Caught my Daughter w/her BF!

**pen32** · 01-27-2009, 10:47 AM

OK, I'm sure this has happened to everyone....but its now my turn! lol
My daughter is 14 and I caught her and her boyfriend....heavily kissing....and if I didn't walk in, I would have probably caught more!
Please don't ridicule me about them being alone and all of that, because I do supervise them. They were downstairs in the game room and I walked down to put in the laundry...
I am not the type of parent that leaves them in the bedroom alone or in the house alone...but lets face it...if they will find a way if they want to be together that bad...but i won't make it easy for them.
Anyway, my problem is- how do I handle it? I walked down the stairs and they jumped about 3 feet in the air and shuffled themselves back to normal and pretended like nothing happened. I didn;t have to say a thing at that moment because they were clearly busted. Can I trust them alone? My daughter is very open with me, but if I have 'the talk' with her and take the necessary precautions (birth control)...am i giving permission?

**nvmommyx6** · 01-27-2009, 10:58 AM

We caught our oldest (now 20) with her BF when she was 14 too!!
Hubby and I made them come out into the living room and had "the talk" with both of them!! We asked them how they were going to afford their own place, food, electricity blah blah...and then we sentenced them both to baby sitting our other 5 younger ones (one was in diapers at the time) for 2 weeks!!

They straightened they hormones out really fast!!
Good luck, I know that is a hard situation to be in.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 01-27-2009, 10:59 AM

I'd just sit down and talk to her about what happened. Let her know that you trust her to do what she wants to do, but remind her that there are consequences if her and her boyfriend happen to engage in that "sort of activity".

God, I can see myself having this talk with my 5 year old already.

Just be kind, caring and welcoming with the talk. I wouldn't make her feel like she did something wrong and leave the atmosphere pretty pleasant. If you have "the talk" with her, just show her everything that could happen if she decides to do whatever with her boyfriend. Don't exactly advocate having pre-marital relations, but show her the possibilities (early pregnancy, inability to have freedoms, etc) of what her actions may bring about.

**madhen** · 01-27-2009, 11:02 AM

They will do what teenagers do, with or without your permission. She is obviously sexually mature, so I would definitely have "the talk" with her. Now is a great time, since she knows you caught her, and she can't fake innocence. And unless you really like the idea of your daughter bringing home grandbabies, I'd definitely discuss birth control as part of that talk and give her the option.

I have a number of friends who I watched raise their teenage daughters (now in their 20's), and they all went that route and had their kids on birth control pretty much as soon as the kids became active. It isn't any kind of judgement on you. Teenagers are nothing but hormones, and they are also at the age where: a) they think nothing bad will ever happen; and b) they like to experiment. Bad combination, where sex is concerned.

I would also, however, have a chat with the boy's parents about what you saw and what you interrupted, and I would politely suggest to them that it might be time for THEM to have a chat, as well. After all, if he gets your daughter pregnant, he's just as much on the hook as she is!!

**mommy4ever** · 01-27-2009, 11:04 AM

That's a tough one. And you are right, if they really want to, they will find a way.

I think it's time to talk about birth control, I think she might be young to start on it, but if she knows other options out there, that when the time does come, then she has the knowledge to protect herself against more than just pregnancy.

I don't know about your dd school, but ds has a human sexuality class that occurs every year, and they are educating the kids in regards to protection, options and more.

I also answer any questions he might have. There are times that we are driving home, and he's asking all kinds of things, including about oral sex. Not questions I want to answer, but do, I'd rather give him an honest truthful answer than have him informed by a buddy, with only partial truths.

I don't know think you'd be giving her permission by discussing with her. You'd give her knowledge and knowledge is power to make informed responsible decisions. Kids need to know that nothing other than abstinence is true protection against pregnancy. They need to know that there is disease out there. They need to know the consequence and risks involved. IF you fight too hard against her being active, it can push her to want it more. So do it as information mostly, voice your point of view, that they aren't ready, but you can't really forbid her either, as it becomes that forbidden fruit and temptation.

Ds is turning 15, hasn't had a girlfriend yet. And we've talked about how hard it is when a couple breaks up, how hurt both can be at such hormonal, irrational ages. I think he has interest in having a girlfriend, but knows it's not the right time either.

You might need to be popping in more often when he's around, so it doesn't have the opportunity doesn't present. But they will be physical to some extent, nature of teenage couples.

**StaceyS** · 01-27-2009, 11:17 AM

Everyone has given great advice. I just wanted to share your shock. I walked in on DBF's daughter and her boyfriend too. I just said "Do you think your Dad would like to see this?" Thank goodness they were "just" kissing as well.

**Greebo** · 01-27-2009, 11:34 AM

Wait - are you saying your daughter is 14 and you *haven't* had "the talk" with her yet???

Mothers - please - DO NOT let your girls get this old w/o "the talk". My first sexual experience was when I was 15 and my g/f was 14. You can never be sure what is going on when you aren't around. She *NEEDS* to know the risks involved if nothing else!

**Debbie-cat** · 01-27-2009, 11:35 AM

I would give her the 'talk' and put her on birth control. Explain to her though that you are not giving her 'permission' but instead you believe that she is at the age where precautions are needed.

**omalleyc** · 01-27-2009, 11:39 AM

My mother had the talk with me and she got me on birth control (after she found out I was sexually active). She let me know that she didn't agree with it, and wasn't saying it was ok but at the same time she wanted me to be educated on the risks and be safer on B.C. She also made sure to mention that she wished I had waited until I was married, but since I hadn't she wanted me to be safe.

I think that's all you need to do - they know you wouldn't agree with it as evidenced by their 3 foot jump when you showed up!

Good luck!

**elphie** · 01-27-2009, 11:53 AM

I agree that you need to talk with your daughter but I disagree that it is "the" talk... it should be an ongoing conversation, not a one time thing. I also agree that she needs to know about birth control but I'd also talk to her about how the first time is supposed to be beautiful and special and that you never get a second chance to have a first time. Talk to her about the emotional consequences as well as the physical... there is no protection from a broken heart.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 01-27-2009, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Wait - are you saying your daughter is 14 and you *haven't* had "the talk" with her yet???

Mothers - please - DO NOT let your girls get this old w/o "the talk". My first sexual experience was when I was 15 and my g/f was 14. You can never be sure what is going on when you aren't around. She *NEEDS* to know the risks involved if nothing else!

Yeah my plan with at least YDS (because I'm not sure how well ODS would understand "the talk" with him being disabled) is to give him the talk right around the time he starts puberty. He's already got girlies hanging all over him and he's in kindergarten! Oy vey...

My mom never had "the talk" with me and my first experience was at 19. Go figure. I guess I'm more screwed up than I thought.

**joyofsix** · 01-27-2009, 12:58 PM

Well, don't go crazy. Hey, we were all 14 once. Continue talking openly and frankly, don't tap dance around or be embarrassed, that just makes it worse for them. Ask her if they are planning on having relations, don't preach~ give your opinion, keep supervising and see what you feel needs to be done.

**Momto2Boyz** · 01-27-2009, 01:04 PM

Whew boy! What a shock!

Ok, so I guess you will have to tailor any advice you get to what you believe is right.

But I'll lay it out for you. At 14, it is very possible that she is already sexually active. I was at 14 (hindsite is 20/20, I should have waited, but I honestly thought I was ready then).

You have to remember that kids at that age think they can take on the world with no consequences. They aren't mature enough yet to see the big picture!

So my advice to you is lay out the big picture for her. Explain that sex is a very serious thing, you only have your first time once (and you'll forever remember it for better or worse), and explain the real consequences to her.

Don't give her permission, but don't shame her either. Be open about it, discuss it with her, ask her if she has any questions and start a talk. She will probably be embarrassed, but it'll open the door, and maybe later when she is a little more comfortable with the idea she'll ask any questions that she has.

I would discuss birth control options with her and see what her thoughts are on it. Going to the ob/gyn isn't a great thought for most 14 year old girls, so she might not be interested in traditional birth control, so just make sure she knows her options and how truely important it is! But essentially, leave the decision up to her. Giving her control of her own body at 14 is the best gift you can give her. Make sure she sees the importance of birth control, but if you give her the power to make her choice, she'll start down a road of pride in her own body (and it's miraculous powers) and won't feel ashamed or weird about it all. Does that make sense??? Trying to get my thoughts into words isn't working today!

**TheRootedNomad** · 01-27-2009, 01:11 PM

My older son is 12 and we started the ongoing conversations awhile back. One of my brothers was regularly active at about 13. Never at our house but there were plenty of other places.

**YankeeMom** · 01-27-2009, 02:06 PM

Originally Posted by elphie

I agree that you need to talk with your daughter but I disagree that it is "the" talk... it should be an ongoing conversation, not a one time thing. I also agree that she needs to know about birth control but I'd also talk to her about how the first time is supposed to be beautiful and special and that you never get a second chance to have a first time. Talk to her about the emotional consequences as well as the physical... there is no protection from a broken heart.

I agree. It's an ongoing conversation. A doorway with no door, if you will. Not a door that gets opened once and then shut again.

Just keep the lines of communication open. Talk to her like the near-adult that she is. Let her know that you are there for her. But also let her know the kind of behavior you expect of her, even when she is "alone".

My 16yo kept thinking it was okay to kiss her boyfriend and lay all over him while. I put the kabash on that. He's welcome here, but don't debase yourself by acting like that.