Friend separating from DH - how can I be supportive?

**GFNancy** · 10-14-2008, 07:32 PM

My best friend is separating from her husband. He has been having an affair, which she caught him in. But he never stopped. She finally had enough of him lying and sneaking around that she told him he had to move out.

I feel so helpless. We live on the other side of town now, so I can't just go over there anytime I want to anymore. We're both so tight on money that all I can do is email her or call her on the phone. I know that helps, but it just doesn't seem like enough.

Any advice?

**Michelle68** · 10-14-2008, 10:22 PM

What a difficult time for your friend, but she's lucky that she has you to be supportive of her. Just letting her know that you're there for her to talk to when she needs to will be a BIG help as she gets through this.

--Michelle

**elphie** · 10-15-2008, 08:47 AM

Be there for her, continue to call and write as much as possible, plan for times you can go over for a visit, make a rotating schedule with other friends to spend time with her, listen and only offer advice when asked.

One thing NOT to do is lament about how you always knew he was a jerk... this will make her feel stupid for not seeing things sooner that her friends saw. A dear friend of my cried to me one night that it seemed like everyone around her knew that her ex was a jerk so how could she have been so stupid.

**FrugalMomof3** · 10-15-2008, 09:20 AM

Just be there for her by phone, email and in person. I agree with not letting her know her ex is a jerk, this will make her feel better especially since now she knows first hand.

**faw42077** · 10-15-2008, 10:03 AM

Just be there for her and let her know that she can count on you.

I agree with the others, don't tell her that you knew he was a jerk, just be there to listen to her and offer advice if she asks for it.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 10-15-2008, 10:09 AM

You could always have her come over for the weekend and have a slumber party of sorts. It'll give you two a chance to sit down and have some quality time to talk things out. I'd say the email and the phone are good ways to help too. You can email her some cards and just chat on the phone with her to help her get stuff out.

**ahmom** · 10-15-2008, 10:21 AM

No matter how hard it is, don't bad mouth him. She may take him back.

**ladykemma2** · 10-15-2008, 10:31 AM

my best friend helped me by helping me (by making me) pack up his stuff and get it out of the house.

the betrayal and post traumatic stress is unbearable, as well as the loss of income and reduced standard of living. teach her frugality. help her with her new budget. she will be a basketcase. I know I was.

go with her to the attorney. go with her to court and mediation.

it will be a long, horrible year before she is anything like her normal self. It took me six months to stop crying. I was very selfish ( in a good way) and just wanted to crawl into my cave for a while. Don't press her to come out until she is ready. be patient.

she will want to take him back. I had my friend repeat to me a list of reasons not to take him back when i was feeling weak.

**GFNancy** · 10-15-2008, 03:47 PM

Yes, I definitely know not to call him a jerk. I made that mistake with a friend when I was in my mid-twenties. She was thinking about divorcing her husband because of some problems they were having. They ended up getting back together and even though I was truly happy for her she never wanted much to do with me after they got back together.

With my friend's husband now, to be honest, I never would have expected him to do this. Nobody saw it coming. But after we found out and he was blatently lying to her and going around with the floosie without even trying not to get caught, the rest of us had it up to here with him. She was still hoping he'd snap out of it long after the rest of us had given up on him.

Thanks for reminding me that that part of it is something I need to steer clear of too. I try to, but I need to be very careful about that.

I would love it if he completely repented, turned away from everything he had done wrong and came back as a committed partner in their marriage. I really would. I wish I could make it happen for her.

I know that she will probably want to take him back. She has kicked him out a few times and taken him back through all of this. This time she kicked him out after he snuck out in the middle of the night to go meet her. Their teenage son heard him leave too. So that's even worse. (Does he actually think that anyone has been sleeping in that house?)

Thanks everyone for your support. Watching someone go through such painful things is painful in its own way.

Nancy

**Lady_V** · 10-15-2008, 04:26 PM

The best way to support her is to just listen to her. Be her shoulder, her sounding board. Wave a flag if she is going to do something 'bad' like setting his car on fire... with him in it. Otherwise, just let her vent at-will knowing you won't pass judgement on her.

If you can get over to her house for a weekend... do it. Nothing says support like a facial, chocolate and ice cream. No, not together. Spend the night there, have a total 'girl day'.

She may ask you what is wrong with her, that he sought out someone else... remind her of all her positives -- that don't involve HIM.

**ladykemma2** · 10-24-2008, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

my best friend helped me by helping me (by making me) pack up his stuff and get it out of the house.

the betrayal and post traumatic stress is unbearable, as well as the loss of income and reduced standard of living. teach her frugality. help her with her new budget. she will be a basketcase. I know I was.

go with her to the attorney. go with her to court and mediation.

it will be a long, horrible year before she is anything like her normal self. It took me six months to stop crying. I was very selfish ( in a good way) and just wanted to crawl into my cave for a while. Don't press her to come out until she is ready. be patient.

she will want to take him back. I had my friend repeat to me a list of reasons not to take him back when i was feeling weak.

edited to add: remember she is in shock and then comes grief. grieving saps all your energy.

all i was capable of was a weekly lunch out. i didn't want to go anwhere nor could i afford it. it is a normal part of the grief process to want to be ALONE for six months to a year. i had people try to shame me into doing social stuff before i was ready.

**Goodwin17** · 10-24-2008, 06:44 PM

Just lending your ears and your shoulder are some of the best things you can do. If she knows you are there for her that helps a log. As long as she knows you are a true friend.