haven't seen my uncle in around 20 yrs

**Dancing Lotus** · 07-07-2009, 03:09 PM

I know this is going to sound bad but it's honest.

I have an uncle who was the "cool" uncle. When I was a kid I thought he was awesome and I practically worshiped him. The truth was that he didn't even know I existed. He just tolerated me when I was around. The last time I saw him was when he got married and their only child is now 17 so Im thinking it was around 20 yrs ago. In the last 20 yrs I have never heard from him, gotta a gift or a phone call. He didn't even come to my wedding and yes he did receive an invitation.

Well low and behold he is in town and my father is insisting that I meet him. I DON"T WANT TOO. For some reason my father thinks I should I be thrilled to meet him. And he doesn't understand why I don't care. He is basically telling me I have to meet him wither I want to or not.
He told me I had a choice I could come to his house ( my dad's ) or he would bring them to mine but it was going to be one or the other. What am I 5 again? I am a grown woman shouldn't I be able to make that choice/

It's not like my uncle called to tell me he was in town. It's not like he even asked about we when my Dad saw him two days ago. Not once did my uncle express any interest in meeting me. And I have not interest so why can we just let it go?

**Ceashels** · 07-07-2009, 03:19 PM

It sounds as though your Dad is glad to see him and is welcoming him back into the family.... prodigal brother type of thing. It might be worth going for your dad's sake but let it be at his place so you can come, say hi and make your excuses to leave.

good luck

**nodmicks** · 07-07-2009, 03:24 PM

Ann I think you 100% have the right to refuse. You can happen to not be home also. Did you talk to your dad real clear about this? I'm assuming yes. I'd lay it flat out for your dad that you refuse and like you said you are not 15. Is there a certain reason your dad is pushing? Illness with the uncle etc???

If it helps you feel any better I had a favorite uncle as a kid too. I never understood why my mom (or dad or other relatives) would never let me out of her site near him, go fishing with him alone etc. Always made me so mad as he fawned on me and my cousin Kim big time and we wanted to go. Nothing like finding out at 16 when mom told me the truth (because I said I was going on his boat even if she said no) that he was a pedophile and since he wasn't banished from that side of the family we were watched like hawks.

The point of that was I understand having a fav uncle that is really a dud!

**forHISglory** · 07-07-2009, 05:06 PM

Ann, it sounds as if the relationship is not and never has been equal. You carried an image of him that was not reflected in the image he carried of you. Be it right or wrong, that's how many relationships are.

But I would suggest that you give him and his family a few minutes. If you do this at your father's home, then you can leave after a bit of conversation. If he comes to your home, then you are stuck with having to gracefully nudge them out after a few minutes. Just take the high road........

**madhen** · 07-07-2009, 07:20 PM

I guess I'm not understanding why you are so adamantly opposed to seeing him. I don't agree with your father basically ordering you to see him, but if he was once someone who you valued, and if he wants to see you again, why not give the relationship an opportunity? People can change quite a bit in 20 years, and perhaps there is a reason he wants to meet up with you again.

**strezzed** · 07-07-2009, 07:21 PM

If you feel so strongly about not meeting him, you shouldn't have to. I think you need to make your dad understand that you're not interested in forming a bond with his brother. Like you said, you're not a child anymore. Nobody can make you do what you don't want to do.

**cab54** · 07-07-2009, 07:24 PM

Originally Posted by Ceashels

It sounds as though your Dad is glad to see him and is welcoming him back into the family.... prodigal brother type of thing. It might be worth going for your dad's sake but let it be at his place so you can come, say hi and make your excuses to leave.

good luck

Yep, I was thinking this. It's possible uncle is dying or something. You never know. Wants to see all the fam while he is home. If you really can't stand it, you can leave with some excuse.

**fernykins** · 07-07-2009, 08:16 PM

I'm sorry whats the big deal...... Everybody does things they don't want to do. Its part of being a family........ I haven't talked to my uncle in 30 years but I do write him. I Would do it at your fathers house then you can go home.......Yes you are an adult so spend 5 mins with family who knows you might understand why he's like that. I have a son who is indifferent to his neices and nephews, not because he doesn't care its just his life is a little crazy and now since he was hurt in Iraq he is more into himself. It might just be his personality.
Fern

**nuisance26** · 07-07-2009, 08:33 PM

~I don't have any advice for you. I just know how stressful family 'obligations' can be and I'm sorry you're caught in the middle.~

**McD** · 07-07-2009, 08:47 PM

Ann, I can understand the hurt and frustration you feel when the rose colored glasses come off and you start seeing that favorite uncle as less of an idol and more of a human.

My uncle Geoff was always the fun uncle, the uncle who would take us out for funny shaped pancakes and let us ride in the back of the truck. He let me sit on his lap and drive. He would take me mushroom hunting in the woods for hours. He was GREAT!

Fast foward about 12 years. My uncle Greg had a brain anyeurism and was close to dying. I was just home from the my basic training and ait for the National Guard. My fun uncle Geoff wanted me to take him on a ride and I did. He pulled out weed (first time I ever saw any kind of illegal drug) out in my car on a busy street in broad daylight.

I told him that I didn't care if he did that, but I couldn't be around it and drove back to the hospital. He started screaming at me, calling me an effing b$^ch, telling me I was just like my mother. I looked him straight in the face and told him to eat shit and die. I walked into the hospital with no intention of telling anyone what happened, but my dad and grandparents knew something was wrong and asked me what happened. I told the truth. I don't know how my grandparents reacted, but I remember my dad's intense support and backing of me, no matter how I chose to proceed.

3 months later my uncle Geoff was killed in a car wreck. The last words I spoke to him were eat shit and die. My father was not on speaking terms with him either.

While I am still upset and hurt that my uncle would have placed me in such a position, I am upset that I was so able and willing to hold onto a grudge. I can't even think of any of the good memories I had with my uncle without guilt because of the horrendous things I said to him. Not only that, but I have to live every day knowing that my dad's heart is aching for being on the terms he was with his brother when his brother died, because of me.

Whatever decision you choose Ann, I hope you make a choice that you can live with. Not just for today or next week, but for 10 or 20 years out. It's never easy dealing with family, especially when they are so determined to make it hard.

**Persimmon Lace** · 07-07-2009, 10:45 PM

I would go for your father's sake and see what the deal was. Were you tons younger? There may have been a reason why he didn't give you the attention you wanted. Sometimes our memories of the past are skewed. And holding on to this all this time has hurt you more than anyone. Sometimes you have to let people off the hook for things in order to heal. Go to your dad's house and leave when it suits you.

**Drgnfly423** · 07-08-2009, 12:18 AM

Family stuff can be so hard! I don't think you should HAVE to do anything you don't want to. But think about why you so strongly don't want to see him.

"We" (meaning my mother and grandfather) don't talk to my Aunt on my mom's side. There was a huge falling out over a family heirloom quilt. Seriously, a quilt. I haven't seen or heard from her since I was 13. Sucks, but now she doesn't want anything to do with my side of the family. I would probably see her if the opportunity presented itself. I know when my Grandmother was sick with cancer she really wished my Aunt was in contact with us, but she had reached out a few times and my Aunt never responded....

Just something to think about. Maybe your Uncle is reaching out to his family, finally...like others have said, you could always meet and your Dads and then leave if you are uncomfortable.

Good Luck on making a decision!

**frugalfranny** · 07-08-2009, 01:03 AM

Oh, tough choice annk.......make whatever decision is right for you and good luck with whatever you pick.

My first thought is that your dad is one of these people that "wants everyone to just get along"......we have a couple in my family. Maybe talk to the uncle on the phone......less threatening...and ask him why no contact? This will get 'your air' cleared, also a way to find out if this is your father's idea or your uncle's and then go from there......

**phoeny_moonstar** · 07-08-2009, 01:25 AM

I would call dear old dad and tell him. "I am a grown woman. I do not wish to see my uncle. I will not go to your house and do not bother coming to mine with him." I do not like it when people try to pressure me or tell me I have to do something, especially in my own home. Stick up for yourself!

**Dancing Lotus** · 07-08-2009, 12:30 PM

I should have been more clear about a few things:

1. I am not angry at my uncle.
2. My father is not a "lets all just get a long kind of guy" He just wants to paint a perfect picture and have me over so he can say "look at my daughter, see how perfect her kids are and look at my perfect son in law".
3. My Uncle lives in Cali that is where my Dad is from. We are the ones who have moved. My uncle has been here before but only to go to Disney which is less an an hour from us and he never even told us he was here.
Bringing me to my real point.. He has never shown any interest in knowing me or my family. He wasn't' even in town to see my father or us this time either. He won tickets to the races and that's the only reason he was here. He didn't not appear to intend to meet up with us, but my Dad found out and basically pushed himself on him. So in other words why would I want to meet up with someone whom does not want to meet me.

At any rate I did plan to meet him. It was decided that I would meet them for a cocktail at the port but they never called to arrange a time. Further proving that I was right , he really didn't care.