I have a confession!

[heavensent_7]

I don't know why I feel the need to 'confess' but I do.

I know you'll all be cursing me (well I don't KNOW that but I would be!)

HE (Dear estranged husband) came round last night as my DD has a cronic chest infection and I really needed to go shopping (convenient excuse maybe? but true as well) and anyway, I ended up trying to talk this man (that doesn't seem to have much interest anymore) into coming back!

Ok a few years ago I would be reading this and thinking, you SAD SAD woman! BUT - this is not by any means 'the perfect relationship' incase you hadn't already worked that out BUT is any? He IS my husband? and I don't want to do this single thing again I CAN'T do it again! I just can't cope with it. So for what is probably the first time in my life I'm doing some serious CRAWLING. It's no good for my pride, self-esteem, or anything else AND it doesn't seem to be working either???

But I really have to have this relationship. I can't bear the thought of ending my THIRD marriage and leaving more of my children abandoned. I really want to make it work, somehow, against all odds. I don't want to 'start again'. I KNOW this man and all his faults and I don't believe maybe we will ever be really suited, but I just can't go BACK to where I was 6, 9, 14, 20 years ago. I just can't do this anymore

So anyway - he stayed again!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW, I KNOW, actually I don't know!

I'm feeling like I'm not making the smallest bit of sense here! And I don't expect anybody to say anything, after all what is there to say? But I feel the need to keep my friends updated on my mad life (like you probably don't have enough maddest of your own to think about!)

The thing is - I've realised that whatever I have to give up, and however bad it's going to be, I just want it. He is a good father and his children love him and miss him. I'm not too sure that he 'loves' me anymore, but we can be friends and maybe the rest will come (maybe it won't) does it really matter? I just need someone to 'do life with' - is that wrong?

I had loads of other thoughts but DD is whinning and my mind has gone blank (maybe a good thing!)

And I just thought I might delete all of this rubbish but I took so long to type it I can't LOL - so going to close my eyes and just POST. Please, Please excuse my insanity! I had to tell someone, even if it doesn't make any sense!

[Mom23boys]

((((heavensent_7))))

Sending you a great big Hug!

[MJsLady]

Heavensent, WE are NOT your judges.
You can feel free to vent or whatever. I DO understand your desire to "have some one to do life with". I can not blame you for it.
He left you, so of course it stands to reason you wanted the relationship. If he is willing to stay, and not use it against you, then go for it. If however he uses it to be hurtful, then its time to stand on your own. Least ways I think so.
Is there a concrete reason he left? Maybe he felt unappreciated or didnt like certain things that can change?
If you want to make it work, you have to know why he left and decide if fitting his ideal is in your power.
God bless and I wish you the best!

[Michelle]

Originally posted by MJsLady
Heavensent, WE are NOT your judges.
You can feel free to vent or whatever. I DO understand your desire to "have some one to do life with". I can not blame you for it.
He left you, so of course it stands to reason you wanted the relationship. If he is willing to stay, and not use it against you, then go for it. If however he uses it to be hurtful, then its time to stand on your own. Least ways I think so.
Is there a concrete reason he left? Maybe he felt unappreciated or didnt like certain things that can change?
If you want to make it work, you have to know why he left and decide if fitting his ideal is in your power.
God bless and I wish you the best!

ITA! Be careful though....I don't want to see you hurt again if he decides to leave....{{{HUGS}}}

[heavensent_7]

Yes there is a reason why he left and it was my fault (sort of ) He is very good at helping out with the kids, buying presents and stuff and this is 'his' way of showing he cares about you. However 'helping out' involves making more work for me - e.g. changing the baby and leaving the old nappy, all the changing things, dirty clothes, creams etc, wherever he was doing it! It is VERY annoying, but I guess everyday type stuff.

However the real problem is: he can't share 'himself' there is no 'us' he has his own world that he won't let you into. He shares his feelings with the girls that work for him, but not with me. He has his life and interests and I have mine (sort of again LOL) I didn't want it to be like this and it was a huge problem to me. I would try and talk to him about it and he was too tired, too busy, some other time etc etc. If ever there is a problem I am the one to bring it up over and over to be met with NOTHING! He waits for me to guess what's in his mind and I find it very hard to live with. Eventually I would tell him to leave This isn't what I wanted him to do but it was my way of saying - Hello? This is how important it's got!!!!!!! He just hears the words and goes still with no discussion, I would interpret that as he didn't care enough to sort things out with me and it would all spiral.

Anyway it turns out he has a dreaded phobia of being homeless and feels insecure. He can't handle it anymore and doesn't trust me not to do it again.

So I'm the problem it would seem!

[babynurse]

Well, having had a similar situation and some of the same feelings...all I can say is you have to make the decision (and it sounds like you have) to either be happy alone or miserable together!! Which is very hard to do...because really you aren't happy alone and being miserable together isn't fun for you either. I too, have often wondered if I would take Jeff back if he changed his mind (and although it would be easier to let him back) I don't think I could truly be happy knowing how he hurt me and that he left me for no reason. My only thought is...don't you deserve better than him and this relationship? What's done is done, but it can always be undone, too, LOL!!! So just remember we are here for you!!
I hope none of what I said offends you...I would just hate to think that you are missing out on the opportunity to be truly happy with or without him.

[mylittle4]

How long have you been together? Opening up for men is sooooo much harder than for women. The kind of relationship you want may come eventually, but you can't push it. On the other hand it may never come and you have to be able to deal with that. Is he willing to get any marriage counseling? No matter what you decide we are here for you and hope you can find happiness in the decision you make. P.S. Two weeks after we were married we split up. I begged and begged for Michael to come back to no availe, but when I started to move on and gain some confidence on being on my own with 2 kids, guess who came knocking. We have been happily to gether ever since. I can honestly say that it was the best thing for us.

[MJsLady]

OK yes the first part is normal stuff
the second I have trouble with too. I hate to talk "feelings".
I was raised in an environment where feelings made you weak, and showing them to the ones close to you was very dangerouys, sharing them with strangers was safer.
Could it be he was brought up the same way?
As to his fear of homelessness, explain to him why you said that.
Tell him how you feel even if he doesnt reciprocate. Tell him you are afraid and have a deep fear of not knowing how he feels about some things.
Dont try to pry into everything, we all deserve our secrets, but we must share some to get along. KWIM?

[heavensent_7]

update on my thoughts and yours:

Firstly thank you all for being here, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found the village, you are ALL such wonderful people, I really appreciate all the support you give me.

So anyway, having been through my fair share of relationships I don't think there is anything 'better' out there somewhere?

The point is I don't want to undo it all, that has always been my pattern and it has got me nowhere, I really want to work through all this mess and make something of it instead of running away again and starting over.

We have been together 6 years and married for just 1. I don't think there's much chance of him changing, he was married to his last wife for 17 years and was exactly the same. We did go to marriage guidance ONCE and he said NOTHING and didn't want to go back!

I think he has been bought up this way as his family are all very similar with their apparent lack of feelings.

I have explained to him 'why' I asked him to leave, but it doesn't seem to make much difference because he can't get past that I may do it again.

It doesn't really make any difference at the moment, because all this depends on HIS choice and decision. I think that's part of my depression right now, that I am so helpless. But IF he will come back I really want to make it work for us and our children.

I'm feeling just a little resentful that I will have to do ALL the changing and accepting and he will be just the same, but it is ME who wants this and he doesn't seem to mind or notice how things are.

I wrote a really good posting here and lost it all coz I put too many smillies on it and now I can't remember half of what I said! anyway you basically get the gist, I talk too much anyway.

Just the bit about not prying into everything - don't you think that's unreasonable Sorry - this is VERY serious to me but I just couldn't resist that LOL.

I just want my marriage to work, but first I have to get him to come back and second I have to change and he won't. I'm scared he won't come back and I've blown it and I'm scared if he does things will be just the same and I'll be miserable, but I'm miserable without him?

Shame I lost the more sensible posting LOL - I really do appreciate you all being here for me. I love you all so much. I have never known such genuine friendship from people. Thank you xxx

[tigo]

Honey - Don't let "oh no, not another failed marriage" be the only reason you stay in it. I married my first husband 3 times. He couldn't stay faithful, but I didn't have the resources or will power to end it. It was humiliating. My current Dh is #4 but my sixth marriage. I had a friend totally "let me have it" one day. 90% of what she said made sense. It boiled down to no faith in myself, trying to do what was easier but probably not right. In the end, I had two kids, a low paying job, living in government housing (2 years), on food stamps (six months), and going it alone. I won't tell you it was easy or that I didn't spend hours crying at how hard it was. Not that this is your situation, just mine. Sit down with yourself and figure out what it is you need/want, what the children need, and how to make it happen. DH and I have been in counselling (Catholic social services - fee based upon ability to pay - so when I was at the bottom it was free) and it has helped a great deal. Not an instant fix but it has been worth it.

[heaven]

I want you to know that I here for you no matter what you need. I know i am on the other end of a computer but if you need to talk or Type let loose. As Melissa said we are not here to judge you. I really think though that you need someone outside it all to talk to. I just really hate the idea of you having to stay in a miserable position just to keep from being lonely. I know i shouldn't say anything look at my life. But if you need to vent, or cry or laugh we are here.

[Daphne]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way and having to go thru this. I agree with all the ladies before and the great advice they gave you!! My boyfriend grew up in a home where communication never happened. I on the other hand love to talk it out. I tried to get him to talk and open up about everything. He'd just get mad. I figured it out that I just keep my mouth shut and in my own way "play games" with him. Trust me I don't like games but all of us women have to do this to men I just now step back and let him think that he is "in control" of the conversation or situation when really it's me. Ok - this probably doesn't make sense but I can't figure out a way to put it into words. Sorry - I have a headache today. Anyway, don't ever, ever change yourself and who you are to accomidate someone else. I don't care how much you love that person. You want that person to love you and your heart for what it is. Also, don't expect your dh to change for you. You knew who he was and what he was about when you married him so try to except him for that. It's not easy but with lots of love and understanding you can do it. Instead of trying to get him to open up and talk (which a lot of men hate to do) just say - I'm hear for you to talk to about ..... and just leave it at that. When you step back and just let him know when he is ready you will be there for him then he'll come around when he doesn't feel so much pressure. There may be lots of tears and heartache in the meantime for you but don't let him see that. Stay strong. He'll eventually come around. I can tell you have a sweet soul with a lot of care in you. Hang in there. There is a lot of advice out there and a lot of people thinking and praying for you!! Wishing you all the best!

P.S. Sorry if this just rambles on and on....Like I mentioned I have a headache and a lot of what I'm saying probably doesn't make sense!!