Advice on the IL's

**ttistin** · 12-26-2011, 02:31 PM

A little long, sorry...

I know I have not posted in a while, been busy since we moved to Alabama. So anyway I am frustrated with the IL's, all of them. Just a recap, before we left (in Feb 2011) everyone threw a fit saying how much they loved us and did not want us to go etc...

Since we moved away it is almost like we no longer are part of the family. Dh has 4 sisters, only one has sent anything to the kids for birthday (it was a card but it showed she thought enough of them to send it, made kids very happy) Dh's grandmother's birthday is in Jan but they had a surprise birthday party for her last month. Invited the whole family except us. We found out about it on Facebook when his mom posted pictures. When we asked why no one bothered to tell us about it, we might have been able to work it out where we could have gone up for it. No one would answer, ignored the question completely.

Dh's dad's birthday was last week and he sent him a message (his dad was at work and did not want to bother him with phone call so sent text) and did not get a response back, he thought his dad did not want to talk to him. Dh called his mom yesterday to say Merry Christmas and found out his dad changed his cell number a few weeks ago and his mom will probably change her too soon. So now he knows why he did not get an answer but is really upset that no one would let him know the new number. He asked his mom to send him the new number as soon as they hung up, she said she would. He has not received anything.

This is just a couple of things but I am frustrated with them all and am thinking that it would be better to just cut them out of our lives. Have been considering unfriending them all from facebook. It has been almost a year and I am done with trying to keep them in the kids lives but if I am the only one trying then what is the since. If the kids are that important to them then they can call is how I am seeing it.

What do you think?

**jas** · 12-26-2011, 03:04 PM

You would think that if they thought you all were important that they would at least tell you these things and give out any important family information and let you all decide if you can make it. Certainly keeping up with giving out new phone numbers would be important IMO.

**Winkie** · 12-26-2011, 03:12 PM

That is sad. Just make a good life for your family & don't worry too much about them.Take the high road & send them a card now and then, let your kids include a note or a picture too. You will sleep well every night knowing you have extended yourself to them.

For me FaceBook is a lazy way of keeping in touch. We all read each other's posts, but rarely make personal contact. I miss the old days of calling, sending cards & meeting for an evening. I hope to do better in the coming year.

**mndtrp** · 12-26-2011, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by Winkie

Just make a good life for your family & don't worry too much about them.Take the high road & send them a card now and then, let your kids include a note or a picture too.

Yep. You can either do what you wished others would do to you, or you could remove them from your life. Only you and your family know which action will be more beneficial in the long run. Personally, I wouldn't get my panties in a knot, and continue going on with my life knowing that they are my family, faults and all.

**Momto5RN** · 12-26-2011, 05:43 PM

wow its almost like they are being spiteful for not getting their own way . Maybe they hope if they treat you like that you will move back but that would make me less likely to move back .

the bitchy part of me would have had dh post a "would have loved to been there had i been invited" comment to one of the pix from the party that i knew the most friends and family would have seen. who would have though it poor behavior to not even invite you to it .

so sorry

**cab54** · 12-27-2011, 07:16 PM

Sounds pretty passive/aggressive to me. (Their behavior).

**Libby** · 12-27-2011, 07:23 PM

Instead of doing what seems to be the easiest solution - cut them out of your life - CALL or send everyone an email stating that you wish they'd keep you up to date of family events and goings on's specifically citing that you wish you had been at least invited to the party regardless of cost for you to travel etc. That is for you to decide, not them. Just b/c youve moved doesn't make you any less 'family'.

Go from there - see how they react. It could be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. If things don't improve...at least you know who your family are, faults and all.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 12-27-2011, 11:21 PM

Personally, I would just cut them out without saying a word to them. If they want to be that way to you, be that way to them. They haven't cared either way to treat you all with respect since you left. What makes them think they deserve any better treatment from you guys?

**mndtrp** · 12-28-2011, 06:33 PM

I don't see the upside in becoming what you despise. Doing what they do only makes you the same as them.

**alotofgooddeals** · 12-28-2011, 06:49 PM

if we make the effort to go their places than we get to see them...but if we dont there are certain family members we never see.....so all done with that...dont get me wrong hubby is one of seven kids and there are a couple that we absolutely love and go out of our way to make sure they stay connected...they also go out of their way to...however there is about 4 of them that he is starting to realize he could care less...make me a bad person....maybe i just don't have the time to deal with people who are fake when you are there and when you are gone, so cant do it anymore....

**Libby** · 12-28-2011, 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by MomToTwoBoys

Personally, I would just cut them out without saying a word to them. If they want to be that way to you, be that way to them. They haven't cared either way to treat you all with respect since you left. What makes them think they deserve any better treatment from you guys?

Don't grudges eat you up inside and take more energy to 'maintain' vs accepting the fact that thats how the family is and moving on with life w/o expecting a thing more from them? Sometimes taking the high road is harder up front but in the long run is easier and takes less toll on you.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 12-28-2011, 09:14 PM

Originally Posted by Libby

Don't grudges eat you up inside and take more energy to 'maintain' vs accepting the fact that thats how the family is and moving on with life w/o expecting a thing more from them? Sometimes taking the high road is harder up front but in the long run is easier and takes less toll on you.

I just don't see the point in investing all of the energy to maintain a relationship that the other party simply does not want anything to do with. It's not a matter of the grudge eating you up inside and using energy to maintain that level of emotional investment to do so. It's a matter of having common sense enough to cut people out of your life that don't really want anything to do with you if you aren't pleasing them 100% of the time.

I cut my father out of my life and my sister, as well, for things that most people would simply not put up with.

So why should the OP invest the energy in something that someone doesn't want anything to do with and is already going out of their way to make sure it stays that way?

**mauimagic** · 12-28-2011, 09:38 PM

Hard not to take their actions personally. Am dealing with a situation in a similar vein - decided not to waste my energies for others lack of manners and propriety.

Suggestion - put your positive energies for those you wanat and spend not a lick of energy on the others - you can not change them - you can only change your reaction to them (and I figure if I say that enough I will get it myself!!)

**Libby** · 12-28-2011, 10:27 PM

MTTB - accepting that they're not who you thought they were is one thing. Going out of your way to keep them up to date with what your family is doing is another.

As maui said, you can only change how you react to them (as in not wasting your energy getting your hopes up and waste efforts in attempt to keep them up to date on your lives etc)

This is how I cope with my sister. I know 'how' she is (doesn't call, doesn't keep us informed of the goings on in her life, her selfish tendencies etc) and don't expect anything from her. I know she's family and that we don't 'help each other out' and am OK with that. Does that make sense?

**MomToTwoBoys** · 12-28-2011, 10:47 PM

It's been almost a year.

The blood family has completely ignored the DH. The blood family has left him and his family out of family gatherings, changed phone numbers without giving him the new ones and has ignored his request for ways to keep in touch.

Yet, you guys want to give them the benefit of the doubt and have him and the OP try to make amends. It's not a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. It's a case of 'you aren't around and did this to spite us, so this is our way of closing you out of our lives'.

A year is long enough. I could see if it was something that had slipped the mind or it'd only been a few weeks. But, family is deliberately going out of their way to keep the DH and the OP's family as far from them as possible. If they haven't made amends in the last twelve months, they aren't going to magically turn around and do it tomorrow.

Punishment is punishment, regardless of the form it comes in.