mother in law rant - will lead to questions

[sahm2boys]

Hi
i was on here a few month ago about taking over my mother in laws bills and income..

got the brother out..yay! for now

still working on things..both the 1st and 2nd mortgage are one payment behind..canceleld the internet when they didnt have a computer..cancelled the fathers cell since he passed in oct. got a re payment plan on cable and electric..still paying for a cell phone n the house phone...house phone is contract cell is not..she has a fit that when i want to cancel it ..b/c (the real reason) she is too lazy to go from bed to living room...$45 a month service..so when her May SS check comes in im getting the phones that have a main base and 2 others and putting one in her room and canceling the cell..thats my plan we will see..(only has one jack in the whole house)

she also did a repayment plan on her own to the SS for the dble payment so thats 180.00 a month for 12 months..no wiggle room to catch up the mortgages but she is no longer in foreclosure status..

i think there have been 5 credit cards and 5 pay day advances...things are attaching to the house. ..attorney letters and judgements...no money to pay...and she act surprised every time she gets a letter or call...??? she got mad at me because she was still behind on the house..so i broke it down and told her IM not using our money that pays our bills to fix her crepeat screw ups...but that i will pay with what she has...she does run out of money about the last two weeks of month and im footin the bill on groceries and cigs...ugh!!! but luckily its about 30 a week..which i gave her 40 allowance..but its "her can you go early this week?" twice a week and calling me every day..i refuse to go every day or every other day..her stuff is for the week like i shop..she is really getting on my nerves...i have never been involved in their life and vice versa...they were horrible to me before..and out of 5 kids im helping..y???

she is only eating sandwhich stuff nothing else i buy so thats all i buy now and cigs and dog food..i am trying to surrender the dog to a rescue..it was the fathers dogs...the house is covered in dog poo, mucky brown stuff..smells awful, looks awful..she wont leave the bed...she calls me everyday with BS..she left a message this weekend that there was a emerg..i call back its for the no good brother to borrow $10 for gas...ugh!!

she called me friday for stuff..told her i will be there in 2 hours..im come in tripping over dog sh&^ and she is laying in the bed with NO PANTS ON!! and doesnt act surprised doesnt cover up...nothin

my husband goes by today cause she is nickin since i only bought her 2 pks of cigs for the weekend.(since im paying for it) .the grass is waist high..the house is still nasty..and she is in the same tank top and NO PANTS!! she wont change, she wont get out of bed, she wont clean, wont do laundry, wont take a bath, wont move!

husband says something and her response is it her Fn house..husband responds he doest care he is managing the bills get your A$@ up and put some pants on!
i was also informed by another sibling that she is supposed to be on a ton of meds..diabetic..she is on oxygen

anyways..i would like to get the medicaid application..list the house and do the screening to get her approved for a state nursing home but i know that it would get ugly and i think she would not quailify because she can do things but chooses NOT too..any advice on the medicate, state nursing home, screenings? please?

Thank you

[ktsmama]

I don't have any advice, but I will surely say a little prayer for you!!

Good luck.

[jas]

Wowza! You have a lot to deal with from her. How old is she? Has she just lost all will to live since her dh has died? Days on end in the same or no clothes that is really sad. It sounds as if it will only get worse if you guys don't lay down the law with her. It sounds as if you are working on that though.

[frugalwarrior2]

Bless you for your efforts and patience. She needs a psych. eval IMHO. The dog needs to be rescued as he is obviously not being cred for properly. She doesn't sound like she should be left alone. Where are the other kids BTW. Has she burnt them out.?

[mek42]

Could there be a major depression issue going on that needs treatment?

[frugal.lass]

I'm with many of the other posters who mentioned depression. Not bathing, not dressing, being irritable, dramatic changes in eating habits...are all signs of depression. Obviously, I don't know her so you have to take my opinion with a grain of salt, but if these are changes you've noticed (or if these habits have gotten worse) since her husband passed, she probably needs to be seen by a doctor for a psych eval.

I know that mental health issues can be touchy but having been there myself as well as having dealt with many friends and family members going through that, I know its horrible to deal with.

Whatever the situation is, good luck and you're an amazing person to be sticking around and helping her.

[sahm2boys]

she is not a nice person..i think her bad habits are showing more because the husband is gone...they were not close..ill be honest he had gfs..and she has always been a reclose..stuck in bed..never goes any where..no dr license, no ambition to go anywhere or do anything..

she is early 60s

i just sent a email to 2 siblings requesting $20 a month donations. the other two, one is completely worthless..the other selfish and refuse to help..always say they are broke..both sets still owe on the funeral but wont help but in the same breathe one goes to ALL the races..$$ tickets and $$ rv spots..the other is penniless wont work an honest days job

this woman has burned bridges repeatedly with her kids except the worthless one..he is the matter of all the debts but will not work nor help

[starsapphire]

You might consider getting a social worker involved, adult protective services or something. Call around, do you have a referral hotline in your area or a community center? They should be able to refer you to some sort of help. G/L

[sahm2boys]

i am in contact with a doxie rescue
checking available foster homes now

[sahm2boys]

You might consider getting a social worker involved, adult protective services or something. Call around, do you have a referral hotline in your area or a community center? They should be able to refer you to some sort of help. G/L

well i would like to call social services to the house
but now i am involved and dont want to get blamed or charged with the state of her and her house

i mean all i do is get the mail, get the check, manage the bills and groceries...can i get in trouble for the state of her and her house?

[Contrary Housewife]

She is an adult and is legally responsible for herself and her property, until you get a court order saying something else. If social services is doing the job right you should be able to explain how you have tried to help her but just cannot manage it, and you will not be blamed for her condition.

She obviously (to me) needs her meds (if she has diabetes) and someone professional to watch her who is up to dealing with her moods. She may not need a nursing home, just assisted living, where she is checked on every day.

[fairydana]

well i would like to call social services to the house
but now i am involved and dont want to get blamed or charged with the state of her and her house

i mean all i do is get the mail, get the check, manage the bills and groceries...can i get in trouble for the state of her and her house?

What do you mean blamed or charged with? She is an adult. She has made choices that have gotten her where she is today, whether she is depressed or not.

It really does sound like she does need some kind of mental help and it kind of sounds like maybe she has always needed it. There is no shame in that.

You are doing what you can by managing the money and keeping her fed and with a roof over her head. Im not sure but I dont see where you could be blamed for how she is living.

My biggest concern is for the puppy. If you do find someone to take the puppy how is she going to react?

Big hugs to you. Hang in there. I cant imagine how hard it must be to be dealing with this kind of mess.

[Natalie's Nesters]

I'm sorry that you are in the middle of this mess. You're a much better person than I am, I would of told her off. Best wishes to you, and hug your kids. They always make me feel better!

[mauimagic]

This is a very sad story - Although the choices she's made really irritate me - can't help think that it's such a waste of a life. She's my age - there's a whole lot more to life IMO - I would not worry about what she feels about the dog being gone - she is certainly not taking care of it - cruelty to animals.

I'd definitely contact social services.- I had to do that when my father passed away - she definitely needed support and I was not going to take on the responsibility of someone I barely knew.

Take a deep breath and come up with a plan as to whom you will be calling first. It's in everyone's best interests. And then please let us know what's happening.

[Jerseygirl]

You can call the local mental health hotline and they should be able to connect you to a crisis center, generally a local hospital that can walk you through the steps for getting charity care, helping to sign up for all sorts of services, take care of as much of this as you can on the phone to make sure you don't get there and have them not have the services you need. You'll need to present it as an emergency, "I fear for her well being, she may do something crazy" and get her to go in for an evaluation (tell her you are taking her for cigs) They will then give her a full psych and physical evaluation. From what I have read this could easily be early dementia signs, or if she's not eating properly etc. an underlying physical condition. Good luck!! I'd also like to suggest if ya do go through with it to do it at a time when you have a few days, so if they can hospitalize her for a few days, you can spend that time dealing with the house issues without her there.