OK ladies would like some input

**MJsLady** · 01-11-2003, 10:27 AM

Dh and I have a major decision to make. I do not want to go into details cuz if he ever sees I asked about it he will kill me!
The upstart is we made a mistake, big one. It doesn effect anyone other than us and our kids.
The trouble is when his family finds out how we dealt with it( they will, if no other way his step brother is a private investigator) they wil be mad.
No we did not break the law no one is in danger of prison. It was financial.
If we had an good relationship with his folks it would be ok, maybe. Trouble is they see us as screw ups no matter what. I won't even go over there unless its like christmas and I have no good reason to get out of it.
DH was really worried about how they react. I know no matter what we do it will be wrong to them.
My thinking is if they fuss dh should tell them to lay off, and leave.
He tried that once before but it didnt work, his dad said the behavior was all in his head. (then why did our sons at 10 and 12 ask why gramma doesn't love them, if dh is imagining this?)
Personally I think these people are adding too much stress to dhs thinking in an already stressful situation.
We have right now 2 options, one they would probably approve and one I know they wil not. The best in the long run seems to tbe the option they wil not approve.
DH originally wanted to go with option #1, which will be hard on us all, until my son pointed out to me (and I told dh) that he is working too hard and way to stressed and is there fore ALWAYS grouchy. He realized the only real reason he was going for option #1 was because of what his family would think. Now he has almost decided on option#2 (dh has a real hard time keeping his mind made up)
So my question is, how do we deal with the family backlash should we choose option#2? If we choose #1 none will know but that would put us (myself dh and boys) in hard times for quite awhile.
I know it will be veiwed by his family as me refusing to work to help pay things. However they do not know the whole story, and I refuse to give them details because they do not really care anyway. I have been sick since November. I am making a DR appt for next week. According to what I have read, my only real option is surgery. His family has never known about my trouble, and they wont know about the surgery either until after! (Unless dh has need to tell them) I am hoping to be able to work a few months more before I have to have it done and if the dr has another option I may try it, but I would rather get the surgery done and be normal the rest of my life!
A couple of you have the whole scoop, but most of you do not know me real well yet. I am a hermit, you all are as close as I get to real family and friends most of the time. I value your opinions. Me, personally, I place dh and the boys above everyone else (but God) I told my sister to leave me alone when she kept trying to break dh and I up (everytime she called i ended up in tears, then I learned how to give people the power to upset me and that it was MY choice not theirs. DH still has not learned this)
So for me, I would limit contact to cards and letters even though they are 20 miles away in town. I may update this with more facts later, perhaps Monday when dh is at work.
Right now I just need ideas more, to help him deal with his family than for me, I would just close that door until they realized it ws my life and I was not here for their amusement. But I am a witch anyway, and mean beyond you wildest dreams!

Help!

**aylasmommy** · 01-11-2003, 10:36 AM

aw sweety, I'm sorry to hear you need to have surgery...and are in this bind...

I don't know what to suggest but here are some hugs ((((((Melissa))))))

**Daphne** · 01-11-2003, 10:47 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your problems and wish you luck with your surgery. I'll be thinking about you!!

I don't know all the details involved with this and I completely respect your decision on that. But from what I read in this post I would say you go with option 2. What is most important is you and your husband and children. You guys come first before grandmas, grandpas, etc. It's not that they aren't important but your immediate family should come first. As hard as it may be don't let others influence any of you. Just simply tell them that you have decided not to discuss any personal business with anyone (family, etc) and let it be at that. You mentioned that if you went with #1 it would put you in hard times. Why do that to yourself and family especially if you are having health problems? We all have hard times of course but if you can prevent it, then that is what I would do.

Sorry I've gone on and on but I just want you and your family to be ok. Sending you a big hug and thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated!

**mrscornbread** · 01-11-2003, 10:55 AM

Melissa, I'm with Daphne, do what ever it is that spares your dh and your dks the most problems. I learned so long ago that THE most importnat things in life is your OWN family. Yes parents and extended family are important, but not even as important as your dh. The bible even tell us that we must leave our parents and cleave to our spouses. I know it is hard, but try to help your dh see what is most important here. So what if they get mad, or even stop speaking, they sont sound that nice really anyway (sorry, just my opinion) Take care of your self, you can be our hermit, we love you!!!

**tigo** · 01-11-2003, 11:20 AM

awesome answers above! I go with Option 2 as well. As one who has taken back my life from worrying about how my folks would react -- Sending all of you tons of hugs (and will power!).

**heaven** · 01-11-2003, 11:31 AM

i am with two too. and who cares what they think. Sorry me being mean again

**Rhonda** · 01-11-2003, 11:38 AM

I think that you really do not owe your extended family ANY explanation about your personal financial business. From personal experience, I would not discuss financial matters with them at all.

Due to medical reasons, my husband and I have been through bankruptcy as well as foreclosure on our home. My husband and I both now have medical conditions which prohibit us from working. My family knows the situation, my husbands does not. Trust me, no matter what the situation, those who know will definitely give you their opinion whether it is wanted or not.

As far as DH family goes, they know of the medical conditions, and we have simply told them that we sold the house and found an affordable apartment. That's all they need to know.

Please feel free to PM me if I can help in any way.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!