Really, REALLY Need Potty Training Help

[AmyBoz]

I am at my wits end.

DS4 absolutely refuses to go on the potty. There is no medical reason he can't. He just refuses to do it.

He was wearing pull-ups and our doctor suggested that for three weeks, we just stop saying anything about it. Stop asking if he had to go, stop mentioning it at all.

So, we did, and although he didn't go on the potty as a result, he was VERY aware that we were putting the ball in his court. He'd come to us and say, "I'm wet," and we'd say, "Okay, let's go change you," and he'd say, "But you didn't ask if I had to go," or one time he said, "I told you in my head that I had to go, why didn't you take me?"

Three weeks are up and she said we should just say that Pull-Ups are over and he's to wear underwear now. Fine. It's so obvious when he has to go, because he starts complaining that he doesn't want to wear underwear and starts wiggling around. I KNOW he knows he has to go.

Example: Just now, we were eating lunch and he was jiggling around in his chair, while he ate, complaining that he didn't want to wear underwear. The kid could barely stay still. I scooped him up, and took him to the bathroom where he nearly lost his mind crying..."I don't feel it! I don't have to go!" I KNEW he had to go, but I can't force him to stand/sit and go, so I figured, okay, gotta let it be his decision. Don't want to give the kid mental trauma over the bathroom for the rest of his life.

We get back to the kitchen, he sits in his chair and says, "Actually, I do feel it", and pees all over the chair and himself.

It's not an issue of letting him run around without underwear on. The problem is that he refuses to go in the potty. I've asked if he's afraid of the potty or what the problem is and he just can't seem to articulate it. The kid is stubborn, and I'm sure most of it is a control issue, but I am completely at my wits end. I don't want to be angry and yell, but at the same time, it just seems ridiculous to let him pull a stunt like the one that just happened and say "It's okay, no big deal...let's clean you up."

I'd take any and ALL advice anyone might have for me. Physically, he is ready and can do it. Even the doctor says it's time. The kid turned 4 in February...he's going to Pre-K next year.

Help me!

[stinkbug]

I have little advise because i had girls and they were both super simple. But....I have heard people say they make the kid clean up himself/the mess with issues like you are having. I'm sure someone with boys has better advise....good luck!!!

[Jenny WC]

My personal advice would be to not do the pull ups just go to underwear. I know this can be a lot of clean up but as I asked my three year old nephew why he peed in his pull up and he replies "cause its a pull up and I can". So just go with the underwear and have him help with the cleaning up. Also try taking him and sitting him on the potty every hour for a week then move it to every two hours for a week then three hours for a week, by the end of it might help.

I hope that helps, I have worked in a potty training classroom for the last six years. And just going to the underwear really has helped.

[AmyBoz]

Jenny, Oh we're all underwear, for sure. We're on Spring Break this week, so it's easier, but next week he goes back to nursery school/daycare and they know that he'll be coming in underwear. Lots of changes of clothes that I'm packing up for them!

[McD]

Let me first share my potty-training Wesley story with you.

That kid is so dang stubborn it isn't funny. About 2 years ago, (I think July?) I decided we were going to potty train Wesley using the three day method. It focuses on pushing lots of liquids, straight underpants, small rewards, etc. Wesley was so stubborn. He screamed and cried and flat out refused to go to the bathroom. When he did go, he would just go tiny bits and hold the rest. He even stopped drinking anything because he figured out that drinking made him had to pee. He ended up with a UTI.

So I said, fine, we are done. I never mentioned it to him again. Then in September, Zac started the police academy. Wesley told me he wanted to be a policeman like his daddy. Without even thinking, I just blurted out, "Sorry, but you can't be a policeman if you wear diapers." He asked for a pair of underwear and started peeing on the potty.

Pooping in the potty was a bit harder. He would run in circles holding it in. I vividly recall the sound that came out of him when he bent over to pick up a toy and lost his 'grip'. A couple of nights later the same thing happened. He was running in circle for 30 minutes, crying and begging for a diaper. I was bawling too and finally I caved. I handed him a diaper, made him put it on. He wore it for maybe 3 seconds, took it off and went and pooped on the potty.

Since then, he has had maybe 10 accidents, and about 4 of those 10 were a result of the circumcision he later had to have for medical reasons. He pretty much potty trained himself. Your DS sounds very similar in temperament to Wesley.

number 1So, we did, and although he didn't go on the potty as a result, he was VERY aware that we were putting the ball in his court. He'd come to us and say, "I'm wet," and we'd say, "Okay, let's go change you," and he'd say, "But you didn't ask if I had to go," or one time he said, "I told you in my head that I had to go, why didn't you take me?"



number 2It's not an issue of letting him run around without underwear on. The problem is that he refuses to go in the potty. I've asked if he's afraid of the potty or what the problem is and he just can't seem to articulate it. The kid is stubborn, and I'm sure most of it is a control issue, but I am completely at my wits end. I don't want to be angry and yell, but at the same time, it just seems ridiculous to let him pull a stunt like the one that just happened and say "It's okay, no big deal...let's clean you up."

So in regards to what I marked as number 1, I would start telling him, "Yes, you are wet. Go change into some clean clothes and clean up the mess you made." At 4 he is old enough to do so, with some supervision. Right now it's a power struggle for him that you are enabling. He knows you can't hear what he tells you in his head. He's doing it for the reaction. (the sassy momma in me wants you to tell him: I told you to go in and go potty in my head, didn't you hear me?)

number 2 It is ridiculous for a stunt like that to happen. He is what I refer to as a 'defiant pee-er'. He is doing it because he can and because he wants to. I'd start givign him underpants only, no pull-ups. You can tell him he is such a big boy that he outgrew them all. And I would start making him clean it up. There is a difference between an accident and an intentional pee-ing of the pants.

Hope it gets better! It's frustrating (and diapers are expensive!)

I wanted to clarify, when I mentioned the 'ridiculous for a stunt like that to happen' I meant ridiculous for a stunt like that to happen with no recourse. that's why I advised the having him clean it up.

[triker]

When my son was 20 months old I got him a dinasaur pottychair, and I sat Brad on it every hour, whether he had to go potty or naught. Eventually he was potty-trained by the time he was 2.

When you put him on the potty have you tried running water, or giving him something to drink and see if that works. Or maybe you can have your husband help with the potty training. How old is your other son, if he is already trained how about having him show his brother how to go. Maybe that will help.

I hope this helps you.

Good Luck.


look at the bottom of the page to similar threads look at the one from bevjean dated 10-12-2006 there is a good suggestion.

[QM]

Have you given him books to sit and read while he's on the toilet? (It worked wonders for DD1 when she was potty training.) Get some good books and have them there only for when he sits on the toilet. Not only will he enjoy 'reading' the books/looking at the pictures, it will give him a chance to relax and pee.

[AmyBoz]

We have tons of books in the bathroom...his sister and brother were both no problem to train, and the books worked for them. He, however, wants nothing to do with them.

Also, he won't sit. Won't do it, and I'm not going to physcially force him to sit and hold him there. Can't imagine that would work out for anyone.

Both dh and my other ds have shown him how to go in the potty, and he's not interested.

STUBBORN.

[stinkbug]

I think there must be a reason God saw fit to not give me boys......

[frugalfriend]

I have one word for you . . . REWARD!

Actually I have more words for you, lol, but that is the most important one! I know it sounds crazy to reward him when he is acting stubborn or having accidents, etc., but I found this to be the most effective thing with potty training my three kiddos (two of them boys). I did the book, Toilet Training in Less than a Day, by Nathan Azrin & Richard Foxx, which was a great help! Let me tell ya, it took more than a day but the method was really effective. Pick a day where you can stay home and really work on potty training with him. Start a reward box and fill it with his favorite treats (inexpensive little things), like his favorite candy or cookies for example, or maybe stickers? If he just sits on the potty let him pick something out of "his" box. If he goes potty then let him pick another item and praise him like there is no tomorrow! You get the point. Also let him drink lots of his favorite drink so he has to go often! There is much more to the method (it involves using a doll and training the doll), but you could try the reward part, I think it might be just what puts him in the potty mood. I wish you the best!

[AmyBoz]

FrugalFriend...I don't want to sound like I have an excuse for everything, but we've even tried rewards.

This kid is a Wiggles fanatic. Loves them, loves them, loves them. So, we told him that from now on, he would only get to watch the Wiggles after going on the potty. His response? "That's okay...I don't like the Wiggles, anyway." Same thing with Twizzlers, same thing with M&M's, same thing with toys, same thing with everything. He just says "Eh, that's okay...I don't really like those things anymore, anyway."

We're keeping at it, however, with the reward system...I always find rewards to be better than punishments.

[wanderinggrandma]

My disclaimer is that I only had daughters and so far only granddaughters.

However I have 7 nephews. When they were "training" at my house I did two things:

Floated Cheerios in the water and let them sink 'em.

Used a grease stick pencil and painted a target under the water line and told them to hit the target. (turn the water to the tank off, flush, dry with papertowel and draw your target, turn the water back on and flush to refill)

I'm the fun aunt.

Also out here you have to be potty trained to go to Pre-K. That helped convince one GD.

[frugalfriend]

Wow, he is one tough cookie!

The only other thing I can think of is telling him that BIG boys don't go potty in their pants, ie: does Daddy? Does big brother? And that he can't go to Pre-K without wearing underwear and using the potty like all the BIG boys do, and doesn't he want to be a BIG boy too? And have him clean up any and all messes if he has an "accident".

[rudypoo98]

My mom used to tell my younger brothers that she talked to Santa and he told her big boys that wet their pants only get diapers for xmas.It worked for them and I did the same for a little boy I babysat for and it worked.His parents sure were happy.
My brother would poop his pants everyday then come say I did it.My mom had enough of it and got a tub put it in the backyard and made him wash them out,he was gaging, I was laughing at him ,he never had dirty pants after that.
Last summer my then 4 yr.old grandaughter wasn't potty trained and was going to start school so I made a chart and everytime she used the potty I put a star on it.When she peed her pants I drew a big brown poop on it.I told her when school starts if I'm still having to draw these brown things on here I'm going to take this to school and show the teachers and they might show it to all the kids.She would throw a fit when I'd draw the brown poop on it and get a chair to stand on and try to erase it.Within a little over a week she was potty trained.

[NewLeaf]

Well, I wrote a very long post, but I lost it somehow.

Here is a summary:

1. put the potty chair in front of the tv at first. Let ds sit on it and use it there just until he gets the hang of it. Then it goes in the bathroom.

2. Use a reward bucket w/small toys and treats. Let your ds pick out his own reward ea. time.

3. Check out these two videos : Once upon a potty and It's Potty time by the Duke Family Series.

4. Take your ds out and let him pick out the coolest underwear.

5. It's ok to ask him to clean up after himself,and change into clean underwear.

6. Let him call a character or hero when he goes potty. My dh pretended to be Elmo. (His coworkers got a real kick out of that ha ha)

7. Have Santa write ds a letter saying how proud he is of ds

8. When ds is ready to sit on the Big Boy toilet let him pick out a cool potty ring.( the kind that sits on the toilet seat)

9. Have all the potty books around that you can find

10. I promise he won't be graduating from high school in pullups!!!


P.S. using the doll that wets is a great idea. we did that too.