The right decision... right?

[janelane]

I've written and rewritten this post so many times the last few days. I don't really know what I'm looking for, exactly, just maybe to get it out? I have no idea.

We're working the DR plan, snowballing debt. If things go right (fingers crossed, oh please, we've been dropped from heighths this high before) we can be completely debt free in 20ish months.

We had been planning to start trying for a baby in October (DH wants a summerish baby, and though I know it won't likely happen right away, starting that soon would put a birth in the middle of our aggressive pay down. Post credit card pay offs though.

So I talked to DH the other day and decided maybe we should wait another year.

I know, really, that putting it off just one more year is the right thing do to, for various reasons. More time to lose weight. And I know I'm going to want to spend a lot on baby, so I'd like to have the cash to do so. Our debt is my absolute number one stressor, and I know being a new mom is stress all over the place, so I kind of want to eliminate whatever I can before hand.

So, ever since I've "maybe decided" this, i've been really down, listless, depressed. There's still that nagging little voice in my head saying things like, go ahead with your plans, how many people have you heard call in to Dave and say they had a baby in the middle of things? Bah. I'm so impatient. (Well, I guess not TOO impatient, I've been baby crazy since I was 19.) We had a surprise this winter, a boy, but unfortunately I mc. (I was under a lot of stress at the time.) So I know that's part of the longing.

DH says he's up for anything as long as it means a lot of practice, lol.

I'm just really torn. I KNOW in my head that debt-then-baby would be the best way to go, but I'm trying really hard to convince myself otherwise.

Um, thanks for listening.

[Drgnfly423]

Ugh...isn't it a tough decision? I'm in almost the same boat as you. Except for the mc. So I wouldn't even dare to compare my feelings to those. And I want to say that I'm sorry that you went through that. .

We have so many financial plans that we want to get in order, but we want to start a family, too. I know if we start too soon that I will be so stressed out, it's like I won't enjoy it. Now, the logical part of my brain knows I'll enjoy it, but, I think I can say that "out loud" here because you understand what I mean.

I plan on quitting work when we start a family so we have to save X amount of $ and buy DH a car before I can quit, so for me right now that is just extra motivation to spend less and save more. The more "gazelle" we are the closer we are to goal, the sooner we can start our family.

I don't know if this helps you at all...I just thought I would put out there what DH and I have been talking and re-talking through for the past year or so....

[Momof3girls]

What about a bit of a compromise? Maybe you can work as hard as you can for 6 months to pay off debt. Maybe take on extra odd jobs, cut everything you can and just put your head down and see where you can get.
Then try for the baby or revaluate at after that 6 months. Maybe you will want to wait a bit longer or maybe not. At least you will be that much closer to being debt free before adding a baby to the mix. If you in theory got pregnant the 7th month ( after the 6 months of hard core savings), you wouldn't have the baby for another 9 months. If you and your dh continued to work as hard as you are able to, you can be 16 months towards debt repayment. Did that make sense?

[MomToTwoBoys]

I'm sorry that things have got you so down with trying to get the money situation fixed and wanting a baby at the same time. I've been in debt pretty much all my life and it really does add to the stress when you're trying to be a mom and take care of the family with money troubles. I have to say that you and your DH are in way better shape than I was when I had my first DS. I was in the Marines and I had so much money trouble. I wasn't making a whole lot, lived in base housing, had a small monthly payment on my car, but still struggled to make ends meet because I didn't have a plan. You and your DH are way ahead of where I was when I had my first child, so you should feel good about that!

I'm pretty sure that your anxiety about having the baby and take care of your finances are going to end up causing you more stress. I'd think about that extra year of waiting before having a baby will do you a world of good, not just in the financial aspects but also in the mental health ones too. You'll have a clearer frame of mind about things concerning the baby and you will definitely feel alot more at ease when it comes to providing he or she with what you really want the baby to have. You won't sit there second-guessing yourself on stuff like, "I really do want this but can we afford it?". You'll be alot happier knowing that you can buy those things for the baby and won't be stressed out knowing that that cash should have went to paying down certain debts.

It's always good to have a solid financial lifestyle in place before adding anything more to it that may fracture that lifestyle via stress or other factors. Having less debt/no debt at all = more happiness.

[Lady_V]

I can't tell you what to do... but, I will tell you my story and you can choose to take what you want from it.

In 1998, I got married. I found out I brought an extra lil somthing back from Bermuda

Money was not an issue (other than he ran out of ideas on how to spend it all) so we were elated. We bought a condo because we didn't want to raise 'the baby' in a 1 bedroom apartment. After we signed the papers and waiting on the closing date... I lost the baby.

We still went ahead with the purchase, but I couldn't even open the door to the second room because I was still in mourning. It took a while before I started using that room as 'storage'.

When I was emotionally ready, we tried infertility treatments. My ex is a body builder and it seems as if his choice to use steroids before we got married came back and bite him in the rump because he had a 'sample' count of under 20... no, not 20,000... 20!

Money still wasn't an issue, so I went round after round of treatments trying to have his child.

After sending my first angel 6 brothers or sisters, I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster anymore and called an end to treatments and looked in to adoption.

Originally we had plans to adopt from the Ukraine via an attorney in NJ but put an end to that quickly because whenever I would call with a question, her answer would be 'wire me $xxx so we can get started... Whoa nellie... I wasn't going to give anyone $10K for 'legals' when she won't even answer 'How long does the process take?'... I made one last phone call to her, to tell her we were no longer interested in 'her services'.

All the same, I went in to 'super saver' mode. His paycheck paid all the household things. My paycheck went in to a savings account. He wasn't happy with not being able to eat at the 5 stars... but he would have to dine alone because I took on 2 more jobs.

I worked at his fathers office until 4, got changed out of my 'corporates' and off to the liquor store I went to work 5-11... and then on to my private duty job. Luckily my client was a full grown man with an internet addiction so he had no issues with me getting there at 11:30 to assist him to bed.

I did this dance for about a year. We eventually contacted a local agency to assist us with our international adoption. We still had no debt except the condo and money still wasn't an issue, we lived a very comfy life... and then fear set in.

I won't disclose how much the adoption and related expenses were, but I will say, it was outside of my normal financial comfort zone. I had a lot of 'what if's' even ones I knew would never happen. "I am going to be a SAHM, what if he loses his job'. He works for his father... he has job security.

Until the day I went to the orphanage, I was afraid. The fear that there wouldn't be enough money plagued my dreams... that changed the second I held DD in my arms.
I could spend my entire life worried about the money and holding off having children, or I could spend my life as a mother.

and then... [ame="http://www.frugalvillage.com/forums/showthread.php?p=944899#post944899"]there is this[/ame]

[Greebo]

Jane:

Assuming your insurance will cover medical costs, what will a baby do to your budget and debt free plan?

[AmyBoz]

It's funny, Jane. I'm the first one to rail against people having children they can't afford. However, my thoughts are really centered towards those who are getting welfare and government assistance and keep having child after child so that they can continue to collect.

That being said, there is nothing in my life that means more to me than being a mother. We had dd and ds and then we bought this house, knowing that by the time our ARM went up, we would have an extra $1000 a month for savings and mortgage because dd would be going to kindergarten, thus eliminating 1 daycare payment.

Then, the year before the ARM went up...surprise! Along comes Matthew. (We struggled to get pregnant the first two times, drs, etc...thought that was it for us) To say that money is tight around here with an extra daycare payment, higher mortgage payment, and an extra mouth to feed would be an understatement. However, would I exchange MattyBoz for more money in the bank??? Never.

Sometimes you gotta scrap your best laid plans. A child will bring you more joy and love than any amount of money. Will you struggle? Probably. But you'll never regret it. It's hard to theorize how you'll feel about your child until you hold him or her in your arms. But, believe me...they are worth it.

[nodmicks]

If you really want a baby and waiting will cause you heartache I'd have one. I've known to many people to wait and wait and have problems having a baby later. We were broke when we had our kids and we made it a -ok. I always say people before $.
You have the rest of your life to fix and make $. You may not have the rest of your life to have a child.

[janelane]

Jane:

Assuming your insurance will cover medical costs, what will a baby do to your budget and debt free plan?

Yes, we have excellent insurance (better be, we pay through the nose for it) and basically the only thing I would have to pay for is the copay on my first visit to confirm pregnancy, after that, it's 100% which completely shocked me. Though, seeing as how the company owner has 5 kids, I shouldn't have been. This is the first time I've ever had insurance this accomadating.

See, this is what I'm grappling with, how easy it would be just to tack on a few more months. If I could keep control of myself the pay off would probably only extend ten months (that's if we managed to get pregnant right away) or so at the most even with a baby. CCs would be gone by the time a baby would get here and what we're throwing at those is more than enough to cover baby expenses (left room for expensive formula in case of tummy trouble as I will not be able to BF due to meds, and a diaper service if I can't keep up with them myself) grocery increase, ESA contribution and still keep some of our extra going to our other debt, which will be significantly decreased by then anyhow (we're paying a huge min on a two-year business loan that will be done by next summer, too) we just wouldn't be able to chuck as much as we'd planned to what would be left (student loans.) But I don't know if I can control myself. Just trying to be realisitic. I know I'm going be more apt to slip up and overspend. We would still be comfortable, I just know I'm going to have guilt while still having some debt.

And then there's the extras I worry about, and boy do I know how to worry (and man it's a constant worry that we will lose this income, even though there's no signs or anything.) But if I constantly worry that we don't have a bazillion dollars socked away in the bank for our as yet non-existant child's dreamt up random organ transplant emergency and how horrible the future might be, I'll *never* have kids.

Am I just being over-cautious? Could we really still do this?

We've been tossing around the idea just waiting a few months, going off the pill at the first of the year and not bothering to chart my cycle or anything -- not trying but not trying to prevent, either. It would probably be less stressful that way, anyhow.

I guess I have a lot of time to think about it. Gonna try to be even more strict with ourselves and see where we are in a few months. Either way, I'm a bit more perky and excited today. January doesn't seem that far off. I just hate having things be so iffy.

Thanks everyone, it's really helped to talk about this. I'm feeling more positive.

[frugalfoster]

I guess I would have to say try and pay off the debts first. I didn't do it this way and I didn't get the advantage of staying home with my baby's as long as I might have liked. (Actually I think I had 21 days off each time). Even though I was able to set my own hours, it still came down to we needed my paycheck to make the bills. I tell all my friends, get yourself in order before.....because once the baby is born you will never be able to go back and relive the time that you have to spend away from them while working. You can miss so much!!!! Some of the best advice I have heard is that there is no "dress rehearsal" in life....live it, enjoy it, and try not to have any regrets.... I regret not having that time with my daughter's....

[Greebo]

I say go for it. Start practicing. You never know when you'll actually get pregnant, after all, and with good insurance, if your monthly budget is only adjusted by the food diapers and ESA and it slows your reduction but doesn't eliminate it, why wait?

And make your baby registry as comprehensive as possible - let other people shower you with the necessities.

[janis362529]

Hubby and I have 3 wonderful children and 3 angel children. We got pregnate by opps and then I m/c. I got preggo again and carrried to term then preggo and m/c then preggo and baby then m/c then baby. A real roller coaster but gues what I found out that if we waited till the money was there I might never had had kids.With my 2nd m/c they had to give me 2 pints of blood and told me if I got preggo we were gambling with my life. Well we kept trying and kept risking my life so to speak.Our doc told me that if I was in my 30s or 40s I probolly would have never carried to term with any of the pregnancies. So if your want is that strong I would not wait I would just find a way to make it work

[Hoosier Momma]

If Dad of 4 and I had actually waited to have kids until things were just 'financially right,' we'd still be waiting. As I get older (now 35), I realize why we women were built to have babies in our 20s and 30s...it don't get any easier as you get older (my mom told me this years ago, but it is obvious now that I have a 9 month old who is crawling that I ain't 25 anymore, like I was with the first).

That listless, depressed feeling is normal...when we women want babies, we feel it all the way (it becomes really bad when your youngest is about a year old!).

I can't give any sage advice, but I understand you.

[krissyre]

Put me down in the GO FOR IT column, for all of the reasons you've already mentioned.

If I'd waited to achieve some place of perfect financial readiness before getting pregnant, I would not have any children. Something has ALWAYS come along to spoil the financial plan. Murphy's Law, you know?

And then there's this... My mother's goddaughter couldn't believe her rotten timing when she got pregnant at age 22, only 3 months after graduating college (and 6 weeks before her wedding, but I digress...). Thought she was the unluckiest girl when she got pregnant AGAIN (while on birth control), just 2 years later. She loved her kids, but wished she could have had an opportunity to get on top of things financially (and emotionally, too, I'm sure). And then when she was 26 (only 26!) she had to have a hysterectomy.

So, that's my scary story of the day. It would be a whole different ballgame if you couldn't make ends meet, couldn't afford to feed yourselves, etc. But in your case, it will only slow you down a little bit. You never know what life has in store for you, so go on and try!

[Palooka]

I agree with Hoosier Momma and krissyre. No time is better than the present. Just waiting for 'the perfect time' is not always pratical.

I would have never had my 3 if I waited for the 'perfect debt free plan' Sometimes people can be a little extreme in thinking....

It will all work out....It always does...