How's This For 'Family'?! (vent)
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  1. #1
    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    Default How's This For 'Family'?! (vent)

    I received an email from my sister very early this morning that my Sis-IL's mom died yesterday and that the service is today. A link to obituary in the city's paper was included. Its a private service for family only. Not to sound cold but I'm not a fan of funerals so I only wanted to send flowers on behalf of DH, myself and dad. (The obituary stated that they would accept flowers but did not list the service time)

    I called the funeral home this morning to confirm the location (there are several) and the time for the service and the woman actually snapped at me.

    "If you were part of the family involved, you'd know the details. You need to call YOUR family and speak with them" then hung up on me. WOW!

    So...besides this woman having a horrible day (?) here's some of the background story - my bro told my sis that we didn't need to do anything. And that he'd call dad and myself later to tell us himself. My sister was telling us (dad, DH and I) b/c she thought we'd like to know b/c we're all family'. I would do the same and our bro knows this. So why send that email now?

    If he truly wanted to exclude us - why not send that email 'after' the funeral services were done? Why let the cat out of the bag and provide a link with the details? I know, he's probably grieving and this is one of those things you do under stress but seriously? To me, this sounds like he wants to start drama.

    After today's episode - are we still considered 'family' b/c I thought we were. If we were good enough to hear about MIL's death and privy to the obituary prior to the service, why exclude us from the funeral service? Talk about mixed messages.

  2. #2
    Registered User Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    It could be just a mix-up of some kind. Maybe someone said they'd call you and didn't, or maybe they all assumed someone else would call you.

    Try not to get too wound up about it. In situations like that, it's very easy for things to get confused and for the obvious to be overlooked.

    There's no excuse for the woman at the funeral home being so rude though, and I would send a polite letter to her boss about that. She could have referred you back to the family without being snotty.

    I've heard of people going to the homes of the deceased to burglarize them during the funeral service, since they know the family will not be there at that time. Since they don't know who is who over the phone, that's probably why they wouldn't just give you the info when you called the funeral home. They still shouldn't be rude though.

    Why didn't you call your sister?
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  3. #3
    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    I'm not too wound up about not knowing that my brothers MIL was ill before dying - again...might sound cold/mean but were really weren't that close but we are all family. She's a mom and had that 'mom' mentality with everyone that came with whomever her daughter married - which means my bro and his family ie US.

    I do feel sad for my SIL b/c she did lose her mom. Our side of the family knows what that feels like.

    The confusion is from my brother. Are we only family when he "needs" money otherwise its F-U all until he needs money again? I know he's probably confused about the path in life he's chosen but when you keep sending mixed messages...we might not be here one day when he really does need help when its not money.

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    Registered User Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    I see, I think.

    It sounds like a deeper issue between you and your bro. But I think I'd still give everyone a pass in this situation.
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  5. #5
    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spirit Deer View Post
    I see, I think.

    It sounds like a deeper issue between you and your bro. But I think I'd still give everyone a pass in this situation.
    Yep. I'd just let it go. I would send something to the SIL after the funeral considering it is a private service. As for the woman at the funeral home, she shouldn't have been rude but she is doing her job. Private info is private info.

    I'm confused though...you said your sister sent the email, not your brother...maybe she just wanted to give you the info not necessarily to do anything. Your brother said he'd call you later. I'd leave it at that.

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    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    Thanks. Thats what Im going to do - let him come to us IF he comes to us. People handle grief in different ways. I figured he was trying to reach out for support and by us sending flowers would show that w/o us physically being there. He knows we're sisters and we do share/talk about important things like this. After our mother died, we all vowed that should another family member pass on, we wouldn't hide it. He knows by emailing my sister, it would get to me, in turn get to dad so he wouldn't have to tell dad himself.

    I just found it odd of the timing he sent the email. He chose to send it before the services and the obituary clearly states private service for family only. I thought we were family.

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    Registered User Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    You will be able to talk to him about it at some point, in a calm, non-judgmental way.

    Technically, you are not family to a sister-in-law's parent. Your brother would be the only member of your family who would be considered part of their family. But I do realize different families define family in different ways.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spirit Deer View Post

    Technically, you are not family to a sister-in-law's parent. Your brother would be the only member of your family who would be considered part of their family. But I do realize different families define family in different ways.
    Ditto here...If it were my famly then you would not be considered family and I doubt anyone would have notified you.
    Unexpected life drama bill owe April 2014 11K/current balance 11K.

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    Registered User Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    I think the in-laws should be notified, because the brother and SIL ARE family, and it's important to inform all the loved ones so they can support those who have suffered the loss.

    In that case, I wouldn't be offended not to be invited to a private funeral, but as I said, there are a lot of different definitions of family.
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    Registered User Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    I think the in-laws should be notified, because the brother and SIL ARE family, and it's important to inform all the loved ones so they can support those who have suffered the loss.

    In that case, I wouldn't be offended not to be invited to a private funeral, but as I said, there are a lot of different definitions of family. But I would definitely want to be informed.

    Libby, FYI, your PM inbox is full and won't accept any new messages.
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    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    Sorry - I've cleared it out now.

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    HUh,My SIL's dad just passed and we werent invited. My Dmom told me. I have no prob. w/ it. We aren't family. I just think she was informing you not inviting you. I thought flowers were intrusive in my case then so I sent money to a charity and told her in a sympathy card. I guess everyone thinks differently.

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    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2 View Post
    HUh,My SIL's dad just passed and we werent invited. My Dmom told me. I have no prob. w/ it. We aren't family. I just think she was informing you not inviting you. I thought flowers were intrusive in my case then so I sent money to a charity and told her in a sympathy card. I guess everyone thinks differently.
    I agree. I wouldn't even expect to be informed. I'd find out eventually.

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