I'm about ready to say the heck with family

**ansley** · 06-21-2010, 01:51 PM

My mom promised to go to DD's dance recital. Then just hrs before the recital she said she is going to a cookout at my cousin's instead. She tells DD that she is just too tired. She wasn't too tired to go to an outdoor cookout and help with it.

The next day she calls and wants us to go to her house (about 45min away). Okay, I had a very busy weekend and she knew it and I had told her I was planning to just go to church and then crash but we got up and went. While we are there I find out that she has let a friend of a relative move in for free. Not really my business but this person has stolen meds and money from my mom in the past and has been known to do drugs. My mom wants my DC to stay with her a few days but I asked her what happens to my DC if her house gets raided while they are there? I know, I know but I don't want to upset relative (this is a close relative). Later mom tells me that my older sis said mom spent more time with my dc while we (mom, her dc and her dgc) were on vacation. That sis's dd slept with my mom plus mom probably did spend more waking hrs with my dd because sis's dd spent most of her time with another relative's dd that is a yr or so older. It got so bad that my DD said she would just play with her imaginary friend (she doesn't have an imaginary friend).

During the vacation I talked to mom about something that the others wanted to do that was very disruptive to my family. I asked her to help me with it. Her idea to help me was to say what the others wanted to do in front of everyone and then say, "That is okay with you isn't it". That kind of put me on the spot. It wasn't that I wanted her to be the bad guy; I wanted her to help me with smoothing it out. Instead I was a party pooper. I told DH that we should go on vac on our own or not go at all next yr. The main problem with that is then they will all be mad at him thinking it was his idea.

Things have changed so much since my dad died.

Thanks for letting me vent.

**mek42** · 06-21-2010, 03:03 PM

Hope everything goes as well as it can! Good luck!

**krbshappy71** · 06-21-2010, 03:17 PM

I got lost with the "DC" abbreviation.

Family sucks sometimes!!

If the vacation will help your family then too bad if they are mad thinking its his idea. Sometimes you have to put your own family first. Hugs to you.

**akolb** · 06-21-2010, 03:26 PM

i think i need a flow chart to understand who all is involved in this...totally lost w/ dc, dgc etc...

**ansley** · 06-21-2010, 03:41 PM

Thanks, I was just venting. I know I do stuff that irritates them too.

I am a little concerned about what the conflicting values will do to my DC. I also worry about what will be going on at the house while my DC are there. If we let them go.

ETA:
DC = Dear Children (I have 2 boys and 1 girl)
DGC = Dear Grand Children (my mom has 9 total, 3 boys 6 girls)

On vacation it was my mom, her 4 dd and their SO/DH and then all the grand children from the 4dd + 3 greatgrands.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 06-21-2010, 04:26 PM

I'm so sorry that your mom's being this way. I can understand how much people change after a prominent figure in their life passes away. My grandmother passed away and right after it happened, all of her kids started fighting with each other and treating each other like crap.

I would tell her how you feel; that things have changed a lot and not for the better since your father passed on. See what her reaction is. If she blames everyone but herself, I'd suggest it to her that she seek some counseling and find the real cause behind all of her behaviors.

**mndtrp** · 06-21-2010, 04:27 PM

The abbreviations around here get to be a bit much. I thought DC was "dear cousin" or something.

I hope your alphabet can get something worked out.

**Rhiamon** · 06-21-2010, 04:58 PM

I am sorry you are going through this I know how hard family issues can be. For me I had to just tell my mom I was not going to do this anymore and that I didn't want to talk to her. It broke my heart and was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but it did wonders for my mental health. Hope that everything works out for you.

**ansley** · 06-22-2010, 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by mndtrp

The abbreviations around here get to be a bit much. I thought DC was "dear cousin" or something.

I hope your alphabet can get something worked out.

Sorry, I got most of my abbreviations from the five in a row crowd and thought they were common.

**ansley** · 06-22-2010, 08:48 AM

I know what her biggest problem is and as she keeps reminding me, I'm not there yet but will be one day. I hope I have the strength to practice boundaries and tough love.

**Darlene** · 06-22-2010, 09:30 AM

No way is your dd to go there when someone you don't trust is there.
" My mom wants my DC to stay with her a few days but I asked her what happens to my DC if her house gets raided while they are there? I know, I know but I don't want to upset relative (this is a close relative)."
Why even ask your Mom and who cares about upsetting the other relative? If your Mom wants to surround herself with a thief & druggie well have at it but your dd won't be around. No way, no how. You are an adult and don't need to please your Mom or anyone else. You see a situation is wrong you don't need to discuss it, the answer is no. Stand up for yourself especially where Mom is concerned. I really am not trying to be mean and maybe I'm not seeing things clearly but from here it looks like you really want to make nice especially where Mom is concerned. If something comes along and you don't like it or want to do it just say you don't.
It wasn't nice of your mother to change her mind at the last min. and you are holding those feelings in. Not that saying anything would change your mother at all but I'm guessing you go along with alot of things and just stew and this kind of thing especially where Mom is concerned has been going on forever. Your Mom was creating drama with telling you about your sister & she did it again when she put you on the spot with the group.

Take time for you and yours and it's ok to say no. Family drama, anyone's family (mine included), can only be drama if you play the game.
I wish you strength to make the changes in how you deal with your family. big hug.

**ansley** · 06-22-2010, 04:03 PM

Darlene, you are soooo correct.

It was a rhetorical question to make her think. DH and I have already talked about if the "friend" is still there that our children will not be. DH said he would tell mom if I didn't want to but I told him it was my mom, my responsibility.

My mom implies that I am asking her to choose between us. Maybe I am but it is for my children's good, just like her keeping me from my uncle that was an alcoholic.

Mom didn't used to be like this. I think that is what makes it so upsetting.

**BlissMommy** · 07-07-2010, 08:06 PM

Hugs, I totally feel for you. I think you are doing the right thing in the end.

**Jessesbride** · 07-13-2010, 06:16 PM

Originally Posted by ansley

My mom promised to go to DD's dance recital. Then just hrs before the recital she said she is going to a cookout at my cousin's instead. She tells DD that she is just too tired. She wasn't too tired to go to an outdoor cookout and help with it.

The next day she calls and wants us to go to her house (about 45min away). Okay, I had a very busy weekend and she knew it and I had told her I was planning to just go to church and then crash but we got up and went. While we are there I find out that she has let a friend of a relative move in for free. Not really my business but this person has stolen meds and money from my mom in the past and has been known to do drugs. My mom wants my DC to stay with her a few days but I asked her what happens to my DC if her house gets raided while they are there? I know, I know but I don't want to upset relative (this is a close relative). Later mom tells me that my older sis said mom spent more time with my dc while we (mom, her dc and her dgc) were on vacation. That sis's dd slept with my mom plus mom probably did spend more waking hrs with my dd because sis's dd spent most of her time with another relative's dd that is a yr or so older. It got so bad that my DD said she would just play with her imaginary friend (she doesn't have an imaginary friend).

During the vacation I talked to mom about something that the others wanted to do that was very disruptive to my family. I asked her to help me with it. Her idea to help me was to say what the others wanted to do in front of everyone and then say, "That is okay with you isn't it". That kind of put me on the spot. It wasn't that I wanted her to be the bad guy; I wanted her to help me with smoothing it out. Instead I was a party pooper. I told DH that we should go on vac on our own or not go at all next yr. The main problem with that is then they will all be mad at him thinking it was his idea.

Things have changed so much since my dad died.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Sometimes we just have to be the "bad guy"... & let them know that this is not for your family. & if they have any problems, then it's just that... THEIR problem. They can like or not. Realize that these are ppl that are yours to deal with (we all have them, believe me, you are so not alone on this!) & either you rip that bandaid off or you are stuck dealing with other people who will not protect your family... only YOU will do that. If they try to tell you (or anyone else) that it's your dh's fault, let them know that it is a family decision for what is best for YOUR OWN FAMILY.

& realize that you can never please everyone, so do yourself a favor & do NOT make yourself crazy & just keep you & those you live with in a great state of mind! Hope that helps!

Kim

**frugalwarrior2** · 07-13-2010, 10:00 PM

Hugs. i went thru this w/ MIL when the kids were little. We would travel the hour to see her and she had gotten drunk between the time we talked on the phone and our arrival 45 min. later. She wanted to slobber drunkenly on the kids. DH was used to it but I was the bad guy. My kids didn't understand when we left cuz' Dgrandma had gotten "ILL". All the drunken Disneyland promises. No drunk was going to drive my kids around.
Say NO.