What things do you do that keep your relationship alive?

**heavensent_7** · 01-22-2003, 04:46 PM

As you probably already know I am having a very hard time with my estranged husband at the moment.

However over the last couple of days we have been commicating more and he asked me to go and visit his mother with him next weekend. He wouldn't have done this in MO if there was NO hope at all?

I REALLY want this relationship to work, both for us and my kids and it is on VERY shaky ground and could easily go either way at the moment.

I would really like to know, in this day and age where nobody really NEEDS another person for survival and relationships can be SO difficult - What do you do that keeps yours alive and holds you together?

I would appreciate your views on this as I believe I have become a little synical about the whole thing.

Thanks in advance for any intimate advice you can share with me.

**Michelle** · 01-22-2003, 04:52 PM

Bev, did you say that he has a girlfriend? What does she think of this? I'm so confused....

**heavensent_7** · 01-22-2003, 04:59 PM

I really couldn't say to be honest?

I 'thought' he had a girlfriend - there is a girl that he works with that IMO is a little too friendly with him especially as he is meant to be her boss! And I don't like it.

Having said that he has always denied it (like I surpose he would either way) BUT I also know that I am very jealous and insecure at times and I can be known to be quite irrational.

The fact that I do get so insecure means it's real to me at least. But if I HAD to put a bet on it, to be fair I just don't know?

IF I could 'prove' he was having an affair (like my first husband) I wouldn't even ask the question because I know I personally could not live knowing that and carry on with the relationship. And I appauld any woman that can go through that pain and still make her marriage work. But as I can't prove it, I would really rather try and stay with him, than start all over again and more of my kids not have a father at home.

Sorry that was sooooo long! I hope it made sense?

toile · 01-22-2003, 05:25 PM

I want to reccomend a site that I think Michele shared one time here. It was called Marriage builders. I didnt feel that I need any buiding heheheh but checked out the site anyway. I just LOVE that site! I found theres always room for improvement

Michele if that was you who sent it thanks!

Here it is:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

**guest2** · 01-22-2003, 05:26 PM

Hi Bev,
My husband and I have been through so much together including having a family member try to break up our marriage for years and hubby not standing up for me until I threatened to leave for a few days with the kids so he could decide what was really important in his life, having twins (with a 22 month old son also, that was stressful), unemployment, medical problems, living from paycheck to paycheck and me being insecure at times (nothing turns a man off faster than insecurity in his wife). I think the one thing that kept it together through all those times is that we not only love each other, but like and respect each other. We also made a commitment for life and divorce is not an option for us. He is my best friend and I am his!
One of the biggest "turn ons" for both of us is a sense of humor. We love to laugh together and at ourselves. We also needed to learn over the years to make our relationship a priority. We have "date nights" and do something fun together or even just stay home and cuddle on the couch with the kids away at friends. Our last big date outside of the house is when we dropped our boys and their friends off at their youth group and hubby and I went to see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". What a hoot!!!! We laughed so hard that we almost wet our pants! We are definitely adding that to our video collection! We also love to hold hands and tell each other we love one another. We have a "special signal" that lets the other one know that we need some time alone just with them. I also make sure that my husband knows how I feel about him and that I appreciate all that he does for us and "brag" on him to our kids. I give him backrubs and he rubs my feet. He has a cup of coffee waiting for me in the mornings (he gets up early) and buys me Snicker's candy bars and puts them in the freezer for me. I have found his "Love Language" (there is a book on this) and that is how I show him love.

Blessings,
Debbie

**PrairieRose** · 01-22-2003, 05:52 PM

For me and my dh the best thing we do to keep our relationship alive is to put each other first. That sounds patronizing I know but it works for us. I try to do something really nice for him everyday. We are best friends and it seems to me that when we quit putting pressure on each other for us to have the "perfect relationship" that things got better immediately. We spend a lot of time together just doing nothing, just being together. We make plans for fun things, which is easier now that it's just the 2 of us at home, but we also like to just "be". My best advice to making a relationship work is taking one's eyes off of onesself and placing them on the partner, always think loving thoughts and it comes back to you....(well it does in most cases I think).
Sorry, this may not sound specific enough but in all honesty those other things only work when you can do this one thing.

**2cutekids** · 01-22-2003, 07:05 PM

Have you considered marriage counseling? (I really hope you work things out

)

**Daphne** · 01-23-2003, 09:31 AM

Something I think is important is for each person to have security and love for yourself. If you don't have this within yourself you can't give it to someone else. I know you want this to work and I hope it does for you!!

But you must learn to love yourself first. Be positive and focus on you before any relationship. I know it's important for you to be with this man but I really wish you would focus on yourself and be happy being by yourself. If you can get to this point then I think you can completely give love to someone else. You mentioned that you are insecure and jealous and can be irrational at times...we all can sometimes be that way but to have a healthy and strong relationship those character traits can't be at the top of the list. You need to have honesty, trust, love and friendship at the top!!! I would take it day by day...work on yourself and work on a friendship with this man. I wouldn't try to immediately jump into a romantic relationship with him right now. From what I've read before there does seem like there was another women in the picture and a lot of "baggage". Relationships are hard and finding someone to spend your life with is also hard work. Just be strong for yourself and be there for your children. If it's meant to be with this man it will work out but it takes work from both sides. If this man is dating this women (it sounds like he is to me) I would hold off on going anywhere with him (out of town or even to dinner) until you are 100 % sure he isn't seeing anyone. If you get into that circle it will just cause more drama and who wants that????
This is just my opinion on things I've been thru in my life and I hope you don't take offense to anything....just trying to help based on what I've heard you say before. hang in there!!!

**Sara Noel** · 01-23-2003, 09:58 AM

I think you should take care of you and your children first and worry about him later. Insecurity, jealousy, and low self esteem and self worth are not appealing.
No one wants to be alone. I understand that.
I'm hoping you create your own sense of happiness.
As far as what I do to keep my relationship alive....
We have our own things separate from one another but also have things we share. I enjoy my own space and love that he respects that. We share very simple things together. Coffee and news headlines, high's and low's of the day, goal planning, dreaming, crafty silly things, games etc. I guess things stay alive because nothing stays the same. Through the rough times and the good. There have been times I thought I couldn't take another moment and swear I'd leave or explode, but we worked through it. We did counselling and I am sure we'll go again if need be. It takes a lot of tolerance and I don't mean the "put up with each other" type. I guess we keep things alive because neither of us is always predictable. We surprise each other often and know we are partners for life. (both too stubborn to leave) LMAO

At any rate, remember that your partner should bring out your best not your worst. You should feel lifted by them not dragged down. You should at least want to be a better person partly because of them.

**heavensent_7** · 01-23-2003, 11:00 AM

Thank you ALL for your comments so far - which have been very helpfull. I really do appreciate them as this is something that is very important to me and the more insight I can get from people who aren't 'emotionally' involved the better.

I do realise that there is alot of work to be done. More on myself than anybody else (as I'm not in control of others anyway) Caring for my children is something I obviously try hard to do no matter what the circumstances, this can be hard when I am ill with depression, but at the end of the day they HAVE to be cared for. Learning to love myself and have my own life is something I believe we all work on throughout our lives, nobody is perfect and some of our hardest lessons are learnt from a belief that we weren't 'good enough' in one way or another.

Daphne - I didn't fully understand this bit of your post, if you get time could you explain some more please? (I know I'm a bit slow sometimes!) But he is my husband, we have two children together and have been together for 7 years. I have been friends with him for 23 years. As we already have a relationship I don't understand how we can go 'backwards' but only move on, from where we are now. (I hope I explained that properly?)

Originally posted by Daphne
work on a friendship with this man. I wouldn't try to immediately jump into a romantic relationship with him right now.

I do appreciate all your thoughts and comments and I will keep you updated too.

Thank you all

**nealy** · 01-23-2003, 11:26 AM

I am not Daphne, but I think what she meant might have something to do with abstinence. Taking time for yourself, and not have the emotional tie do to a sexual relationship can help things. This is just my opinion. I have been married for seven years and have been through very trying times. My Dh and I did do marriage counseling. I would probably do it again as well if need be. I think forgiveness is something that helps things. If you hold on to anger, it can be really damaging to your trust and your friendship. You mentioned that you are insecure, and can be jealous. I can only say that you can't hold onto someone with these methods. He can't help that you are insecure, he can only be himself and if he is seeing another person you can't stop him. You can only look at yourself and see if you want to stay and work out WHY he is cheating. If you can't get past that and you can't get past being insecure your problems are not going to change, you will carry them with you what ever relationship you are in. I figure if my Dh is going to cheat I can't stop him. The same goes for me. But we respect eachother and our marriage and I can say now that he wouldn't cheat on me, (that doesn't say he doesn't look at other women, I look at other men) But you need to come together and discuss where you are at, guessing doesn't help. If you don't want group therapy, try some for yourself it would help with the depression as well. If sounds like you are having a painful time right now, focus on yourself and try to find a solution to your pain, then you can work on your marriage.

Nealy

**Daphne** · 01-23-2003, 12:37 PM

Nealy...you explained my position well...thank you!

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding with my "advice". I think that even if you are with a person for 50 years you can loose the friendship. You have to work hard to get it back and it can be done.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and wish nothing but love and happiness for you and your family!!

**AmyBoz** · 01-26-2003, 09:48 AM

Originally posted by smnoel
I think you should take care of you and your children first and worry about him later. Insecurity, jealousy, and low self esteem and self worth are not appealing.
No one wants to be alone. I understand that.
I'm hoping you create your own sense of happiness.

I completely agree with Sara on this count.

My dh and I are best friends and really just simply enjoy our time together. He and I are very different types of people, so it is work, sometimes, but worth it We laugh together a lot and spend a lot of time just talking about our days, our daughter, our lives. Our schedules are crazy, so when we have time to be together, we really try to be together and not be distracted by all the little things that need to be done.