Are You Ready for Children? Humor.......

**captclearance** · 01-13-2003, 08:32 PM

For most of us, it's too late...... For the rest of you.............

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are
truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple
tests...
MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth
of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the
jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make
up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00
AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them
that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.