Can someone point me in the right direction? (long)

**pop goes the weasel** · 04-09-2009, 07:03 AM

Because of some problems we are having with my sd we wanted to try and find a camp or something that would help her see reality for lack of a better description. She thinks life is a big joke and that no matter what she does nothing bad will happen. We have tried and tried but it doesn't seem to help matters. If she keeps going on this downward spiral we're afraid that she will end up in trouble or worse.
We thoaught after she came to live with us away from the drugs and alchol at her mothers that we could steer her in the right direction but for some reason she has her mother on a pedestal even though she found the drugs and knows her mother is in jail. ( her grandmother told her that she was in jail not us) She has had maybe 2 conversation with her mother in the 3 years she's been with us. He rmother told her that if she ever decided to live here that she would never hear from her againand she has made good on that.No support,birthdays or holidays. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

**Momto2Boyz** · 04-09-2009, 07:18 AM

I guess it depends on what kind of trouble she is headed towards. I would be careful about the "camps" for troubled teens. I had a friend when we were teenagers, and her parents sent her to one, and she came back worse than when she left. She was on the brink of trouble, and throwing her in with a bunch of drug & alcohol addicted teens and basically teenage felons...put her over the age and she started using drugs while she was at the camp. So, just a warning from personal experinece there.

I would look for something local, some sort of support system. Or even maybe take her to an alanon meeting. She is a relative of someone who is using, so she could go to those meetings. Maybe if she did, she'd have a lightbulb moment and realize that her mom actually does have problems, and she doens't want to follow that same road.

**tigo** · 04-09-2009, 07:47 AM

Sorry to hear about this. We went through something similar with a foster child that had been placed with us. Our pastor put us in touch with some folks who ran a camp but the cost was too high for us. We ended up doing family counseling (thankfully covered by insurance for the bulk of it). He didn't stay with us as long as we would have liked but the sessions helped while he was with us. Tons of hugs for you and your family.

**justpeachy92** · 04-09-2009, 09:15 AM

I second the idea of finding something local, or maybe some family counceling. I also wonder if she attended alateen meetings if that might help her.

**JustMegan79** · 04-09-2009, 10:11 AM

Hello,

First let me say that I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like sd does indeed need a reality check. When I was in school, a friend of mine was being rowdy and had the holier than thou attitude of nothing can happen to me and I can do whatever I want. Her mother called the local juvenile dentention center and they let her bring my friend down there and stay for the day. Needless to say she got herself together, but sounds like maybe that would be a "joke" to your sd.

Another past friend had a son that was on the wrong path, she was considering the camp www.outwardbound.org.

I did a google search for "behavioral bootcamps" and various search terms. There is a plethora of information available, and while none of these camps or programs are cheap, when viewed as an investment in a young persons future, well, maybe its a good idea.

I have seen programs on the learning channel in which unruly teens that are in way over their heads (drugs, sex, gangs, etc) are taken to behavioral boot camps in which they go to prisons and see what their lives can be like if they stay on the path.

I wish you luck and send you prayers in your search for answers. Check out all possibilites! Since your sd is high risk (mother in jail, etc) have you tried calling your local juvenile facility to ask for advice? Your local community services board may also be able to point you where you need to be, and often times have thier own programs for such cases, at reduced costs for those who need it.

It will be hard to bite the bullet but at this point it sounds like you are at your wits end and that your sd needs an intervention of some sort, and tough love is not fun, nor easy, but in the end, and in the future, she will thank you for it.

Love Megan

**perSue** · 04-09-2009, 10:29 AM

I'm sorry I don't know the age of your sd.
Depending on that factor, I'd definitely be leery of the camps as Mom2.. said. It can possibly send her the wrong msg... especially since you're not around!!

I'd start looking locally...
Do "normal" things together... and tighten up the rules around the house some maybe. Again, like others have said, it depends on the type of trouble you're seeing may possibly be happening.

when my bro was probably about 14 or so, he started seriously back-talking anyone older than him, parents, teachers, random adults, friends of our parents, etc. He was just being an a-one @rse... and i dont know if he ever got into drugs or alcohol... but his personality had changed. maybe he had the wrong group of friends.
but it was getting bad. being younger, I was afraid of him. heck, i think mother was afraid of him.
What'd they do? They took EVERYTHING outta his bedroom except a bed, desk & dresser w/clothes. The desk had only enough stuff for homework.

All books, tv, radio, posters, were gone. anything "cool" or that had his personality, gone. Tshirts w/rockbands, gone. ANYthing that wasn't "plain" was gone.

Mother packed it up and hid it. No idea HOW she did it all... but she did it in one day while we were at school... and lord knows where she put it all... believe me, we looked! LOL

And through "positive reinforcement" he got things back... he got privileges back, he got a radio back for helping out w/the yard work for the wkend (or whatever).

It took a LONG time - probly a yr or more for him to straighten up. He rebelled initially, we were all evil horrible ppl, he hated us & wanted to live elsewhere & was gonna call the children's services... (sorry no abuse, they dont care. he's fed, clothed, has a roof & is safe! LOL).
But eventually he caught on.

I share this because "maybe" this might be something to help. It IS extreme... but it was the 'last straw' & mother didnt know what else to do... so she did this.

i hope it gives you an idea of something you can do at home.
keep up the good work.

**pop goes the weasel** · 04-09-2009, 10:58 AM

Thanks for all the suggestions. I agree about the camps for troubled teens. And anymore you have to really be careful. I checked into oa llocal mentally challenged camp that she might be able to volunteer at. It's only a couple miles from home but I have emailed them twice and have gotten no response. I can't find their phone number. The camp has been there as long as I can remember. I never thought of alateen. We have taken everything also and it doesn't make a difference. se knows that if she wants to call cys that I'll hand her phone and dial the number for her. She thinks that she would go to her mothers. Which she won't. She has food , clothing and a house over her head and (Horrors)s she has chores to do to earn an allowance. We have a friend on the localpolice deparatment. I was thinking maybe he could help. Thanks again I knew you guys would come through with some ideas.

**pop goes the weasel** · 04-10-2009, 06:49 AM

Am I allowed to vent? Everything came to a head last night. With all the stress at work and at home, her dad's blood sugar has been dropping and he is exhausted. He came home sick yesterday and sd started again. I held my tongue until she was in taking a bath and told him something had to be done. I'm a very patient person but enough is enough. I've put up with the lieing, stealing and sneaking as long as I'm going to. And it started over believe it or not the bathtub drain plug of all things and then just took off from there. She didn't do any of her chores right and had dishes to dry while I went into the store. When I came back every dish in the cupboard was wet and he told her to redry them with a dry towel. Well she got smart with him and ended up in her room. I know all this sounds petty but this are things that are done to earn an allowance and need to be done right IMO to learn responsability. We went to the mall to get her dad a new pair of boots, she was mad because we didn't buy her a $40 video game. (Uh save your money from the chores. thats why you do them)I told her that if she acts like she did again the next time we go she will go to the car. She stole almost $50 from my EF that I have hidden, snoops through drawers in our bedroom. We can tell cause she isn't good at covering her tracks. When asked about it all we hear is "I don't care, it doesn't bother me." .......Ok i'm done now. I haven't any friends to tallk to and this is the only place I "know" anyone. Everyon is so friendly and listens. Thank you so much for everything.

**JustMegan79** · 04-10-2009, 09:38 AM

Im so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like classic teenaged behavior, with the exception of her having the underlying emotional stuff from her Mom. Kids tend to remember the good only, and it sounds as if she is idolizing her Mom, and acting out for attention. What the underlying reason is, I dont know, but I cant imagine the stress it is causing you. I will continue to pray that you will find the strength to get through this and that you will be able to find an agency or counsellor that will be able to help you. YOUR mental health is important too!

Love Megan

**rainbowgc** · 04-10-2009, 10:53 AM

Since you sd is already dealing with abandonment issues from her mom, I don't think threatening to send her away is going to help her at all. She must be feeling immense pressure as are you. Some of the things she is doing is normal teenage stuff and some needs to be nipped in the bud. I
think the suggestions of alanon - where she will meet peers in her situation, along with counseling would do her a world of good.
Face it teenagers, for the most part are all a pain in the butt with their hormones raging and all. All teens need strict guidelines!

**jmd5294** · 04-10-2009, 03:07 PM

Vent all you want!!

How long has she been with you full time and how old is she?

I do not think time away from you at a camp is the right thing for her unless you feel she is a danger to you and your dh.

The first thing that needs to happen is getting this girl into weekly therapy with a GOOD therapist.

For not doing chores- I would make it clear what chores are worth (each individual chore) and tell her that it is either done correctly, to your satisfaction, or she does not get paid. But, don't argue with her about doing the chores. If you check and they are not completed or completed, but not correctly, she doesn't get the money for that chore. There does not need to be any arguing or "making" her do her chores.

Do not buy ANYTHING extra for her. Don't even argue about it. When she asks, tell her once that is what her allowance is for, and ignore anything else she says about it.

It honestly sounds like she is in a power struggle with you and is having luck with engaging you in arguments. Arguing with a parent gives children more power than they need. It becomes a battle of wills, and that's not healthy for anyone.

Also, don't forget that if she grew up in a house where her mother was an addict, she never had this kind of parenting full time before. It is an entirely new situation, and she will test her boundaries before settling in.

Edited to add: for the money she stole from your EF, that will come out of her allowance from doing the chores. Give her the option to do extra chores to make it up, but do not force her to do extra chores to make it up. Do not question her about taking the money and give her another opportunity to lie. You know she took it, so tell her what is going to happen with her allowance now.

**mauimagic** · 04-10-2009, 03:16 PM

Everytime I hear a child say "I don't care" - I know how much they do care. My heart goes out to all of you. She is so lucky that she has you in her life.

The suggestion of taking everything but the basics out of the bedroom is a good one. At a workshop on behavior, the speaker ws relating her experiences about going so far as to removing the bedroom door until the teenager earned that back - no more slamming doors.

Raising teenagers is never easy and your is an exceptional case of a child who needs more help.

Prayers, love and support are coming your way from all over the globe - know that you are not alone and that you are so needed by your DS.