How to Explain a 'Better Opportunity'

**Holding Pattern** · 09-15-2009, 09:54 AM

Wow, what a mess. 8 years ago my wife and I moved away from our home state of OH and went to FL for a great opportunity. We made hay while the sun was shining, saved a lot, made some wonderful memories and when another fantastic opportunity presented itself in CO, we jumped at the chance for new scenery and a less expensive economy (aka not coastal, lol)
My wife's family has equated our absence/following opportunity for a lack of love towards them. The city we came form is quite frequently on the "Top 10 Worst..." whether it is loss of manufacturing or worst place to raise a child... we're in a safe, small town and bought a house for a fraction of price elsewhere where we could financially make it.
Anyway...my wife's brother won't talk to her. Her mother gives us grief on a regular basis about how everyone's life would be different if we were there - everyone would be employed, happy marriage, and doing well just by our presence. NO, I am not being dramatic, that's the real conversation... I can't get vacation from work right now, we've offered to fly family out and they refuse. Her mom even said she doesn't want to see our stupid house, our stupid pictures, etc. because they are more important than her. How nuts.
Our problem is that when we explain better economy, better home values, lower cost of living, etc. they hear it as putting them down.
Any suggestions on how to re-frame moving for a better opportunity and no way it can be misconstrued? On top of that they swear that I promised that I would not keep my wife away for more than two years. They believed we were selling our condo and moving away on a guarantee to be back in two years? How foolish that would be...and I never ever said anything like that, lol
It's turned into a mess and as the in-law I am also the Great Satan. We even got word that MIL told other family that I was beating my wife. She did have a couple of bruises but Class IV whitewater rapids can do that to you when you get ejected from the raft...
ok, long rant there... anyone have any words of wisdom on how to subdue family?

**NikoSan999** · 09-15-2009, 10:05 AM

If you have already ran the gamut of explaining and it sounds like you have many times then quit letting it consume your life. Sure, you will still worry occassionally but don't let it consume.

Are you both happy otherwise? Kids happy? When they are gone ( inlaw family or outlaw family whatever ) the both of you and your kids will be what is left and what matters.

Sounds like nothing is going to make them happy and if you all were there with them they would be up your butts with togetherness and "in your face" and business at every turn.

"my wife's brother won't talk to her. Her mother gives us grief on a regular basis about how everyone's life would be different if we were there - everyone would be employed, happy marriage, and doing well just by our presence. NO, I am not being dramatic, that's the real conversation...
Man, what a crock. Sounds like they live their life to make your life miserable.
Sorry for being harsh there but geesh.....

**Greebo** · 09-15-2009, 10:09 AM

So you took an opportunity to make a better life for you and your wife, and her family resents you for it.

Why would you want to keep toxic people like this in your life?

**monkeywrangler71** · 09-15-2009, 10:24 AM

Her brother misses her so much that he refuses to speak to her? Nice guy. Sounds like the best part of your 'better opportunity' was getting away from her family, I wouldn't go to any great lengths to appease them.

**azangie** · 09-15-2009, 10:51 AM

Story sounds familiar. If me and my SO hadn't moved away, the family would see each other more. Apparently they can only get together when we are there? If you hadn't moved away, I would have kept my job. Where does that come from? If you hadn't moved, I wouldn't be homeless. Now we get to the crux of the conversation. If I hadn't moved away, I would be taking care of all of you. No thanks. My life is much better 2000+ miles away with an occasional phone conversation. Don't let them guilt you into this. You did the right thing and if they can't handle it, who needs it? You can love your family but don't let them control you. It's hard, I know.....

**mauimagic** · 09-15-2009, 10:58 AM

How sad that they choose to live their lives that way.

More important - how is your wife doing with all their badmouthing and negativity?

We use planned ignoring very effectively with out preschoolers. Totally ignore any behavior that you don't want to continue.' I suggest the same for your in-laws. As soon as the complaining and whining starts in any conversations ... "Whoops, gotta go" It's not cruel - it's effective for all.

glad that you take such good care of your family!!

**NikoSan999** · 09-15-2009, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by Greebo

So you took an opportunity to make a better life for you and your wife, and her family resents you for it.

Why would you want to keep toxic people like this in your life?

Exactly, and toxins kill...think about it.

**MaryCarney** · 09-15-2009, 11:47 AM

You, my friend, have become an official Long-Distance Scapegoat!!

You cannot escape your family, don't even try. You are permitted to express yourself very clearly and unemotionally one time to all involved, and then just drop it. For the sake of your relationships, marriage and mental health, just drop it.
I pretend it is static on the radio when my extended family starts on me for whatever the crisis of the week is- it's static and as soon as I get off the phone I'm tuning in another station.

As I've stated many times before, you only make yourself miserable trying to change other people's behavior.

**piney** · 09-15-2009, 12:45 PM

You will never be able to change their mind no matter what you say or do so just take care of your family and let what they say go in one ear and out the other ear.

**Cricket1** · 09-15-2009, 01:02 PM

Nothing you say will ever be enough of an explanation. Let it go. If it does come up again, it is your wife that needs to say something to them as it is her family.

**Nishu** · 09-15-2009, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by mauimagic

We use planned ignoring very effectively with out preschoolers. Totally ignore any behavior that you don't want to continue.' I suggest the same for your in-laws. As soon as the complaining and whining starts in any conversations ... "Whoops, gotta go" It's not cruel - it's effective for all.

glad that you take such good care of your family!!

I have done this and it did work, believe it or not. Someone started complaining about a family member and I abruptly ended the conversation. It became my modus operandi. Telling someone that they're wrong or that you don't want to hear it tends to get angry responses. Telling someone you have to go gets the point across without inviting a tit for tat.

I would not cut them out of my life, but that's just me. Given the distance between you, you might have an opportunity to limit the communications between you to only positive ones, which really isn't a choice you have when you live in the same neighborhood.

Don't try to argue with this woman. She won't get it.

I hope things get better for you.

**Holding Pattern** · 09-15-2009, 08:11 PM

Thank you all, thank you very much. Good to hear we're not as nuts as they make us feel. We have no kids to worry about which is why we have a few extra dollars and I think they resent that on multiple fronts. We're dealing with several things, in retrospect. The lack of grandchildren. BIL's wife left, sort of, and so they let the house and most everything in it go to auction, racked up cc bills, all that... they have always resented that even though we do we "do" less we seem to do more and have more, in the happiness & 'we own it' factor.
anyway...thank you all for understanding and for all the helpful words.

**jas** · 09-15-2009, 08:27 PM

I have nothing to add that these wise, intelligent folks haven't already said.

Do what is best for you and your wife, where you live, how you save/spend your money ect.

**Greebo** · 09-15-2009, 10:21 PM

Originally Posted by Holding Pattern

they have always resented that even though we do we "do" less we seem to do more and have more,

One day, hopefully, they'll come to realize just how profound that is.

**Rebookie** · 09-16-2009, 12:19 AM

Frankly it's none of their damn business.. And if they CARED about her they would STFU and come visit.. It's not your(wife) responsibility to guarantee happiness to anyone but yourselves.. You've got a life and you need to live it on your terms.

PS (just in case) don't beat your wife. =D

Thanks!