Always something - I am very sad about this....
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 23
  1. #1
    Registered User Dutchie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Rotterdam, the Netherlands
    Age
    55
    Posts
    987
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    12

    Default Always something - I am very sad about this....

    The great thing about this forum is that I can say things on here that I cannot repeat in my 'normal' life because I am sworn to secrecy.

    On Friday evening we were to go to a wedding reception. It was for our nephew and his new wife. They had been married in Las Vegas on Dec. 31st at midnight (local time in Holland - 3 pm Vegas time). Now they were giving a reception/party to celebrate the wedding.
    We were quite excited about this and were looking forward to it especially since we had followed the wedding ceremony live from Las Vegas on line.
    Our entire family would be at the party.

    However, at the last minute we didn't go and now the entire family is really p.... off at us. Even our daughter is annoyed at us because everyone kept asking her where we were.
    We got some news on Friday just before the party and we just couldn't get ourselves gathered together enough to go out and celebrate. The wind was blown out of our sails.

    Now our family is not the kind where you can say, we would have loved to have been there, believe us, but we were exhausted and just couldn't do it (this was our explanation - best we could come up with at short notice).
    They would say - you couldn't even come for an hour - it is so close to your house (and it is).
    We just couldn't face everyone and we were sworn to secrecy.

    This is what happened.
    Our oldest son and his wife weren't at the party either because they are on vacation. They went on vacation to try and patch things up between them (no one knows this except for both sets of parents). Just as we were going to leave the house to go to the party, our son called and said that the attempt to patch things up has failed and that he will be moving out of the house as soon as they come home on Thursday. (Once again both parents are the only people who know this.)
    We knew how bad their problems were but we had had hope that they could figure something out. Not even our other kids are aware of how bad the problems are. They know that things are not all that great between them (our son has been to stay with us a few times saying that he needed a break) but they don't know exactly how bad or what the reason is.

    They have only been married since Sept. 2009.

    As you can imagine neither of us were in a celebratory mood so we decided to stay home.

    For now I am of the opinion that I really don't care what the family thinks. They will know the truth eventually.
    Avril



    Mom to Laurens (32), Timothy (29), Dimmen (26), Lloyd (25) and Fiori (23).
    Grandma to Charlie, born April 5th 2013 - so he's now 1 year old.

  2. #2
    Registered User Dutchie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Rotterdam, the Netherlands
    Age
    55
    Posts
    987
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    12

    Unhappy

    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchie View Post
    The great thing about this forum is that I can say things on here that I cannot repeat in my 'normal' life because I am sworn to secrecy.

    On Friday evening we were to go to a wedding reception. It was for our nephew and his new wife. They had been married in Las Vegas on Dec. 31st at midnight (local time in Holland - 3 pm Vegas time). Now they were giving a reception/party to celebrate the wedding.
    We were quite excited about this and were looking forward to it especially since we had followed the wedding ceremony live from Las Vegas on line.
    Our entire family would be at the party.

    However, at the last minute we didn't go and now the entire family is really p.... off at us. Even our daughter is annoyed at us because everyone kept asking her where we were.
    We got some news on Friday just before the party and we just couldn't get ourselves gathered together enough to go out and celebrate. The wind was blown out of our sails.

    Now our family is not the kind where you can say, we would have loved to have been there, believe us, but we were exhausted and just couldn't do it (this was our explanation - best we could come up with at short notice).
    They would say - you couldn't even come for an hour - it is so close to your house (and it is).
    We just couldn't face everyone and we were sworn to secrecy.

    This is what happened.
    Our oldest son and his wife weren't at the party either because they are on vacation. They went on vacation to try and patch things up between them (no one knows this except for both sets of parents). Just as we were going to leave the house to go to the party, our son called and said that the attempt to patch things up has failed and that he will be moving out of the house as soon as they come home on Thursday. (Once again both parents are the only people who know this.)
    We knew how bad their problems were but we had had hope that they could figure something out. Not even our other kids are aware of how bad the problems are. They know that things are not all that great between them (our son has been to stay with us a few times saying that he needed a break) but they don't know exactly how bad or what the reason is.

    They have only been married since Sept. 2009.

    As you can imagine neither of us were in a celebratory mood so we decided to stay home.

    For now I am of the opinion that I really don't care what the family thinks. They will know the truth eventually.
    After posting this I noticed that my avator photo is the one taken on my son's wedding day.
    Avril



    Mom to Laurens (32), Timothy (29), Dimmen (26), Lloyd (25) and Fiori (23).
    Grandma to Charlie, born April 5th 2013 - so he's now 1 year old.

  3. #3
    Registered User mamamia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    orig. from NYC now N.Cen. FL
    Posts
    1,748
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    19

    Default

    Aww Dutchie! You were stuck in between a "rock and a hard place". But you did what you thought was best for yourself and family, and that's just what'll have to stand. What's happening with your son's marriage is a very hard blow, and one that is so very sad. Remember, we can't please everybody, and to tell you the truth, if your relatives were put into your situation, chances are they would've done exactly the same. My guess is that once the situation surfaces, they'll begin to understand and hopefully be there for you. You need support, not anger.

    Sending you hugs and hope for a good outcome!

    Theresa

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    2,582
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    9
    Rep Power
    23

    Default

    have they exhausted all options? have they sought professional counseling?
    baby step 2- see blog for actual amounts

    "stop being a victim, you are a perpetrator, taking things without paying for them is stealing, you are not a victim, you are a perpetrator. PAY THE PEOPLE YOU OWE, pray for the people you owe, and make it right. " hard nosed AA person, thumping his big book, addressed to me in AA meeting 7/30/2013

  5. #5
    Registered User Lady_V's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,298
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    13
    Rep Power
    28

    Default

    Avril,

    As much as I like the sneak peek in to 'de zaak van de familie'... I hate when you are hurting.

    You have been the strong stone for the family through a lot of things... you are entitled to a moment to yourself.

    The family, your family, will always find something and/or someone to complain about. That just seems to be the way they are.

    They will get over your absence, if not they have the compassion and understanding of a flea. Anyone who stops to put their family first will understand... self-centered people have no cure, so don't go crazy trying to smooth things over with them... you'll only be wasting time, energy and sanity.

    I'm sorry to hear about your son. I know how happy you were about the wedding. Divorce happens to good people. Maybe they can just legally separate (if that's possable there) and have a chance to live apart without the perminent solution.

    Make a cup of tea and hug yourself.
    I can't be out of money... I still have checks left!

    Momma to the Diva
    Old Lady to the Old Man
    My Blog: http://frugaldomesticgoddess.wordpress.com



    Making Yule
    Samantha x2 (1/2)
    Christopher x2
    Mom x2
    Larry x1
    Dave x1
    OldMan x5
    Diva x11 (1/11)





  6. #6
    Registered User Lora88's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    new jersey
    Posts
    1,025
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    1
    Rep Power
    14

    Default

    So sorry it didnt work out I know how you feel as my eldest son was only married 18 months when his marriage went under its sad for all concerned but sometimes it is for the best. This happened in 2001 my son took some time to get over it but now is fine and in fact getting married June 27th to a lovely girl so keep your chin up
    Married to Manny 25 years
    Self-employed with our own property management business E3 property solutions
    4 kids Rob Tom Jen Manny jr

    2 great inlaws Kelly and Jason

    a big bernese mt dog and a fluffy pomerian Loki and Foxy my fur babies

  7. #7
    Registered User Dutchie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Rotterdam, the Netherlands
    Age
    55
    Posts
    987
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    12

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ladykemma2 View Post
    have they exhausted all options? have they sought professional counseling?
    I think it best that I tell what the problem is.
    My dil is an alcoholic and she does not see any problem in the amount she drinks.
    Let me just say that I am in no way a prude and I love a glass of wine (or 2) as much as anyone. I am the mother of 5 kids in Holland.
    I have seen it all (and more).

    But the amount she drinks is irresponsible. Sometimes she drinks more than a bottle of wine in one sitting and then wants to drive.
    It has even been known for her to drink 3 bottles of wine in one day.

    At one point she was so angry at my son because he had hid the wine after she had drunk an entire bottle within a couple of hours that she stormed out and drove to her parents (about 1 hour away). I swear she had an angel sitting on her shoulder that evening because nothing happened.

    He parents think that they 'have a communication problem' and they should see a counsellor.
    Our son tried this and even made an appointment but she refused to go because she doesn't think that there is a problem except that my son is a stick in the mud.

    A few weeks ago our son came to the house with a suitcase announcing that he had to get away because of what had happened.
    It seems that when our son came home from the office that evening at around 6 pm, she had already been at home for a couple of hours and had drunk herself into a stupor. He had tried to pick her up to bring her to the bathroom because she had started to throw up. She started to fight him off. When he came to us he was covered with scratches and red marks. We said to him that he should go to the police and report her. The trouble with our son is that he has a big heart and is a gentle soul and didn't want to do this because he still had hopes that everything would turn out ok and didn't want this to 'count' against her.
    We took photos of his injuries - just in case.
    Avril



    Mom to Laurens (32), Timothy (29), Dimmen (26), Lloyd (25) and Fiori (23).
    Grandma to Charlie, born April 5th 2013 - so he's now 1 year old.

  8. #8
    Registered User daughter of pearl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    I live in an eastern suburb of Toronto in Canada, near Lake Ontario and lots of park land.
    Posts
    569
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    17
    Rep Power
    9

    Default

    You're poor son!

    This is truly a terrible situation, and one in which he needs to separate to save himself.

    I have a grown son who is an addict, and it is hertbreaking to watch, because in the face of someone else's addiction, you are completely helpless.

    Blessings for you and everyone concerned!!

  9. #9
    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Maui, Hawaii
    Posts
    19,114
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    57
    Rep Power
    113

    Default

    So much sorrow - totally understandable why you could not go to the wedding reception. We cannot control the actions of others, only our reactions. You did the right thing for you and do not have to make excuses. Please don't put any energy into placating those at the reception. You are people of integrity and that says it all.

    Am so sorry for all that your family is going through - take strength in your love for each other and the Lord.
    No spend days: J 9/16
    Monthly exercise: J 165/930
    Monthly savings: J-202, F-186,M-170,A-154, M-137, J-118, J-102, A-86, S-70, O-54, N-38, D-28

    “Decluttering isn't just simplifying your life. It's having a vision, setting new priorities and using those notions to get rid of obstacles.”
    — Peter Walsh
    __________________

  10. #10
    Registered User KentuckySaver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    London, KY
    Posts
    61
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    5

    Default

    I feel like you did what you thought was best. I don't blame you one bit for not going. Not at all. That would have bustedd just about any parents plans of anykind for the evening. And like you said, once they all know what happened they will understand I'm sure. If they don't....Who Cares ??? You did the right !!

  11. #11
    Registered User Rhiamon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    459
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    10

    Default

    That is afull. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

  12. #12
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    2,408
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    23

    Default

    I love MM's quote about not being able to control other people's actions only our reactions. So true!!!
    I would also like to say I grew up in a very judgemental home and married into a very NON judgemental family and am so much healthier for it. I am so sorry you are being judged. Since you were not in a festive mood, I think it was a very good idea to stay home.
    My dh was married for a very short time and then I met him. In September we will be married 35 years.

    Tell your ds that it is better to be happy. That is most important for him.

    As for your family judgemental opinions; ignore them

  13. #13
    Moderator IntlMom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    I.O.W.A.!!!!!
    Age
    44
    Posts
    3,714
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    3
    Rep Power
    25

    Default

    ((HUGS))

    I am so sorry for your sorrow!
    :

    Traci

    dh 20 years
    ds 14 ~ Russia
    ds 14 ~ Russia
    dd 6 ~ China

  14. #14
    Registered User savininfl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    49
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    I am so sorry you are going threw this but know it is for the better. I would definetly call your nephew personally and tell him you apologize for not being there but something happened and someone else needed me etc.. that it will all come together another day. You don't have to tell him a reason but at least a phone call would make him feel that you didn't bail on him. I wish your son the best of luck!

  15. #15
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    648
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    8

    Default

    I think that calling your nephew to explain that you had a family emergency that prevented you from attending would be a good thing to do. And I think your son is doing the right thing - I can only imagine how awful it is to have this happen just a few months after the wedding, but it will get worse the longer it lasts, and it is abusive to your son to stay in this relationship. Alcoholism is a terrible addiction, I have seen many examples in my family - several of my aunts married alcoholics, and it was hard on them. Only one of the husbands finally cleaned himself up, bless him, but it took many years. Your son needs to think of this as a nightmare that he is waking up out of. It will be unpleasant for a while longer, but given that this young woman is drinking so heavily at a young age is a very bad sign, and your son is well out of it. I feel so sorry for him, and for you, but I am certain that you will get through it.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •