Advice on the IL's

[mndtrp]

It's not a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. It's a case of 'you aren't around and did this to spite us, so this is our way of closing you out of our lives'.

This is speculation.

[Squidge]

I think in any relationship if you don't have open communication you're sunk. The only way you can really know what's going on is if you address it honestly and if they are willing to engage with you about it.

Personally, I'd avoid the passive aggressive stuff and be gentle but explicit: "When you do X (leave us out of family gatherings) it makes us feel X (unloved/isolated/hurt/annoyed/whatever) so I would like it if in future you would do X (call us and let us know/be more inclusive)."

You're calling them on what has happened, you are stating the consequences of their behaviour and you're asking them to try something less hurtful in future events.

That being said, I'm with MTTB on this one in the event their behaviour stays the same (which it might not) and you are unable to accept them as they are. If there were family members in my life whose behaviour was hurtful and stressful, as much as I'd try to my best to improve it, there could come a point when forgiveness and acceptance is possible, but having contact with them is too damaging.

That's just my view on things - every person is different and the key is finding what is right for you.

[MomToTwoBoys]

This is speculation.

It's based on past experience. It doesn't take a genius to know when people don't want you around and ironically, it happened after they decided to move away from the rest of the family.

[ttistin]

Thank you guys for your opinions. This kind of stuff has been going on for years. This post was just a couple of examples from the past year. You know your not really welcome when you drop in to say hi and all his sisters and their families are there having a big meal and no one invited us, or how about the time his mom decided to have birthday cake for his dad on a weeknight when for years for everyone's birthday it has always been on a weekend knowing we had to work that night. (also did not inform us of it till after the fact) Or how we lived on a main road that each of them passed our house everyday and not one could bother with us until they needed something. I have plenty of stories...

Guess I should also say that we (dh and I) have gone out of our way to do what we can for any and all of them. Dh has 4 sisters and would do anything they asked. When dh's grandfather passed I went out of my way to make a huge meal for everyone the night of his viewing because I knew that dinner was not something they were thinking about. Dh told me not to because non of them would bother to do it for me (which I have to say when my mom passed not one of them called or stopped in to see how I was doing, which by the way I did not handle her passing very well)

I guess I am just over trying, I do not want to completely block them from kids life but I figure if they [B]want[B] to be any kind of part of their lives they will try.

[nuisance26]

~I'm another person that doesn't agree to cut them off. You're completely in the right to be hurt by their actions, but is it right to do the same thing to them?
A couple of years ago, a close family member stopped speaking to me. There was a lot of hurt for me since we had to see each other fairly often but this person refused to interact with me at those occasions. I decided to cry at home, forgive and keep the door open. Our relationship is now on track to being restored. I am so thankful for that.
Just because a person hurts you doesn't mean you stop loving them. I hope that the people I love would give me that second chance too.~

[Greebo]

Cutting them off may be severe if they still matter to you.

But clearly you need to adjust your expectations... after all there's no obligation on their part *or* yours to keep in touch, so not hearing from them, while disappointing, shouldn't be seen as so serious as to be frustrating.

[Incognito]

Why do things have to be so drastic? We're dealing with family here.
Just send them a card at Christmas with the kids school photos and ask for the same. Include any address, phone number, email changes on the card, and ask for the same. If you really want to go all-out, send a Christmas letter with short updates of your yearly news. And let it go at that, till you are all brought together again by the next family wedding or family funeral.

[Syn D]

When hubby, my kids, and I moved out of Cali in "96" to Iowa, I did everything to stay connected to my family. I wrote many letters, sent birthday/holiday cards to everyone, gifts when I could afford it, sent tons of pictures, and made many many phone calls. A few years later I stopped it all except for my mom. I got tired of spending all the time and money on them, when none of them acknowledged any of us and disconnected myself.

Our youngest talked to my sister awhile back and my sister told her it was my fault they weren't close, cos' we moved away. In November of last year my mom told our youngest, when family was talking and my kids weren't part of the conversation, my mom told her "your not considered in this part of the family, cos' your family don't live here". Her response to my sister was, "if you cared about me as much as you just told me, the distance wouldn't of mattered, my aunt Lisa has always been in our lives" and to my mom she said "funny, cos' Lisa (my best friend) and mom have never lost touch and she is a aunt to me, so apparently it's the persons choice on how much of family they want to be, and all it showed us is we didn't matter to the family out here".

I grew up in Cali and my dads family lives in South Dakota. I have always been connected to them. My best friend (in Cali) of 28 yrs and I have never lost touch and talk at least once a month for 3 hrs at a time. So, if those people can still include us and be connected, why does my other family think once you move out of state you no longer matter, cos' they don't care enough to make it matter and that is the only reason..

My kids know it's not the fault me or hubby and that is enough for me. It's my families loss.

[cab54]

In all things in life, I try to live by these two principles:

Treat others the way I'd like to be treated. (no matter how they act)

and....

I am only responsible for my OWN actions, and have to answer for those actions at some point. I choose to act honorably.

[MomToTwoBoys]

Why do things have to be so drastic? We're dealing with family here.
Just send them a card at Christmas with the kids school photos and ask for the same. Include any address, phone number, email changes on the card, and ask for the same. If you really want to go all-out, send a Christmas letter with short updates of your yearly news. And let it go at that, till you are all brought together again by the next family wedding or family funeral.

For some families, it's not like that.

My family, for example, went through three major deaths in the last few years. First, my grandmother passed away when I was 37 weeks pregnant with DS13. Instead of offering condolences, my aunts and uncles simply said 'Well, we can't wait for her to get up here so we're going on without her', knowing that I was her favorite granddaughter and the closest one to her. They had no cause for concern for how I felt about it and since she died, it's like the rest of the family alienates everyone else. What does my mother do? 'F them.'

When my father passed away, people expected me to come to his funeral and well, that was never going to happen. I spent many years being abused by my "father" in ways that a lot of people would never ever want to go through, so why give an alcoholic deadbeat who can't think twice to be happy for his own flesh and blood the chance to have any sort of redemption on his death bed? Yeah, not in this or any lifetime.

Then when my grandmother passed away, it was like the rest of the family didn't want to acknowledge anyone who couldn't make it to her funeral. The whole family fell apart and if you weren't kissing someone else's rear end the whole time, they didn't want you around any more.

I've been cut out and have had to cut people out of my life in ways that either I could or could not control. Whether it be via habit or by common sense, it's something that has to be done. I don't want all of that stress and drama. I have enough of my own.

When people want to be spiteful, they will do anything and everything to make sure that people get the message.... loud and clear.

I am not one to sit and allow someone who basically tells me that she wished I'd died with my father to continue to be in my life. What kind of sane person really wants someone like that in their life even after the fact? When people go out of their way to exclude you from their lives, what purpose does it serve to keep butting your nose in where it obviously isn't wanted or doesn't belong?

You can only go so far to tolerate people that simply do not want you around. It's not worth the heartbreak or the effort to keep trying to play nice with people that simply do not want you around, nor care what happens to you. It's only going to make things worse because you're putting your heart where it's only going to get kicked into the dirt.

And seriously, who needs all that aggravation?

Family is in two forms: by blood and by relation. The blood ones are the ones who accept you for who you are, what you are and where you are, regardless of what happens. The relations are just the ones who happen to be related to you via last name or God-placed order in life.

I'd rather have blood family than relation family. I mean heck, my inlaws treat me better than my own flesh and blood... and I couldn't be happier.