Hard Watching Family Members Crash

**Kaos Kitty** · 01-21-2009, 01:36 PM

I know that people have to make their own mistakes and change when they're ready. But it's frustrating to watch when it's family members.

My sister drives me insane. She used to be very frugal and raised 2 boys and paid a mortgage on less than $800/month. Since then, she's remarried and had another 2 wonderful children. She has a better paying job, and the family income has gone from $800 to $6500/month (take home pay). But it's not enough money. She always tells me how broke she is, and her Dh spends money on credit cards that she doesn't even want to know about. They've consolidated their credit cards onto their mortgage twice. They have two newer vehicles. Four time shares. They were planning a trip to Disney World this year but airfare has been too expensive for 6 people. I said great - now you can save all that money for an EF fund.

Instead they're going to Vegas for a week (they went last year) and buying the kids quads. They just put in all new hardwood flooring in their house and bought a new leather couch set. She talks about getting a larger house. She sees the expensive homes getting cheaper, not calculating how much she's also losing in resale value of her own home. If she could afford all these things I'd be happy for her. Instead I just feel frightened.

When there are good sales on or great coupon leads from Frugal Village I tell her and email her the coupons but she never uses them. She laughed at my $400/month grocery budget goal this month - she spends $1000/month and doesn't believe it can be cheaper.

The most frustrating part is her response when sharing my good deals. I mentioned stocking up on some new flannel sheets and pillows at the 50% off white sale. Including 90% off Christmas clearance, I spent $187 but saved $287! (I also used an extra 10% off coupon and earned enough points for a $10 gift card). Her response: "Must be nice to able to spend that kind of money". What!! I have money to spend on things we need because I save elsewhere. I'm not the one going to Vegas.

I will say that she went back to work with the intention of saving half of it. But the reality is with more stress and less time, she's saving only $100 or so a month. Hard times are coming - I just hope her wake-up call won't happen when its too late. I'll keep on suggesting things. A friend might stop being friends with me - but she can't stop being my sister!

**MommyBliss** · 01-21-2009, 01:54 PM

You are a sweetheart to worry about her, but ou just have to sit back and let her do as she wants. I have a dear friend like this. They just declared bankruptcy and then bought a new car, then moved, now it's this and that. I just stopped talking to her and telling her that it's time to get it in gear and save money. All I can do is try and build up some help for her for when she does crash I can help a little bit.

**Momto2Boyz** · 01-21-2009, 02:00 PM

It's tough to watch, but you're right. You can't do anything to change it!

We watch the same thing with DH's sisters. His mom is always telling us about how they are all having money troubles, yet it seems every year they are buying new vehicles, and other new things. DH and I have been sharing our truck for 2 years, and we've owned it for 7! Talk about making it last...since it was used when we bought it!

I don't understand how they can live that way...but they don't understand how we live the way that we do either. So, I guess it is a two way street!

This makes me think of a story that I have to share: Last week, DS's preschool class met at his teachers house for a party (their school was being worked on). The teachers house was this huge sprawling half million dollar home, with very expensive furnishings. She was so thrilled to be showing it off to all of us mom's. And the whole time she was giving us the tour, I just kept thinking "What is wrong with you people!" I just couldn't imagine spending that much money on things. But I'm sure she would look down on me for living in a 900 sq ft house (although, we love it and are choosing not to move) and living frugally.
Just thought I would share that on the note that different things make different people happy. Let your sister be herself, and just try to steer to conversations away from finances & frugality (or lack thereof) if it comes up!

**lori17048** · 01-21-2009, 02:23 PM

Your right it is tough to watch. Our family is going through the same our youngest DD spends so much money. Her Jeep was just repoed and she acts like it's no big deal. She is always saying well you and Dad do so well. But she doesn't see everything we do to try to save money.

**cab54** · 01-21-2009, 02:33 PM

My sisters and I are middle aged. When we were younger and newlymarried (all of us) THEY went to fancy hotels in fancy towns, and bought everything they and their dh's wanted, showered their kids with 'stuff', etc.

My dh and I put ourselves through college, and got better paying jobs--after years of hard study. When we married, we made due with an old couch that was falling apart, a ruined house that we bought cheap and fixed up, old cars, and I used cloth diapers (and BF), and a used hand-me-down crib for both of my kids, and a used stroller.

FF to now. We are all middle aged (as already stated) and my siblings and their dh's are struggling. They have kids getting to college age, cars that are in need of fixing, houses needing repairs, are in jobs they don't like but have to go to, and the recession is hurting them deep.

DH and I have put our kids through college, paid off our house, pay for cars outright, and live comfortably.

Yet all I hear from my sibs is "Must be nice, Must be nice, Must be nice." Nooooooo, it wasn't always so nice. We watched our money, took cheapie vacations if any, saved and saved and SAVED. We did without stuff. It paid off.

Your sister will probably always be this way, and regret it when she's older, but nothing you can do.

**mombottoo** · 01-21-2009, 02:52 PM

(((hugs))) You are right it is hard watching family members be what we consider irresponsible...whether it's with money or lifestyle. Brings to mind the adage, "if you make more, you spend more".

**forHISglory** · 01-21-2009, 05:20 PM

Yep. We have the same situation. Our past choices come back to bite us........ and it's watch them being bitten.

**angelbumpkin** · 01-21-2009, 05:58 PM

You can't change your sister behavior but you can be there for if she chooses to change her behavior.

**napswithkats** · 01-22-2009, 12:50 PM

I know it's really hard (especially if it's family) to watch people make bad choices.

I've learned to keep my mouth shut and not give unwanted advice and to NOT enable (meaning I don't lend money, be a free therapist, chauffeur, or food pantry) I also don't tolerate any toxic remarks about my lifestyle (like "must be nice to be a SAHM and do nothing all day", nope it's hard work being a SAHM and stretching that money and I'm still waiting on that "sit around all day and do nothing" to happen! LOL!)

**khjmom** · 02-02-2009, 06:54 PM

I had to just walk away from a situation like this. I had a friend who was constantly asking me why I used coupons..why did I shop secondhand....why not eat out? I didn't like having to constantly explain myself, just to be told how crazy that was. We have really been working on cutting money back just in case....I know alot of school systems are cutting back big time.....and I could be out of a job. I am not worried about it. I am comfortable with how we are living...and the kids are adjusting well....the boys actually wanted snacks from home....not storebought. She doesn't get it now and she may never. She was upset today because her dh may be out of a job, and who is going to pay the bills and what about her college expenses, and groceries....and the morgage....and on and on it went. She then looked at me and told me that I should be thankful that I didn't have much because it wouldn't be too bad if my dh or I lost our job. It ticked me off so I chose to walk away. I know that I am doing the best for my family.

**sabrelvssammy** · 02-02-2009, 07:45 PM

way to go khjmom by walking away...you proved two points there.... you're not going to take it and you are a much bigger person for not letting her 'have-it' which she soooo deserved..... her comments were probably not really intended to be hurtful...and you really need to kind of feel sorry for her for her 'ignorance'....her time sounds like its coming and probably sooner than later...

i too have a sister and bil that think money grows on trees... they live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood...both have good jobs (hers in banking and his in computers) but even though her bank just got sold and they don't know if she will have a job in 2 yrs do you think they have scaled back? nooooo..... between the two of them they make $150,000 a year... and they spend $200... (that's thousand...not dollars) they are up to their eye-balls in debt...they continully remodel their house, out to eat practically every meal, buy every dvd, & gadget that comes out...their son (13) has everything he wants and keeps getting more.... and when we get together my super-frugal mom (yup..that's where i got it...don't know what the heck happened to my sister...i guess she was adopted or something)...so my mom and i like to one-up each other....and my sisters standard comment.. "i wish i HAD the time to shop around and find the bargains"... poor little baby....got the bank to let her work from home....only works 30 hrs a week...has ONE kid...and he isn't in diapers...(though some days he BELONGS in them)..... get a grip sis !

**rainbowgc** · 02-03-2009, 01:09 PM

The time to remember their lifestyle is if they take a hit, NEVER, EVER, loan them any money. Give them support and advice, but people who do this to themselves need to dig themselves out when something goes wrong.

**omalleyc** · 02-03-2009, 01:24 PM

I agree with everyone else that's it's really hard to watch someone act like that, especially if she used to be frugal! We have a dear friend who's never been frugal, but lately I just can't believe how he's behaving! He lives with his grandparents and is only responsible for his car payment & credit card payments. They cosigned on a $12,000 loan a few years ago to help him pay off his credit cards and he STILL turned around and maxed them out. They pay his insurance, his $1000 a month gas bill, give him free room & board and he informs us he hasn't paid on his credit cards in months and he's thinking of filing for bankruptcy!

I tried to help him but eventually became so frustrated that I told him I'm giving up. He can overdraft his checking account all he wants. DH & I just tell ourselves that when his grandparents pass he's going to have a hard unpleasant meeting with reality.

Keep your chin up! You can't do anything to change her, just control what you can control & that's your reaction to the situation.

Good luck!