HOw to deal with a 14yo?

**mommy4ever** · 01-08-2009, 10:30 AM

My ds14 is being a little bugger. As a whole he's a good kid. Great grades, does volunteer work, helpful at home, polite and respectful to others.

But for several years now we deal with him sneaking stuff from the cupboards, it's not out of hunger, the kid eats like a full grown man for years now. It's the junk food he sneaks.

Now, dh discovered that ds watched some of dh's dvd's, that weren't appropriate. DS has been good about asking permission for this, and these were completely inappropriate - American Pie movies.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel. I watched some pretty inappropriate movies at his age too. I don't like that he sneaked them to his room(he got a portable dvd from his grandparents) at night. Now Dh is livid. He said he is going to get a cabinet and lock away all of his stuff, and nothing of his is sacred.... and so forth.

I want to break the cycle i'm seeing. He has taken change before and took money from his sisters wallet. He has paid it back and was seriously grounded for that manoever. I don't get it.

Now saying all of that, I do remember sneaking food growing up too. Sneaking to watch shows that my parents would disagree on. I don't know that dh is remembering his childhood at all.

But I'm tired of the battles with this.

Any suggestions?

**YankeeMom** · 01-08-2009, 10:39 AM

Were one of mine to do this (they have portable dvd players too) they lose the dvd player for a loooong time. If they can't follow the rules that go along with having the responsibility of having their own dvd player, they don't get to use it. Period.

**mommy4ever** · 01-08-2009, 10:41 AM

It has been taken away. He has finals coming and he really doesn't need the temptation to stay up late watching movies, regardless what kind.

But there'll be something new that he does. Don't know what. It'll be a dumb move on his part.

How do we break the cycle? He's going to be good for awhile, then he'll pull something again.

Is this just part of being a teen????

**YankeeMom** · 01-08-2009, 10:44 AM

No kid is going to be perfect all the time. They all screw up from time to time. And yeah, they test their boundaries all the time. They are liked caged animals sometimes, checking their enclosure for weaknesses

**MamaTreadler** · 01-08-2009, 10:45 AM

I think it is. I don't know of any teen anywhere where you can expect that they will never, ever pull teen stuff. I'm not saying breaking the rules is right, I'm just saying I think the things you described would fall under the heading of "normal teen." I remember what it was like. I always try to keep that perspective (like you said you are doing) with my kids. It's so easy as a mom to get worked up because we know so much is at stake during those years. I just try to calm myself down and remember what it was like back then for me before I go and talk to one of my own.

**mommy4ever** · 01-08-2009, 11:36 AM

Ok, I was looking to see what others felt the behavior was. Dh is livid and when i tell him, I don't think we need to get too worked up, he says I'm enabling. While I'm not saying it should do un-addressed, I don't think it's the end of the world either.

Parenting teens is getting harder and harder. Especially when as parents we don't see eye to eye.

**ahmom** · 01-08-2009, 11:41 AM

I think it all comes with being a teen.
Lock up the liquor, bad DVD's and whatever.
I would edit what I tell DH.

**Ebbie** · 01-08-2009, 11:46 AM

Not a parent here, but this sounds like normal teen behaviour to me. Yes deal with the behaviour, don't just ignore it, but don't over-stress on it either. He sounds like a good kid and there is a LOT worse he could be doing.

To give you some perspective and appreciation of just how innocuous your teen is....at 14 my niece was sneaking out of her bedroom window late at night to meet up with her boyfriend, with whom she got pregnant at age 15.

So yeah...the things you've described kinda pale in comparison, huh?

**Neeley** · 01-08-2009, 01:43 PM

I've got a 15 year old DD, a 13 year old DS, plus a 15 year old and 12 year old niece who might as well be mine. What you have described sounds like normal teenage behavior. Testing the waters and seeing how far they can go comes with even the most well behaved teens.

One of mine has been really testing us for a while. We have had to come together as parents, stay united with our punishments and have each others' back. DH and I often do not agree on the punishment, but we cannot let our little offender see this. We now are trying to remember to work out our differences regarding the punishment in private. When we use to disagree on punishment in front of her, she would use it against us and to her advantage. Now that she thinks we are 100% on the same page with each other, things are beginning to improve. Good luck - parenting teens can be pretty tough, but rewarding.

**cab54** · 01-09-2009, 11:46 AM

Can you provide him with some munchies of his own, within the budget? Something he can put in his room to eat, or someplace? I can't see limiting a growing boy's food, I know mine ate a ton. It can be healthful snacks, but still....they do get ravenously hungry. I didn't consider my sons' eating stuff in our house 'sneaking' unless I had specifically said 'don't' eat this, it's for a recipe.'

The rest of what he's done--I think you've done the right thing.

**mommy4ever** · 01-09-2009, 12:03 PM

I'm so happy to hear this isn't unusual behavior that he's just being a teen. I have always felt that, but my husband has apparently forgotten what being a teen boy is. I'm thankful you've all shared with me.

Cheryl, I don't limit his food, it's the junk we limit. We've notice it as an issue with the youngest too, she refuses to eat, so we are actually eliminating it int he house, even my husband has said he'll give it up. That trims a lot off my grocery budget! I do have to do more baking, but that is fine. Baking 10 dozen cookies for less than $3 is way preferable to what I have had t o buy in junk. So that part will be limited big time.

That will eliminate temptation on ds14 part, meaning nothing to sneak. And dd5 will have to eat real food. She's eating a lot of pb&j but I'm fine with that, it's on whole grain breads, and it's real foods.

She's asking for carrot sticks, celery, and an occasional cookie. I can handle her not wanting the main supper, all my kids were like that, my husband was like that as a little guy too, but they all outgrew it.

Thanks all for your kindness!

**NewLeaf** · 01-11-2009, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by mommy4ever

It has been taken away. He has finals coming and he really doesn't need the temptation to stay up late watching movies, regardless what kind.

But there'll be something new that he does. Don't know what. It'll be a dumb move on his part.

How do we break the cycle? He's going to be good for awhile, then he'll pull something again.

Is this just part of being a teen????

This sounds exactly like my 13 yr old son to a tee. He tries one thing, gets in trouble , is great for awhile, and then falls off the wagon. I am always wondering what will it be next????

There is tremendous peer pressure to watch those movies because that is what they are talking about and no boy wants to seem like a dork because he doesn't know what everyone else is talking about. Does that make sense??

**Buc-O-Mama** · 01-12-2009, 04:45 PM

We're in the thick of this teen years here, times 3. The only point that would really concern me is the deception/theft. I'm not referring to eating too much junk without permission, but the taking of money. That, along with dishonesty will put my kids on very long lockdown with very few priviledges. Curiosity as far as movies is normal, but it's up to you to set the standard as far as what's acceptable for your family. This parenting stuff is hard sometimes.

**annymoll** · 01-15-2009, 12:00 AM

Would your husband consent to going to family counseling?I am sensing a bad trend, and not just with your child, but from your posts- within your marriage.Good luck to you. This cannot be easy.

**joyofsix** · 01-15-2009, 07:17 AM

I agree, as a mom of 16 yo dd, 14yo ds, and 13yo ds this sounds pretty normal. I would discipline as you have. Bye, bye dvd player for awhile but I wouldn't be thinking he's headed for jail. I've found that the sort of jostling for top dog between dh and ds's is mystifing to me but seems to be a 'guy' thing. Could that be going on?