How can I find peace?

**babynurse** · 11-14-2002, 07:08 AM

I don't post very often, but I read everyday. You may remember me, I am the girl who's fiancee cancelled the wedding three weeks before the day...huge shock for me. My problem and question is how can I find peace again for myself? I have moved to a new town and have a new job, both great things, but no one knows me here and I am lonely and scared. I am tortured by the age old questions "why me" and "how could this have happened?". I know I need to get out and meet people, but 1. I don't know where to start. It's not like you just walk up to someone and say "hi, can I be your friend?" and 2. I am scared to get involved and be hurt. I feel like I am a turtle retreating back in my shell, a shell which took years to come out of (bad family history, my fiancee got me out of it). I am doing okay financially, not much savings, but almost completely debt free (student loan and car loan) but I am so unhappy and empty. I don't know how women with children deal with divorce...then again I am sure in a way, the children help ease the loneliness and fill in your time so you don't have as much time to feel sorry for yourself like I do. Any wise words? Encouragement? A "you are not a loser"? I feel like a complete failure and that now I will never find someone to share my life with. Please help!
Theresa

**MJsLady** · 11-14-2002, 09:03 AM

Theresa, YOU are not a loser. He is. Hon as hard as it is to beleive, you are better off. Would you have wanted him to marry you knowing his feelings had changed?
Now for meeting people, that will take time. If you have a faith, atternd services at a near by church.
Next time you feel like a loser, tell yourself that its "mind mumbling", useless destructive chatter. A fictional character I read of used that term, and it does work!
I know about rough family life, I didn't escape it in marriage, just got another bunch of nit wits to deal with! Dh is a rock and a helper. Someday you will find the one meant for you, but it may not be in the next year or the near future. You are doing well, you are complete as you are. Love will come when you are not looking for it.
in the mean time we are here to give you support and encouragement.

**heaven** · 11-14-2002, 11:29 AM

YOU ARE SO NOT A LOSER. I think maybe a church group would be good to join to meet people, i don't do the bar thing so i am trying to think of things other than that. Take a cooking class in the evening, or something else that interest you. Just get out of the house. go to the park or the zoo. find a divorce support group that can help with the feelings your having. GOOD LUCK dear.

**captclearance** · 11-14-2002, 04:23 PM

They have already said..... It may not seem so, but having him turn back 3 weeks before the wedding spared you the agony of divorcee later !!!! It will happen again.... I think most women would tell you they were not out looking for a husband they just sort of showed up and never went away...... LOL

**babynurse** · 11-14-2002, 04:41 PM

Thank you for all those kind words. I try to tell myself positive things, then something will happen and I fall apart all over again and it hurts as if it was yesterday. But I will try to pursue some new interests. I am interested in learning how to quilt, I would like to volunteer at a animal shelter, I just need to find out where I can do these things in my new town. I just wonder how long it will take for me to find "myself" again...my fiancee was in my life for 9 years...I don't know who I am without him...and it is agony when I hear how well he is doing and that he is moving on just fine. I do come here everyday and try to learn from all the experience and wisdom that I read everyday. My problem is I don't feel like all the rest of the 27 year old people...I am frugal, I don't like to be dressed in the name brand clothes, drive a new car, in fact I rent a room in a house to be frugal! I feel so different from most of the people my age, I don't know where to meet people like me. Oh well, guess I just keep making a living and surviving and hopefully things will change for the better someday.

**KathiS** · 11-15-2002, 05:09 AM

Get out and take a class! I have met so many of my friends in classes. Usually meet gals or guys that are more on the ball that way too. Get on a softball team. I see them playing games at the local parks and they look like they are really having fun. Volunteer somewhere that is upbeat, like the zoo or the library. I think getting out and meeting people would be great for you. If you get to feeling down, we are all here for you to talk to. I am so glad you posted. I wondered why we hadn't heard from you. God Bless, Kathi

**tigo** · 12-06-2002, 11:39 AM

I went through this too. My fiance moved in the middle of the night to another state and left me standing at the alter (literally). Didn't find out until a few months later what happened to him. It took about 6 months before I had my first really good day (ie, wasn't spent all day thinking how I goofed up, what was wrong with me, etc.). I took a volunteer position for one of my fave charities. About a year after the wedding didn't happen, I started to give dating another try. Take time to be gentle with yourself. Keep a journal of things you accomplish and good qualities about yourself. I pull this out when I am down now, but back then, it really helped me accent the positive about me to keep the negative from taking over.

**Megareader** · 12-15-2002, 08:30 PM

You are definitely not a loser...you are a WINNER!!! There is a special person out there who will appreciate you - who knows where you will meet. Maybe in the frozen foods section of the store, in a photography class, at church, in a book-discussion group at the library, in line at the bank...who knows!