Is my 5 year old a bully? Help!

**Cricket1** · 01-27-2009, 07:51 PM

Here's the background--lately I've been getting stories about so and so at school doing this and that. For some reason (must be because I'm a mom), I decided to email the teacher and asked her to call me. Usually when I hear too many of these stories, my ds is involved (even though he would never admit to them).

Teacher called me even before she read my email. Apparently, ds has been caught in some "untruths" and has been manipulative. He's told some kids, "If you play with Ben, I won't be your friend." "If you tell on me, I will make sure nobody is your friend in this whole school." According to the teacher, a few parents have called her about this. She said this behavior has been happening for a little over a week. Here at home, his older brother has moved into his own room (they used to share a room) and he's upset about this...misses his brother, has a hard time sleeping. I don't want to make excuses, though. Not sure if that even has anything to do with it at all, but that did happen a little over a week ago, too.

This is very upsetting to me. We had a long talk about hurting other's feelings and being kind to others. He's going in tomorrow and apologizing to the kids he told me about. I'm very nervous that he's turning in to some little bully.

Please tell me what you would do in this situation!

**IntlMom** · 01-27-2009, 07:58 PM

I deal with this off and on with my SN son....having him apppolgiize and talking about it is a good start.
I have had him write appology letters too.
One instance, which was the biggest deal of all, we took him over to the girls house and appologized for what he did (he bit her...HARD!!) and told the mom he was sorry.....he had to ask for their forgiveness and thanked them before we left.

He hasn't tried that stunt again!!

whatever you do, I'm sure it will be just what your ds needs.

((hugs))

**Cricket1** · 01-27-2009, 09:37 PM

Yes, we did have him draw a picture for both boys (too young to write a lenghty note). Thanks, Traci!

**idodna** · 01-27-2009, 10:04 PM

I just logged in for the first time today and your post is the first I have read.

If you need to hear it - I don't think your son is a "bully". He may have done some bullying - I believe all kids do try out that role, but he is being called to account for his actions - and done consistently that should make all the difference. (things like this will happen again)

I taught martial arts for 9 years (practiced for 14 - and have just recently gone on hiatus) and found that while some kids will do things because a teacher/parent wants them to - not all will and being good for some one else gets old eventually. I always asked my students to think about how they wanted to think and feel about themselves - what would they be proud for some one else to know about them - and if a particular action didn't fit with that - then they needed to eliminate it.

Young people are sponges at your son's age - don't think that a concept is too abstract or complicated for him to understand (eg. honor, pride, integrity.) Even if the idea seeps in slowly - and he grows to understand an ideal more fully with age - its never a bad time to plant the seed. In the end what he thinks and feels about himself is even more important than making you happy or proud.

Not that my opinion is important - but I think you've done a great thing by calling him on his behavior, asking him to perform some kind of restitution and letting him know that while you love him - you don't respect bullying behavior. Great Job!!

**elphie** · 01-28-2009, 01:41 AM

For my ds punishment and making him apologize for these behaviors didn't really help to curb them... he learned not to do them in front of us but not really why it was important. Open discussions about what he was feeling and helping him accurately label those feeling and appropriately express them did get through to him though.

For example when he would get frustrated with his younger sister for asking questions he felt were "stupid" we taught him to say "I don't understand your thinking, can you explain it to me?" And instead of telling kids "I won't be your friend," we say "I will be really upset if you do this, can we work it out." We modeled these types of things at home between siblings and even when we see people saying things on tv that aren't so nice.

Kids at this age have a hard time understanding feelings and they all can come across to them as frustration or anger. Just think of it this way... you don't get mad and punish him because he can't read yet; he needs time to practice that skill and he also needs time to practice empathy and dealing with his own confusing emotions.

**phoeny_moonstar** · 01-28-2009, 01:50 AM

I think what you are doing is the right thing. We as parents need to stop our kids from "bullying" others. I commend you!!

**Momto2Boyz** · 01-28-2009, 06:57 AM

While curbing the behavior isn't a bad idea, I don't think it is anything you need to worry about as far as the psychology of your son goes (ie, being a bully for life or something like that)! My 7 year old went through this during kindergarten (as did most of the kids in his class).

Kindergarten/1st grade is where kids really start to learn how to form "real" friendships. They are learning how to balance relationships and even beginning to feel jealousy about their friends having other friends.

I think you just really want to make sure that he understands that his good buddies can have other friends too. If he is specifically having issues with certain kids, it never hurts to invite them over for a play date and see how things go. If you see behavior from your son that isn't too pleasant, you at least have a first hand view and can talk to him about it!

My 5 year old starts kindergarten next year and he is a "scrapper", so I know I'll be going through all of this again!

I would also bet that his big brother moving to another room, could have triggered this. Especially a jealousy issue, he might see his brother moving on, and is worried that the same thing will happen with his friends, if they make other friends...just a thought!

Give it some time, and remember that for young kids, any type of change of routine can really mess up their sense of peace for a little bit. Give him a few weeks to get used to his brother being in a different room, and keep a discussion open about other people's feelings and I'll bet the problems subside! Also, don't forget to ask him about his feelings on everything! Kids sometimes have a hard time expressing how they feel about things, unless they are asked a very direct question!

**Homekeepn** · 01-28-2009, 08:34 AM

I have to agree with momto2boyz. I work with many young children and see this kind of thing often. For some children this is the first time they have been with their own peers in an all day setting. Socialization is still very new. I wouldn't stress too much over this, but I would monitor his behavior for any other changes. I think he does feel insecure about being left alone and this is how he is dealing with it.

You sound like you are wight on top of things. Great job and good luck.

**Cricket1** · 01-28-2009, 09:23 AM

You people rock! I'm feeling much better than I was last night. I take my job as mom VERY seriously. Thank you all for your insight. I'm going to keep on top of it, continue to discuss feelings, and just keep checking in with his teacher.

**TexasPeanut** · 01-28-2009, 09:27 AM

I'm going to jump in as the parent on the other side of the bullying issue. A few instances doesn't make your child a bully, and it's a great thing that you care so much to curb the situation now and help him make things right. Children at that young age really sometimes just do things to test their boundaries and sometimes they don't even understand the consequences of what they do.

But like I said as a parent of a child that was "bullied" to an extent from k-3rd grade, I can tell you that if you don't stop it, it will get worse. It was the same kid always doing it to mine and he started out just doing small things in kinder and then it just became worse, mainly with mean and hurtful comments. It's hard to have your 7 yr old kid tell you that so and so at school told everyone not to be friends with him because he wouldn't play tag at recess, and everyone didn't talk to him the rest of the day because of it....and have that same 7yr old kid tell you they might as well just kill themselves since they won't have friends. So as a parent of a child who's been on the other side, I do applaud you for wanting to correct the wrong and stop it and as that parent of a bullied child, I ask you to make sure it does stop for the other kids sake. So many people, including myself, always just say "kids that young..." but what a lot of people don't understand is kids that young that are on the other side of the problem are extremely effected by it.

**pen32** · 01-28-2009, 10:53 AM

has his older brother been brushing him off?
i only ask because if they shared a room, they were 'forced' to get along. now the little one missed his brother and perhaps the older brother isn't acting the same to him... not blaming him, its typical.the big brother might be doing this sort of stuff to the little brother....like i'll be your friend if you do this...or i won't be your friend if you tell mom i kicked you...typical kid stuff...
he might be trying to make friends the way his brother makes him be his friend....if that makes sense. the little guy might just be trying to make friends....but he is confused and he is not going about it the right way.

**santoria** · 01-28-2009, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by TexasPeanut

I'm going to jump in as the parent on the other side of the bullying issue. A few instances doesn't make your child a bully, and it's a great thing that you care so much to curb the situation now and help him make things right. Children at that young age really sometimes just do things to test their boundaries and sometimes they don't even understand the consequences of what they do.

But like I said as a parent of a child that was "bullied" to an extent from k-3rd grade, I can tell you that if you don't stop it, it will get worse. It was the same kid always doing it to mine and he started out just doing small things in kinder and then it just became worse, mainly with mean and hurtful comments. It's hard to have your 7 yr old kid tell you that so and so at school told everyone not to be friends with him because he wouldn't play tag at recess, and everyone didn't talk to him the rest of the day because of it....and have that same 7yr old kid tell you they might as well just kill themselves since they won't have friends. So as a parent of a child who's been on the other side, I do applaud you for wanting to correct the wrong and stop it and as that parent of a bullied child, I ask you to make sure it does stop for the other kids sake. So many people, including myself, always just say "kids that young..." but what a lot of people don't understand is kids that young that are on the other side of the problem are extremely effected by it.

I agree with Texas 100%. My daughter was bullied last year and in kindergarten with the same kind of things - you can't be friends, if you play I won't be your friend etc... she was devastated and didn't understand. It was brushed off as 'kids will be kids' and they're still young and feeling out the situations and relationships.

but then it got physical.

My daughter was beaten by her bully.

It was then that extra measures were taken, the teachers eyes were opened as were the administrators and the other mom who's "little angel" could do no wrong. An open mediation with the principal, the teachers, the supervisors that witnessed and ignored my daughters pleas for help, my dh and the parents of the bully - have straightened some things out.

Unfortunately the bully moved onto other targets.

**Nishu** · 01-28-2009, 11:04 AM

I just want to throw in my two cents... Whether or not the apology is genuine or helps curb his behavior (may be no in both cases) it's still a good idea to make him do it in my opinion. Swallowing your pride and saying you're sorry is a nice little something to have in your toolbox as is learning when it is appropriate to do so.

The timing to me seems obvious. He's probably having a hard time dealing with his brother moving out. I think you're handling it well.

**elphie** · 01-28-2009, 11:35 AM

of course he should apologize and of course there should be consequences but my point was that if those are the only steps taken then it won't really solve the problem, IMHO