Adult kids, marriage and grandchildren

**cab54** · 04-30-2011, 11:01 AM

I'm not sure how to start this...

I have two sons, aged 25 and 27. They date, but are not married, and have no plans to yet, and no children. I'm fine with that. I love my sons enough to have NO designs on controlling their lives. I want them to have fun, play the field, enjoy their youth, get an education.....

However....I get so many questions and comments (sometimes snarky ones) about why my kids aren't married, (especially when one of thier children has just gotten married) and 'don't I wish I had grandkids?' Um......no......not if my KIDS don't want them yet! I don't want to be one of 'those' Moms, who bug their kids about marriage and grandkids just so that ' I ' can be fulfilled. I am actually enjoying these years between kids and grandkids, and would NEVER want my kids to change something in their lives for ME. WTH? Besides, my sons live many states away from me, and if and when they ever do have kids, I won't be seeing them often anyway....but I'll try. (wink)

My sons have worked long and hard on advanced degrees and careers they will like to go to work and do. That's most of the reason for the delay. I'm proud of them for that, and glad they will do work that they love. They'll ALWAYS have to work. They may or may not have wives and children.

Then, occasionally, someone will ask 'they DO like GIRLS, don't they?' Ugh. Idiots. Yes, they do. So far, all they've dated is girls. Although.. I want to say that IF they were Gay, I would still love them unconditionally, but NO they are totally straight. They have brought home girls that were more important to them, but no one they are ready to marry.

I will be overjoyed if one of my sons decides to marry and/or have a child, and being a grandmother will be wonderful, but not on MY terms, ya know? If they never have wives and kids, I will be fine with that. And NO! I'm not the kind of Mom who doesn't want them to have 'another woman' in their lives. (rolleyes) I have loved the girls they date, and am more sad when they break up than THEY are. LOL!

Why does everyone think this is any of their business, and why the snarky comments?

**MissSeetonFan** · 04-30-2011, 12:02 PM

I come from a family with relatives who liked to tweak those cousins/grandkids who were not married. Then came a difficult situation and everyone backed off of making comments about marriage. That said, I have four brothers who are not married (plus four brothers-in-law and 2 sisters-in-law over age 20) and I have no idea if they will ever marry. All of us girls (my sisters and I) are married, so my parents have grandkids but not anyone to carry on my maiden name (which worries my dad but he also realizes he can't do anything about it).

Comments may come off as snarky and some probably are. They are probably twitting you or your sons for "not getting on with the next stage of life". Because they are enjoying that stage with in-laws and grandchildren and a "keeping up with the Grandparent Joneses".

But some people are probably genuinely curious and/or worried about what may be going on. Not that you have to fill them in or anything. If you can sort the two groups out, you can talk to those who genuinely care and brush off those who are just out for gossip.

**Contrary Housewife** · 04-30-2011, 01:12 PM

I think most people are just trying to make conversation when they ask questions like that. It's like when I get asked if I have children, people don't know, and they don't know why I don't so they can't be rude on purpose. I just say I'm happy with my choice and change subject.

In your place I would just say they're not married but you know that someday they'll make the choice that is right for them and you'll be happy for them no matter what they do. And then move on to another topic before you get any more comments.

**MaryCarney** · 04-30-2011, 01:35 PM

I TOTALLY understand this. My two oldest girls are 31 and 27 - no 'prospects' in sight. And while I would love to have grandkids, I certainly am not pressuring THEM to make this happen.
I guess I'm lucky, because I am a homecare nurse for medically complicated babies- I get to play with them and watch them develop and make their milestones - plus I get paid!!

**beks37** · 04-30-2011, 03:52 PM

I used to get it more often when I was married, but the question of do you have any kids is followed up with why don't you have any kids yet? Some people just think that at a certain age you should get married, have kids, etc. They think that since they have children that are married, that your children should be married too. I'm glad that you support them for what they are doing with themselves. They will eventually find someone to date.

**Squidge** · 04-30-2011, 07:02 PM

I am one of five children. Out of us, only my 40 year old brother is married and has two kids. My 44 year old sister, my 43 year old sister, my 42 year old brother and 24 year old me are unmarried. Despite my eldest sister having been with her partner - with whom she has a son - for about 20 years, this does not stop the raised eyebrows my parents sometimes witness because of the lack of marriage with our family members.

My parents pretty much just ignore it!

**Spirit Deer** · 04-30-2011, 07:10 PM

Just tell them your family does not feel obligated to keep up with the Joneses. Whoever the Joneses happen to be.

I wouldn't let it bother you. It's no less rude than any other personal questions people seem to think it's okay to ask others. You're not obligated to answer or even acknowledge that they've asked a question.

**Debbie-cat** · 04-30-2011, 10:21 PM

I think it is great they are focussing on their careers and having fun now before and if they do decide to get married. They will never have any regrets on jumping into marriage too quickly!

**Homekeepn** · 05-08-2011, 08:46 AM

I don't have anything to add on to what others have said. Just wanted to tell you that it seems like, from what you tell us about your sons, you did a super job raising them. Someday if they choose, they will be great providers for their families.

**greekislandgirl** · 05-08-2011, 10:52 AM

I would like to see about trading my mother in law for you.

On a serious note, please pat yourself on the back and give yourself major credit for being such a good parent. You know how many other folks in your sons' generation get a lot of pressure for their reproductive choices?

I'm 30 and married - but I got married at 29 and after knowing my husband for only 5 months - so up until I was 29, I got a LOT of "when are you going to settle down?" from my father, my "settled" friends, etc.

My mother says she doesn't think I should have children, because she thinks I'll have a better life without them. (I honestly believe she would never have told me that, though, if she didn't know that I don't want to have children. She's not THAT insensitive haha.)

My mother in law nags me about "where are my grandchildren?" whenever we see them. I'm dying to say "In your imagination" but I don't have the nerve.

Pressure, pressure. Thank goodness for parents like you who let their kids find their own path! I never thought, when I turned 29, that on my 30th birthday I'd be married and have a MIL asking me about grandchildren. You never know what will happen - or how quickly everything can change. But you raised them yourself so you know you can trust them to make the right choices for them.

**The Muse** · 05-08-2011, 02:15 PM

They're 25 & 27. Having been married at 25 and divorced at 35, I can tell you that I wish I had waiting until at least 30 to marry and by then I would've realized that there's not much of a point to it anyway.

Living outside of the US has completely changed my perspective on marriage. The US seems obsessed with it, whereas in other places, it's just not that important, and people seem happier.

And whether or not they like girls is irrelevant these days as gay marriage becomes more and more accepted. People really need to MTOB.

Good for you for not pressuring your sons to keep to some fictional life script.

**heartofmine** · 05-09-2011, 11:08 PM

I have a 24 year old daughter and a 23 year old son and neither of mine are dating either. Both are trying to finish their education. I'm not going to lie...I do long for them to find love and have children...but most of all I want them to be happy. I'd love to have a house full of grandchildren. They both do want spouses and children someday. They just haven't met the right person for them yet. They have plenty of time.

**Lora88** · 05-10-2011, 06:23 AM

I have 4 kids ason 38 who is married no kids he and his wife do not want any kids love their lifestyle are very successful Son number 2 36 is single very successful and definatley not gay but does not want to marry (been with the same woman for 7 years) he also has no kids son number is only 22 single no kids in college . Daughter is married 34 no kids (not able to sadly) but is very happy with her life otherwise I see no grandchildren in my future unless youngest son has some I would love it if it did happen but if it doesnt thats ok also I would never pressure my kids to have children and quite honestly people should really mind their own business the world would be a better palce if they did

**krbshappy71** · 05-18-2011, 07:15 PM

Get rid of snarky people. Seriously, they're a brain drain. I don't play.

As I posted in a different area of this forum, my own mother has been pestering my daughters since their early teens about getting married and having children. excuse me, I would like my daughters to FINISH FREAKIN' HIGH SCOOL FIRST HOW ABOUT THAT PLAN????

Ok had to scream and let it out. hahaha! That being said, my youngest graduates from high school this Saturday, my oldest dd is in the Navy with no immediate family plans, and I would love for both of them to just make their own decisions, they wont be getting any nagging from me.

I can't control my mother, I can't control what other people ask, but I can control whether or not I continue the conversation. Just because someone asks me a question doesn't mean I have to answer it. There's no law.

Think Dug the dog in the movie Up, yell SQUIRREL!! but basically they can't play that game unless you participate.

**Ramona** · 05-18-2011, 07:43 PM

There are two ways to go with rude questions:

Turn it back on them "Why do you ask?" and watch them fumble around while you change the subject.

Or, be nice "They're concentrating on their careers and becoming well established before taking on the responsibilities of a family. That's sensible, don't you think?"

Either way, you haven't answered their dumb question.