No more clutter from MIL please!

[daylily]

When I was a young mother, I had a lot of control issues with MIL. two of DH's sisters and an aunt. They would say very hurtful things to me and I cried many a tear over it.

We homeschooled and had to deal with their negatives opinions of that. I had breasfed all three kids and they didn't agree with that, told me I was starving my kids and other ridiculous opinions.

We were very careful about our diets, i.e. no junk food, no eating between meals, etc. They would actually slip candy to my older two and tell them it didn't have sugar in it! They would bring it to me and tell me and ask me if that was true. It was sad for me to tell them that grandma or auntie had lied to them. (as a side note, all three of my adult kids have thanked me for training them to not eat junk food and to not eat between meals, saying they appreciated not having to deal with those bad habits as they grew up.)

DH would tell me not to pay any attention to them but it's so hard when every thing you stand for is being attacked. But as I got older and more confident (I was married at 17 and had my first baby at almost 19), I began to care less about what they said and be less intimidated by them. They saw that I stuck to my guns about everything I believed in and now, it's funny but the aunt (who was the worst) and one sister actually eat the way we do!

So, I said all that to say try not to worry about it. Just stick to what you believe in and do it no matter what MIL says or does. Explain to your kids why you do what you do and they will be on your side.

[Spirit Deer]

If she babysits for you a lot, she has a vested interest in your kids. It's only natural she will voice opinions, since in effect, she is co-raising your kids with you when they are in her care so much of the time.

In thinking this over some more, I think the best thing you can do is work on yourself, not her. I don't mean that unkindly, so please don't read it that way. But you need to teach yourself not to care if she doesn't approve of your daughter's school or whatever. It's like getting a critique for something you've done. Take what you can use from her remarks, and learn to let the rest go. Learning to do that one thing will reduce the friction between you and her enormously.

Part of that is learning to take things at face value. When she says she doesn't think you should send your daughter to a particular school, what you should hear is "I don't think you should send her to that school" rather than "You're a bad mother and you're doing everything wrong." MIL probably doesn't mean anything more than she doesn't like the school, and even if she does mean she thinks you're a bad mother, why go there? That's not what she said, so don't translate it into that. Thinking she really means you're a bad mother may mean you're questioning yourself as a parent, which all parents do sometimes. If you think her comments have merit, take some time when she's not around to examine the facts unemotionally and see if she may be right about some of what she says.

Someone said to pick your battles, and that's good advice. Stuff like donating unwanted gifts is an easy, painless way to solve a problem. Maybe you should be saving the big guns for stuff that really matters.

[LuvMyHubby]

I adore my MIL, but she too will give stuff that we sometimes cannot use, it makes her feel like she is helping us. So, we either give it to someone who can use it or donate it if we truly do not want it.

Perhaps during the year have your children and yourself keep some of the new or gently used items in a box and then add some food items or a GC to a grocery store and then adopt a family in need during the holidays and then other stuff just quietly donate to good will or what not and myself I do not see the harm in letting them keep a couple of items from their grandmother, it is part of the memories they will cherish when she is gone.

As far as her being opinionated well that is all it is her opinion, as long she is addressing them to you the adult and not your children, smile and nod and then continue doing what you are doing your way.

Big ticket items like a flat screen.....no problem.........send her my way, I'd enjoy having a couple of luxury items that I cannot afford.

[erinalexmom]

I will say that she does not babysit for me very often at all. I have a babysitter for my kids but she just sometimes helps out when my babysitter is unavailable for whatever reason. She sometimes goes months without seeing my kids.
I can get rid of things that she brings but I just cleaned my sons room and she is coming over 2morrow and I am going to show the beautiful room to her and tell her that I dont want anymore clutter (in a nice way ) and I will try to not let her opinions get to me as much but I will not lie and say that I wont try to avoid her when I can She is a VERY overbearing person. She also tells her opinions to my kids. She told my 5 year old daughter herself that she was wearing Nazi clothes by wearing a school uniform

[Spirit Deer]

I had a difficult MIL, too. It's not pleasant. We ended up moving a couple of hundred miles away and that helped a lot. We moved for a job opportunity, but once we were gone, we agreed never to live in our hometown again. For which we caught a lot of flak from MIL, but we got really good at ignoring her unwanted opinions and stopped allowing her to be a booking agent for guilt trips.

We set down boundaries for MIL, which my husband and I agreed on beforehand. No going into our bedroom and searching through our dresser drawers. No calling at three AM to lecture us because we, being young, were out playing cards with friends and weren't home to receive a call earlier. That kind of thing.

We did have to tell her, if she did not stop using racial slurs in our kids' presence (they are of another ethnic group than her) we would make sure she never saw any of us again. We meant it and she knew it. She didn't change her racist views but never used slurs in our presence again. Sometimes you have to play hardball, but that's what I meant about picking your battles. She used to buy our kids toys that were completely age-inappropriate, like buying toys clearly marked for a three-year-old when our kids were eight or ten years old. We just smiled and said thank you and then got rid of them. It was harmless and not worth getting worked up over.

[erinalexmom]

Thank you Spirit Deer!I have really taken your words to heart I am working on alot of things in regards to her that will bring me some peace. I LOVE the "booking agent for a guilt trip" hilarious and right on about my MIL also!

[gmarie]

interesting thread, thanks!

My MIL is very similar. She is a spender, and she loves to give us stuff, especially food. It annoys me - I am an adult and don't need bags of food from her cabinets every time we visit. Not to mention that most of the time it's junk food and packaged things we try to avoid! But, I am learning that it is her way of giving to us (it is the only "help" that we will accept, and her offers are pretty constant), and to be honest, when I am in a rush leave in the morning, it is sort of nice to grab one of her $4 frozen containers of soup bought at an overpriced deli.

[Spirit Deer]

Heather, I'm wondering if you're not a bit like me and have some control issues of your own. [] Please don't be offended. I just know how I am. I want my life the way I want it, and other people's stuff and advice don't always fit in with my idea of things. Maybe you're similar.

I've tried to mellow over the years, but it's been a hard journey that I'm still working on completing. But I've lived through enough truly awful things in my life to this point that I've come to realize some things are simply not important. Receiving unwanted gifts is one of those. And I also decided I didn't want to live my life feeling resentful and annoyed. So I've gotten to the point of trying to see the good even in a bad situation, and making the best of things. It's helped a lot.

The bottom line is that nothing ever truly changed with my MIL. She was a controlling lunatic nutjob till the day she died and was never going to change. Once I accepted that and figured out some strategies for coping with her crazy behavior, the entire family benefited because things became so much calmer in any situation that she was involved in. I'm not saying I was never annoyed with things she did, but I just learned to react better during any incident, and then calm myself later and finally to let it go rather than dwelling on it. Not easy to do, but worthwhile.

[imagine]

When my mom was overloading us with toys for the children. Ww boxed up a bunch and sent them to her house. We said that we didn't have room for it all but "didn't want to get rid of it". After it sat at her house for a while she thinned out the stuff to what the kids really liked to play with at her house.

We also let her visit once with a new messy children's room ( extra messy with everything pulled out on purpose. She helped us clean it and realized exactly how much the children to have.

Then she started thinking more about what the children would really like and would play with.

The last thing she brought over, last visit was a remote control Barbie car that was mine. Hubby fixed it and Little Miss loved it.

And a erector set from the 1915. Buddy loved it.

She now knows that the children get more enjoyment out of something when they truly enjoy or need and get only a little at a time.

She also learned that they are happy when she comes to visit because she came to visit not because she brought something. We did have to let her know that was true.

As for clothes for the children with my Dad's help ( before he died) he let her, my Mom know that it made us feel like we couldn't provide for our children (since I'm a man I know how the man at that house might take it) and he limited her to two outfits twice a year. Back to school and Easter. The children look forward to the outfits now that they are special. She presents them in a gift bag and everything.

That is what worked for us.

[erinalexmom]

Spirit Deer, I have no "control issues" I just like everything to be my way! LOL Seriously, I hear you. I honestly do I agree that I do have some control issues as I was also raised by a controlling mother myself. Can I admit that I have even labeled food in my cabinet so that no one else would eat it if it was something special? Gosh, "control issues" what would ever make you say that?
Imagine, thank you for all your thoughts! You and I are kindred spirits friend

[erinalexmom]

Well, I handled the situation very maturely today I SUPER cleaned my sons room this weekend. We got rid of about 1/2 of the toys and crap that was in there. I said "bubby, show mamaw your room and tell her "dont buy me anymore stuff mamaw cause we had to get rid of LOTS of things".....see arent ya'll glad you took your precious time to give me thoughtful and kind advice just so that I would totally ignore it and make a total butthead of myself?
This woman does not bring out my best obviously Sorry, I will try to do better next time I see her. I REALLY gatta work on ME!

[erinalexmom]

I didnt get him to say it at least. I was just talking in his "voice" I totally sank to a new low huh?

[erinalexmom]

gmarie, thank you so much for responding I am with you 100%

[Jessesbride]

Sorry but to quote Rosanne Barr- "The problem is,there is no problem. She is showing her love thru things. Some people can't do it any other way. They don't know how. Simply hook up w/ a good resale shop and rotate the stuff getting clothes and such that they need. Been there,done that. I know it gets frustrating but its his mother. You can't poof her out of the picture. Really,I tried. It could be worse. DH used to come home w/ decrepid needle work from the seventies,glass Franklin mint "collectibles",dusty gold framed photos of "I think its your great uncle,well we just called him your uncle" and moldy books of genre we don't read. Seeing she never really came over it usually stayed in the van until I could run by Salvation for a dump. Didn't take long to realize she was a packrat and we were the garbage dump.
When we bought our first house as newly weds she brought 100 boxes of crap to store in our bsmt. I naively let her. She got furious when I asked when she would come sort thru them. She said,w/ all seriousness,you can go thru it when I die. AND then the fight began. 25 years later... Well DH goes over w/o me for xmas.lol. (ps-the reason we took the CRAP in was she gave us $10,000 for the house. Reality-it was DH's share from a lawsuit where he testified.)

As one who has been there
-it won't change
-it isn't worth anger-try and see it as funny
-use it as a lesson for the kids.
And as far as the tv goes-those are returnable?

So I'm hoping that since she has decided to not deal with it & to let ya'll deal with it after she dies... that you donated the whole stinkin lot to goodwill?

[cmoy]

This was a very interesting thread!

My favourite reply was totally messing up the kid's room by pulling everything available from every drawer, and then letting grandma visit the mess and help clean it up. Brilliant! And, no words necessary!

I might replace one in one out with...one in two out...from the hands of her grandchildren of course!

Good luck to you...it seems that many of these great people are also walking in your shoes...

carol