2nd update on BIL and kids

**Dutchie** · 11-04-2008, 02:13 AM

The story since the birthday party.
DH, myself a couple of our kids (including our 17 yo daughter) went to the nephew's birthday party and we had a great time.

Wife 1's parents were there and DH and I were a little nervous about seeing them again (we never really got along with them when wife 1 and BIL were married). However these folks did their very best to welcome us and said that they were delighted that we were there.
The look of pure joy in my nephew's eyes when we walked in - well that's what we did it all for.
Later in the afternoon, wife 1 took us aside and said that she would for ever be grateful to us for making this such a special birthday for her son. She had tears in her eyes when she said it.

After we got home we all talked about how we had all had such a great time and we were all so glad that we had gone.

Our daughter will be 18 on Nov. 30 and will be celebrating her birthday for friends and family at some time in Dec.
She has announced that she is so disgusted with her uncle (BIL) that she will not be inviting him and his wife to her birthday but that she will be inviting wife 1 and her 2 sons.
Okkkkkaaaaayyyyy!!!
Our daughter feels that an injustice is being done and has been done for a while and wants to correct it. All very noble of her, but I don't know if this is the way.

When DH came home last night, with our oldest son and his girlfriend who would stay for dinner, our daughter launched into her reasons for not inviting her uncle to her birthday and her reasons for inviting her ex-aunt.
Our oldest son agrees with her but also sees that this could give enormous repercussions in the family.

I would like to give some background about our birthday traditions in Holland.
In principle, EVERYONE celebrates their birthday in Holland regardless of how old/young they are.
In our family, the person who is having the birthday is allowed to ask who THEY like for the celebration. This is not the party thingy but is coffee and cake and then drinks and snacks for the family, neighbors and family friends. A real party is usually held on another day with just the friends of the kids.
However what also complicates things is that our daughter celebrates her birthday (for the family, family friends and neighbors) together with her 2 year older brother. We started this a few years ago because her brother was born on Christmas Day and this makes throwing a birthday celebration a little complicated. We usually choose a date somewhere in between the 2 birthdays - somewhere mid-Dec.
The brother with whom she'll be sharing the celebration, is more the type who will NOT want to make waves within the family, however much he agrees with his sister. BTW It isn't feasible to have 2 birthday celebrations.
Thankfully the subject changed when we had dinner but I have feeling that this will not be the end of it.

Just for info, we haven't heard a reaction about our going to the birthday party from within the family.

**IntlMom** · 11-04-2008, 09:10 AM

1st of all, glad the party went well with wife#1, that's great!

I LOVE your dd's idea about not inviting uncle and current pyscho wife - I hope it can happen - PLEASE keep us informed!

**Dutchie** · 11-04-2008, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by IntlMom

1st of all, glad the party went well with wife#1, that's great!

I LOVE your dd's idea about not inviting uncle and current pyscho wife - I hope it can happen - PLEASE keep us informed!

Things may just have solved themselves (now wouldn't that be nice for a change LOL).

I was talking to our son and daughter about their joint birthday party (it has been decided that it will be held on Dec. 14th) and explained to our son about daughter's stand point.

He said - why don't we invite them all?

DD is in agreement on the condition that if BIL says that he will not come if wife 1 is to come then he will be dis-invited (is that a word?).
I wonder if the last word has been said on this subject?
I will keep you posted if you like.

**leezza** · 11-04-2008, 09:59 AM

Dutchie,

I know that folks will think I am a mean person BUT, I think your daughter has the right idea.

Why would you want to go thru the motions with the BIL when he ruins everyones time with his outragious behavior????

From everything I have read from you I believe that your BIL has torn up his family member card and does not deserve one at this time.......if he wants to participate he knows what he needs to do.......like maybe look in the mirror.

I say don't force your daughter to invite someone that she doesn't like, that is not fair.......and if anyone in the family needs to keep the peace it is BIL.

JMHO,
leezza

**jdr250** · 11-05-2008, 07:54 AM

I think that if you make the effort to invite them both and bil decides not to come, there is no reason to dis-invite them just make it clear that you're not changing your invite list. Then the burden falls to him and any fall out will fall on him, plus he will be missing out on sharing your childrens special day, his loss.

**LuvMyHubby** · 11-15-2008, 06:10 PM

I am a bit late to the game but I am glad the party went well and I like your daughter's idea of a bit of rough justice for her cousins.

Your son sounds like a very diplomatic person and running with his idea of inviting both people and letting BIL that he can come or not come, is his perrogitive however, you will not alter your the guest list to accomodate him.