16 y/o daughter's grades - vent

**wannabedebtfree** · 11-06-2008, 09:56 AM

My daughter is not doing well in school, academically speaking. I got her report card the other day and she got:
A-cullinary arts
B-english
D-Spanish (failed it last year so had to take again)
D-History
F-AFM (math)

She is a junior but I have had these issues with her since 3rd grade. She has never done well in school. She does not have a learning disability, she simply does not do her best, not even close. I have tried punishment - didn't work. I have tried rewards - didn't work. I am not sure what else to do. This is mainly a vent but I am willing to hear suggestions.

I told her Tuesday to be sure to bring her History book home on Wednesday so we can go through it to see where she is having problems. Well, she didn't bring it home. She complains that it is too heavy. (Now, this is a girl who likes to walk around Walmart carrying around a 50lb bag of dog food, so she is no weakling by any means) I also told her to talk to her math teacher and let him know she is struggeling, see if he has any suggestions. Well, you guessed it, she didn't talk to him.

She told me during our conversation on Tuesday that she wants to do better, she wants to bring her grades up, she wants to try harder. Then, she doesn't do either of the 2 things suggested to help her do just that. I have been on craigslist to find some math tutors for her. I have spoken to 1 person and am waiting on an email reply from a 2nd. I am hoping they can help with the math but if she doesn't put forth any effort, it will be both a waste of time and money (money that we really dont have but are willing to make sacrafices if it helps).

She is eligible to get her license 12/12/08 so I have been saving $ for her for a car. The deal was that she had to make A's and B's in order to get this money to buy a car. Well, she didn't make it, but she just shrugs it off as if it doesn't matter. In addition to that, it is going to cost an additional $114 to add her to my car insurance policy. That is without adding any car, that is just for her! Well, I told her that since she is unwilling to bust her butt to make better grades (her only responsibility is to do well in school, she doesn't have chores or anything else - maybe that is part of the problem - ???) I am not going to bust my butt trying to pay that extra $ for her to have her license.

I am at my ropes end. I am at a loss for what to do. Sometimes I just wish there was a place I could send her to "fix" this lack of....what??? drive? initiative? self-motivation? desire for improvement? wanting to excel? Not sure what to call it, but she seems to have been born without it. Can that be learned, is it too late? How do you teach someone who doesn't seem to want to learn? I know I am part of the problem. We have had these same discussions for many years and I am sick of talking about it so I get loud with her. When I try to remain calm and actually talk to her, she has excuses (the book is heavy, I couldn't talk to the teacher because I had to go to my locker, my teacher's do not like me, all he does is lecture-he is boring, they don't let us take math books home, I forgot, I'll do it tomorrow, etc) and that just upsets me and I do not know what to do.

She does not have much contact with her dad. He didn't finish the 9th grade so he would not know how to help with this, plus he is just not an option (many reasons). She has stayed after school for tutoring before but it just doesnt seem to help. I think it is b/c she doesn't have the one on one attention that she probably needs (or feels she needs).

If you made it to this point, thanks for bearing with me.
Shandra

**nvmommyx6** · 11-06-2008, 10:03 AM

I also have 1 daughter who does this!
What worked was the points system I have them on here
http://www.frugalvillage.com/forums/blogs/nvmommyx6/172-children-discipline.html
I went into the school and taught the teacher about it and now she is on the points system both here and at school! She is getting her work done now because she knows she will have no privileges at school either (recess, school trips, school fun stuff) when she does not make the effort at school, she spends the time she would be doing the fun activities helping out in the office or helping out her teacher working in class! AND getting the work done that she did not make the effort to do!
Good luck, I hope this helps you!
Mommy

**onencgirl** · 11-06-2008, 10:03 AM

You need to go talk to her teachers yourself.

**Moor** · 11-06-2008, 10:07 AM

What I did with both of my teens (the other two aren't there yet) was to tell them that they would not get license or anything other than absolute needs if they did not bring their grades up.
They had to pack their lunches. They did not get any new clothes, cell phones were turned off. No friends came over, they went nowhere, tv's were yanked out of rooms, computer time was gone, they were not allowed any extra snacks or soda or such. It became a battle ground here.

Well, dd/teen, got her grades up, paid for half the driving school, AND pays her own insurance.

DS/teen, pays his own insurance, *his own policy*, paid for his driving school and bought his own car. After he turned 18.

Something you might want to look into, is that if the legal aged driver does not have a license, then you don't have to add them to the insurance. But as soon as they get a license, then you have to add them.

**wannabedebtfree** · 11-06-2008, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by Moor

Something you might want to look into, is that if the legal aged driver does not have a license, then you don't have to add them to the insurance. But as soon as they get a license, then you have to add them.

This is the case here, if no license I don't have to add her.

She inline speed skates competitatively. I have taken this away from her before and it did not bother her, she just gained 25 lbs. I need to keep her in this to help keep her healthy and exercised. Plus, a lot of $ has been invested thus far.

As of last night, she has lost phone use, tv time. For now, the only thing she has is school and the radio.

I wanted her to contact her teacher to help her learn some responsibilty. Since she didn't, I will but if I keep doing everything for her, when will she ever learn to take charge of her own life? At some point don't we have to back off and let them learn to pick themselves up? When is that point? When we keep rescuing them do they every really grow up? (now, I am speaking only about my child. There are lots of children who are doing what they should and learning and growing so I am not talking about them). IF this is genetic (her dad was the same way - still is), can it be altered (preferably without brain surgery -lol) or changed? If it doesn't seem to be IN the person, how can you help them to want it? Does any of that even make sense??? I am just kind of rambling thoughts here, sorry.

**pop goes the weasel** · 11-06-2008, 11:17 AM

Hope you find some answers. We have the same problem and so far nothing has worked. She has nothing left to take away and doesn't care. Ours has no contact at all with her mother ot her mother's family which wouldn't matter anyway they live too far away and her mother only cares about drugs.Sending good thoughts your way.

Parsimonious · 11-06-2008, 11:52 AM

What does she want to do once she's finished school?

When the situation is emotionally tense, it usually isn't a good idea for parents to try tutoring themselves. Get a professional tutor if possible, or ask somebody else from the family, if you cannot afford it. Her 'forgetting' stuff like bringing a book or asking a teacher may easily be her form of trying to avoid even more arguments of the type "But why don't you understand that?" or "I'm sure your teacher already explained that!".

By the way: May sure you do not only criticize her for her flaws, but also give her credit for her successes. An "A" in culinary arts doesn't fall from the sky

**justpeachy92** · 11-06-2008, 12:11 PM

I would call and schedule parent teacher conferences. Find out if there is any extra credit your daughter can do to bring her grades up. Set aside a time for homework/studying every night. Have her bring her books to the kitchen table and you sit there with her. While she does work you can do your own work, pay bills, meal plan, what every while being available to offer any help. If you ask I am sure most of her teachers will be willing to do this. Get your daughter an agenda, that she writes her assignments in, have the teacher sign it after she has noted the homework and then you sign it and can write down any comments/questions you have for a specific teacher.
Where I live the kids have to get a driving eligiblity form from their school, this form states that the grades are C's or higher. If the grades fall below a C the driving license can be suspended. Getting her license at 16 is a priviledge not a right, if she can't do what is expected of her she loses that priviledge. My oldest is 15, is in the process of getting her learners permit. We will be buying a car this spring that will be for her to drive. She already knows that this car will belong to her father and me and that for her to drive it she will have to do what is expected of her. Through money she has earned from odd jobs and allowance she has almost saved up the amount of deductable on our insurance, she knows this is to cover costs if she is in an accident. She knows if she gets a speeding ticket she will have to pay for it. As for the additional amount on our insurance she has been told if she is involved in extracurricular activites that will make working part-time almost impossible we will pay it, other wise she can get a job and pay her own car insurance.

**monkeywrangler71** · 11-06-2008, 12:48 PM

I have the same problems and nothing has any effect. Rewards are actually worse than punishment, she deliberately sabotages herself in order to avoid trying and failing. She is oblivious to punishment. If you take things away she just lays around. Refuses to do her schoolwork, frequently refuses to go to school altogether, and has a multitude of other problems which I will not discuss here out of respect for her privacy.

You say your daughter does not have a learning disability. Are you sure? Has she been assessed by a doctor for behavioural or mental conditions? Has she been tested for learning disorders? We tried to address this by focusing on the symptoms (poor grades, no motivation) and ignoring the underlying issues, it does not work. I put this all off as laziness for years, but the fact is, my daughter's behaviour is not normal and she needs professional help.

I would suggest you take a giant step back and try to look at your daughter's behaviour and history as objectively as possible (not easy) and ask yourself what you would think if it was someone else. Then call someone and ask for help. Your family doctor can refer you to someone, if you have an employee assistance program at work they can set you up with someone, or you can just look in the phone book under mental health and ask for advice on where to go.

Unfortunately there is an overwhelming belief in our society that the behaviour of children is a direct reflection of the quality of their parents. It makes it incredibly hard to admit when there is a problem, to ask for help, and to find that help when you need it. I sincerely hope you can find what you need.

**madhen** · 11-06-2008, 12:57 PM

Monkeywrangler beat me to it, but I was also going to ask how you know she doesn't have a learning disability. Kids are REALLY good at hiding those things. My nephew struggled and actually got kicked out of several schools. All the teachers said he had ADD. My sister took him to a psychologist and he does NOT have ADD, and he has a fairly high IQ, but he does have some learning disabilities (I believe he is mildly dyslexic, among other things.)

With my sister, the thing that worked for her was homeschooling him until his teens and then enrolling him in a charter school. His class size was very small and the teachers were trained to work with "difficult" children and knew how to motivate and encourage him. He didn't become a straight A kid, but he got solid C's and graduated.

Some people just aren't cut out for school and will never thrive in that environment, regardless of what you do. Those people may or may not succeed without formal education, based on their other skills. But I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a learning disability unless you had her tested. What you see as her not caring may be a show of apathy caused by her belief that she is not capable of doing any better.

**joyofsix** · 11-06-2008, 01:25 PM

(((Hugs))) I agree with others that she may have some undiagnosed learning issues. It also possible that either she a) has gotten so far behind she has no idea how to catch up and feels overwhelmed b) this has become a behavior pattern she is comfortable with or at least used to. You complain, she passively rebels, repeat. Is there any chance of changing the status quo? Online school, homeschool (you could make assignments, she could do them while you work), one on one tutoring if changing school is out of the question. I really feel for the kid and you.

**katybug** · 11-06-2008, 01:34 PM

I have zero advice, as I just recently became *not the child* anymore.

Also my parents made it clear that the school work would be done or else, there would be good grades or else and I would not be making excuses or else. So I had the motivation to do the work as I didn't like my TV, etc taken away.

As you have already done that, I don't know what to say. My sister was a so-so student and now is in grad school as REGRETTING it. She could have gotten *in* to more schools and had a wider choice, gotten a T.A. or something if she had only gotten better grades. She had shaped up now, but first she had to have the *outside world* tell her and not the parents.

I hope things improve, please keep us up dated!

~KB

**justpeachy92** · 11-06-2008, 02:56 PM

I do understand your wanting your daughter to become more accountable for her actions, to be more responsible. I am going through this with my 10 year old daughter this school year. She is in 5th grade, supposed to read 20 minutes a day, fill out a reading log and have the parent sign it. She does the reading, I see her read (atleast an hour most days), but she doesn't do the reading log. I talked to her teacher about this, explained I am trying to get my daughter to step up and do what she needs to do without me nagging her. So this school year each week my daughter doesn't turn in a reading log the teacher assigns her a book report to do. She has had to do 2 reports so far. She seems to have realized remembering to do the log is much easier then doing a report.

**wannabedebtfree** · 11-06-2008, 04:03 PM

Thanks for all the replies. I have had her tested...no disabilities. She has attended counseling before, didnt see a big change, she was resistant to it. One psychologist said that until I find what "works" for her, I just have to keep trying different things. Hopefully I will get there sooner than later...she is in the 11th grade. She seems positive about the tutoring (or at least she did the other night). She just rushes through her work and makes careless mistakes, doesnt study and doesnt turn in all her work. I know she is capable, she just doesnt, for whatever reason. Hopefully we can TALK about it more tonight. Thanks again for all the ideas/suggestions/imput.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 11-13-2008, 10:21 PM

Hey Shandra,

My sister was like that as I was growing up. I was the complete bookworm of the family, so I never went through it myself. My sister and my brother always did average and didn't really seem to want to excel.

Have you guys tried sitting down with her, helping her find ways to do her work or study easier, and talked to the teacher about having her sign a contract to bring home her schoolwork? If she just shrugs stuff off, the contract thing might not work but you could put as a stipulation in the contract that she doesn't get anything extra unless her grades are up to par and that includes the license.

My mom never really sat down with me to do homework, but she always went to my special events where I had honor roll breakfasts and such. I really liked that because if I always did well and always got on the honor roll, then my mom would always have such a huge interest in what I was doing. It made me feel great when I could get my certificate and have her be really supportive.

I'd suggest a rewards and incentives program too, but first and foremost I would also contact Sylvan and see what they can do for her struggling grades and motivation to get things done.