*updated-Vent (may want to pass on this thread)

**Darlene** · 01-10-2003, 08:35 AM

The excess baggage door has opened and I can't close it yet.
~I'm mad at my Dad for not taking care of himself and dying of a heart attack at 41 & leaving a wife & 5 kids.
~I'm mad at my Mom for turning into an alchoholic & robbing my siblings of a normal childhood & future. That she killed herself in a manner that made it front page news & did it on one of my sisters birthdays.
~I'm mad at the fact that my brother died 3 years ago from what appeared to be the flu but totally took over his body & shut it down.
~I'm mad at my sister that a 12 yr old boy wearing a suit a little to big for him had to say goodbye to his mother. He stroked her cheek, blew her a kiss. He picked the 2 best roses to place on her chest & took home a few to press & keep forever.
~I am mad that my one sister & I will never have much of a relationship because she is wacky from all this.
~I'm mad that my sister Missy had to try and explain what just happened to her children & they don't have an Aunt Noalle anymore.
~I'm mad that I had to reassure my 17 dd that she & I will not go this route.There are other choices & we will always seek them out. She's OK, I'm OK.We will be OK.
~I'm mad that I haven't heard a word from Dh's 1 brother & sister. I guess she asked dh if I was OK. Ask me!E-mail, call, write-something! This is so unlike them.
~I'm mad that I was crying in bed at 2am knowing that this stupid door is opened & I can't start to close it until after the memorial service. Pastor is due back Sun. hopefully we can have the service early next week. My sister Missy is finally going to have her back surgery on Thurs & she'll be in the hospital for 5 days & then recouping at home for weeks. We need to have this service soon so I can close this damn door and get on with living.
Thanks for letting me rant.

**captclearance** · 01-10-2003, 08:41 AM

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this....... You have the right to be angry, now is a good time to vent it and start to let go of the anger........ Hugs to you Darlene..... I wish I could wash all the hurt away for you ! Here's a hug just to let you know I care about you. HUGS, HUGS......

**babynurse** · 01-10-2003, 08:53 AM

I think you have the right to voice your anger, you have experienced a lot of pain in your life. I can't say I understand everything you are going through, but I have had similar events in my life and the best thing you can do is reassure yourself and your daughter that you and she won't follow that path. As for your inlaws not acknowledging what pain you are going through, I just don't understand why people do that. I too, have felt deserted and hurt by people I thought would never do that when I was going through some very bad times. It was an eye opener to realize how some people just can't be there for others in need. Maybe it's selfishness, maybe it's just that they don't know how to help...I don't know...I sure hope it's the second part. Darlene, you keep your right to be heard...whether it is here, or at home...if you don't then you will be more like the people you are mad at (for not solving their issues properly). I don't know if I have helped, all I know is that when I was going through a really hard time these last couple of months and my friends and family didn't care, I came here. The people here gave me more love and advice than I could possibly imagine. So I hope you to feel like you have a place to come to and know that you will be heard. Hugs to you...

**MJsLady** · 01-10-2003, 09:09 AM

Darlene, I know it hurts. Its horrible and you have every right to the feelings you have! Please get them out! Do not bottle them up! Bottled feelings become destructive, in all ways, even physically. A dr told me that, a regular md told me I had to start letting go when I was upset. I was developing lumps in my back from the stress. They were going to cripple me if I did not learn to speak up! I still hold in a lot but I do not let things stress me as much as I used to.
I wish I could find the magic phrase to take away your pain, unfortunately I do not have it. But I will listen when you want to vent! I am sure all of us will. You have valid reasons for your feelings, and you need to get them out even if only to those of us in the village.
I pray that God gives you peace from the hurts in your life.

**bamamomto4** · 01-10-2003, 09:12 AM

Oh Darlene I'm so sorry about all this. I'm sending you prayers and great BIG HUGZ today!!!!

Not sure about the inlaws,maybe they just don't know what to say.Then again it may be better to say something than nothing at all.

Hang in there.We're here for you...always

**heaven** · 01-10-2003, 12:22 PM

I have to agree with Tammy, they probably don't know what to say not that it helps.
I am so glad that you feel you can let this all out to us. And thank you for reassuring your dd that this isn't going to happen to you.
Hang in there hon, we are all here if and when you need us. Hugs hon.

**Daphne** · 01-10-2003, 12:33 PM

I'm really sorry about all the pain and sadness you have right now. I don't have a lot of advice for you - I wish I did. I will keep you and all of your family in my prayers!! Sending you big hugs and many, many prayers!
Love,
Daphne

**Michelle** · 01-10-2003, 02:26 PM

{{{HUGS}}} Darlene...everyone else has already said all I wanted to say....take care...

**Heather** · 01-10-2003, 04:09 PM

Oh Darlene, I am so sorry you are going through this...know that I am praying for you and sending you lots of (((HUGS))).

**Dixie** · 01-10-2003, 05:31 PM

{{{hugs}}},Darlene. My prayers are with you.

**TheCottageRose** · 01-10-2003, 06:32 PM

Oh Darlene, I am so sorry you are hurting. And that things are dragging on a bit too long for you to move forward just yet.

I think the Inlaw really are being a bit distant, probably because they don't know how to handle this at all.

You just let it out, anytime....what you are going through is more than awful, more than tough and we all just hold you in our hearts. We'd love to be there for you to talk to, comfort you and love you.

Know we are thinking and praying for you and this situation.

(((hugs)))

**halo475** · 01-10-2003, 10:04 PM

Big {{{HUGS}}} Darlene. I am so sorry you are going through all this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

**Darlene** · 01-11-2003, 06:25 AM

Thanks again everyone for your prayers and comforting words. They do mean a lot to me.
Today I am going to balance out my bad stuff with some good stuff.
The bad~
~Writing an obituary is so hard. How on earth do you sum up someones life in a few paragraphs?
~It stinks that the first clothing I've bought myself in a while had to be for this. Department store mirrors stink too.

Now the good~
~Sis-in -law called yesterday. We had a nice conversation & she gave me a long distance hug.
~My mom's boyfriends (after my dad died) sister (who I only see at these family tragedys) called me. This woman has been battleing cancer (I didn't know) for 4 years. Started as breast, then lung now bone cancer. This woman who is going through so much reached out to comfort me. That blew me away.To say I was moved would be an understatement.
Another emotional day but I'm glad to have it to live.

**SewCrafty** · 01-11-2003, 06:43 AM

Darlene, vent all you want. I'm very happy you have an open relationship with your children. Life's tragedies either make us fall apart or make us stronger. You are definately stronger for all you have gone through. It stinks, but I truly believe we are only given what we can handle. By showing your children this and talking to them to let them know there are other, better alternatives is the best life's lesson you can give them.

Stay strong (it's very hard I know) and know that we are here for you whenever you need us.