Family drama

**Russ** · 10-19-2011, 11:32 AM

Wow, I didn't realize this would be so long and rambling. My apologies up front.
Feel free to let me know if something doesn't make sense.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks.

First, a little history.

My wife's sister "J" was the wild child of the family, the black sheep so to speak. As a teen, it was constant drama and fighting between her and her folks. Just briefly, it was stealing, drugs, alcohol and sex with many boys. Her parents ran through the entire list of things to try and bring her under control.

Her father, well, if you were to define a man who believes in God and follows the teachings of the Catholic Church, you would be defining him. He forgives her for everything, including the latest. (you'll see what I mean in a minute)

Her mother, she is a little less patient, but has always been there to help as much as she thought was necessary. She is a very critical person and not always the nicest person to be around.

The other 3 kids of the family were nothing like the eldest sister.

About 3 weeks ago, "J" had extensive back surgery after suffering through the pain, for I'm guessing about a year.

So, everybody, including my wife, had been going over there to help her out through the recovery process. After a few days, my wife noticed that J was basically out of it, slurring words, making no sense, sleeping for hours, not remembering things that happened 5 minutes ago, etc etc etc. Her parents stopped by while my wife was there to see how she was doing. Two hours after they left, J called them up asking how come they hadn't stopped by.

Doing some detective work, my wife found her pills. She had been taking 2 Percocet and 2 Valium every time she took pills. Now, the instructions on the bottle was 1-2 tablets every 4 hours as needed for pain. J was taking 2 of each every 3 hours according to her, when she was initially asked. Doing the math later, my wife figured she was short about 20 Percocets and about 10 Valium.

So J was confronted about the shortage.

First response: Shock and disbelief that my wife would dare question her. My wife responded by saying she was simply concerned about becoming addicted. Family history suggests they are susceptible to addictions. I know, there are studies out there to contradict or support this claim, but their family history suggests it's possible. Plus given J's own history of drug abuse, including stealing prescription meds, we have cause for concern.

Second response: Her son in law stole them. In his past he did drugs and was an alcoholic.
Third response: The visiting nurse stole them.
Last response: Anger. She is absolutely pissed that anybody would question her, not trust her (historical liar) and her meds are between her and her Doctor.

Since then, it has been discovered that she has been on Tylenol3 w/cod for the past year.

So last weekend she lashed out at, of all people, her father. She brought up his past with his father, who was an alcoholic and actually denied that he was his son, and a few other things that is beside the point. She brought all this up for one reason, to hurt him. And it did, big time. According to my wife's mother, he was in tears. Now this is a man who has forgiven her for everything she has ever done, defended her when nobody else would, does work around her house for her, help raise her kids, etc etc etc. He has ALWAYS been there for her and she does this to him.

She has since apologized and he forgave her. What an amazing man, in my opinion.

She lashed out at her mother too, but not like that. Mom is still pissed.

So she was again confronted. Her reasoning for doing this? Because she never felt loved as a child and was jealous of all her siblings and wanted to remind him of his past so she would know how she feels. She says she can't compete with all of her siblings. (we don't know what the competition is at this point.)

My wife is really upset that she is putting the folks through this. We think it is her way of manipulating them for whatever reason.

This is a woman who is 53 y/o has a steady, good paying job and still borrows money from her parents. An example of her "thinking"... Her daughter has 3 kids and on family doings (birthdays, holidays etc) she likes to take them with her. So she asks my wife's brother to drive and once they are off, she tells the kids, don't kick D's seat, he hates that and then starts laughing. What do you thing a 4 y/o will do? Another...don't pick your nose and wipe it on D's seat, he hates that... duh.
She is manipulative, doesn't care what anyone thinks and will do things out of spite.

She has claimed she will no longer attend family functions. Though we have our doubts.

Our concern, disagreement between everyone, and thus the point of all this background is this: How much do we protect the parents, in their mid-70's, from her? We believe no matter what she does, her father will forgive her and she will continue to do it.

**nodmicks** · 10-19-2011, 12:01 PM

I'm so sorry Russ! Unfortunately I have found you can not protect the parents if they do not want to be protected

**krbshappy71** · 10-19-2011, 12:23 PM

Really sorry, Russ, but they are adults as well. You can express your opinions but you can't control them any more than they can control her.

She has claimed she will no longer attend family functions.

WOOOHOOOO!!!! Although even if this sounds great to you, it will break the "parents" hearts and they will likely beg her to join in and eventually she'll be back. They wont care what she's done in the past, she is their daughter.

You can set boundaries for your own family, you can verbalize your feelings to the parents, to her if you like (although it wont change much, she'll just get angry and defensive) do whatever you need to do but this situation wont change until everyone sets their own boundaries with her.

Have you ever watched Intervention? VERY eye opening and if you can, watch several episodes so you can see that there is a definite pattern to the cycle. Maybe the parents can watch some episodes with you so they can see it as well. Its a cycle that wont stop until everyone else stops. (supporting, enabling, contributing, etc)

**Libby** · 10-19-2011, 12:28 PM

Wow Russ. We must be related

In order to protect the parents, discuss J's situation with them openly and honestly - like adults. Now you can't blame them for wanting to defend and protect J afterall they're the parents. The people supposedly responsible for instilling values, morals etc. J's behaviour is a reflection of how they did - as most would think. They're always going to look at her as their lil girl, their daughter.

You can point out the reality of the situation and discuss potential options on how to deal with J when she flares up and causes drama. Try to change the dynamic while discussing - what would they do if you were the parents and they were the siblings? What would they do if they were friends with the parents of a child like this? Etc.

Just keep an open communication going about this, no attacks and no pointing fingers stating anyone is wrong and go from there. Take each episode as it comes.

**fernykins** · 10-19-2011, 02:09 PM

My sister is like that, I was everyone fault but hers. I would inform her Dr about over medicating. She's taking to many pain pills. she needs of 2 of them. Other then that there is nothing you can do. She likes the feeling the meds give her. I hope she wakes up before it is to late.
Fern

**Ramona** · 10-19-2011, 05:00 PM

Sounds to me like J is a manipulative drug addict without remorse or kindness.

Her behavior can't be "cured" by family members and I wouldn't try.

Maybe it's a blessing that she's threatened to not attend family functions.

**heartofmine** · 10-19-2011, 05:46 PM

Funny isn't it how the "prodigal" child can treat our parents like dirt but yet that child is the one that is always helped, always taken up for, always felt sorry for, always forgiven. Parents come crying...literally crying to you about what the prodigal child has done...you react...and then in a day or 2 when all is forgiven your the bad guy. Its frustrating and honestly I don't have an answer.

**frugalfranny** · 10-20-2011, 12:39 AM

Russ, sorry your family is dealing with this....

Your FIL sounds like a gem.

Originally Posted by krbshappy71

Its a cycle that wont stop until everyone else stops. (supporting, enabling, contributing, etc)

Yep....I so totally agree with this.

As much as it hurts, you have to make him see that he is NOT doing her any good by enabling...............not matter how he justifies it in his own mind.

Probably her lashing out at him in the past has ended up getting her what she wanted..............as it probably will again if he doesn't use some 'tough love'..............don't care how old she is!!

**Megareader** · 10-20-2011, 06:28 AM

J's behaviour sounds just like what my brother was like many years ago. So much like his that I am confident in saying J is an addict. And there is nothing you can do to change that. Nothing your wife can do, nothing her parents can do, nothing any friend can do. Only J can change this. If and when that happens is entirely up to J.

In my brothers case, he found himself in some legal trouble (not the first time). The trouble was serious enough he lost a very good job over. And our family let him know he had a choice to make...drugs or us. I am happy to say he chose us and has been clean & sober for over 20 years now. AA and NA have been a God-send for him.

**Russ** · 10-21-2011, 10:42 AM

Update..
J's daughter won't allow J to babysit the kids until she is off of the pain killers. It pissed J off tremendously and of course we all totally agree with her daughter.

Now J feels the whole family is against her.

J is due to go back to work next week, but we think her lack of doing therapy will come back to bite her and we all expect her to be in a lot of pain. That in turn, will lead to a bigger need for painkillers.

So, we are all basically waiting for the next explosion or implosion. Take your pick.

**Greebo** · 10-21-2011, 10:52 AM

Originally Posted by Russ

Update..
J's daughter won't allow J to babysit the kids until she is off of the pain killers. It pissed J off tremendously and of course we all totally agree with her daughter.

Of course she is. Addicts aren't at fault for their own problems, everyone else is.

**frugal is fun** · 10-21-2011, 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by nodmicks

I'm so sorry Russ! Unfortunately I have found you can not protect the parents if they do not want to be protected

unfortunately this is so true. I'm going through something similar, although less dramatic with my brother and my father. My father is turning 80 in February and is just a HUGE enabler and there is nothing I can say or do to change it. Any time I make a comment about my brother, my father gets angry with me.

when my father talks to me about my brother I basically yes him to death, yup, um hmm, o really, yup.

I know its hard not to get involved in such a situation because you care so much for the parents but if they don't want the help, then there is nothing you can do.

Hugs to you and your wife for going through such a tough situation.

**oheoh's momma** · 10-21-2011, 11:31 AM

sorry But I don't think u can do anything, hide your meds and parents meds. Watch her when she visits. U ARE BETWEEN A ROCK AND HARD PLACE. do your best good luck.

**krbshappy71** · 10-21-2011, 12:15 PM

I hear this often on the Intervention show: If you want to get well, we will do anything to help.

So, we are all basically waiting for the next explosion or implosion. Take your pick.

No, you are not. You cannot. That is the tornado she wants the entire family to be in and the important thing is that she is not allowed to have that control over the family. You are living your life fully, not discussing her, discussing anything and everything else that is going on besides her. This is YOUR life, YOUR family. You can change the subject when others talk about her, you can go for a walk outside when the entire conversation switches to her, YOU have a choice how much this drama enters your daily life. Please don't let her dominate everyone's thoughts and discussions, life is too short. Holidays are too special to hand over to a druggy.

**LuvMyHubby** · 10-22-2011, 11:19 AM

She's an addict and deflecting any responsibility for it and your wife's parents are easy to lash out at.

I'm not sure you can protect them as such other than sitting with them at a quiet moment with another family member like J's daughter and talk to them about it and just making sure that they are not giving her boat loads of money and keeping any meds they take safe. It is horrible that she basically treats them like crap and they forgive her easily but in their mid 70's this isn't likely to change. If she has been this way since her teens perhaps she has mental health issues and uses the risky behavior, alcohol and now pain killers to self medicate and now she is addicted.

Whatever happens best of luck to you and your wife's family.