Anyone ever have DHSA (Dear Husband Separation Anxiety)?

**MomToTwoBoys** · 10-26-2010, 01:56 PM

So we've been faced with the decision to have DH commute every weekend to work, then come back...

then we had to extend it to every other week.

He'll be living with his parents up north and work for two weeks, then come home on the weekends that I need to get groceries and take care of other errands.

Now I was all for and okay with this, but it's starting to stress both of us out. We just simply cannot afford the $100 a week in gas to come back, and that doesn't even include the gas money from his parents to his work. I've been looking at reducing bills for a while to make this work, but I think the separation is going to be worse for us.

I was married once before and my ex-DH went to Japan for 11 months. That did not go over so well. I had a lot of variables that ruined that marriage while he was away. This time, it's not like that. I'm very socially isolated and in a different family situation now.

So how do you cope when your DH/SO is gone for weeks at a time? Does it get any better?

**Ceashels** · 10-26-2010, 02:29 PM

I don't have any experience in this situation but I hope you are able to find a way to reduce your stress and make it work. I can't imagine it being easy for you or him.

hugs

**Mamaof2rugrats** · 10-26-2010, 03:03 PM

My DH is active duty army and gone for a yr at a time frequently. It's a fact of life. Hard as hell and I love and miss him very much. Nothing makes it easier really.

**imagine** · 10-26-2010, 03:07 PM

We went through this every time Hubby received a promotion, etc.

He moved up and I sold the house and finished teaching the year out etc. Have done this several times.

We lived half a state away from each other for a year when we were engaged.

It does get easier.

Is this a temporary thing? or is there no end in sight? Having a known end time does make it easier. In my opinion.

I also did all the errands even with kids in tow while he was away so we could just enjoy the one on one time and/or the family time when we were able to get together.

When again this seems normal to me my father was away for business/education except for every other weekend when I was 13 years old. I remember we would wait up late for him on that Friday night and have a special family dinner right before he left every Sunday afternoon. I remember that year fondly.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 10-26-2010, 03:35 PM

It's just until the house sells. I told him it'd be harder if the kids were littler. But they're old enough now to help me out around the house. The one thing I have trouble with, though, is being able to sleep at night in that bed without anyone else.

**imagine** · 10-26-2010, 03:40 PM

Originally Posted by MomToTwoBoys

It's just until the house sells. I told him it'd be harder if the kids were littler. But they're old enough now to help me out around the house. The one thing I have trouble with, though, is being able to sleep at night in that bed without anyone else.

Only until the house sells that is good news. Here is to hoping it sell fast and for a good price

A pile of pillows on Hubby's side of the bed helps. I found I also like the radio or tv on at night when he wasn't there. The sleep function on the radio or tv was nice so it didn't have to stay on all night.

I'm sure it is easier with the kids being older and can help.
I had a 15 month old the first time I stayed behind to sell the house with children.

**frugalwarrior2** · 10-26-2010, 05:19 PM

We did it for 120 days on and off this year. DH in Bermuda. IThe location was most upsetting to me as I could not "reach" him in times of trouble. He could not e-mail from work.
I suggest you get a webcam. I helps to see the person. Also,sometimes I would let the pets sleep w/ me. Just nice to have a presence in the bedroom.
You prob should set up a routine and take a class,join a group.
I started to become angry because I was lonesome. Good luck.

**bonnotsm9** · 10-26-2010, 05:57 PM

Yes, for the past 3+ years. Up to two weeks away, I can take. Three weeks at a time is a quite a bit too long. Dh is in a schedule now where he's usually home every weekend.

Having a routine helps, as well as getting out a bit. We're on a tight budget, so can't get out just whenever, but do go somewhere one night a week plus a longer trip for errands every other week.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 10-26-2010, 08:07 PM

I figure that it'd be ok if my 7 year old crashed with me sometimes. I have an alarm system, so we're ok as far as safety is concerned. He's taking his laptop with him and it has a built-in webcam. I figure I can get him signed up to Windows Live Messenger and use that program. I have the unlimited long distance on the computer and I can call him, plus he can call me from his parents place using the same thing.

I know it's only temporary and I have been on my own before, but this time, it's driving me nuts.

**mamachop** · 10-26-2010, 08:40 PM

For the current minute, my husband is a pilot. We are facing the same problem it is either going to be a life of him commuting or him leaving his job to do something else. We have to make a decision in roughly two weeks. It's very scary to think about losing a paycheck, but at the same time, we have two young children who need a Father and Mother in their lives. If he was to commute, our quality of life as a family would pretty much be non-existent. For us, moving to chase a flying job is out of the question. All of my family and his are here. I could never imagine living anywhere else.

**JerryG** · 10-26-2010, 09:48 PM

Never had DH separation anxiety. Had / have SO separation anxiety. He would leave AZ for the entire summer, which can last five months or more and go camp out in MT, WY, CO. The only word I would get from him was thru the mail or when he made it into the nearest town to do laundry - three + weeks sometimes.

I've gotten used to it and would / will just go into 'work' mode. Our reunions were so wonderful tho.

**freebs** · 10-27-2010, 08:28 AM

Yes lived it for several years, there was no work for him in the area that we lived in so he moved back to the area of where he grew up and worked there. I could not move to there as i was working a job that you could not quit. So we visited every other weekend. sometimes it would be a month before we visited. Now after getting a job at home he was still gone for a month or 2 at a time traveling out of state for that job..lol i always had a spotless house as that was all that i did, sleep some, eat and work...lol

**Lindsey** · 10-29-2010, 05:50 AM

I know a lot of military wives who sleep with their kids in the bed while their husband is gone and the kids go back to their rooms when daddy comes home.

I don't do that...in fact, I like the bed all to myself! lol
I do have to have challenges though. The first deployment, I learned to decorate cakes, got debt free, had a baby a month after he left (on top of the 2 year old), learned to sew, started a play group for my area and volunteered.

And each deployment I have done something else challenging that I could focus on.

Maybe start a new hobby? Good luck to you guys!

**AnW819** · 10-29-2010, 11:16 AM

hugs! you know I have never had to be without DH for longer than a weekend, but when I am without DH unless I am at work, I get bad anxiety. Like when DH goes to work at night, I suddnely miss him so much and I get bad anxiety =/ and thats only for the night!!! I hope you feel better.

**HisDaisy** · 10-29-2010, 12:14 PM

One summer my dh had a job traveling all over the country. I was in grad school so I couldn't go with him. He would usually be gone for a week at time, return for a 1 or 2 and then off again. It was a long summer, but we get used to it.
I did get to travel with him a little and that was fun. We also spent a lot of time on the phone and conversing via email.