I am SO angry!!! (very long Sorry!)

**heavensent_7** · 12-09-2002, 04:50 PM

I am SO angry! I am angry at my estranged husband and I think I am even more angry at myself!

I'm not even sure that this is really the place to be sharing this but I just have NO ONE to talk to and I think I might burst!

The history: I have been with my current and 3rd husband for 6 years, we have been married for just 1. He wanted to get married and I wasn't sure as I had already been hurt too much, too often and our relationship was very on/off from the beginning, and I already had 3 children who had all seen too many insecurities. Anyway we had another 2 children together and he assured me he loved me, it would work etc etc.

Every story has two sides and I am not (by any means) an easy person to live with, I have clinical depression, an eating disorder, short temper etc etc. BUT he will not discuss or share ANYTHING.

Anyway he left AGAIN but he didn't really say it was over? He needed time to think, was stressed, couldn't work out how to put things right and so it went on. He's been seeing the kids when he wants to, coming round, e-mailing and phoning and even sleeping with me! He took off his wedding ring (and I really knew in my heart our relationship had died) BUT he allowed me to work all this out for myself! And now we've had a massive row and he's turned into a poliet business type person with me. He won't discuss anything, he just left!

I am so hurt and angry, I am 37 I wouldn't put my kids through any more broken relationships and from the ppl I've spoken to on line anyway (men) I wouldn't want to!! I really believed in the fairy story and I'm just all alone and I feel like my life as a woman just ended! If I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself I am! I'm hurt, angry, bitter, and more angry.

I'm also sure none of this makes any sense now

I'm really sorry to rant on and if you got this far, thank you for bothering but I had to speak to 'someone' even if it was my computer!!!

I'm still steaming but running out of things to try and make any sense of it all and concious that I'm now using precious space.

I apologise

**heaven** · 12-09-2002, 04:56 PM

Rant all you want if it make you feel better. Trust me i do it all the time. DON'T aplogize for it.
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hope everything works out for you.

**heavensent_7** · 12-09-2002, 05:05 PM

I already booked an appointment to see my solicitor on Thursday, I know this is childish but I did it because my husband was here and I was 'showing' him how angry I was!

The very stupid part is, we really don't have a future together, looking back on it I don't think we ever did. But I don't WANT it to be finished either??? I'm really not sure why? I'm so sick of being a single mother and now I have FIVE kids, I really wanted someone to share things with. I think life is shallow without that, I like my own company but I'm not good at being alone (that doesn't make much sense does it?) Maybe I don't really know what I think and should just shut up! I know we have hurt 'each other' too much for this to go on. It IS over, but I'm having a VERY hard time accepting the truth AGAIN. I feel like other people can do relationships and I've failed, I've failed myself and my children and more than once! I'm so miserable right now

**heaven** · 12-09-2002, 05:13 PM

Trust me I know. Thankfully i have no children With the idiot DAH. He does treat me like the stuff under dirt, but i can't seem to get him out. I did kick him out, but he worked on me until he wore me down and i let him come back. I fully understand just where you are. remember no matter what your feelings are they are yours right or wrong it doesn't matter, accept them. I am totally at the other end i want to be alone. I really think we have to as women learn that we can be alone, and we can be happy that way. JMO!!! You are not a falure, You just took a few wrong turns, nothing said you have to stay on those roads you can turn around or take a short cut and start over. Sorry your feeling so bad. (I was the same way didn't want to get married but did it anyway! Don't beat yourself up. over it, hope you feel better.) and as for calling i would have done the same thing.

Hang in there.

**captclearance** · 12-09-2002, 09:42 PM

I'm sorry you're hurt, you can rant here anytime you need to.... It's not just your computer your ranting at, we're real people and we really do care.... I hope you find the peace and happiness you and your children deserve !!!!!!!!!!!

**KathiS** · 12-10-2002, 04:24 AM

Sorry to hear of your problems. We are here for you. Things always have away of turning out for the best. Please feel free to lean on us any time.

**SewCrafty** · 12-10-2002, 07:36 AM

Oh heavensent_7, I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. Rant and rave all you want. We are here for you anytime.

**Darlene** · 12-10-2002, 07:54 AM

Originally posted by heaven
You are not a falure, You just took a few wrong turns, nothing said you have to stay on those roads you can turn around or take a short cut and start over.

Well said Heaven.
I'm glad you are seeing your solicitor heavensent_7 .He/she can give you information on where to go from here and what might be in your best interest to take care of. I'm sorry this is happening. Hugs to you and and your kids.

**TheCottageRose** · 12-16-2002, 03:49 AM

Bless your heart...men can be cheesey chits! Can I say that word here?

Clinical Depression needs to be treated so if you don't have meds, get some, you sound so clear of thought and are very well spoken, so I think you have defined what your concerns are and are well able to deal with them.

My thoughts, and you can take or leave it, not meant to offend.

I'd take a break from men.

do NOT sleep with that man who left your house acting like you were an emotional pile of trash....do NOT give him the satisfaction of seeing you torn up. Be cool, business like, coy and DON'T let him touch you !!

Your gonna have to get behind yourself and your kids and let that be your priority for a while.

If this is the 3rd time around, my guess is you are making choices you know aren't right, then trying to make it fit the situation. Men are weird enough to deal with when they are loving and giving and sane....Don't let another one rip your guts out.

Get some counseling... so you can know what you are doing to yourself....and so you can teach your kids the right way to view themselves.

It is obvious to me from your posts you are very intelligent , so take a look at your strengths and build yourself up....and keep men at a distance for now....this is ALL about YOU and your KIDS for a while yet.

Hugs, precious one, you are worth the time and patience it takes to work this out.

**heavensent_7** · 12-16-2002, 04:43 AM

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for your post - it was like a Great Big Hug! I really appreciate it.

There have of course been updates to this story - Well plenty, as I am swinging between thoughts every minute of every day!

I do understand everything you have said (and in my heart I know it to be true) but also in my heart I AM hoping to make the situation 'fit'. (If I was an outsider looking in, I would think this was absolute maddness BUT...........)

I don't think my husband and I are suited much at all, the way he won't discuss anything, ever, infuritates me! However he is thoughtful and his kids love him.

Nobody meets your (ok my) wild expectations after the initial fire has worn off and I can't keep moving on and on. Now I have kids I don't want to be alone AGAIN. I want my children to have a loving and stable home and at least some of them to have a father! I also know that we can't have everything we want and my kids will have a Daddy whether he lives here or not. So maybe it is just purely selfish? The fact is, It is very hard to live with him, but I can not cope without him. Especially at the moment, being Christmas seems to make it all worse, We have bought separate presents for the kids, I did the shopping and decorations and planning alone, people have sent ME cards, which upset me and others have sent US cards which also upset me?

Basically I have grovelled and crawled around him (not really my style at all and thinking a HUGE mistake!) But I really do want him to come home.

My reasons - I don't know? I know him, I don't want to start over again, I want to be able to make a relationship WORK, maybe some, maybe all, maybe more, I really don't know I am so confused.

My father used to tell me I had many strengths and one day he had faith I would do something wonderful. I didn't think to ask him WHAT they were and now that's too late. I know I'm probably whinning now but I do feel ugly (inside and out) useless, and unloved.

I really want to do what is right but it doesn't always seem that simple. I can't face the rejection I am feeling and I have an unhealthy need for him to still want me.

I'm beginning to confuse myself a bit now LOL. and I'm boreing you too much, so I'm going to go and hide under a rock somewhere

I do really appreciate your support (all of you!) and I'll keep you posted - until you request I keep my mouth shut LOL

**heaven** · 12-16-2002, 12:19 PM

i think therapy is the best thing you could do for yourself. They can help you understand what it is that keeps you there. Sounds like you are feeling beaten down, You said you don't want to be alone again but maybe that is what you need, to figure out what is going on with you. take sometime to figure out what you like and don't like, (that was a huge thing with me, I survived for my ex husband and children and didn't know who i was or what i wanted with life. YOU are SO SMART and ARTICULATE, and no matter what you chose we will be right here for you

As always JMHO....

**nealy** · 12-16-2002, 12:38 PM

Good Luck, these things can be very difficult, I can only say that there was a time where I thought my husband weren't suited for each other and I wanted a divorce. But after thinking about my circumstances and my child, I realized that with a lot of work and counseling we could come together and have a marriage. In the beginning it was very difficult, I felt betrayed, distant, and I even felt sorry for myself, I put myself in the martyr position,(ohh poor me sacrificing my life and potetial happiness for my family)But these emotional traps don't help, I trusted my couselor and my commitment to try, only with my husband's complete devotion to the same cause of course. My point is I understand where you are, I wanted my son to have a "traditional" home. I killed me to think of my son being hurt over my problems. What ever you choose to do I send my blessings. I would recommend dropping the sexual part of your relationship so you can keep a clear head and pull away emotionally for awhile. It helps to keep things in perspective. We are here if you need to vent again.

Nealy

**heavensent_7** · 12-16-2002, 12:51 PM

You are all so kind, not only to take the time to listen to my ravings but to offer your help and support as well. All to what ammounts to a total stranger!

I am so fed up that I am 37 and I don't know my own mind and my life has hurt so many others. Mostly the people I really care about! I thought I had it all sussed at 16 LOL - I wanted the fairy story = leave school, get engaged, get married 'till death us do part' have a family and REAL love (some people's nightmare no doubt but that's how it went in my head)

My life has been the exact opposite of my plans and the hardest part to live with is you can't 'go back' and change what has already been.

I have never felt such love and kindness as I do here and it feels real, which is good enough for me!

I LOVE this place - and I LOVE you all - Thank you!

**heaven** · 12-16-2002, 02:59 PM

NO you can't go back. but that doesn't mean you can't go on. I personally find that thinking about things that can't be changed doesn't do anything for us. Think about what you really really want from and for your life and go on from here. that statement "TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE" really does mean something if you think about it. GOOD LUCK DEAR. we are still here if you need us. HUGS> AAJMO.

**Daphne** · 12-17-2002, 09:42 AM

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. I wish we could just snap our fingers and make it all a better place and situation for you but we can't. I totally understand you feeling down on yourself, that is ok - we've all done it and it helps for awhile. But you do have 5 children who need their mom. You can be strong for them and for yourself. Alone time is ok and it's amazing how much you will learn about yourself and the things/people you thought you needed just might end up being something you never needed. It won't happen over night and it might not happen as soon as you think it will or want it to but happiness will come to you. Speaking to a therapist may help you. There are many people out there to talk to you and you have us here too!

We are here for you. You will be in my thoughts and I wish nothing but lots of love and happiness to you and your family. Please hang in there and be strong- I know you can!