DS "forgets" everyone's birthday, but her own

**MomK** · 09-22-2008, 07:25 PM

My Ds hasn't sent a gift to either of my dks for several years. She has so many responsibilities, raising 3 kids...she can't possibly be expected to remember anything as trivial as my kids birthdays.

Well, my dd14 has noticed. I have told her not to be rude and mention it to her aunt that she forgets birthdays, but...dadgum it! I always buy something for her kids, usually I handmake something too! I make a special effort to buy/make the correct size in a flattering color... and I know she really appreciates my effort. She knows that I try hard to give those kids memorable gifts. But it's like she doesn't think she has to reciprocate. It's almost like she hasn't grown up, yet.

It really hurts, that my kids get overlooked by my only sister!

**nuisance26** · 09-22-2008, 08:15 PM

~It's a shame your sister hasn't gotten your message that remembering birthdays is important to you and to the kids. Sounds to me that she's just ditsy, not malicious, right? I'm sure you nieces/nephews appreciate that you remember them, even if their mom isn't so great at remembering your kids. You're doing a good thing being a giver and that's a good lesson for your kids.~

**Darlene** · 09-23-2008, 08:00 AM

She's your sister, can't you just talk about it? No beating around the bush or hinting, really talk.
She doesn't need to give gifts but sending at least a card and acknowledging the b'day is a must.

**perSue** · 09-23-2008, 08:19 AM

I'm sorry your sister is like this. It's inexcusable.

When I first started reading this thread, I was thinking she was a teen... but when you said she's got a few kids of her own, I can't assume anything but being grown!

It almost sounds like she's got the "world revolves around me" syndrome.

My initial thought was to stop sending gifts... but then you're just punishing the kids... so my next thought.... Don't send gifts to your Sister!

Send simple but nice gifts to her kids... maybe point out on a phone call "my daughter's bday is coming up and she'd LOVE it if you got her such&such."

Be bold, be brash... not rude tho. Just obvious.

Heck, if she doesnt get that hint, be rude... and point it out to her.
Tell her she's not being a nice aunt... and her niece is picking up on it.

Maybe make a deal "sis, you get no gifts from us (your family) til she starts recognizing your kids".... now that doesnt necessarily have to mean "you buy us stuff, we buy you stuff."

Just a phone call, a card, a little whatnot to say "hey, i thought of you." or a day w/Auntie (shopping, movies, etc.).

Subtle hints may be lost, I'm afraid.

**Ebbie** · 09-23-2008, 08:27 AM

I'm single, but my family around me is exploding. You know, siblings with kids, those "kids" now grown and starting to have kids, and my gift list was just growing and growing. And the kicker was of course that while I was buying MORE gifts (or sending gift money) rarely was I even getting a card or a phone call on MY birthday in return. So I recently decided to only send cards to those who haven't reciprocated with on my birthday. I decided that if they weren't reciprocating with at least a card then that mean they aren't interested in going a "gift exchange". I guess it sounds petty but I wonder why I was putting in so much effort to send birthday remembrances when no one was remembering MY birthday, kwim?

I still send gifts/money to the little little ones, but anyone teenage and over I'm following the "reciprocation" guideline.

**Rosebush3** · 09-23-2008, 09:40 AM

I am sorry that your children are feeling hurt by the fact that your sister doesn't buy them birthday gifts. However she is not obligated to do so, as you are not obligated to buy gifts for hers. I can't imagine thinking less of a sister because she's not buying birthday gifts for your children. You have made the choice to gift hers, and as you state, she is appreciative. I don't think any gift should be given with the intention of getting one back. It should be just that, a gift. I don't think your sister is wrong for this. Some people just don't believe you need to remember every relative's birthdays with gifts, that is just fine. Your daughter is 14 and old enough to understand, I don't know many 14 year olds who expect gifts from everyone on their birthdays. Should we expect gifts from people? Should we fault them when they don't? Shouldn't we give with love and accept with grace and appreciation. Shouldn't that be the end of it.

**pip** · 09-23-2008, 10:17 AM

I have a bil who never sends gifts to anyone, but he is a bachelor and truly a selfish person (really, he is). But, you are sending the right message to your kids when you take the time to pick out a nice gift and remember their cousins on their birthdays and I'm sure that they notice this. If your kids wonder why your sister doesn't send them things, I would think you could talk to them and explain that not giving a gift doesn't mean that she doesn't love them, and not all people show their love in that way. How does she treat your kids when she is around them? Are her intentions sincere? Kids don't always understand these things, but the world sometimes works this way. (By the way, I've had a lot of explaining to do to my kids about their uncle, but he can be just plain wierd!)

**Michelle** · 09-23-2008, 12:06 PM

Originally Posted by Rosebush3

I am sorry that your children are feeling hurt by the fact that your sister doesn't buy them birthday gifts. However she is not obligated to do so, as you are not obligated to buy gifts for hers. I can't imagine thinking less of a sister because she's not buying birthday gifts for your children. You have made the choice to gift hers, and as you state, she is appreciative. I don't think any gift should be given with the intention of getting one back. It should be just that, a gift. I don't think your sister is wrong for this. Some people just don't believe you need to remember every relative's birthdays with gifts, that is just fine. Your daughter is 14 and old enough to understand, I don't know many 14 year olds who expect gifts from everyone on their birthdays. Should we expect gifts from people? Should we fault them when they don't? Shouldn't we give with love and accept with grace and appreciation. Shouldn't that be the end of it.

Well said.

**Greebo** · 09-23-2008, 12:10 PM

I agree with Rosebush3. That you choose to give gifts to the sister and the family does not carry with it an implicit agreement that DS must do the same in return.

You should try actually talking to the DS about the gift giving, and determine whether it should continue or not. If it won't be mutual, then it shouldn't continue, IMO.

**LLDG** · 09-23-2008, 12:31 PM

Okay, some people are forgetful, some have their mind other places: the reasons are limitless. Rosebush is right, we need to allow people to be who they are and not to be hurt.

But for a bit of help for that family member who really wants to be generous but just has the mind of a pea (and deep pockets), this is what to do.

In December, buy that person a calendar. Put down the dates of every one's birthday - your family, their family and everyone else too! While you are at it, put down anniversaries and other important dates. Almost all calendars have a "note" page. Put everyone's addresses and phone numbers.

Yours will be the favorite Christmas present! (You will probably end up giving these calendars to everyone on your list)

Calendars can be very inexpensive gifts. You can even print your own calendars off the Internet with your own images. (but you already knew this!)

**cab54** · 09-23-2008, 12:40 PM

DH and I have HUGE families. No way can we buy a gift for everyone and their kids. He has 4 brothers, I have 8 siblings. Between us, we have 32 nieces and nephews and I have now 5 grand n&n. I'm lucky if I can remember to get a card out (or an email if I'm late remembering). It seems like every day, you have to look at the calendar and see if you're forgetting anyone today, LOL! So I guess it depends on where you're coming from. In my family nobody minds if you've forgotten, because they do it too.

That said----if I only had one sister, I'd expect her to remember my kids, at least in a card or a phone call.

My MIL makes a big deal out of her birthday, though, like she's some kinda queen or something. She has actually called people up and told them that this year it's THEIR turn to have her b-day party. Yet she forgets mine most of the time. And her grandkids ALL of the time. And she's NOT senile. She's always been this way.

She forgot our anniversary for the first 20 years (or decided to ignore it, since she didn't like me marrying her oldest son) She forgot our 30th!! DH and I had a great big party for their 50th, cost us a fortune. So---I know what you mean about people who make it all about them all the time, like no one else is important.

Parsimonious · 10-01-2008, 03:41 PM

I constantly forget birthdays. I always did so. People have written me lists, given me 'warning' phone calls a day or two before - I still forget. That is reciprocal, though: If somebody forgets my birthday, I won't notice either.

On the other hand, I DO give gifts. It may be a book I've already read that I think somebody might enjoy. Or some cookies. Or a pot of flowers. My family is important to me, but birthdays, name days (the holiday of the Saint you were named after), holidays, etc. just aren't. Personally, my perfect birthday consists of a kiss from my husband, a big chunk of cake for breakfast, and then business as everyday. If needs be, I can do without the cake, and in case of dire emergency, even without the kiss.

There are many different ways people use to show you that you are important to them. It may not be the strategies you use.