update on BIL and his 2 sons

[Dutchie]

I am the first one to admit that I could better write this thread on the forum this evening but I quite nervous about this afternoon so I am writing before we go to the birthday party as well.

For the folks who don't know about the situation and you want to know more, please read my HUGE thread -
'I would like ideas/input'.

Anyhow, this afternoon, my DH, myself and a few of our kids are going to my nephew's birthday party at my ex-sil's house. On Wed. this week I was almost speechless (not something that happens often).
The phone went and it was my ex-sil - I haven't spoken with her directly in about 9 years.
She said that she just wanted to confirm that although her son had invited us for his birthday, she just wanted to reassure us that the invitation also came from her and that she was very grateful and pleased that we would be coming.

I discussed the entire thing with DH afterwards and we wondered how we could - without making too much fuss - still get the message regarding his older kids across to my BIL.

As one of the posters said in my first thread - I don't think that we will be able to change the behaviour of BIL unless he wants to do it.

After discussing everything we have decided to do things in various steps.

Firstly we have told my mother in law about us going to our nephew's birthday party and why - namely because his father isn't doing anything for his son's birthday.
(We know that this will get to BIL's ears.)

Her answer was quite surprising (don't even know if this is the right word for it) and I still don't know what to make of it.
She said that she would like to go too but that she had to take the feelings of her son and his new wife into account. I was a bit annoyed at this but I let it go because of the circumstances - she is nursing a very sick DH - my father in law - but I did think - what about your grandson - don't his feelings count too. But that is another battle for another day.

Secondly, while we are there this afternoon we will of course be talking to both wife 1 and the nephews and seeing what we can do for the boys.

Thirdly - if necessary, we will be talking to the BIL and - hopefully without causing a family fight - tell him that, if he continues to treat his older boys like he has been doing, that he should take into consideration that he will lose all contact with them.

[Darlene]

Sounds like a plan to me. Sure wish some people would see that their selfishness and idiocy really hurts others. Hope your BIL wakes up. Glad your nephews have you.

Just want to add, don't let the actions of your BIL take too much away from your lives. You keep caring and loving those boys and know that he will reap what he sews all on his own. True it is too bad but you can do your own part to make it better & no more. Hope you can make peace with it all soon.

[jamie79]

All you can do is what you can do for the nephews. Its your BILS choice whether he is going to be a part of their lives or not. I think men like this ought to be shot but thats just me