having a bad day...need to vent

**gmarie** · 06-25-2011, 06:04 PM

I can't remember the last time I felt this sad... my mom was visiting me for the day, which I looking forward to ALL week. When she got here at 1 pm (after a 1.5 hr drive) she was starving. She had brought cereal and strawberries to eat (she is on a diet), but I didn't have any milk. This upset her.

Well I had no idea she was going to show up hungry, she didn't even call me before she left -and DH and I haven't been buying milk since we are eating oatmeal for breakfast lately, not cereal.

So my mother says to me in her meanest voice, "What kind of person does not have milk?" I was offended but tried to be calm despite feeling irritated and left the room to cool down, but she decided that she did not want to spend the day with me...nnd despite me practically in tears begging her in my driveway not to leave, she left!

I honestly can not remember ever feeling this bad. I set aside the entire day to spend with her, and now I am moping around. I went to the gym, ate, and took a nap and I am still absolutely miserable.

My mother and I do not normally have a bad relationship - we usually get along very well- so this petty fight and childlike behavior has taken me by surprise.

However, I think her real issue (besides the milk lol) is that my bipolar sister (who I have learned to keep my distance from to preserve my own sanity) is pregnant, and my mother thinks that I need to be closer to my sister to help her. I feel that while I can be supportive to her on the phone, I absolutely do not have the energy, time or the money to be there physically and emotionally to help my sister through this pregnancy, and my mother (who is very codependent with her) told me I am a horrible person not being willing to be there for her.

I am so frustrated and sad. I really could really use a friend right now,yet I have none in this state. DH and I have been here for over a year now and I have ONE girl friend but even her and I are not that close... why is it so hard for me to make friends in my 30s? It's used to be so easy for me. I moved to a city where I knew absolutely no one (mostly to get away from the family!) in my early 20's and built a great social circle and had many close friends... but since we have moved here it has felt impossible for me. And of course being "gazelle intense" sure doesn't help my likability - most people must just think I'm crazy!

Ok, I'm done venting now ;-)

**mamachop** · 06-25-2011, 06:08 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you! I don't have any answers. Just know that you're not alone and we all have these types of days. Sending lots of hugs your way!

**ladykemma2** · 06-25-2011, 06:09 PM

this was not about milk and this was not about you. normal people do not freak out about milk. I'm out of milk til friday too, so what?

separating myself from my insane, destructive family was the best thing i ever did.

is she borderline by any chance? because this sounds like something my borderline mother would pull.

**Jamielane** · 06-25-2011, 06:14 PM

I don't have any answers but I am sorry this is happening to you.

**l8eebugg** · 06-25-2011, 06:17 PM

Everyone has these days. Sounds like the milk was a excuse...she was unhappy before she arrive and decided to unload on you. Hope tomorrow the sun is shining on you.

**mh3rdwheel** · 06-25-2011, 06:26 PM

I know how you feel, I was married to a bipolar man, my niece is bipolar and possibly my sister. Many Xmases my mom and my aunt (Her sister) acted like 2 year olds and ruied many Xmases. I have nothing to do much with my family.

If you need a shoulder to cry on or talk to give me a message.

**gmarie** · 06-25-2011, 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

this was not about milk and this was not about you. normal people do not freak out about milk. I'm out of milk til friday too, so what?

separating myself from my insane, destructive family was the best thing i ever did.

is she borderline by any chance? because this sounds like something my borderline mother would pull.

She has never been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but she definitely seems off sometimes. Growing up, she was very inconsistent... one minute something was ok, the next it was not. We were grounded, then we weren't. Not exactly great parenting.

She was a single mother and did her best, but she was always too accommodating to my sister, who started having behavioral problems around age 7.

But, she has never acted that petty or that erratically - leaving her daughter's house after a long drive to drive back home. It makes no sense.

Her and my father are friendly now, and they often visit me together. They were just here for Father's Day last week, and the next day my father said something strange to me: that my mother was jealous of me. I asked what she said to make him think that, but he said that was just a feeling he got. That really made me feel weird - a normal person is not jealous of their own daughter. If he is right, then something is off.

Not to mention that my mom is constantly making comments about me moving in to the tiny 600 sf house to save money and making jokes about my frugality. Recently, she sighed and said, "I just want you to have nice things." Really?

So I don't know, maybe my dad sensed her jealously b/c when they came here for dinner they saw that my 600 s.f. house is adorable and DH and I are HAPPY here, and we don't need space or stainless appliances or even a washer/dryer to feel happy. But, still she is my mother! I just don't get it.

**gmarie** · 06-25-2011, 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by mh3rdwheel

I know how you feel, I was married to a bipolar man, my niece is bipolar and possibly my sister. Many Xmases my mom and my aunt (Her sister) acted like 2 year olds and ruied many Xmases. I have nothing to do much with my family.

If you need a shoulder to cry on or talk to give me a message.

Thank you!

That's the thing - isn't it normal to not want to be close to wildly unstable people, even if they are family? My mother has me questioning whether I am a "horrible person..." when really I am just trying to preserve my own sanity by keeping my distance. A bipolar person who is inconsistent and/or abusive w/ their meds, is a compulsive liar, and doesn't try to get any help is just not someone I can be around. And idea of her having a baby is just downright scary.

However, I do get very defensive when other people talk negatively about her. I do believe that she has a disease that makes her who she is, and it is not just that she is lazy or something she can just change overnight. But there has to be SOME accountability.

**mauimagic** · 06-25-2011, 07:04 PM

Oh sweetheart - this really has nothing to do with you and I am so sorry it happened and you were on the brunt end of it.

I think that the older we get, the more challenging it is to make friends - and that our friendships are different too. Not that it makes it any easier for sure.

That aside, In dealing with my students who are bipolar, there have been family histories of bipolar in the maternal side. Not saying that your mother is bipolar, but there may be some tendancies.

Something that I try to remember is that the only thing that I can change is my reaction to what others say or do. At times that is very, very hard. While today is a sucky situation and she's gone and you cannot live it over or even change it at all - you can change what you do for the rest of the day.

You are a valuable person - and perhaps a little fragile right now, so please be kind to yourself. And keep us posted.

**shoiji** · 06-25-2011, 07:49 PM

Sorry to hear you had a bad experience with your mother. Unfortunately sometimes parents can be sick. My mother is terribly sick towards me. I agonized for years on whether to continue the relationship. I no longer have any contact with her.

While it is not an easy decision I know my life is much more calm and I am not looking for any type of approval from her since she is incapable of this.

I am not saying you need to distance yourself from your mother. Just that parents are not always what we would want them to be. It has nothing to do with you.

Take some time to go something special for yourself.

**frugalfriend** · 06-25-2011, 08:00 PM

I'm so sorry this happened, and I hope you can talk to your mom later and together work through it. She must have something else going on that explains her behavior today, because it just doesn't make sense otherwise. Just know that we are here for you and you can vent anytime! I admire your "gazelle intensity" and don't let anyone distract or dissuade you from reaching your goals! You're doing great!

And you have friends here!

**nodmicks** · 06-25-2011, 08:03 PM

I'm sorry your Mom treated you so unfairly today. Big hugs! I have issues with my Mom also though I love her tons I sometimes need distance. I hope the rest of your day is better and filled with fun!

I also find it harder to make good friends than I did in my 20's. Too bad we are not in the same area. We could take a nice relaxing walk!

Just remember it is nothing you did and we can't change people only our actions, reactions and who/what we allow into our lives.

**Josephhgoins** · 06-25-2011, 08:07 PM

I will ignore the family part and say HUGS to you. I log ago gave up on mine.

As for the friends issue, I have the same one. I live 3 hours from where I was born and raises and moved 2 years ago. I still get daily calls and emails from friends asking me when am I going to move back.

I am sure we will both get it figured out soon though and get some good local friends to vent with.

**Nishu** · 06-25-2011, 08:27 PM

It's not uncommon for people to go a year plus before making good friends in a new place. BTDT, and know so many military wives who've had the same issue. It says absolutely nothing about your value as a friend or your social skills. Sometimes it just takes awhile.

Hopefully your mom will call up and apologize or soemthing. This is precisely why I don't diet. Hunger makes people grumpy. What she said was pretty mean.

Hope you feel better. No advice, just a good thought.

**oheoh's momma** · 06-25-2011, 09:22 PM

I don't think this had anything to do with milk she was cranky about something else & took it out on you. She maybe your mother but she has feelings also maybe she is jealous because you and hubby have it together in a way she never did. I have friends who are millionaires yes sometimes feel envious over their trips to Rome, Rio, & Egypt. They are also envious of me and hubby. hubby comes home to clean house and a home cooked meal every night.So everyone may have an issue so let it roll off your back. My friend may have more, but I know I have enough.