It's hard to watch friends hurt

[GFNancy]

A friend of mine found out that her husband is having an affair. She has absolute proof - he took a picture of him and one of his coworkers having s*x and she found it in his email. Nothing graphic, but you can tell what they're doing.

She busted him and he told her all sorts of things for days. He manipulated her and her feelings all sorts of ways. Finally he confessed and said that it was something that just happened once. He said they rented a room. You can tell in the picture it's not a hotel. So unless they spent hundreds of dollars and rented a room at a nice bed and breakfast that's somebody's house.

Basically, she now thinks it's her fault because she wasn't having s*x with him enough, and if she was doing it more he wouldn't be looking for it elsewhere. He's also got a serious porn addiction that he has gotten in trouble with at work before. They're going to marriage counseling and are trying to work on fixing their marriage.

Yay right? Even though I don't know if that would have been the choice I would have made, I really admired her for wanting to work on it. And if he was remorseful and wanted to work on it too, more power to him. Right?

Not so much.

Meanwhile at work (my husband and my FIL work with him), he's basically started flaunting that he's messing around with this chick. He knows he's got his wife fooled (or not wanting to believe), so he's got nothing to hide anymore.

I told her what my husband has told me about what's going on at work. She feels that there are other possible explanations for them both coming to work early before everyone else gets there, them going out to lunch together, them always being at each other's desks, etc. Maybe they really were friends who made one mistake one day. Maybe spending time together is work-related. It's not. My husband is his boss and there's no reason in the world that he needs to spend time with her. If she needs something from the department, there are other people she can talk to. And to be honest, most people ask for things from their department via email. Because the information can be given via email. So there's no earthly reason face to face contact is even necessary.

She also thinks that just because he answers his desk phone and his Yahoo IM that she knows that he's at his desk. That actually isn't true because they work at a company that has a high tech phone system. My husband showed me how he can make it look like he's calling from his desk phone from anywhere you can get an internet connection. That's how the phone system is set up. My husband uses it on his cell phone when he makes business calls if he's not at his desk. Because some people let calls go to voice mail if it's coming from a number they don't recognize, like a cell phone. And of course being able to forward calls received at a landline phone number to your cell phone takes about two seconds. And we all know that you can IM from Yahoo anywhere you can get online.

In other words, she doesn't want to know. And I get that. I really do. I've been there. I was there for a few years. People kept telling me that my ex was messing around and the signs were everywhere. I wasn't ready to believe it until I was ready to believe it. I actually knew it. I knew he was messing around. I just didn't want to know. Ya know?

It's just SOOOO hard to watch one of my best friends get drug through the mud like this. I mean, he's flaunting it at work for pete's sake. Because they've basically made their relationship public, the thing I'm most concerned about is that he and this chick may be planning something and he'll end up leaving my friend all of a sudden whenever they get their plan in place. I know someone who had a similar situation and woke up one morning to find out her husband had sucked all the money out of their bank account and left her with nothing. Not saying that he would do this, but I've seen it happen.

I'm not going to say that watching someone go through it is harder that going through it yourself, but it is harder in some ways. Because I'm not in denial about what's he's doing. It's all being played out right in front of me.

I just feel so bad for her. I know at this point it's not my business and I will stay out of it and support her however she needs me to. It's just sooo hard to watch.

Any advice or commiserations greatly appreciated.

Nancy

[Darlene]

I hope their co-workers are shunning them instead of just going along with it. What a couple of ...

I guess I wouldn't pass along any info from work. Really isn't much you can do, this really stinks. Hope she does reach out for you and stops blaming herself.
I'm sorry.

[ktsmama]

Another thing that I would most definitely worry about was an STD. Let's just say I have been there and done that. My ex swore he did not sleep with anyone else and I knew I had not and I ended up with HPV and precancerous cells.

I think that all you can do for her right now is be there for her, because you know from experience that she is not going to believe it until she does. I will certainly keep her in my prayers.

[Mo-BayMom]

ktsmama- You just said what I was thinking. What a poop her dh is... and bragging about it to boot. Maybe your friend is afraid to be alone? Maybe she thinks can't do it alone. Just be there for her and be her friend...she sure does need one right now.

[leezza]

Sorry for your friend, BUT I would suggest to her that she takes all of her savings, and anyother money she has and stash it.....move it, whatever......Tell her if it all works out after counseling she can put it back BUT "It's better to be safe than sorry".

JMHO,
leezza

[LuvMyHubby]

I am sorry for your friend, it sounds like her hubby is a real piece of work. You have laid out the fact for her and she has seen the evidence for herself and there is nothing else you can do but be there for the inevitable fallout.

I wonder if the company has a policy on employee fraternization since the loser is openly flaunting it perhaps they can be told to cool their jets at work at least so their co workers don't not have to be party to their dispicable behavior.

Good luck to you and her.

[daughter of pearl]

For me the hard part would be watching her denial being eroded, as it will if this continues...does she have kids?

[ladykemma2]

"Basically, she now thinks it's her fault because she wasn't having s*x with him enough, and if she was doing it more he wouldn't be looking for it elsewhere. He's also got a serious porn addiction that he has gotten in trouble with at work before. They're going to marriage counseling and are trying to work on fixing their marriage. "

sigh. classic sex addict.

SAA sex addicts anonymous for him

Co-SA codependents of sex addicts for her

one thing the CoSA program will tell her is that no amount or frequency of sex will satisfy these guys. they are in search of the hunt, the thrill, the intrigue, or weirder, or the brain chemicals. sex addicts need to O 10-12 times a DAY. they do it in the bathroom or in their office at work. there is a lot more but it would freak people out on this forum. read anything by patrick carnes.

just divorced a sex addict

[Persimmon Lace]

Your husband has been put in a bad position as well. If there is a bad breakup by the girlfriend or the wife there could be sexual harassment charges brought. My husband has had to deal with this at work and they were both reprimanded and then because it didn't stop and caused problems at work, they were both counseled again and then fired. Dh had to do the firing.

Be there for your friend. I am married to a recovering sex addict and he's been clean and sober for 10 years. It can be done, but she needs to stop living in denial. You can't push her if she's not ready. But she'll need a good friend.

[GFNancy]

Thanks for the support everybody.

Someone asked if they have kids. They have two boys - 12 and 15. Which somehow makes this worse because that is such an impressionable age as far as learning how to develop romantic relationships.

Yep. He's a real piece of work. My husband had been friends with him for years, and he's such a screw up at work, always calling in sick, etc. that he washed his hands of him work-wise a long time ago. My husband isn't his direct manager anymore but is one of the team of managers directly above him, so he's still technically his boss, just not directly responsible for him anymore. In fact, years ago when the company was much smaller, my husband and him were the only people in their department. They were the department. So this guy really should be one of the managers. But he's so flaky and unmotivated that he has barely even gotten many raises, much less any promotions.

So anyway. Yep. Piece of work.

I'm not sure how their work's fraternization policy works. I know that it's slightly open because two of the VPs just got married. But to be honest, if you didn't know them socially, you never, ever would have guessed. They both take their jobs very seriously and never brought it to work.

My husband said that the Department manager (DH's boss) had asked him about what was obviously going on and asked if he would pull my friend's husband aside and talk to him as a buddy. My DH said no. He told his boss to treat him like any other employee and not to make special exceptions because DH and this guy have known each other for a long time. My DH is totally done with him. It sounds like the boss may have a meeting with my friend's husband to lay down the company rules, if nothing else. The boss is kind of the dad/uncle type, so maybe he can talk some sense into him, but I don't know if that crosses company policy lines or not.

I talked to my friend again a little bit ago. (She brought the subject up not me, btw.) She says she knows that she's in denial to some degree. But she doesn't think that he could possibly still be messing around because he says he isn't and she has to believe him because there's no evidence that he's lying. (!!!)

So... It is what it is. I'm supporting her 100% in whatever she needs right now. I just dont want her to feel like she can't confide in me or that I don't support her.

But yea, watching this slowly eat away at her, or slowly dawn on her, is painful. Especially since I know from experience that it can take YEARS.

I guess this is a preview of what it will be like when my kids are making the same mistakes I made. Ugh...

[G'MaDebbie]

I guess this is a preview of what it will be like when my kids are making the same mistakes I made. Ugh...

This is exactly what it will be like for you. You sound a lot like me, always wanting to stop the hurt before it even starts. Unfortunately for those of use who have been thru it (me included) you can not make their choices for them, even when you know they are dying inside from the hurt that has been inflicted on them.
As far as your friend is concerned, I think you are doing the right thing by just being her friend. I have been caught in this situation more than once and I always ended up being the bad guy because I was there to help and knew the truth. When she is ready, only then will she make the right decision. I know how hard it is to watch from a distance when you know what choice she should be making, but, it's her choice. She has already admitted that she is in denial and for now she is comfortable with that. As much as it breaks your heart to see her hurt, you have to let her hurt (my counselor told me that). Just continue to be her friend and love her, no matter what your personal feelings are about the situation...she will thank you one day. I really hope she doesn't allow him to continue to do this to her, sometimes some women never wake up.

[missmanny]

I have only one comment to make ugh.

it makes me a bit sick, and must be very weird for you to hear it from two conflicting angles.

I hope your friends sorts herself out and demand better of him.

[hawkgirl]

And also, if she just recently found out, she's going to have some wildly vaciliating thoughts about the whole thing (stay/leave/etc.). She probably needs time to process it all.