I need help with my 4yr old please

[MNmommy]

Hi everyone.
I don't know what to do anymore with my 4yr old daughter. Everytime I tell her NO she yells at me and says "yes mama you do it!" If I tell her not to do something she looks at me like i'm not even there and does it anyways. In the shower or bath I try and wash her hair cuz she can't get all the soap out and she starts screaming at me and then she hits me. If she doesn't get her way she throws herself on to the ground kicking and screaming and screaming at the top of her lungs flailing her arms and legs and if you get near her she will hit or kick you. If I tell her to go to bed (after her normal bedtime routine that hasn't changed in 3years) she screams at me because her brother isn't sleeping with her (that is a RARE occasion that my 8yr old sleeps with her) and fights me for 20-45minutes. We have tried time outs and they don't work,she comes out of them and hits me, and when she does that she goes back into timeout again until she is done. we have tried sticker chart and it was good for the first week and then she refused to do it she told me "no mama, i'm not doing that" and stomps off. How can I get control of her now before I rip out all of my hair?? Thanks

[Momto2Boyz]

4 is a tough age! We are just finishing up the horrendous 4's here at our house.

The only way we could deal with our 4 year old was to literally show him who was in charge. Time outs were a very regular thing in our house for months. He would have to sit in the corner and face the corner. We started out with a 5 minute time out. Every time he moved or spoke, he would get another 5 minutes tacked on. And we made it very clear that the time out time would not start until he was quiet. So if he wanted to throw a fit, he could sit in the corner and throw the fit, then once he quieted down, we would start the kitchen timer. Let me tell you, I swear, there were days when he sat there most of the day!

Be patient, and stick to your guns. I think those are the key things. If you set the rules, then stick to them. If she walks away from the time out, just keep putting her back in. Take away privledges if necessary. If my son still wasn't cooperative after a time out, then he'd start to lose privledges, such as TV, bike, video games, etc. It was a phase, but sticking to the rules that we set helped.

I also wanted to note, that once our son started preschool, his attitude seemed to improve too. I think being home with me 24/7 was really boring for him. Once he got into school and had an oulet, it helped. So if she isn't in preschool, maybe try to get her involved in an activity to help her channel her energy!

Good luck!

[MNmommy]

thanks for the advise ladies. I have tried very little soap in her hair too and she won't let me even get it wet. I tell her that we need to wash your hair and she screams NO and swats at me. We do timeouts with her and One day I think she saat in the corner for 45minutes. I felt bad but she just wouldn't settle down. Like she is right this second. thanks bunches

[jamie79]

you must make it clear to her who is in charge. If she is thowing a fit about washing her hair, then I would cut it really short and explain to her why its being done. Also you need to get ahold of her, meaning that if she acts that way then she loses things. Her dolls toys etc. Only kids who behave get their toys

[Dobby]

I feel for you; I work in a daycare and we have 3 in our group that are like that.

I agree with ignoring the tantrums when they're happening. What I've tried with mine (she's not really a screamer, but she's not a very good listener) is that I tell her beforehand exactly what I expect from her; what I'm going to do, and how I expect her to behave, etc. I also have a specific consequence if she doesn't listen. In her case, she loves tv, so if she gets 3 X's in a day, she loses her tv privileges for the day. It's gotten to the point where most of the time I just have to remind her and she behaves better.

The most important thing is to BE CONSISTENT. Then she'll know you mean it.

[bumplett]

can't offer much, just wanted to send you a hug.

[MommyBliss]

My youngest daughter was like this at that age and still is a bit, she just turned 8. We just put her on her bed and ignore her until it stops. It seems to work the best with her.

[monkeywrangler71]

If she is completely out of control and no form of discipline is working, you may want to ask your doctor for advice and an assessment, particularly if her behaviour is abnormally intense. There could be something more serious going on and if so you might benefit from some assistance. My daughter was like that at 4, I didn't get any help and it never got any better. She's 16 now, much, much worse and currently waiting for a psychiatric assessment with a suspected serious mental illness.

[Iansmommy]

Just remember this too will pass. You've gotten such good advice I don't really have much to add.

My DD, when she was 4 threw because she was playing a board game and lost. She laid on the ground kicking her legs and arms on the floor. She ended up dislocating her elbow. They called it nursemaids elbow or something like that at the hospital. They said they had never seen it happen from a child throwing an tantrum. Usually it is caused by pulling a child up by their arms.

[mommy4ever]

Not sure what to say. I'm sorry this stage is difficult. I second the opinion of speaking with her Dr, tho. A girlfriend had issues with her son, behavior was out of control. Ended up he was nearly blind in one eye and poor vision in the other. It came on suddenly. Once they got glasses on him, it made a huge difference, still some issues more out of habit though. It's improving leaps and bounds though.

[LastDragonfly]

I'm sorry. One of my four children was very much like yours about the hair washing. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaah! I almost was the one crying on the floor in front of her. But one day I said. "here, YOU wash YOUR hair. I will put the soap in it, you scrub it, you rinse it, but if you don't get all the shampoo out, I get to rinse it"

She handled that MUCH better and did a pretty darned good job. She was the baby wanting to be the big kid. She was just asserting her independance in a way that was weird for me.

She did throw some tantrums, (once I poured some ice water on her and walked off) she had less tantrums after that. Anyone reading this please don't think I tried to drown her. I did not. I just gave her a little dose of her own medicine. She knows that I am the boss. I agree with the other posters that urge you to seek professional help if she continues to be out of control. I also agree that consistancy will be your best ally for you all. Let us know how you are!

[nvmommyx6]

SEVERAL of my step children were that way when I got them, to the point of hitting me, my oldest daughter was the same way until she was 5....here was my selcret weapon!
http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/art...?artid=1310790

This works like a charm, you have to be consistent, but it works I promise you, I have even blogged here at FV about our experience with it, we are ALL still on it to this day and even my children swear by it and choose not to be off of this structure!!
Good luck
Mommy

[xtena]

DD went through a stage at age 3 or 4 where she hated to have her hair washed. She just couldn't bear the water getting on her face and near her eyes. Maybe it was a cop out on my part, but I ended up getting some No Rinse shampoo and conditioner. Supposedly this is the stuff the astronauts use. There were a couple of months where she didn't get her hair washed with water at all, but the no rinse kept it relatively clean, and I eventually talked her into wearing goggles so that I could give her a real shampoo and rinse.

She's 7 now and still hates showers or other situations (water parks) where water might splash her face. She wears goggles or puts a towel over her eyes when it's hair washing time.

[McD]

I'm gonna bold my comments.

Everytime I tell her NO she yells at me and says "yes mama you do it!" Remain firm. Tell her that "Mama does not reward bad behavior and you WILL NOT speak to me that way. Then walk away from her.

If I tell her not to do something she looks at me like i'm not even there and does it anyways. Repeat what you said to her. "I told you not to do that. You chose to do it anyway and you will be punished. Then either take the item away, swat her hand, or put her in timeout.

In the shower or bath I try and wash her hair cuz she can't get all the soap out and she starts screaming at me and then she hits me. Wesley hates having his hair washed too. If she's getting to that age where she can do some of it herself, tell her that she can wash her hair but that you have to help her rinse.

Reiterate to her that hitting IS NOT acceptable. When Wesley swats at me, I catch his wrist, bend down and tell him in a soft but firm voice that he is NOT allowed to hit me. I then sit him in time-out. Even if she is in the bathtub, pull her out, wrap her in a towel and sit her in time out.


If she doesn't get her way she throws herself on to the ground kicking and screaming and screaming at the top of her lungs flailing her arms and legs and if you get near her she will hit or kick you. Ignore her when she's like that. Continue about your routine and your day. Don't let her phase you because then you are giving her what she wants. She is trying to distract you and get her way. Tell her again that you do not reward bad behavior and you can't understand her when she is screaming.

If I tell her to go to bed (after her normal bedtime routine that hasn't changed in 3years) she screams at me because her brother isn't sleeping with her (that is a RARE occasion that my 8yr old sleeps with her) and fights me for 20-45minutes. Put her in her bed and leave her in there. You can set outside her room, you can check on her, but she needs to stay in there.

We have tried time outs and they don't work,she comes out of them and hits me, and when she does that she goes back into timeout again until she is done. Where is her timeout? Is it in her room with her toys? A corner? We have had to switch Wesley's time-out spot from a chair to our entry way. It has a glass door between the front door and our living room so we can see and hear him, but it removes him from stimulation.

we have tried sticker chart and it was good for the first week and then she refused to do it she told me "no mama, i'm not doing that" and stomps off. How can I get control of her now before I rip out all of my hair?? Thanks

The first thing that jumps out at me is that she seems a lot like my son Wesley. Wesley is very willful and obstinate. He is about as independent as a child his age can be. With that said, Wesley is a very good child. He listens to me for the most part. He does as he is told for the most part.

A big part of it is learning how to speak to a child with that willful streak. I would bet that your daughter is very intelligent as well as very willful. I refer to Wesley as my 'spirited child'

A big part of his behavior is based off of my reactions to him and his behavior. I try my very best to only yell at him in extreme situations (think danger). When he is acting up, a change in tone to a very firm tone usually stops him dead in his tracks.

Wesley likes to think he is in charge. So I often give him choices. If he's fighting eating at dinner I tell him he has two choices: the first choice is that he can eat his dinner and get a special treat or the second choice is that he can go to bed hungry. He still feels as if he has some control of the situation but he is still doing what I need him to do. Another choice I give is the moment he starts throwing a tantrum is to say: You have two choices. You can either get up and we can have a good day or you can throw your tantrum, go to time out, and have a bad day. What do you want to do? Some days he chooses to have a good day, he gets up and we go about our business. Other days he wants to have his fit so he does, then goes to time out.

Young children live in a world where they are told what to do, what to dress, when to sleep, when to eat, when to wake up. They sometimes need to feel as if they are in control, to feel as if they have some sort of say in their day. Giving them choices helps that.

Another thing that has helped me to do with Wesley is to get down on his level. I kneel, so I can look him in his face and talk to him rather than 'talking down to him'.

It's important to really praise the good behavior. Tell her how much you appreciate when she does something well or listens. Tell her she made you very proud when she is good. Wesley's little chest swells up with pride when I praise him and it makes him strive to do better.

Sometimes when Wesley gets to the point your daughter is (screaming, freaking out, can't calm down), we have to give him a quick swat on the buns. It gets his attention and focuses his anger/hysteria. We can then get him calm.

I get a lot of flack for how I parent my child, but he is a well-behaved, extremely bright, and wonderful child. Maybe I'm raising him different than a lot of people do, but I'm not a 'one style of parenting/discipline fits all' kinda person. You have to adjust your parenting, your disciplining, your rewards, etc. to YOUR child.

I hope it helps.

[MoonMommy]

With all behavioral rewards or punishments, you have to find the "thing" that will have the most power for the child. So....if you are going to reward them for good behavior, the reward has to be powerful enough that they will WANT it and try to get those stickers. If you are going to punish for bad behavior, you have to also find a powerful enough punisher. For example, some kids won't care about time-out however, they may respond to getting a toy taken away (time out from the toy). When my son started hitting me at around 3 years of age, I got really frustrated. Previous to that he responded really well to time-outs. They didn't seem to help with the hitting and to be honest, it was hurting me (always seemed to get me right on the face in the glasses). One day, admittedly, I got so angry and upset with him that I took a toy that I had just bought for him and threw it in the garbage. He had a fit. For him, it was the worst thing I could have done. I had stumbled on the most powerful punisher for him. So, I told him, that if he hit me, I would throw a toy in the garbage. After a few times of that, he stopped hitting me altogether and the threat is now very powerful. For another child, throwing out toys might not work.

I hope that helped.