You are not going to believe this - part 2 - beware even longer

**Dutchie** · 11-16-2009, 02:14 AM

The first post was about my fil blaming us for the divorce of bil and psycho.
We were allowed to hear that (and a lot of other verbal abuse) last weekend.

On Thursday evening I got a phone call from my fil.
He was in tears. My mil had fallen off her bike (yes, she's 80 and still goes around on her bike). Also he had just heard that his best friend had died.
My heart went out to them both and I calmed him down. He assured me that I didn't have to come by since everything was now under control. My mil unbelievably - after falling - picked herself up and biked home and only had minor injuries. This had all happened in the afternoon. He called me around 10 pm. He said that he was going to bed and that things would probably look better in the morning.
I promised him that I would call in the morning to see how things were. Well I called and got him on the phone crying.
After a while I hung up and decided to go to see them.
I arrived there at 11 am. Mil was in bed sleeping (drs. advice - listen to your body and sleep - except for some scrapes, the shock was the worse injury - such a lucky lady - it could have been so much worse).
So I sat and talked with my fil. I made coffee, lunch etc. and then he started in a tirade against me (again).
Why I don't call every day like I used to (never have - I do call 2 or 3 times a week), why they hadn't been invited to our house for Christmas dinner last year - they had been very lonely and they are going on a cruise because of that (I have heard the Christmas dinner thing about 5 times now).

After about 30 mins. I was very angry and really had to keep myself in check. Remember this was the second time in 1 week that I had been the recipient of this and more. The subject had changed somewhat but it was further, exactly the same.

I explained - as calmly as possible - all of his problems, however regarding Christmas I became a little angry and I said to him, firstly I had been sick with a very bad flu just before Christmas so I hadn't really got much organized and I didn't even know how many people would be coming for dinner. The kids and dh had done the grocery shopping and I had cooked as much as I could but further Christmas had been a blur for me.
Secondly, I asked him if he had said the same things regarding Christmas to his other 2 kids or was I just the lucky one.
And thirdly I said to him that he could have called and asked to come to dinner. He replied that they don't want to ask, they want to be invited.
He said that his daughter ALWAYS worked at Christmas so he didn't want to bother her (yes, she has worked 1 Christmas in the last 10 years - she told me this herself) and he had said it to his other son (bil + psycho) but they had replied that they didn't have any room for the two of them.
I replied with - they can throw a party for his youngest son for 20 people but they don't have enough room for 2 for Christmas dinner (not to stay but just for dinner). I said that that was nonsense and he knew it.
By this time I was really annoyed and tried to calm down knowing that this wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't solve anything. After talking calmly with him for a while, he calmed down and he stopped his tirade. I was exhausted.

Anyhow, dh's sister called me on Sat. evening and asked if we would pick her up so that she could also go to her parents since she wanted to make sure that her mother was fine and she knew that we would be going yesterday afternoon.

Not a problem of course and we chatted. I told her about the 'talk' that her father and I had had. She groaned - 'so you got him in one of those moods. Never mind, you did fine, water under the bridge, let's hope that he is in better spirits when we are there and we will be there together, he wouldn't dare then'. Wrong!

Well everything went fine. dh, sil and I went to my parents in law and we had a lovely afternoon up till the moment we tried to leave.

Fil got a hold of my arm and said I just want to say one thing about our conversation. He said 'it is 1-1'.
I had NO idea what he meant.
I asked what he meant, he said - 'regarding invitations for Christmas you have 1 and bil had 1, I looked it up'.
I just looked at him. Dh walked out the door thinking I was following him but I was stuck with fil. Sil grabbed my arm and said let's go - fearing what was about to happen.
However fil was not to be brought from his battle. Yes, he said we keep a tally of where we go for these kinds of things and you are 1 -1.
(The fact that he is WAAYY off since I cannot even count how many times, we have had fil/mil at our house for Christmas dinner alone, never mind with the entire family - is beside the point.)
What bothered me was that he kept a tally and I said words to that effect to him.

Anyhow, I went to leave - he said - you can't leave now after saying that - you have to discuss this with me. I don't like it that you said that to me.

I said that sil and dh are waiting for me. And I left. Sil in law was flabbergasted at her father. I walked to the car in tears.
I said to them both - he has now gone too far - I will not be back. They agree with me.
Dh even said - he has to feel that he cannot treat people like this. This is the 3rd time in 7 days.
Enough is enough!!!! I've had it!

I really had to vent. If you manged to read all of this - thank you for taking the trouble!!

**Siebrie** · 11-16-2009, 04:53 AM

I'm sorry for you Dutchie, and I hate to bring it up, but do you think he could have Alzheimer's or a similar disease?

**joyofsix** · 11-16-2009, 05:11 AM

Sorry

. I was wondering too, could this be some medical condition?

**Dutchie** · 11-16-2009, 05:11 AM

Originally Posted by Siebrie

I'm sorry for you Dutchie, and I hate to bring it up, but do you think he could have Alzheimer's or a similar disease?

Thank you.
The thought has occurred to me more than once.
But how do you approach something like that?

**ladytoysdream** · 11-16-2009, 05:54 AM

(( Dutchie ))

I don't have much advice here, only a few observations.
It sounds like your FIL likes a audience. And when things don't go his way, he pouts and takes things out on someone. In this case , you have become his target.
Does your husband or his sister say anything to the Dad about his behavior to his face ? Stick up for you ?

If was me, I would be keeping distance from the FIL. Let the rest of the family visit them. You could stay home, correct ?
It's really not fair that the FIL is taking this out on you alone.
And him keeping written track of things is so sad

**Dutchie** · 11-16-2009, 06:26 AM

Originally Posted by ladytoysdream

(( Dutchie ))

I don't have much advice here, only a few observations.
It sounds like your FIL likes a audience. And when things don't go his way, he pouts and takes things out on someone. In this case , you have become his target.
Does your husband or his sister say anything to the Dad about his behavior to his face ? Stick up for you ?

If was me, I would be keeping distance from the FIL. Let the rest of the family visit them. You could stay home, correct ?
It's really not fair that the FIL is taking this out on you alone.
And him keeping written track of things is so sad

Do you happen to know my fil - sounds like you do because you have described him to a tee?
He does like an audience.

Yes, I have become his target. He tried it on dh last week too (about me) and dh let him have it verbally (in as polite a way as possible) - also sticking up for me completely. He is the one who says just to let him be for now and let him stew.
I will certainly be keeping my distance and staying home.

Sil has on a couple of occasions stood up and walked out saying to her father that if wanted to treat anyone like he was doing then it wouldn't be her.

Dh will be at his parents house this evening since he had promised to take his father somewhere. He has said that if he hadn't promised then he wouldn't go but he also sees it as an opportunity to talk to his father.

**monkeywrangler71** · 11-16-2009, 08:07 AM

Was he always like this? I know you used to get along, but were you just not the target then and others were being treated this way? Or has he just started lashing out at everyone after being a reasonable person most of his life?

**Dutchie** · 11-16-2009, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by monkeywrangler71

Was he always like this? I know you used to get along, but were you just not the target then and others were being treated this way? Or has he just started lashing out at everyone after being a reasonable person most of his life?

This started about 18 months ago and it's progressively getting worse and more frequent. As far as I can tell it's usually me, my mil or my sil who get the most of it.

**jas** · 11-16-2009, 08:23 AM

I am sorry that you had to endure this kind of tirade from your FIL.

**Greebo** · 11-16-2009, 08:38 AM

Not that it makes his abuse any easier to bear, but it sounds like he's starting to suffer from the effects of aging.

**shoiji** · 11-16-2009, 08:40 AM

I am sorry this is happening to you and your family. It does actually sound like a medical condition, unfortunately. Also see if any of his medications have any side effects. Has he been put on any new medications before the 18 month time period. It could also be some type of dementia.

**carlitasway** · 11-16-2009, 08:55 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. I go through this with several of my inlaws. Only one can use old age as an excuse. Luckily mine live out of state, though, and I don't have to deal with it as much. Last time they pulled their bad behavior on me I told them I was done and that they can talk to the kids all they want but leave me alone. I would keep a distance. Good luck!

**Luckybustert** · 11-16-2009, 08:57 AM

The fact that it just started happening would also make me question whether there's something going on with his health. And let's face it....he's getting up in years. I know it's frustrating, but he won't be around to do this to you forever. You can spend what time is left together being angry at him, or you can find a way to overcome it.

**TigerGirl1226** · 11-16-2009, 09:10 AM

When my Granny's dementia started, she behaved similarly. Anger and hostility toward that she was close with.

How to handle it?? That's the difficult part. What they did with her was call her doctor and tell them what been happening and go to the next appointment with her. They were then referred to a neurologist and other specialists.

**IntlMom** · 11-16-2009, 09:33 AM

WOW!! just WOW!!

sadly, I too agree on the medical condition..........

about now you should begin to not feel badly about steering clear of them.

sorry. glad your dh and sil were there to witness it, and all agree that you need to stay away.