward charts and a house rule chart (see below). Is this too extreme to expect out of kids that haven't any structure in their lives? TIA, I need all I can get!

Here are the house rules, tell me what you think?

1. No Hollering, Being Disrespectful or Arguing with Adults

2. No Cussing

3. No Throwing ANYTHING

4. NO Fighting

5. Do Your Chores

6. Go To Bed On Time

7. Do Not Answer Or Use the Phone Without Permission

8. Only 3 Hours Total of TV time PER Day
This includes, gaming, movies, and general TV watching.

9. Play/Train Jake for ½ Hour PER Day EACH Jake is the family (Brenda's) dog)

10. ½ Hour PER Day EACH of Learning

11. Stay at the Table for Meals

12. Use Your Table Manners

13. NO TV On During Meal Times

14. Be Polite, use Please and Thank You

**SewCrafty** · 07-02-2008, 04:00 AM

Except for #9 and #10, these are all MAJOR problems! I just thought with it all in black and white, so to speak, they wouldn't be able to say, that isn't how we have always done it.

**brainyblonde** · 07-02-2008, 05:45 AM

I think kids NEED routine and structure in their lives. I don't see anything wrong with your list. Grandma has to get on the bandwagon. It would make it a lot easier if the rules were consistent.

Best wishes to you!

**Greebo** · 07-02-2008, 06:00 AM

You're trying to do the right thing - but if Gramma isn't onboard, even if its the "oh I know you're right but I'm just so tired" kind of not onboard, she's the primary now for them, and she'll undermine everything.

If she wants these kids to grow up and have something to look forward to more than a lot of free room and board at county expense and pretty orange jump suits, she's got to teach these rules too.

The only other thing I can think of is explaining why the kids need to follow these rules to them (the kids and grandma, but obviously not at the same time) over and over again.

**suebeehoney** · 07-02-2008, 06:30 AM

I've seen firsthand what happens when kids have no structure in their lives - especially kids with emotional and/or behavior problems. Structure and a consistent schedule they can rely on is a MAJOR thing for most kids. If they've never had it, they'll have a hard time falling in line with it at first and they'll try to "buck the system" - but after a little while, they'll realize you're not going to give in, and they'll start following all the rules.

Give a kid a schedule and structure and then take it away and watch what happens....it's not pretty.

**YankeeMom** · 07-02-2008, 06:33 AM

Originally Posted by Greebo

You're trying to do the right thing - but if Gramma isn't onboard, even if its the "oh I know you're right but I'm just so tired" kind of not onboard, she's the primary now for them, and she'll undermine everything.

If she wants these kids to grow up and have something to look forward to more than a lot of free room and board at county expense and pretty orange jump suits, she's got to teach these rules too.

The only other thing I can think of is explaining why the kids need to follow these rules to them (the kids and grandma, but obviously not at the same time) over and over again.

I agree 100%

My only other suggestion would be to start slowly. If they've had NO supervision for all this time, I'd start with the stuff that's going to hurt them/someone else first. Then slowly work to the manners/politeness, then the dog & learning. Throwing it all at them at once, along with being abandoned by their parents may just be too much for them.

Poor kids

**suki** · 07-02-2008, 06:56 AM

I definitely agree that if gramma's not on board, you'll have a tough time. That being said, it's still possible to teach them manners.

However, I think you should pick your battles and not try to reform them yourself in a short period of time. I think #9 & #10 are not priorities and some of the other stuff is a bit fussy...

Baby steps.

**joyofsix** · 07-02-2008, 07:08 AM

Originally Posted by YankeeMom

I agree 100%

My only other suggestion would be to start slowly. If they've had NO supervision for all this time, I'd start with the stuff that's going to hurt them/someone else first. Then slowly work to the manners/politeness, then the dog & learning. Throwing it all at them at once, along with being abandoned by their parents may just be too much for them.

Poor kids

I agree here. They are like babies. They know zippo. Just like a baby, start with the safety, move to respect and save the dog for last. I have to say, my kids know this stuff (ok, maybe not the fighting with each other part) but if I presented them all of it in a list they'd be freaked out. You're a good person for caring about them.

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-02-2008, 07:26 AM

I agree, your trying to put structure and responsibility into their lives, there is nothing wrong with you expecting things from them as they expect from us as parents.

Your list is fine except for 9 & 10.

**Darlene** · 07-02-2008, 08:19 AM

I agree with Greebo & Yankeemom. You are doing a good thing Dee.:hug:
Hope you can get :gma: on board, tired or not.

**Tamerama** · 07-02-2008, 08:28 AM

I think the list is great! But maybe start with a shorter list and add to it...maybe add one or two a week.

**missyali** · 07-02-2008, 08:35 AM

I think a shorter list would be good, too. Begin with the ones that keep them safe first. Always reiterating "Is that safe?" You may also want to phrase them in the positive voice ~ Television is off during meal time. It's just a little change, but I have found with my special needs students phrasing what you want vs. what you don't want seems to get better results. Good luck, they are all very lucky to have you!

**PrairieRose** · 07-02-2008, 08:38 AM

I think you're trying to do the right thing Dee but it's a lot to 'control and structure' all at once from kids who've obviously never had any type of either. If Grandma won't back you up when you're not there, you're fighting a losing battle. If you can enforce these rules in ~stealth~ mode without proclaiming them over and over I'd say that they'll respond better. They do need structure but what they really need is love and limits. You've got your work cut out for you, I hope Grandma will realize that she's only making life harder for them (and herself) until she decides to set limits herself.

It's wonderful of you to take this on.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 07-02-2008, 11:36 AM

Kids need some sort of structure in their lives, but at the same time, every adult that takes care of them needs to be on board with it. I'd sit down with her and just explain that this will make her life a whole lot easier and give her examples. She may or may not take it to heart. If she does, I think she'll thank you a ton because you've helped her figure out a way to get the kids to listen.

**cab54** · 07-02-2008, 02:29 PM

The main part of Greebo's post that I like is--sit down with them and explain what's going on (grandma too, maybe she'll get into the act)--tell them like this "I know your life before you came to grandma's was really different than you have now with her and me....." and talk about how people usually live and that that's what YOU'RE trying to do is, adjust them to that kind of life. You know it's been hard for them, etc........